X4biddenxLustX
Well-known member
This is going to be a huge emotional rant for me. I'd first off like to say that my parents are asian and immigrants who came to the U.S. about 18 years ago. And what I am going to say about them isn't meant to represent ALL of the asian immigrant parents out there in the world.
But I've pretty much got the standard overbearing, tearing your self esteem down constantly, no encouragement whatsoever, guilt and shame you to death, your not gonna amount to anything, blah blah blah asian parents. ALL MY LIFE I've been told I'm not worth sh*t pretty much by them. I was told I was never good enough for anything. My mother has said to me many times that I do a half assed job with everything I do. Encouragement was practically non-existent in this household. I was never taught the concept to love yourself, to love who you are inside and out.
When I was in 2nd grade, my mother agreed to babysit this kid I went to elementary school with each day after school. I still remember his name, he was at least a grade higher than me. As time went on, (I'm sorry but I'm choking up writing this) he would start molesting me. He molested me ALMOST EVERYDAY he was over my house. I was afraid of what he'd do to me if I didn't agree. I wasn't even 8 years old yet and I was scared of him. I think my mother had a clue about what was going on, cause she would tell me to not do things like have any of my clothes off when he was around. But she never did anything to seperate us. It only stopped when the kids mother didn't need us to babysit him anymore.
What happened seems so small and insignificant but omg it hurts sooo bad inside. I think about it sooo much. Especially these past 2 years. I had to take a guy I went to school with to court because during class ( we sat towards the back corner) exposed himself to me and started walking towards me and harassed me. The night I had taken him to court, I had a nightmare about it all. Ever since then the memory of me being molested has been haunting. I feel so worthless inside. So ashamed and dirty and just violated. I can't even fully describe it. I know I was not raped but I still feel so disgusted with myself.
A few years ago I did give a hint to my mother when we were talking about what had happened. She didn't seem to care or show any reaction. And I left it at that with my parents. I know if I said anything now they'd think it was a cry for attention or me just being emotional. They wouldn't believe me. But I know the pain inside of me that's been eating away at me is real.
That incident has partly affected the way I've had relationships with men sexually and romantically. I just can't seem to hold down a steady and healthy relationship with a guy. I've been described as "overly sexual" by many people. And it just further disgusts me that I'm this way after what has happened. Recently a good friend of mines has suggest that I have a sex addiction, which I denied.
Around the end of august, I've been going out a lot more with friends and different people. Which means I haven't been home nearly as much as I use to and coming home at later times. I don't drink nor do I do drugs, I've only had sex with 2 different guys this whole year. I'm not coming home pregnant, high, or drunk and my parents have freaked out about me going out like I was coming home like that. I understand that I did have a rebellious streak as a teen around 13 and 14 but that's been old news for years now. They constantly yell at me when I decide to go out. My mother has accused me of being a "cunt prostitute" exact words, which is funny cause I'm absolutely broke and if I was doing that I wouldn't be worrying about money so much as I am now. Whenever I get sick (I had strep throat twice this year, followed by a sinus infection and this is also flu season) my mother constantly accuses me of being a slut and being pregnant. My father refuses to pretty much even speak to me unless he has to or needs something from me. Pretty much when I'm needed I'm of some use but when not needed, I'm just a burden. For my birthday my mother relaxed a bit but my father did not. He didn't even say happy birthday to me at all. Didn't even want to go out and get me a cake. Called me numerous times when I was out celebrating my 19th bday to have me make some phone calls for his greedy ass then completely bitched at me cause it was midnight and I wasn't home. And the next day he still hadn't told me happy birthday. It was as if it didn't exist to him. Again words can't begin to even describe how I feel about them especially my father treating me this way. It's as if I'm not even his child but the scum on the bottom of his shoe.
