Right, so this whole 'sibling' thing...

[Cydonian]

I've posted here before on this issue, sort of, except now it has blown up into full on "this is a problem" and I am at critical mass here. You guys on this forum have been so helpful in the past and since there's so many of you -- maybe a few of you have some ideas as to how I am supposed to handle this. I can't talk to my family as it involves them and most of my friends are mutual friends with the person that is the issue.

Ok so a while back I posted about how my brother and sister in law sort of mocked my long distance relationship (some of you may remember, I got a lot of responses). Things sort of seemed to get better, I didn't see my sister in law for almost 3 months outside of group family gatherings, and she finally invited me to go shopping... and things seemed normal. My brother also laid off and seemed to be ok.

Well, my fiance and I decided to tell my parents and everyone else that we were getting married on September 7 (obviously now passed

) My hairdresser accidentally hinted it to my mom so we just decided to give up the charade and explain about my fiance's visa (he's English and we've been in a long distance relationship for those that don't remember this). We told my parents and they were ecstatic -- so happy and excited for us and wanted to be at the little ceremony, it really made me feel better about our marriage. We decided to tell my brother and sister in law at my birthday dinner (at a very nice place, btw, this is important for later) at the end of August. I will admit that my fiance brought it up at an awkward moment, but the second it was out my brother said congratulations, obviously he was sort of wow'ed but still an acceptable response. We explained the whole visa thing -- he seemed interested.

My sister in law sat there completely silent the entire time. We got our food and after she didn't eat a single bit off of the plate, she pulled out her phone and started playing on Facebook and showing my brother things while he was trying to talk to us. I found it extremely rude and my husband (fiance at the time) almost said something but my dad motioned for him not to. She stays silent the rest of the meal, doesn't thank my parents for said expensive meal, and we all get up and leave. I end up in the elevator with them on the way back to our cars. My brother says congrats one more time, shakes my husband's hand, hugs me and my sister in law just gets off of the elevator without so much as a second glance.

Yeah... I can't get over it. I cannot get over how rude she was and since then, she hasn't spoken a word to me. I was told that they could not come to the ceremony because of work, which is understandable, but I held a cocktail hour afterward intending for them to be able to come. Up to that point, my brother had been pretty nice about the whole thing... I understood if he couldn't make the ceremony (he works at a bank and it was the day after Labor Day) but I set the drinks party for 7:30 SO they could come. I called him 5-6 days in advance and told him the time and place... he responds that he "will probably be tired and just want to go home after work, but will try to make it".

What the ****? (excuse my language), uh, your sister is getting married and you're tired??

The day of, I texted him in the afternoon and asked if he was coming, and I got no response. I got NOTHING the entire fricking day. Not even a phone call for congratulations or anything. No one has asked about our honeymoon. Again, I've heard zip from them. What's even more sad is that one of my brother's friends, who I don't know that well but I invited him to the cocktail hour as I know he loves a good drink, showed up and chatted for 2 hours or so. So... he shows up and my own brother can't?

So my issue is -- what do I do? I am genuinely hurt and I am feeling very disrespected. Not only did my sister in law act like a child at a celebratory dinner (even if she wasn't happy about the wedding thing, its still a birthday dinner... act fake nice at least) and then for them to just completely ignore the entire thing after that point. I haven't had to be around them but we've got family coming in 2 weeks and we are holding a barbecue for everyone. I am genuinely worried that I will go off on one, or both of them, and just embarrass myself unless I get this solved.

Do you guys have any suggestions? Am I being unreasonable?

 

[LMD84]

congratulations on your marriage!! that is awesome news!

you're 100% not being unreasonable. quite frankly i think that your sister in law sounds like an utter ass and that potentially the reason why your brother didn't come even for drinks is because she didn't want him too. and sadly even though your brother is a grown man she may have caused a major scene over it when they got home after the meal he felt like life woiuld be easier if he just did what she said. Because it seems weird that he wouldnt go for drinks or even contact you on your special day even though at the meal he had been very nice about it all.

I have a similar issue where my sister in law is an utter bitch. now my husband doesn't actually speak to her (which causes many other issues!) at first i always wondered what i had done to deserve so much hate from thsi girl - now i think fuck her! you and your husband have started a new life together and quite frankly i think you should stop worrying about other people. yes it's upsetting - but until your brother sorts his wife out and tells her how rude and un-accpetable her behaviour is nothing will change.

maybe you can meet up with your brother to say how you feel and maybe he will open up about his wife - because i don't doubt she is the reason why he didn't go for drinks on your wedding day.

