sex, or lack there of

[banana1234]

so... where do i begin?
i'm not usually the type to air my dirty laundry, but i'm sure some of you specktrettes out there can help

so i've been with my bf for 6 years, we dont argue, we get along great, we love each other very much and imagine our futures together, but we hardly ever have sex anymore

this isnt so much a problem for me, i'm like a sex camel, i can go months and months and not be bothered, however, my other half is starting to complain

i explain to him that i've been really busy, i work 6 days a week, and currently only see him once/twice a week, and then we're usually out with other people, then by the time we get home 2/3 am i'm so knackered i'm not in the mood.. similarly, i wake in the mornings and he is so grumpy in the morning that he doesnt want to

now its been 8 months, and he says things to me like 'you're never in the mood anymore' or 'why wont you have sex with me' 'is there something wrong with me etc'

now, i try to explain its not like a switch you can turn on when u like, if u want to get some one night, you cant go out with ur mates, glug down a load of booze, drag yourself home at 2am and expect me to be wide awake and up for it still


anyways, the issue i'm wanting help with, is how do u guys spice up your sex life after being together for a long time?

i'm finding myself not apposed to the idea of sex, but its just not at the top of my to do list for the day!

for christmas, i have bought some sexy underwear and plan to suprise him, but again, he has invited a load of friends round xmas day for a party in the evening, so when is this alone time meant to happen?

 

[Meisje]

It seems like you guys are at the point where you'd have to schedule it, and make sure in advance that it's a good time for the both of you where you'd both be awake and interested. Some complain that's unromantic, but really, when you're in a long-term relationship, you have to prioritize things that are important. If sex is not happening, and you're busy, then you just put it at the top of the to-do list. Sometimes you have to view these things in a practical manner. And just because it's planned, that doesn't make it any less enjoyable --- in fact, you might find that you've both been looking forward to it.

Just let him know that it's circumstance, not lack of desire, that's causing the current drought. Make it clear you are into him.

You could tell him that you'd like to make it a priority and schedule an evening (or afternoon, or whatever works best for you two) of alone time. Stress to him that it's not likely to happen if you're in a large group.

 

[Simply Elegant]

Stop planning so many events with others and schedule some time when the two of you can have you time. Even if you're not havng sex during your alone time, it's still necessary to have it so the opportunity to have sex at least has the possibility of happening and you can talk about things.

I think that when you notice him in a good mood, just surprise him and initiate it.

 

[iadoremac]

8 months is a mighty long time.............i thin you guys should start out my scheduling it and probably devote one day a week where you hang out with each other i.e. date night. Remember what you wont do someone else will

 

[Meisje]

Remember what you wont do someone else will

Even if sex is sparse, I don't think there's an excuse for going outside the relationship.

 

[Cydonian]

Stop planning so many events with others and schedule some time when the two of you can have you time. Even if you're not havng sex during your alone time, it's still necessary to have it so the opportunity to have sex at least has the possibility of happening and you can talk about things.

I think that when you notice him in a good mood, just surprise him and initiate it.

Holla! That is your problem. You two need to take out some serious time for YOU TWO and you two alone. How does he expect you to have intimacy when there's 10 million people around 24/7? It doesn't work like that. I think that is a big source of your problem... I used to date a guy and we were fine until we moved in together, and then he was having his mates over CONSTANTLY and I would end up going to bed before they had even thought about leaving.

Schedules and timing also has a big impact, if you two are on different sleep schedules, that can make it really difficult. You need to have a chat with him, explain to him that you are not opposed to having sex, there is nothing wrong with him... but your schedules are clashing at the moment. He has to make an effort too instead of laying back on the bed and going "ok, let's go". Again, it doesn't work like that.

The sexy underwear thing may help but you gotta find some time for just the two of you. Life makes it hard to keep up with intimacy -- my husband and I sort of got out of the groove a while back and now we're sort of back in it... but it's hard because I work full time during the day and he currently can't work. I get home in the evening and am exhausted but I still try to make time for him.

I will warn you that sometimes talking about it can make things a little awkward... intimacy needs to happen naturally, sometimes if it's forced it won't be as good

Good luck, and hopefully you can "get some" soon

 

[Funtabulous]

I have heard that the more you have sex, the more you want it. It might help to 'do it anyway' for a while, then see if your desire returns.

Make sure you are getting something good out of it. Teach him things if you have to.

Yes, and schedule time if necessary.

Also, I have heard that the birth control pill can lower sex drive in some women, also anti-depressants.

Good luck!

