Sometimes I just want to let go, so lost, facing my demons.

[X4biddenxLustX]

This is going to be a huge emotional rant for me. I'd first off like to say that my parents are asian and immigrants who came to the U.S. about 18 years ago. And what I am going to say about them isn't meant to represent ALL of the asian immigrant parents out there in the world.

But I've pretty much got the standard overbearing, tearing your self esteem down constantly, no encouragement whatsoever, guilt and shame you to death, your not gonna amount to anything, blah blah blah asian parents. ALL MY LIFE I've been told I'm not worth sh*t pretty much by them. I was told I was never good enough for anything. My mother has said to me many times that I do a half assed job with everything I do. Encouragement was practically non-existent in this household. I was never taught the concept to love yourself, to love who you are inside and out.

When I was in 2nd grade, my mother agreed to babysit this kid I went to elementary school with each day after school. I still remember his name, he was at least a grade higher than me. As time went on, (I'm sorry but I'm choking up writing this) he would start molesting me. He molested me ALMOST EVERYDAY he was over my house. I was afraid of what he'd do to me if I didn't agree. I wasn't even 8 years old yet and I was scared of him. I think my mother had a clue about what was going on, cause she would tell me to not do things like have any of my clothes off when he was around. But she never did anything to seperate us. It only stopped when the kids mother didn't need us to babysit him anymore.

What happened seems so small and insignificant but omg it hurts sooo bad inside. I think about it sooo much. Especially these past 2 years. I had to take a guy I went to school with to court because during class ( we sat towards the back corner) exposed himself to me and started walking towards me and harassed me. The night I had taken him to court, I had a nightmare about it all. Ever since then the memory of me being molested has been haunting. I feel so worthless inside. So ashamed and dirty and just violated. I can't even fully describe it. I know I was not raped but I still feel so disgusted with myself.

A few years ago I did give a hint to my mother when we were talking about what had happened. She didn't seem to care or show any reaction. And I left it at that with my parents. I know if I said anything now they'd think it was a cry for attention or me just being emotional. They wouldn't believe me. But I know the pain inside of me that's been eating away at me is real.

That incident has partly affected the way I've had relationships with men sexually and romantically. I just can't seem to hold down a steady and healthy relationship with a guy. I've been described as "overly sexual" by many people. And it just further disgusts me that I'm this way after what has happened. Recently a good friend of mines has suggest that I have a sex addiction, which I denied.

Around the end of august, I've been going out a lot more with friends and different people. Which means I haven't been home nearly as much as I use to and coming home at later times. I don't drink nor do I do drugs, I've only had sex with 2 different guys this whole year. I'm not coming home pregnant, high, or drunk and my parents have freaked out about me going out like I was coming home like that. I understand that I did have a rebellious streak as a teen around 13 and 14 but that's been old news for years now. They constantly yell at me when I decide to go out. My mother has accused me of being a "cunt prostitute" exact words, which is funny cause I'm absolutely broke and if I was doing that I wouldn't be worrying about money so much as I am now. Whenever I get sick (I had strep throat twice this year, followed by a sinus infection and this is also flu season) my mother constantly accuses me of being a slut and being pregnant. My father refuses to pretty much even speak to me unless he has to or needs something from me. Pretty much when I'm needed I'm of some use but when not needed, I'm just a burden. For my birthday my mother relaxed a bit but my father did not. He didn't even say happy birthday to me at all. Didn't even want to go out and get me a cake. Called me numerous times when I was out celebrating my 19th bday to have me make some phone calls for his greedy ass then completely bitched at me cause it was midnight and I wasn't home. And the next day he still hadn't told me happy birthday. It was as if it didn't exist to him. Again words can't begin to even describe how I feel about them especially my father treating me this way. It's as if I'm not even his child but the scum on the bottom of his shoe.

I went out with a friend today, got home around 12:20 midnight (my friend lives a bit further away from me). I did not make any noise when I got home as to not wake anyone up, but my mother comes downstairs about an hour later to use the bathroom and gives me this ugly stare as if she wanted to murder me. She shouted at me that if I don't come home by 10 PM, yes 10 PM (I'm 19 years old!) I can't come home. I told her that that was ridiculous. My curfew back in middle and highschool wasn't even that early. They were much more relaxed back then and now suddenly there making up for that now it seems. The stress of everything that's been building up in my life and inside me causes me to just start bawling my eyes out. My mother comes downstairs again cause she hears me crying and wants to know what I'm crying. I told her that I just want to talk to her, not argue and yell, just talk and work things out so that we understand each other instead of all this mass confusion and miscommunication we''ve been having. She says she's got not time to talk to me right now and begins to berate me and all my actions again. Pretty much making me feel like shit for just crying and being upset by everything. I understand this is there house and there are rules but I'm in the process of looking for a job and getting into classes it would be nice if they could cut me some slack. I know this will get worse when school comes into play, they expect me to study study study and work work work and nothing else. That just isn't me, I want to balance out a school, work and personal life so I can still have some fun with friends.

