Stuck in A Rut

[lojical1]

So I've been dating my guy for almost 4 years now and I'm starting to feel....stuck in a rut. We don't do the things we used to or spend much quality time at all, which is pretty sad considering we live together. I've talked to him before about what quality time means to me (more than just sitting in the same room) and I want to tell him that it feels like he's losing me, but I feel like that may be very harsh. I work retail so my hours are ridiculous right now and I hardly have money to spend on a trip plus I probably won't get a Saturday off until next year. His only off days are Saturday and Sunday and his finances are tight as well. I try to suggest free things to do , or even ask him to accompany me to events I am invited to, but he seems so disinterested and we end up fighting about him (not) coming.

What do you do when you feel you're just treading water? I love him alot and while I don't see leaving as a possibility, I alos don't see staying this way either.

 

[LMD84]

well i know what it's like to work in retail and be working all kinds of hours! i'm doing 6 days a week at the moment and my hubby get the weekend off and i work both days so we never get a full day together at the moment.

also just like you we're short on money because if buying gifts for people, moving house in jan and paying for our holiday. so in short we don't have much cash to go out anywhere or even the time!

that said i'm hapy spenidng the evening snuggling on the sofa with him and watching a great film. do you guys do that? i know you say that spending quality time with each other doesn't mean just being in the same room. and you;re right! it's doesn't! you have to be doing something together!

do you have agames console of any kind? sometimes me and hubby will play a game together. ones on the wii are espcially fun to do together because of the silly movements you make! so we end up having a giggle doing things like that at home.

or we'll go to the pub in our village for a drink after work. that way we can talk and spend time together but not spending much cash.

as for him not wanting to go to functions with you and stuff... is he shy? maybe he wouldn't feel comfortable going because he won't know anybody? it may be an issue as simple as that rather than him just not wanting to spend time with you.

i hope this helps or maybe gives you some ideas of things to do. but at the end of the day you can't force him to do anything and if he's not putting in as much effort as you'd like then maybe you should have a serious chat.

 

[kaliraksha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lojical1 I love him alot and while I don't see leaving as a possibility, I alos don't see staying this way either.

This describes a lot of how I felt in the low parts of my relationship. I've been with my guy going on 8 years and we've lived together for 4 years now. I've been in the rut many a times. The truth is I think the best thing you can do is talk to him and you both have to acknowledge that you're both strapped for resources-time & money, but that you love each other and want to make it work.

I'm a huge advocate for date night. Something that takes you away from what you usually do together. It doesn't have to be weekly. Makes plans with each other and keep them.

Find other ways to stay in touch with each other. Emails? Texts? Messages around the house? My SO and I like to leave each other messages on the bathroom mirror for the other to find when they wake up in the morning. We just leave a pack of dry erase markers by the mirror.

I'm not trying to convince you to stay in a relationship that you feel is stagnant. But is it really the relationship or is it just something you guys are going through? Sometimes I get upset that my bf and I don't do the type of things you do when you're courting... or we don't do them as often. But for us, too, it's about money. And I think if we were single we still wouldn't have that money to go out. Or there are days with work and school that we only see each other for an hour and then go to bed... but my life would still be that busy without him.

Every relationship goes through a rut at least once, but talk to him and make sure that this is not how he envisions the rest of your time together. That this is only a temporary situation.

 

[Meisje]

Communicate with him and be blunt --- you have to tell him EXACTLY how you feel and what you want. He is not going to figure it out on his own; if I am gauging this situation correctly, he doesn't even feel there's a problem and is likely oblivious to your unhappiness.

Also, he's taking you for granted here. He assumes you will be around when he wants, and that you won't have any needs or wants. He seems to actually get angry when you suggest you might want something. That's dangerous territory to be getting into and it will only get worse unless you do something to fix it now. His reaction to you inviting him to do something should not be anger! And it seems like he feels all HOW DARE YOU when you suggest he do something with you.

If you feel ignored and taken for granted, tell him that. Tell him you want to spend more quality time with him and come up with some specific suggestions of dates and times and places to go, and ask him to come up with some as well. Be nice, don't accuse, avoid letting it turn into a fight. Don't respond to any attempts of his to turn it into a fight.

And if he reacts like a douche, gets angry, or starts going "ok well but YOUUUU do this/that and it's wrong and it's YOURRR fault because" then you have to reassess your life because his selfishness has gone overboard and he no longer sees you as someone who is allowed to make demands in the relationship. That will only get worse and worse!

 

[gildedangel]

All of the advice given above is great! After life gets less busy after the holiday season, why don't you two both take a day off of work and have a mini-vacation? Go out and do something fun together away from the house and the stress of life. It may be just what you need, good luck!

 

[Simply Elegant]

I'd ask him why he feels so against doing something with you outside your home. It could be he doesnt like your friends, or is nervous they don't like him, doesn't like the activity etc. I'd go from there.