 

[LMD84]

hey sweetie. i get where you are coming from. i'm working 6 days a week right now too and nick works long hours so we're both pretty tired when we come home from work. however we still make time for 'alone time'. sometimes it's true - sex is the last thing you want when you're so tired. so some nights me and him just cuddle in bed and kiss - if you're not too tired this can get you in the mood and it can lead to other thigs even if it's not full sex.

i think it's great that you've bought some sexy underwear for you to wear - you'll feel great in it and that will also help get you in the mood. but i agree with others that youb need the alone time for the sexy time to happen! i understand its hard when you have friends that want to hand out. but its also really important for you guys to have time together. also let him know for sure that its not him and it's just general life things getting in the way. but i think by just being more intimate with touching and stuff the rest will follow. i hope your drought ends soon!

 

[banana1234]

hey sweetie. i get where you are coming from. i'm working 6 days a week right now too and nick works long hours so we're both pretty tired when we come home from work. however we still make time for 'alone time'. sometimes it's true - sex is the last thing you want when you're so tired. so some nights me and him just cuddle in bed and kiss - if you're not too tired this can get you in the mood and it can lead to other thigs even if it's not full sex.

i think it's great that you've bought some sexy underwear for you to wear - you'll feel great in it and that will also help get you in the mood. but i agree with others that youb need the alone time for the sexy time to happen! i understand its hard when you have friends that want to hand out. but its also really important for you guys to have time together. also let him know for sure that its not him and it's just general life things getting in the way. but i think by just being more intimate with touching and stuff the rest will follow. i hope your drought ends soon!

me too! imy boyfriend used to complain i wanted sex too much, bet he wishes he hadnt said that now!

thanks for the ideas everyone, i mentioned date night, and said twice a month we should reserve sat night as just us two, he seemed to like the idea!

i am having quite a stressful time at work, and today brought me to tears, i think once the stress of work dies down things will get better!

 

[Nzsallyb]

hey banana! i think date night is a great idea, and also doing stuff, but not actually having sex works well, helps discover eachother's bodies again (sometime me and my bf do that and its so different), and just to get him to appreciate your body, not just his needs

 

[LMD84]

hey banana! i think date night is a great idea, and also doing stuff, but not actually having sex works well, helps discover eachother's bodies again (sometime me and my bf do that and its so different), and just to get him to appreciate your body, not just his needs

yup i totally agree with this -

 

[Lauren1981]

i think you need to specify to him that you want some time alone between you two. without airing too much of my personal business i will at the very least say i can relate to you not being up and wide awake for some sex @ 2/3 in the morning. especially after you have been partying all night. i'm not a night person. i'd dozing/nodding off by like 9:45 -10pm. sometimes earlier than that lol. but explain that to him and come to some common ground with him.
as far as spicing things up, i feel that's a more personal thing. i know what my man likes so i know how to spice things up with him but what i do may not work for the next woman ya know? you know him so you know what he likes. you know what turns him on so run with that. think of things he likes or things you know he'll like and plan either some alone time with him or just surprise him one day with it.

 

[leenybeeny]

It's all about effort. Take time, make time. You don't have to PLAN it, but sometimes if you are not in the mood (too tired or whatever) you can get yourself into the mood and it will be worth it. If you don't, you'll end up in a vicious circle. Men are more emotionally attentive when they are physically satisfied and women are more physically attentive when they are emotionally satisfied. So it will just end up a question of the chicken or the egg. Don't let it get to that point and don't lay blame. Take it upon yourself and just BE more physical with your boyfriend. It will be worth losing a little sleep

 

[leenybeeny]

oh, and there is nothing wrong with morning sex!

 

[Lauren1981]

oh, and there is nothing wrong with morning sex!

yeah.... at 7am lmao!

 

[Nzsallyb]

hey banana how have things been panning out? any better?

 

[LILYisatig3r]

Ugh I'm in a similar boat. Not quite the same situation, but similar. My boy and I have been together for about a year and a half... and things have just fizzled. When we first met (which was kind of untraditional) sex was like mind blowing. Fireworks. The whole shebang. But a few months ago, we just don't have it as often. He's started working graveyard shifts and says the reason we never do is because since he loves me now, he doesn't think we need sex constantly. We don't meet or hang out JUST for sex. He wants to spend time with me. But for me, it's like, well the majority of the time you're sleeping, when we see each other the once or twice a week that we do, yeah sometimes I want to. But he's either too tired, or not in the mood. Then he says I'm trying too hard by jumping on him all the time. Uh, correction, I don't jump. I do try to turn him on but if he doesn't get interested, then excuse me.

Long story short. I know how you feel =/ I can't really give advice because I'm having the same issue. But let me know how it pans out D: Or if you've found anything to help.