 

[iadoremac]

Don't let them spoil your day/moment. If they had something against your marriage they should have said so. I'd keep away from them if I were you since they have a history of upsetting you and your husband. By the way - congrats!!!

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

I agree with Lou! Don't waste your breath on your sister in law...she sounds toxic! I will tell you that some people do not like to celebrate the good news of others because it takes the focus off of themselves, she sound like one of these people. She doesn't want to be in your shadow, for even a day. Prepare for her if you and your husband decide to have children, because I have a feeling she wouldn't be happy about that. She's the type that will steal your thunder if at all possible! The best thing you can do with people like this is ignore them, they hate that!

In other news: Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you're very happy. Don't let anything rain on that parade!!

 

[kaliraksha]

Congrats on your wedding! I wish you many many years of happiness.

Agree with everyone else. We can't make anyone care for us or treat us differently... while I agree it is shitty what your sis in law and brother are doing... the only thing you can do is pay no heed to it. I couldn't imagine my brother not being at my wedding, unless it was physically impossible for him to be there. I get the feeling that she is the culprit to all of this, but I guess we just have to let live. I know someday he will look back on this and be regretful. It sucks, but if you try to do anything or say anything she might find a way to twist it to her advantage. Just be the best you possible... and show everyone how happy being with your husband has made you. That's the most infuriating thing for people like that.

 

[pennybeau]

Congratulations!!

Hm, if it were me in this situation I would probably just try to keep a very basic relationship with them. It doesn't seem like your sister in law is the type of person you would really change if you did sit down and really talk to her.
I say have just a really basic relationship (meet up for family bbqs, family reunions...) because this leaves the situation open for them to make it up to you and your husband. But it gives you the opportunity to be emotionally distant.
Sometimes it's easier to just completely end the relationship with friends/family that you can't get along with. But I would imagine this would just create more drama in a family environment.

 

[Makeup Emporium]

Congrats on your wedding! I think your sister in law is being a complete bitch and your brother is an ass for letting her pollute his mind. Some people are just too into themselves and their own issues to be happy and support others. I say if they can't make any time for you than it is not even worth your time to worry about them and their issues. Good luck...I know from experience that families can be a pain in the ass!!

 

[littlepickle]

Congratulations, Wendy! I wish you all the best

You're not being unreasonable at all - I won't reiterate what others have already said but it seems like your brother really does have to stick up to his wife on this matter, she behaved really rudely and is likely the reason he didn't attend

I hope the relationship improves but if not that's their issue - you just focus on you and your husband and the happiness that your marriage will bring you both

 

[martiangurll]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cydonian I've posted here before on this issue, sort of, except now it has blown up into full on "this is a problem" and I am at critical mass here. What the ****? (excuse my language), uh, your sister is getting married and you're tired?? The day of, I texted him in the afternoon and asked if he was coming, and I got no response. I got NOTHING the entire fricking day. Not even a phone call for congratulations or anything. No one has asked about our honeymoon. Again, I've heard zip from them. What's even more sad is that one of my brother's friends, who I don't know that well but I invited him to the cocktail hour as I know he loves a good drink, showed up and chatted for 2 hours or so. So... he shows up and my own brother can't? So my issue is -- what do I do? I am genuinely hurt and I am feeling very disrespected. Not only did my sister in law act like a child at a celebratory dinner (even if she wasn't happy about the wedding thing, its still a birthday dinner... act fake nice at least) and then for them to just completely ignore the entire thing after that point. I haven't had to be around them but we've got family coming in 2 weeks and we are holding a barbecue for everyone. I am genuinely worried that I will go off on one, or both of them, and just embarrass myself unless I get this solved. Do you guys have any suggestions? Am I being unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable. But your expectations may not be realistic--there is a difference. You can expect your brother to act in a reasonable way, but he may react in an irrational manner and it sounds like he is acting that way. Siblings don't always act in teh way we expect and they definitely behave in ways that are unreasonable and irrational. So it is not realistic to expect them to always be reasonable and rational.

Your brother and SIL are being disrespectful and you have every right to be hurt by the incident and their attitudes. It sounds like your brother is in a tough situation and I don't know what your SIL's problem is exactly. Maybe she feels you are getting all the attention with the wedding. Maybe yr brother just cannot stand up to her. And if he can't--it is HIS problem. I would just forget about her, but you can't just blow off your brother. Maybe you can let him know how his behavior is affecting you. And then it is up to him to change. And you can try to not take it personally. Yes, it is your wedding and your husband. But I suspect this is about their relationship and their issues and not about yours.