I went out with a friend today, got home around 12:20 midnight (my friend lives a bit further away from me). I did not make any noise when I got home as to not wake anyone up, but my mother comes downstairs about an hour later to use the bathroom and gives me this ugly stare as if she wanted to murder me. She shouted at me that if I don't come home by 10 PM, yes 10 PM (I'm 19 years old!) I can't come home. I told her that that was ridiculous. My curfew back in middle and highschool wasn't even that early. They were much more relaxed back then and now suddenly there making up for that now it seems. The stress of everything that's been building up in my life and inside me causes me to just start bawling my eyes out. My mother comes downstairs again cause she hears me crying and wants to know what I'm crying. I told her that I just want to talk to her, not argue and yell, just talk and work things out so that we understand each other instead of all this mass confusion and miscommunication we''ve been having. She says she's got not time to talk to me right now and begins to berate me and all my actions again. Pretty much making me feel like shit for just crying and being upset by everything. I understand this is there house and there are rules but I'm in the process of looking for a job and getting into classes it would be nice if they could cut me some slack. I know this will get worse when school comes into play, they expect me to study study study and work work work and nothing else. That just isn't me, I want to balance out a school, work and personal life so I can still have some fun with friends.
I really want to move out right now cause I just can't stand living in this negativity much longer but it's soo hard finding a job that pays more than $6.28 after taxes that can support me living on my own. I know that if I do take on a full time job so I can move out, I will be kissing my hopes of going to school anytime soon goodbye. Cause I need the time to work so I can pay for rent, bills, and food and the basic necessities. Even a personal life at that point would be hard to maintain, but whatever little bit of freedom I would be able to have without having to deal with angry screaming parents on a regular basis seems worth it to me.
I feel that if I did this, this would fuel my resentment towards my parents. I'm almost at a point where I want to say I hate them, but love them at the same time. I'm considering if moving out, in a way severing ties with them. I know they will still constantly scrutinize my every move and decision even if I'm on my own. I just can't deal with it anymore. Enough to just make me want to when I'm older send them a "retirement" check every month and holiday cards each year and that be it.
I hate myself so much. I can't even look in the mirror and say that I like the person I see in it. Sometimes I just want to know how things would be if I just poof! dissappeared. Would it be better?
But I've pretty much got the standard overbearing, tearing your self esteem down constantly, no encouragement whatsoever, guilt and shame you to death, your not gonna amount to anything, blah blah blah asian parents. ALL MY LIFE I've been told I'm not worth sh*t pretty much by them. I was told I was never good enough for anything. My mother has said to me many times that I do a half assed job with everything I do. Encouragement was practically non-existent in this household. I was never taught the concept to love yourself, to love who you are inside and out.
When I was in 2nd grade, my mother agreed to babysit this kid I went to elementary school with each day after school. I still remember his name, he was at least a grade higher than me. As time went on, (I'm sorry but I'm choking up writing this) he would start molesting me. He molested me ALMOST EVERYDAY he was over my house. I was afraid of what he'd do to me if I didn't agree. I wasn't even 8 years old yet and I was scared of him. I think my mother had a clue about what was going on, cause she would tell me to not do things like have any of my clothes off when he was around. But she never did anything to seperate us. It only stopped when the kids mother didn't need us to babysit him anymore.
What happened seems so small and insignificant but omg it hurts sooo bad inside. I think about it sooo much. Especially these past 2 years. I had to take a guy I went to school with to court because during class ( we sat towards the back corner) exposed himself to me and started walking towards me and harassed me. The night I had taken him to court, I had a nightmare about it all. Ever since then the memory of me being molested has been haunting. I feel so worthless inside. So ashamed and dirty and just violated. I can't even fully describe it. I know I was not raped but I still feel so disgusted with myself.
A few years ago I did give a hint to my mother when we were talking about what had happened. She didn't seem to care or show any reaction. And I left it at that with my parents. I know if I said anything now they'd think it was a cry for attention or me just being emotional. They wouldn't believe me. But I know the pain inside of me that's been eating away at me is real.
