Tell me I´m not the only one who does this.!!!
- Thread starter KAIA
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prinzessin784
Well-known member
to be honest, I think you're over reacting. If he wrote that when you weren't even together it shouldn't be an issue. And "shaker" isn't exactly something like "sex slave" or something lol. It seems really innocent to me.
NutMeg
Well-known member
I think you're overreacting too. She's a belly dancer, I would assume shaker refers to that way before I'd start jumping to conclusions about how she is in bed. Bottom line, don't ask your SO questions that you aren't prepared to hear the answer too, and don't go looking for things you aren't prepared to find. And to be honest, I don't think a SO's exes are any of the new girlfriend's business. Some may disagree with me, but I don't think that just because he's dating you now you get to know everything about his love life in the past.
Sorry if that comes off as harsh, it wasn't intended to be.
Sorry if that comes off as harsh, it wasn't intended to be.
Beauty Mark
Well-known member
I'm a belly dancer, and oddly enough, those skills do not always translate over well. Think about it. You may be able to apply makeup to your face but how hard is it to apply makeup on someone else's?
Belly dancers can shimmy (or in your boyfriend's terms, shake) lots of parts of their bodies... Perhaps he wrote stuff like that to her online to be nice? He's probably not the first boy to say something like that to a belly dancer; I've had enough strangers say stuff like that (some men like seeing a women's hips or chest shake). This might've been said before they had done it, since so many males are under the impression that belly dancer=hot and that'll translate to good mattress skills.
Besides, everyone has their definition of what's "bad" when it comes to sex. Some like it rough, some like it gentle, etc. She and he may have had different tastes, so her idea of "good" was his idea of "bad."
I wouldn't press the issue too much. I also don't open up the can of exes unless I really want to know. It's dangerous territory. I know it's common to google (I'm not going to pretend I haven't done it before), but I do try to avoid it.
Belly dancers can shimmy (or in your boyfriend's terms, shake) lots of parts of their bodies... Perhaps he wrote stuff like that to her online to be nice? He's probably not the first boy to say something like that to a belly dancer; I've had enough strangers say stuff like that (some men like seeing a women's hips or chest shake). This might've been said before they had done it, since so many males are under the impression that belly dancer=hot and that'll translate to good mattress skills.
Besides, everyone has their definition of what's "bad" when it comes to sex. Some like it rough, some like it gentle, etc. She and he may have had different tastes, so her idea of "good" was his idea of "bad."
I wouldn't press the issue too much. I also don't open up the can of exes unless I really want to know. It's dangerous territory. I know it's common to google (I'm not going to pretend I haven't done it before), but I do try to avoid it.
Obreathemykiss
Well-known member
I wouldn't worry about it or be upset...
However, as I am a drama queen, I would be pretty pissed too even though in reality nothing's wrong with that comment, especially as you weren't in the picture. I have searched endlessly for my boyfriend's ex on the internet. She managed to text her way into our lives like the first year we started dating...and then again the second year, but now she's gone forever. She loves to cry to him. I can't find her anywhere, though. I hate to admit to this because it puts me at stalker status...but damnit! I wanna know about her-at least more than he tells me about her!
However, as I am a drama queen, I would be pretty pissed too even though in reality nothing's wrong with that comment, especially as you weren't in the picture. I have searched endlessly for my boyfriend's ex on the internet. She managed to text her way into our lives like the first year we started dating...and then again the second year, but now she's gone forever. She loves to cry to him. I can't find her anywhere, though. I hate to admit to this because it puts me at stalker status...but damnit! I wanna know about her-at least more than he tells me about her!
CantAffordMAC
Well-known member
I agree that you are overreacting. He probably called her shaker because thats what bellydancers do....I don't think it was in reference to the sex they had.
If you are going to ask questions about his exes/past, you gotta be mature enough to handle what he tells you. I'm not tryin to sound harsh, but this kind of thing can really turn a relationship sour.
For almost 2 years I brought up my boyfriends exes. Not even ex-girlfriends, they were all hoes he had sex with. We were 100% honest from the jump, I told him the number of people I slept with/oral/I told him everything. He told me everything. It made me mad: not at the time that he told me, but just randomly. I always felt insecure like, hmmm I wonder if she was prettier than me, or if she was better in bed?
Thinking about your boyfriend with other females is such a bad feeling....I just absolutely hated the thought. And me, being an immature person, decided to pick fights with him about it, and get mad and go on for days about it. Seriously, we had really really REALLY bad fights in our relationship. And why? Over some stupid girl that let him hit it while she was drunk? Well its none of my concern because we hadn't even met yet.
I'm just saying....its better to be mature and just let it go. Concentrate on having a healthy, fun, happy, positive, beautiful relationship with him. That girl isn't with him. Let her go bellydance her way to some other guy...because he wants to be with you. Don't pick fights with him...you will back him up against a wall, and confuse the hell out of him. I know it hurts, but theres nothing you can do about his past, and he can't change yours either.
...I wasted soooo much precious time of our lives and relationship, by arguing about silly nonsense like this. That time could've been spent..making love with him. Or kissing. Or talking, or laughing. But instead I chose to fight and scream and cry and hurt over females...who weren't worried about him.