I really want to move out right now cause I just can't stand living in this negativity much longer but it's soo hard finding a job that pays more than $6.28 after taxes that can support me living on my own. I know that if I do take on a full time job so I can move out, I will be kissing my hopes of going to school anytime soon goodbye. Cause I need the time to work so I can pay for rent, bills, and food and the basic necessities. Even a personal life at that point would be hard to maintain, but whatever little bit of freedom I would be able to have without having to deal with angry screaming parents on a regular basis seems worth it to me.

I feel that if I did this, this would fuel my resentment towards my parents. I'm almost at a point where I want to say I hate them, but love them at the same time. I'm considering if moving out, in a way severing ties with them. I know they will still constantly scrutinize my every move and decision even if I'm on my own. I just can't deal with it anymore. Enough to just make me want to when I'm older send them a "retirement" check every month and holiday cards each year and that be it.

I hate myself so much. I can't even look in the mirror and say that I like the person I see in it. Sometimes I just want to know how things would be if I just poof! dissappeared. Would it be better?

 

[LMD84]

wow. it must have taken alot for you to write all this down hun.

well about the molester - i can't really offer any good advise on this other than are you able to speak to a therapist about it? i know money is not rolling in right now but is there any way you could even call like a victim support advise phone line? i think speaking to a trained person on this would be best. but i'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child. and as far as your mum just ignoring what was going on - i wouldn't be surprised if she put it to the back of her mind purely because she didn't want to face up to what was really going on.

your parents do seem to be acting very un-reasonable right now. and gaina i have no advise as to why they are doing it. thinsg got really bad for me when i lived at home which is one of the reasons why i moved out at 18 years of age. alot of the things your father is saying and doing is much like what mine did to me. is there no friend that you would be able to move in with right now? or would a shared appartment or something be cheap enough to rent? or do you hae any other family that you could stay with (i'm thinking not as you said you guys moved into the US)

i really do hope things get better for you.

 

[blazeno.8]

I'm really sorry that you had to go through this. I would say that you're doing probably the best thing that you can do in this situation: talking about how you feel. Even if you feel bad about yourself right now, talking about it allows you to validate your feelings which is something your parents didn't seem to keen on doing.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I just really felt like I had NO WHERE else to go with this. Absolutely nowhere. And I've been so sick of being so humble when it comes to the way I think and feel. I have a thing with burdening people who I am close with with my problems.

I had texted a friend of mines who I have been opening up to who knows about my situation with my parents and has witnesssed first hand how ridiculous their behavior is. I had opened up to him to text and let him know about why I truly resent my parents - cause of the molestation.

He didn't text me back =/ I'm truly afraid I had scared him off with that. I just felt like I needed to let someone know. Know why the relationship I have with my parents is so fractured. I feel like from the outside it appears as if the issue is just me going out and coming home at later times and not being a traditional "good" asian girl in my parent's eyes. But there is more to it.

I've been seeing a therapist weekly (thank goodness I have medical insurance for now) for a year now and we have not really spoken at all about what happened when I was younger. I just wanna start bawling my eyes out at the near mention of it. I told myself for the longest time that it was just a bad dream and that it's not real and that I'll wake up from it eventually. But when I do wakeup I realize it was all real.

I feel like if my mother truly does know in the back of her mind, that this may be a cultural thing for her to not acknowledge it. It is unspoken and unheard of, such a thing in my culture. And if something is not spoken about then it doesn't exist in a sense. But the problem is that it does exist.

I just don't understand how parents could do such a thing?! Treat the children they brought into this world and raised so shabbily? My parents do the whole I put a roof over your head, food on the table, etc but I want to ask them but where is the love? The nurturing? The understanding side or being a parent?