I would try to talk to your brother and clear it up. Maybe he will apologize and maybe he will change. Or not. But at least you try to figure it out with him. And if it doesn't change, then I would put some distance there. Just because they are family does not mean you have to agree with how they are treating you.

Overall, you can't make them change. All you can do is change your expectations.

 

[Cydonian]

Thanks for all of your replies, everyone! Unfortunately, the situation has not gotten any better... in fact, it has gotten worse and now I did something as an emotional reaction, and it's being turned around on me.

My sister in law kept posting on Facebook about her best friend getting married, and how excited she was to go dress shopping with her and "she's going to be so happy", blah blah blah... her posts were just irritating me because of her reaction to Rob and I getting married, you know? So I deleted her from my friends list. I know it was rash and impulsive, but goddamn, I was tired of seeing it. 4 or 5 days went by... no one really noticed. I decided to tell my parents what I did (they've been involved in all of this too) and my dad freaked out, told me to re-friend her and all this. I just told them to drop it and let me make my own decisions. My husband stood up for me as well and said that I am genuinely hurt and upset, and compared to what they've done... Facebook means nothing.

Well another week went by unnoticed... and then I got a nasty text from my brother saying "why are you making an already awkward situation worse?". I asked him what he meant, got a snappy answer about deleting her from Facebook, and I texted back saying that text is not even close to the proper method of discussing the issues at hand. I turned my phone off. My husband said I shouldn't have done that and called him to try to talk. They didn't get into too much detail, Rob basically asked if the four of us could meet up to discuss things. My brother said he "was busy" and would have to "work something out", which in his language means "I don't care." Rob asked why he was coming across angry, and he was told that me deleting her was so immature and he can't believe I did that, etc etc. Basically saying THEY are pissed AT ME for deleting her. Ok... what is wrong with this picture?

A family dinner was going on the next day as my aunt and uncle were in town, and Rob offered for him and I to go somewhere so that they could come see my parents and family without us being there. My brother said they didn't feel like coming "due to the situation". Rob tried to say that dragging my parents into this isn't fair, and I had to deal with my crying mother who thinks her son doesn't want to see her now. Yeah. This is awesome.

So yeah still unresolved... and I don't know how it's going to get fixed. I know my brother and if/when we talk, he will just say he's the opposite of what I'm saying I'm upset over, and how he doesn't do whatever, and I'm overly emotional, etc. He will also focus on the Facebook deleting as if it matters.

I'm diving in head first to this, and I know it's going to suck.

/endrant

 

[Bjarka]

I'm sorry it's gotten worse...

It's so hard when it's family, cause it involves so many people close to you, that you can't just ignore it.

I don't really have a great advise for you, I must admit.

I've had problems with family members... I don't think my way is great, but I just keep the peace basically... I'll accept an apology even though I'm not being genuine. But it doesn't solve the problem...

In your case I think it gets harder cause to solve it, you need both sides to want to solve it...

 

[iadoremac]

No point having her as a friend on face book if you dont think she's your friend. And i say you keep it that way. I think you shouldnt let it bother you, focus on your marriage

 

[RedRibbon]

Ignoring her is the best thing to do.

I've had issues like this from my cousins, they are such bitches when I mention the REMOTEST thing about Mr RR.

It used to bug me before and I'd actually get angry at them but with time I learnt that this was the reaction they wanted, they were just pissed that the attention wasn't on them so I carried on talking about him, even moreso just to see what they did. I no longer showed my anger to them but I'd bitch like a right good'un to Mr RR when I got home but even that, with time has stopped.

Don't let her change the way you and your fiance are, her nose is probably out of joint because another outsider (like her, not a family member) is getting the attention and she has been "pushed to the back of the queue".

 

[Cydonian]

What's made it worse is that we went fully public with it, posted it on Facebook and everything and I've been literally overwhelmed with messages of congrats, comments, etc... all positive. Even text messages too. But then she is freaking out for some reason. Even if she has a problem with the relationship... what is she seeing that others aren't? Obviously everyone else realizes how we feel about each other, and some of them don't even know us that well. I just don't get it. I've been trying to figure it out and it's just at a point where we wait until they decide they feel like talking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iadoremac No point having her as a friend on face book if you dont think she's your friend. And i say you keep it that way. I think you shouldnt let it bother you, focus on your marriage

Man, this is exactly how I felt too. I tried telling my dad that and he just didn't get it.

