stefania905
Well-known member
sorry that it is long & sorry if i have typos.....
every holiday has been ruined for me because my family. all they do is focus on physical appearance. i always get called fat, even in other languages...but i already understand it from growin up hearin it all the time.
my grandma lives in the Philippines & its tropical there, i remember coming down her stairs @ her house in a tank top & old navy gray shorts, all of a sudden i hear the word "fat" in Tagalog. i was only 12 then, i am 20 yrs old now.
even when i was a size 4-6, i would constantly be teased...only by family. most of high school i sufferend from bulimia, my brother even walked in on me with my fingers down my throat. my dad used to hear me puking til i start bleeding. it used to be so bad that as soon as i wake up, i'd throw up stomach acid just b/c sticking my fingers down my throat was what i was used to.
Thanksgiving 2 years ago, i remember my Mom started streching out my shirt in from of my cousin's wife. she told my Mom to stop & leave me alone. the shirt wasn't tight, i was just wearing a shirt underneath to cover up cleavage. i was also playing w/ my baby cousin that night & i kept on having to leave to go to the bathroom b/c I didnt want them all to see me cry.
On Mother's Day, my dad, mom, brother & i went out to eat. we ate sushi, then my brother started mentioning my stomach & legs...how they are chubby. fine, do it...that hurts to hear, of course but thats totally RUDE to do it at dinner.
at the end of last year, i was almost raped by a guy. he took off my bra & underwear but got fed up w. me fightin back. i ended up in the ER because he hit me & left me outside to bleed by myself. someone did find me. my bottom front teeth were pushed back & one was sticking it, my lips were black & blue, i had bruises my hips and i had to have sitiches It changed my outlook on life alot. i attempted suicide numerous times before but i so badly so baldy wanted to die after it happened. my parents wouldnt let me out of their site, afraid i might do somethin stupid. i kept prayin to God & askin my uncle who passed away Christmas 2005 that i needed to be strong. my brother needs me for girl adice, my mom needs me to go shopping with her, my dad needs me because i am his lil girl & my dog needs me b/c she doesnt play w/ anyone else.
i didnt think of anything but death for a few months after . i constantly do still think about death but now loosing someone i love. i have social anxiety, i cant get close to a guy or even normally talk to them like i used to. i lost all my caring for what other people think of me now. Well not all, but not as much. if you don't like me, oh well...its my life, im here for myself. however, family opinion is the world to me.
tonight, my Mom just came home from the Tanger outlets....she had bought me a tank top. Except she goes "u are really big now like me so i can borrow it too". I ALWAYS talk to her about even mentioning ANYTHING about weight around me. I hate when she even judges celebrities, random people.
i dont want praise but ive done so much and overcome so in life. i had a brain tumor when i was younger. it just gets so hard sometimes. i kno people have it worse but i just cant figure out what to do. im graduating college, my brother never did. i dont do drugs, smoke...i may not be skinny but i can still walk uphill & what not. the fact that im actually still on earth should be some sort of clue. i am strong & i am not ashamed to admit it anymore...but i need help sometimes.