In a way this has affected my decision to whether or whether not have children in the future. I've decided not to cause I could not bear to have something so ugly happen to my child. I couldn't live with myself. But what if I somehow end up just like my mother? They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sadly, right now I don't really have anyone to stay with or really go. Or else i would of been GONE months ago. =[

 

[Almond_Eyed]

I think Asian parents show their love by being very critical of their kids... and due to cultural differences, us kids who are born in a Western society take it the wrong way. Generally, Asian cultures aren't openly loving and affectionate like Western cultures. My parents constantly told me I was fat when I was a teenager and it really affected my self esteem.

I seriously think you need to seek professional help ASAP. Being molested as a kid is a serious issue that you need to resolve so you can move on with your life in a healthy way. I'm sure there are free or affordable resources you can access, in Canada there's Kids Help Phone:

Welcome to Kids Help Phone

I hope you find a way out. <3

 

[Jessica0984]

I just want to say that I am so sorry this happend to you, I don't really have any advice to give but I did endure a similar situation when I was younger, except I wasn't molested. I had a friend in fourth grade who I suspect was getting molested, her dad would never let her come over to my house to spend the night and everything we did had to be at her house or her parents had to take us. Her parents even had seperate bedrooms. I swear I even saw him touch her boobs once when I was spending the night there. About a few months after I stopped going over there and I found out in middle school by another friend of ours that she told her mom that I was touching her boobs and I was a lesbian. I suspect that she did this because her mom probably saw her acting weird and questioned her and used me in place of her dad. I never ever touched her like that! We hugged like friends do but that is it. Needless to say from then on I have been less trusting with my friends and I have a really hard time opening up to people. I am so glad this is a closed forum and I can actually write this out somewhere. I am here if you ever need to talk to someone.

 

[cindiaz]

I'm sorry this is happening to you,you should talk with your therapist about the molestation,that way maybe you can have a little bit of peace in your heart,and like some other people has said in here,do you have more family? or look for a roomate?I really hope that everything goes well for you,just think that you are a very important person and about your parents they sound very critical of you,mine are mexican,like me and my mom when i was 19 she didn't even let me go anywhere but know we are the best friends because she changed a lot.Just remember that experiences like this make you stronger and that you have a lot of friends in Specktra.

 

[gildedangel]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist about it; these things do take time though; but it will get better for you. I would try to save up money where you can and try to look for a roommate/s for a place to live. The situation that you are living in is obviously unhealthy for you, and remember that we are all here for you!

 

[ICandi]

*HUGS* I'm so sorry hunnie! I know how hard it is to go through things like that. I've been through a few things myself. I know it's so much harder said to push out the negativity than done. Keep your head up! Look for a roomie that can help you with expenses if you really want to move out. I'll keep you in my prayers and if you ever want to vent or talk you can always shoot me a PM

Stay strong sweetie!

 

[FiestyFemme]

I think you should move out if at all possible. It's not a healthy environment, and you've got your own issues to deal with. I don't know what else to say, just wanted to let you know I read what you said and that my heart goes out to you!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Thank you ladies.

I honestly hate to admit this but lately I've been wishing, I had other people as parents. People who are just much more understanding and just don't act so damn ridiculous. I know it could be worse but it's not getting any better either though the way we act with each other. There's just so much tension between us all in this household.

Unfortunately right now, I just don't have the means to move out. No money, no one to move in with, etc. I've talked to friends about moving into places but all of them don't want to move out this way though =[

I'm trying my best to avoid any fights with my parents right now cause I'm sick of yelling, screaming and the chaos.

My father has serious control issues it seems. He NEEDS things to go his way or he'll have a major hissy fit about it. Like MY money, whatever I make is his money. We recently and still are having a huge argument over me purchasing a brand new laptop from best buy. I wanted something reliable for when I do start classes cause my desktop is 6 years old and has had to been repaired at least 4 times and the fan is about to blow out anytime now.

Where we live, the big grocery store here has a promotion where if you purchase $50 worth of gift cards to different stores like Macy's, best buy, and sears, etc you will receive 10 to 20 cents off every gallon of gas. When my dad found out that I had applied to get a Best buy store credit card that offered 18 months 0% financing if monthly payments are made and didn't buy giftcards from the grocery store to purchase the laptop he went APE SH*T.

I know gas is expensive but still, this laptop was purchased in MY NAME. He even had the nerve to accuse me of taking his credit card and putting the laptop on it! When I had straight up and told him that I applied for the store credit card in my name and got approved and charged the laptop on there since that way I have some time to pay it off. It seemed like the smartest option at that moment to me.