That incident has partly affected the way I've had relationships with men sexually and romantically. I just can't seem to hold down a steady and healthy relationship with a guy. I've been described as "overly sexual" by many people. And it just further disgusts me that I'm this way after what has happened. Recently a good friend of mines has suggest that I have a sex addiction, which I denied.
Around the end of august, I've been going out a lot more with friends and different people. Which means I haven't been home nearly as much as I use to and coming home at later times. I don't drink nor do I do drugs, I've only had sex with 2 different guys this whole year. I'm not coming home pregnant, high, or drunk and my parents have freaked out about me going out like I was coming home like that. I understand that I did have a rebellious streak as a teen around 13 and 14 but that's been old news for years now. They constantly yell at me when I decide to go out. My mother has accused me of being a "cunt prostitute" exact words, which is funny cause I'm absolutely broke and if I was doing that I wouldn't be worrying about money so much as I am now. Whenever I get sick (I had strep throat twice this year, followed by a sinus infection and this is also flu season) my mother constantly accuses me of being a slut and being pregnant. My father refuses to pretty much even speak to me unless he has to or needs something from me. Pretty much when I'm needed I'm of some use but when not needed, I'm just a burden. For my birthday my mother relaxed a bit but my father did not. He didn't even say happy birthday to me at all. Didn't even want to go out and get me a cake. Called me numerous times when I was out celebrating my 19th bday to have me make some phone calls for his greedy ass then completely bitched at me cause it was midnight and I wasn't home. And the next day he still hadn't told me happy birthday. It was as if it didn't exist to him. Again words can't begin to even describe how I feel about them especially my father treating me this way. It's as if I'm not even his child but the scum on the bottom of his shoe.
I went out with a friend today, got home around 12:20 midnight (my friend lives a bit further away from me). I did not make any noise when I got home as to not wake anyone up, but my mother comes downstairs about an hour later to use the bathroom and gives me this ugly stare as if she wanted to murder me. She shouted at me that if I don't come home by 10 PM, yes 10 PM (I'm 19 years old!) I can't come home. I told her that that was ridiculous. My curfew back in middle and highschool wasn't even that early. They were much more relaxed back then and now suddenly there making up for that now it seems. The stress of everything that's been building up in my life and inside me causes me to just start bawling my eyes out. My mother comes downstairs again cause she hears me crying and wants to know what I'm crying. I told her that I just want to talk to her, not argue and yell, just talk and work things out so that we understand each other instead of all this mass confusion and miscommunication we''ve been having. She says she's got not time to talk to me right now and begins to berate me and all my actions again. Pretty much making me feel like shit for just crying and being upset by everything. I understand this is there house and there are rules but I'm in the process of looking for a job and getting into classes it would be nice if they could cut me some slack. I know this will get worse when school comes into play, they expect me to study study study and work work work and nothing else. That just isn't me, I want to balance out a school, work and personal life so I can still have some fun with friends.
I really want to move out right now cause I just can't stand living in this negativity much longer but it's soo hard finding a job that pays more than $6.28 after taxes that can support me living on my own. I know that if I do take on a full time job so I can move out, I will be kissing my hopes of going to school anytime soon goodbye. Cause I need the time to work so I can pay for rent, bills, and food and the basic necessities. Even a personal life at that point would be hard to maintain, but whatever little bit of freedom I would be able to have without having to deal with angry screaming parents on a regular basis seems worth it to me.
I feel that if I did this, this would fuel my resentment towards my parents. I'm almost at a point where I want to say I hate them, but love them at the same time. I'm considering if moving out, in a way severing ties with them. I know they will still constantly scrutinize my every move and decision even if I'm on my own. I just can't deal with it anymore. Enough to just make me want to when I'm older send them a "retirement" check every month and holiday cards each year and that be it.
I hate myself so much. I can't even look in the mirror and say that I like the person I see in it. Sometimes I just want to know how things would be if I just poof! dissappeared. Would it be better?