You can't get time back, so spend it wisely.
Good luck!
If you are going to ask questions about his exes/past, you gotta be mature enough to handle what he tells you. I'm not tryin to sound harsh, but this kind of thing can really turn a relationship sour.
For almost 2 years I brought up my boyfriends exes. Not even ex-girlfriends, they were all hoes he had sex with. We were 100% honest from the jump, I told him the number of people I slept with/oral/I told him everything. He told me everything. It made me mad: not at the time that he told me, but just randomly. I always felt insecure like, hmmm I wonder if she was prettier than me, or if she was better in bed?
Thinking about your boyfriend with other females is such a bad feeling....I just absolutely hated the thought. And me, being an immature person, decided to pick fights with him about it, and get mad and go on for days about it. Seriously, we had really really REALLY bad fights in our relationship. And why? Over some stupid girl that let him hit it while she was drunk? Well its none of my concern because we hadn't even met yet.
I'm just saying....its better to be mature and just let it go. Concentrate on having a healthy, fun, happy, positive, beautiful relationship with him. That girl isn't with him. Let her go bellydance her way to some other guy...because he wants to be with you. Don't pick fights with him...you will back him up against a wall, and confuse the hell out of him. I know it hurts, but theres nothing you can do about his past, and he can't change yours either.
...I wasted soooo much precious time of our lives and relationship, by arguing about silly nonsense like this. That time could've been spent..making love with him. Or kissing. Or talking, or laughing. But instead I chose to fight and scream and cry and hurt over females...who weren't worried about him.
Good luck!
KAIA
Well-known member
Quote:
That´s exactly how i´m feeling.. anyhow, you guys are right .
Thanks so much for the input, you made me realize a LOT with ur comments.
Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC
We were 100% honest from the jump, I told him the number of people I slept with/oral/I told him everything. He told me everything. It made me mad: not at the time that he told me, but just randomly. I always felt insecure like, hmmm I wonder if she was prettier than me, or if she was better in bed? Thinking about your boyfriend with other females is such a bad feeling....I just absolutely hated the thought. |
That´s exactly how i´m feeling.. anyhow, you guys are right .
Thanks so much for the input, you made me realize a LOT with ur comments.
SingFrAbsoltion
Well-known member
When I just started dating my current boyfriend I read all the old comments his ex left him. But the bitch was a psycho and it showed.
"I see that you're mad at me and you took off all the pictures of me..so don't be surprised when I jump in front of the train tomorrow"
..yea.
"I see that you're mad at me and you took off all the pictures of me..so don't be surprised when I jump in front of the train tomorrow"
..yea.
kaliraksha
Well-known member
Well then I need to join the support group too. I'm a regular Nancy Drew when it comes to searching for people online. It scares me the things I can find. I always feel like it's my fault for searching... usually it was harmless flirting and I just blow it out of proportion. Worst off, I always ask him about it and well he's a guy who has always believed never tell them they look fat or speak well of an ex.
Regardless, yes, you did it to yourself for looking up her Myspace... the only thing that matters now is how you handle it... let it go =)
I think he did the right thing by saying she wasn't good in bed... I mean would you really want to hear "yeah she was great"? And Beauty Marked is right... I take belly dancing and besides maybe a pre-sex seductive dance a lot of that doesn't translate into the sack.
Regardless, yes, you did it to yourself for looking up her Myspace... the only thing that matters now is how you handle it... let it go =)
I think he did the right thing by saying she wasn't good in bed... I mean would you really want to hear "yeah she was great"? And Beauty Marked is right... I take belly dancing and besides maybe a pre-sex seductive dance a lot of that doesn't translate into the sack.
AmberLilith
Well-known member
I do think it's normal for you to want to know.
I also think you have nothing to worry about with your boy -he's been with you longer than with her and the comment was before you get together and probably just about her dancing.
Anyway, did it occur to you that maybe he thought she was ok in bed at the time, then met you and you're so much better for him that he wonders why he appreciated her so much? I'm of the opinion that it's better with someone you love n care about (though i don't have much experience to go on so ignore me if you want).
I was intrigued about my bf's ex too, it worried me at first that they'd been together 2 n half years and my longest relationship was 2 months... I was chuffed to bits when we hit the 2 n a hlaf year mark cos it meant a lot that he'd been with me longer than with her. I don't know why, it seems a bit silly now (we've been together nearly 7 years) but I wanted to know for myself that I was more important/significant/long term than she was. Even though he'd split up with her after rather a rough patch and said she was manipulative, controlling n abusive -it still mattered to me that he'd been with me for longer...
And as for looking her up on myspace etc, I don't know her surname or any of her friends so i wouldn't know how to find her and by now, I don't care any more. She's ancient history, they first got together 10 years ago.
I also think you have nothing to worry about with your boy -he's been with you longer than with her and the comment was before you get together and probably just about her dancing.
Anyway, did it occur to you that maybe he thought she was ok in bed at the time, then met you and you're so much better for him that he wonders why he appreciated her so much? I'm of the opinion that it's better with someone you love n care about (though i don't have much experience to go on so ignore me if you want).
