stick it through or walk away?

[3773519]

Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Before this relationship I was in a 8 year relationship with the father of my son. I left him because I got tired of the financial issues. He went from job to job and never was really stable meaning I had to pick up the slack a lot of the time. Now dont get me wrong, I understand that when someone is down you help them. ESPECIALLY when they are your significant other. But in the end the money issues never stopped and it eventually effected other departments in our relationship....

So fast forward, I left him and got into another relationship really fast. I didnt want to but you cant help who you fall in love with. One thing I wanted to make sure was that he had a job and was able to take care of himself. For some reason..once we started dating...he lost his job and just hasnt been able to be stable ever since. At first it just waved red flags, and he told me if I wanted to stop seeing him because this issue was all too familiar from my last relationship, he understood. But I felt wrong leaving him just because of money. I said I'd see it through but now its starting to feel like its never going to get better. I find myself fixing his resume and applying for him online...but I dont see him making time to look for a better job. Hes currently is working a compension based job and its been so bad that hes late on rent. We dont live together but I just feel stressed out for him.

I feel like I have already invested 2 years with this man. Im 28 and I'm looking to settle down. I love this man so much, but I worry. I worry about money being an issue, I just dont want to go through that. Spending years with someone and feeling like things will always depend on me to fix or do.

I dont know what to do....I feel like if we want to do anything fun, it comes out my pocket. I have found myself paying some of his bills because i feel bad. We talk about the future but then think...HOW is this going to work out? under my paycheck only? I have a child and I have my own responsibilities...I cant afford to take care of a man too. HELP.... :-(

 

[thatKanojo]

Personally, I don't think you should ever have to be responsible for someone else's resume and you should never have to apply for jobs for them. It's one thing if he's asking you to check his papers for mistakes, but if he's a responsible adult he should be able to do those things by himself.

 

[3773519]

Your right. I feel like why am I doing this right now? Why am I looking for work? I have a job. Im not the one behind rent. The worst part of it all is that this is starting to feel like a pattern for me...and not only in my own relationships but my father also has had money issues. When I was young my father was always unable to come through when he said he would, and left all the financial stress on my mother. Luckily my mother has always been successful and good managing money.

 

[andabri]

I think you should try a new perspective. The way things are right now isn't working for you, but they sound like they're working for him (you doing his resume, applying for jobs for him, paying his bills, paying for anything you do together, possibly other expenses you didn't list) so he doesn't make an effort. Why should he, he has you to pick up the slack. Let me just say, I'm not saying this in a mean way at all also, nor do I think your boyfriend is horrible. He just might feel helpless in his situation, inadequate, even depressed, so its easiest for him to let someone else deal with his problems, which ends up being you.

Things aren't going well, so change them! Stop doing all those things for him. Let him suffer (for an ultimately good outcome). He's a big boy, actually beyond that, a grown man. If he goes hungry for a few days, or has to take cold showers because he has no electricity for hot water because he's not paying his bills, GOOD. He needs to really *feel* the consequences of his financial choices, which he doesn't feel because you are such a caring person and help him out.

When you just step out of the financial picture, you will also see how he truly handles finances, so you can make an educated decision on whether you want this man.

 

[3773519]

Your right. I have to stop being his MOM. I have a child already. I dont need another one. I just dont understand how a person can see that they are in a bind and just be so nonchalant about things, but how can they not be right? when you know someone is going to do it for you. The way someone handles their finances doesnt just tell how they handle money but also other characteristics of their personality. The issue here is that Im one of those people that had a budget and save and balance my check book daily, meanwhile he's the total opposite.

He def needs to struggle. I just have this strong feeling that this is going to hender our relationship. But if thats what has to happen I need to let it happen.