But eventually I gave into there wishes. Ugh. My father forced me to call best buy up over and over again until they picked up (apparently the stores suck at answering their phones) to ask if I could return the laptop and repurchase it with giftcards. They said yes so he went out and purchased around $800 worth of best buy giftcards so I could do that so he could get his stupid gas perks. And btw this was ALL on my birthday too. He blew up my phone telling me over and over again to keep calling best buy til they answer. Then around midnight when i was at my friend's place watching a movie after a day of celebrating my birthday, he calls and completely FREAKS OUT at me cause I'm not home and it's midnight! Like my friend was able to hear when I was on the phone how loud his yelling was! On top of that he didn't wish me a happy birthday at all that day, and really did not want to go out and get me a cake even.

I feel really weird everytime I even call him my "father". I'm sorry but you providing me with a roof over my head and food to eat does not make you a real father. I'm sorry but it just doesn't.

I told my therapist about what happened when I was younger for the first time. It was a heartbreaking moment for me. I can't really say I feel any better now that it's out cause I don't. I'm sort of back to the point where I'm trying to pretend it never happened or that I'm not a victim cause I just don't want to deal with it. I'm honestly not ready to deal with it, Idk if I ever will.

 

[MaskedBeauty]

Wow. First off I just want to say i'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. Your parents actions are just rediculous. No parents should act like that, I don't care where they're from. Since you talked to your therapist about the incident when you were little, did he/she mention that maybe that could be why you have problems having steady relationships with guys and constantly are thinking about sex (read your other posting about that)?? I know its a hard thing to come out and talk about but once you keep talking to your therapist about it I think it will really help lift some weight off your shoulders although it may not seem like it right now. Just make sure you let everything out when talking to him/her. it really does help.

As for your parents, its not healthy for anyone to be in a situation like that. stress can cause a lot of physical and emotional problems. If you can't afford an apartment by yourself maybe you can put an ad out for a roommate. Or on craigslist they have listings for rooms for rent as do the local newspapers. That way you aren't spending quite as much money and you could still possibly go to school and save for things you want in life.

If you ever need to talk about anything, I know you don't really know me, but feel free to PM me any time. Sometimes it helps talking to someone who won't judge you (which your therapist falls under that category too). Just always remember that even though you may not think so right now, you are a very beautiful girl and you will find your way through these hard times and come out even stronger.

 

[Hypathya]

Dearest:

I am really, deeply sorry you're going through all this and I want you to know I'm here for you since I've been trough similar experiences.

I know things look really badly now and that you just can't imagine better times for you in the future. I like to believe everything in this life happens for a very good reason. There's knowledge, wisdom, light and strength to be found in every experience. An also, I believe that difficult tasks are appointed to those who can endure them. You are going to be fine sooner than you believe. You are going to grow into a beautiful person because all of this.

I know how is to be molested. It happened, you were molested. It was not your fault but you were molested. My best advice for you is to repeat it until you truly realized IT HAPPENED. For me, the most difficult part was that: to realize that it happened and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I know you must say: I'm telling you I was molested!!! But one thing is to say it happened and another to realize it, to acknowledge it. It actually happened to you and there's nothing you can do to change that. What you can do about it is to stop taking the blame for it and to stop feeling bad and dirty for it. You are not a victim, but it happened. You're are not a victim but a proud warrior. This experience has not killed you, it'll make you prouder and stronger.

If you're not ready to deal the abuse you experienced, it's Ok. Give yourself the compassion (not pity) and love others have denied you until you're ready for it.

It is of the greatest importance that you find a way to cope with being molested, in your own terms and time. You need to find a way to grow your selfsteem and happiness or you'll carry with it your whole life.

For what I can read I have the feeling your therapist is not helping a lot. Have you considered changing therapist?? I have suffered clinical depression since childhood, and it was until my current and 6th therapist that i begun to see and feel improvement. Success often depends on empathy between the patient and the therapist. If you are unable to change, consider finding a group therapy. In matters of abuse, it really helps because you'll meet great people who has suffered similar situations and pretty often is easier to realize it wasn't their fault and to clearly see the whole experience when it comes to anybody else but yourself. Also you'll find the compassion and understanding you're in need.

Also, I know how is to talk to your mother in search for advice/help/comfort in matters of abuse, and not finding what you need. Sometimes is really difficult for them too, to deal with the fact you were molested.

As for your parents, I know its hard to understand, but probably the were raised even more rigidly than they raised you. If that's the case, they can't understand you, not because they don't want to but because they simply can. I know its hard to believe, but they love you and care for you. Maybe not the way you need to be love but the way they've learned to or they can. Parents simply do their best. Often, their best is not enough for their children, but they do what they can. In many cultures, parents are believed to know it all, to rule it all, to be absolute authorities in all matters and not to be questioned for anything. It's not their fault they were taught that way to be the only way.