I was intrigued about my bf's ex too, it worried me at first that they'd been together 2 n half years and my longest relationship was 2 months... I was chuffed to bits when we hit the 2 n a hlaf year mark cos it meant a lot that he'd been with me longer than with her. I don't know why, it seems a bit silly now (we've been together nearly 7 years) but I wanted to know for myself that I was more important/significant/long term than she was. Even though he'd split up with her after rather a rough patch and said she was manipulative, controlling n abusive -it still mattered to me that he'd been with me for longer...
And as for looking her up on myspace etc, I don't know her surname or any of her friends so i wouldn't know how to find her and by now, I don't care any more. She's ancient history, they first got together 10 years ago.
AmberLilith
Well-known member
Quote:
For me, it bothered me a bit at first -we told each other everything too and I didn't have much to tell. But it helped that everyone i met who knew her thought she wasn't so pretty and i knew that at the time i was thinner, so that reassured me a bit!
Quote:
Exactly. Past is past -concentrate on the future you have together!! She doesn't have to be a part of it.
| Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC
We were 100% honest from the jump, I told him the number of people I slept with/oral/I told him everything. He told me everything. It made me mad: not at the time that he told me, but just randomly. I always felt insecure like, hmmm I wonder if she was prettier than me, or if she was better in bed? Thinking about your boyfriend with other females is such a bad feeling....I just absolutely hated the thought. |
For me, it bothered me a bit at first -we told each other everything too and I didn't have much to tell. But it helped that everyone i met who knew her thought she wasn't so pretty and i knew that at the time i was thinner, so that reassured me a bit!
Quote:
| Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC
Concentrate on having a healthy, fun, happy, positive, beautiful relationship with him. That girl isn't with him. Let her go bellydance her way to some other guy...because he wants to be with you. Don't pick fights with him...you will back him up against a wall, and confuse the hell out of him. I know it hurts, but theres nothing you can do about his past, and he can't change yours either. |
Exactly. Past is past -concentrate on the future you have together!! She doesn't have to be a part of it.
user79
Well-known member
Quote:
Completely agree. Don't ask intimate questions if you might be made insecure by the answers. I think it's best not to delve too deeply into a current lover's past lovelife. I think you should just put it behind you and forget about the whole bellydancer thing.
| Originally Posted by NutMeg
I think you're overreacting too. She's a belly dancer, I would assume shaker refers to that way before I'd start jumping to conclusions about how she is in bed. Bottom line, don't ask your SO questions that you aren't prepared to hear the answer too, and don't go looking for things you aren't prepared to find. And to be honest, I don't think a SO's exes are any of the new girlfriend's business. Some may disagree with me, but I don't think that just because he's dating you now you get to know everything about his love life in the past. Sorry if that comes off as harsh, it wasn't intended to be.
|
Completely agree. Don't ask intimate questions if you might be made insecure by the answers. I think it's best not to delve too deeply into a current lover's past lovelife. I think you should just put it behind you and forget about the whole bellydancer thing.
MahalMac
Active member
I agree with the fact that it was in the past and you just have to ignore it..
but...
i am one of the types of girls that can't ignore my hubbys past either..
Just the other day i asked him about his sex life before me.. and although it was before me.. it hurt me still.. just knowing that all of the special moments i share with him, he's shared with someone else.. it hurts..
and i do sometimes look at his ex's web pages because he's gone out with some crazy girls .. they use to call him and shyt so i have to keep an eye out because although i trust my hubby, i don't trust his ex skanks...
i always ask him questions about his past.. and when he tells me i feel like i want to cry.. and I ask because I feel like its something important that I want to know... like where am i in the list of girls hes slept with.. or how many girls has he loved before me.. sounds stupid but i am sure some girls understand more than others.
but...
i am one of the types of girls that can't ignore my hubbys past either..
Just the other day i asked him about his sex life before me.. and although it was before me.. it hurt me still.. just knowing that all of the special moments i share with him, he's shared with someone else.. it hurts..
and i do sometimes look at his ex's web pages because he's gone out with some crazy girls .. they use to call him and shyt so i have to keep an eye out because although i trust my hubby, i don't trust his ex skanks...
i always ask him questions about his past.. and when he tells me i feel like i want to cry.. and I ask because I feel like its something important that I want to know... like where am i in the list of girls hes slept with.. or how many girls has he loved before me.. sounds stupid but i am sure some girls understand more than others.
Simply Elegant
Well-known member
Since you or him can't change anything, it's best not to worry about it, especially if she's not even in his life anymore. Just consider this other girl practice for him to learn how to treat his girlfriends well.
S.S.BlackOrchid
Well-known member
I know that if I talk about an ex, and omit parts about how he was in bed, etc,etc, it's not because I am trying to lie, it's because I have closed that door and really don't care about that anymore and don't want to go there.
He's not with her anymore. The comment was made before he got together with you. Won't delve into his past. He's with you now.
He's not with her anymore. The comment was made before he got together with you. Won't delve into his past. He's with you now.