 

[vipervixen]

Congrats on your wedding, Hun! You need to really focus on nurturing your togetherness as a newly married couple

There will always be drama in family affairs this includes the in-laws as well. Your brother as well may be going through his own troubles at home. He seems to be on a very short leash where he does not want to dishearten his wife, who seems like the needy, attention seeking type. This added to the fact that you are extremely happy and in a loving relationship... who knows this may be something that he (your brother) is longing for in his own relationship and your sister in law sees this and is frightened for this. So her reflex mechanism is to be hurtful towards you.

Hun, to keep your sanity and not jeopardise your relationship, can't say to forget them because after all they are 'family', you can play the humble pie role here, send them a gift or something nice that the two of them alone can have fun with. At least you know and your husband knows that you mean well and are trying to be amicable towards them. How they may react to this who knows, but you can say you did try to make the first step to come to some sort of reconciliation.

Ok I rambled somewhat, lol girly go and enjoy your husband and smile at the world when you feel like screaming and when no one is around... really scream

Have a lovely time hun!

 

[MamaLaura]

It's immature that you deleted her? It's immature that they even care. It's just Facebook. Geezus. Why should you remain "friends" on a social networking site when they can't manage to be friendly to you off the site? And I'm assuming she isn't friendly on it, either (commenting, messaging, liking). Honestly, I find it ridiculous and laughable. They're getting butt hurt over this? But think their own behavior is acceptable, and you should just take it lying down? Wowzers. Go you. Do what you need and want to do for yourself. Focus on keeping yourself happy. If they don't like what you did, THEY can take steps to make the situation better. They brought it all on themselves by being selfish and self centered.

I have to say I disagree with the suggestion of sending them a gift or of otherwise kissing a$$. The cycle won't ever end and you'll never be happy if the only way you can get them to be kind to you is by essentially paying them to be. Respect yourself. You're above that.

 

[Meisje]

They are being passive-aggressive and childish, but there's nothing you can do about it. When people like your sister-in-law get it in their head that they've been "wronged," they're just going to keep going. I know people like that and they believe the entire effing word revolves around them.

It seems like there isn't much that actually happened, yet it's become a giant "issue" with crying parents and people not speaking. These things happen sometimes when you get someone who

a) is upset when they are not the center of attention
b) is immature

and you inject them into a situation where they are not the primary focus of attention. Your sister-in-law seems like one of these people.

Just be the bigger person, keep your temper, and reason with your parents that you don't really think there IS an issue and you wish everyone would chill.

 

[Cydonian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipervixen There will always be drama in family affairs this includes the in-laws as well. Your brother as well may be going through his own troubles at home. He seems to be on a very short leash where he does not want to dishearten his wife, who seems like the needy, attention seeking type. This added to the fact that you are extremely happy and in a loving relationship... who knows this may be something that he (your brother) is longing for in his own relationship and your sister in law sees this and is frightened for this. So her reflex mechanism is to be hurtful towards you.

That's a really interesting psychological break down... they are having troubles in their relationship, both my husband and I have noticed (even my parents, who are the "everything is dandy" type). So that is an interesting explanation...


Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaLaura It's immature that you deleted her? It's immature that they even care. It's just Facebook. Geezus. Why should you remain "friends" on a social networking site when they can't manage to be friendly to you off the site? And I'm assuming she isn't friendly on it, either (commenting, messaging, liking).

Oh no, she is very interesting to watch. She would only comment on anything having to do with her Lia Sophia stuff (she's gotten into that and that is another dividing point between us because she wants me to sell it with her and I A) don't have an interest even though I like the jewelry and B) don't want to spend my free time doing it). So one time I posted about some party I was helping her with and she instantly "liked" it. Figures. Also, I have a blog, close to 200 followers now, and I always post on my Facebook when I've done a new look or anything because a lot of my female friends are into makeup, and a few of my guy friends even comment on my looks... She has NEVER, not ONCE, commented or even "liked" one of my posts. Nothing. Ever. Do you have any idea of how irritating that is? She is -very- active on Facebook, too, so it's nothing like that.

I just had to comment on that, because it was interesting that you said about her not being very friendly on it, lol.