You have every right to feel angry about them, to feel they're not providing you with the things you need (love, compassion, nurturing, understanding,...) Don't feed that anger, accept it but don't feed it. They won't change the way they are, but you can learn things from this whole situation, for instance, how to be a better mom, a better person.

In many cultures, as you stated, problems are to be dealt with silence. If it's unspoken, it didn't happen. But that, as you already know, it's not the best way, it's not the health way. Your parents must not know a different way but silence and obedience.

I know it's hard but you do live under their roof, you are bound to their rules. It's their house you live in, and you don't have the right to question their rules, you can try to renegotiate them, but in the end you'll have to stick to them. I know it's hard, my parents were not easy either. To this day, married and all, when I go an visit them (we live in different cities) and I go on date with my husband and we come home passed 10 (I had that exact curfew until the day I married) they both ask me in the morning with "the look" Where did you go last night? What time did you get home? Why?

What I'm trying to say to you is try to understand them and to stick to their rules in order to live in a better environment and to accomplish greater goods, for instance, to finish your education. Do it not because you agree with them but because you need to. And do trace a plan to move out as fast as you can. Not next month, but as soon as you have the means to support yourself.

I hope I was of any help. If you have further questions, feel free to ask them in here or to pm me. I hope you're able to cope this whole situation very soon and feel happy again. Be blessed.

Eugenia.

 

[1165Cheryl]

I too went through some of the things you mentioned along with a rape when I was older. Thankfully I found a therapist (after many) that helped me work through it.
First please remember it is NOT better if you disappear. I know the feeling, I've been there. Once you get to the other side though beleive me it's worth it.

Your family may never be there for you with this and in time you'll need to except that. There are certain things people cant handle...I tried telling my mom about the rape and she wouldnt listen, I didnt even try with the molestation. That was many years ago and our relationship now is great, we are very close which happened after I worked through my issues and past. Then her and I went to therapy and worked on other stuff, she was very willing to go and we both learned a lot.

I agree with Hypathya...everything takes time and you'll know when your ready to accept and face this and get the help you need.

Hang in there because life does change and in time this will be part of your past instead of being such a big part of who you are today. I know how hard that can be in the meantime and how tempting disappearing can be but take if from us thats been there and now are happy with ourselves. It sounds like your ready to begin the process, you came here and talked about it, thats a start, a big one. Keep taking those steps, one by one....

Feel free to PM me also, there are so many good people here and thank you for sharing your life and being honest.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Im sorry you are going through this. I have no advice to offer, I can only say that u seem like such a sweet person. You are beautiful, and things will get better for you.

 

[1165Cheryl]

How are you doing it's been awhile since you posted so I wanted to check in, let us know when you get a chance

 

[viverr]

aww man, i'm so sorry this happened. please take care of yourself and hang in there.

 

[Babylard]

Hi, I want to say that I am sad for you and that I hope things will get better. Ask yourself first, before you ask anyone else and remember that you are beautiful. I am disgusted by your parents as they seem to be very..... inadequate parents. It's normal to rebel and all as I've been there myself, but it's no excuse for your mother to be telling you that she has no time for you when you are obviously in need of attention and love. Its not fair, and you do NOT deserve it. At some points in my life, I had also wished I had different parents as my curfews were ridiculous and I was never able to hang out with friends. I skipped a lot of school, and that has effected my in a way where I had to move out of province for school. Don't force yourself to put up with anything. If you feel like you have to remove yourself from an unhealthy environment, do it. Life will be harder on your own, but sometimes it makes us better people. The independence you gain is valuable and maybe your parents will begin to see how valuable you are. Start with a small job and save money and maybe you can find a place to stay cheaply, perhaps like renting a room with access to a bathroom and laundry machines. I am not saying that you should move out, but maybe try to do well in school, get a job and move out. I know you might have to stick it up for a long while but it will be worth it in the end. Do you have any trust worthy friends you could talk to? If you need, you could always pm me if you want to chat. I hope things get better for you and I hope you take care of yourself. If you are uncomfortable with something, say so and try to exit as fast as you can. Go have a coffee at starbucks for a while or go to the movies. If someone is hurting you, I hope you try to get away and go somewhere public and safe.

good luck dear =( i am sorry to hear you are going through this