ArsenicKiss
Well-known member
So, I suppose we'll play the game where I give all sorts of backstory first.
I have a history of disasterously bad relationships. The one I was in before the guy that I've been seeing now? Well, he literally threw my furniture around my apartment on more than one occassion. (He turned out to be all kinds of unstable and killed himself blaming my breaking up with him for it, but that's not the issue here)
So, anyhow. The guy I'm currently with, we've been together for two years in March. We've known one another for several years on top of that after having met on the internet. We didn't always get along, but we reconnected while my grandfather was very ill. Shortly after my grandfather passed away, this guy convinced me to actually consider seeing him socially. So we started seeing each other and things were considerably better than I was used to.
He was not abusive, he was relatively caring, he was sweet when he wanted to be. However, he also moved in. He hasn't had a job since then. He has only just gone back to school. (Now, given he's only 24 and 24 is not that old to be going back to school) My family, with the exception of my grandmother, does not like him. He simply isn't their cup of tea, and for as long as he was mine, that was rather ok with them, even if it did strain things a little. I'm sorry that I'm just sort of wall of text ranting, but I swear I'm going to get the point here somewhere.
In the period between when we started to talk to one another and when we started dating, I explored some of my personal interests. I was still trying to get my life back on track after the death of my grandfather, and adjusting to being a full time, art history major, college student, as opposed to a film student. I went to a comic convention and met a guy who I'm friends with now, who just happened to go to the same college as myself. I also met an artist that I've since become really good friends with.
My boyfriend does not trust me to be around either of them and gets intensely suspicious whenever I'm going to see either of them. He accuses me of getting very drunk when I'm out with them and behaving baddly. Now, granted, I did slip once a few months back when he and I were going through a rough period and I considered doing something underhanded thanks to a few too many beers, but it had nothing to do with those friends. (And, actually, in fact it amounted to nothing at all because I realized how very in the wrong I was and came to my senses.)
I had hoped that things were going to get better after that point, but they haven't. It's been a few months of feeling like I am trying to go in a completely different direction from a man that I genuinely DO love. (Because, this does not all amount to some question of my feelings about him. It really comes down to whether or not love is enough. Our lack of general compatibility tells me otherwise.) But, on to what has really made me realize my problems.
When I was last staying with my family for an extended period of time during my summer vacation from college, a friend of mine went to some really silly lengths to get in touch with me. He rode his bike over to my parents' house just to see me (I happened not to be home at the time), and wound up getting my phone number from my mother's husband. We started texting back and forth and wound up going out to see Stardust together. Nothing untoward happened. This guy and I have a lot in common. We can have intelligent conversations and can relate on a level that I just don't feel with the guy I'm with right now. It took me a while to see this, or at least to realize what it meant.
I am being forced to sneak around behind my boyfriend's back to simply be friends with this guy, who I have admittedly developed feelings for. I don't like the way that this feels. Furthermore, it has brought to my attention the reasons that my boyfriend and I can not continue to make this work. I talk to him and find myself searching for the connection that just isn't there. I'm not even sure anymore that the connection was ever there. It hurts me to know that I am going to hurt him when I do this. It kills a small part of me to consider that he won't be a part of my life anymore if I end things. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to personally suffer anymore by being in a relationship that leaves me wanting something else.
I can't figure out the right way, or the right time to end things. I'm about to go away for three weeks to stay with my family. When I come back, it's seventeen days to his birthday, and then eighteen after that is Valentine's Day. I don't want to allow this to drag on that long. It isn't fair to either one of us. Can anyone offer any advice on what I should do from here?
I have a history of disasterously bad relationships. The one I was in before the guy that I've been seeing now? Well, he literally threw my furniture around my apartment on more than one occassion. (He turned out to be all kinds of unstable and killed himself blaming my breaking up with him for it, but that's not the issue here)
So, anyhow. The guy I'm currently with, we've been together for two years in March. We've known one another for several years on top of that after having met on the internet. We didn't always get along, but we reconnected while my grandfather was very ill. Shortly after my grandfather passed away, this guy convinced me to actually consider seeing him socially. So we started seeing each other and things were considerably better than I was used to.
He was not abusive, he was relatively caring, he was sweet when he wanted to be. However, he also moved in. He hasn't had a job since then. He has only just gone back to school. (Now, given he's only 24 and 24 is not that old to be going back to school) My family, with the exception of my grandmother, does not like him. He simply isn't their cup of tea, and for as long as he was mine, that was rather ok with them, even if it did strain things a little. I'm sorry that I'm just sort of wall of text ranting, but I swear I'm going to get the point here somewhere.
In the period between when we started to talk to one another and when we started dating, I explored some of my personal interests. I was still trying to get my life back on track after the death of my grandfather, and adjusting to being a full time, art history major, college student, as opposed to a film student. I went to a comic convention and met a guy who I'm friends with now, who just happened to go to the same college as myself. I also met an artist that I've since become really good friends with.
My boyfriend does not trust me to be around either of them and gets intensely suspicious whenever I'm going to see either of them. He accuses me of getting very drunk when I'm out with them and behaving baddly. Now, granted, I did slip once a few months back when he and I were going through a rough period and I considered doing something underhanded thanks to a few too many beers, but it had nothing to do with those friends. (And, actually, in fact it amounted to nothing at all because I realized how very in the wrong I was and came to my senses.)
I had hoped that things were going to get better after that point, but they haven't. It's been a few months of feeling like I am trying to go in a completely different direction from a man that I genuinely DO love. (Because, this does not all amount to some question of my feelings about him. It really comes down to whether or not love is enough. Our lack of general compatibility tells me otherwise.) But, on to what has really made me realize my problems.
When I was last staying with my family for an extended period of time during my summer vacation from college, a friend of mine went to some really silly lengths to get in touch with me. He rode his bike over to my parents' house just to see me (I happened not to be home at the time), and wound up getting my phone number from my mother's husband. We started texting back and forth and wound up going out to see Stardust together. Nothing untoward happened. This guy and I have a lot in common. We can have intelligent conversations and can relate on a level that I just don't feel with the guy I'm with right now. It took me a while to see this, or at least to realize what it meant.
I am being forced to sneak around behind my boyfriend's back to simply be friends with this guy, who I have admittedly developed feelings for. I don't like the way that this feels. Furthermore, it has brought to my attention the reasons that my boyfriend and I can not continue to make this work. I talk to him and find myself searching for the connection that just isn't there. I'm not even sure anymore that the connection was ever there. It hurts me to know that I am going to hurt him when I do this. It kills a small part of me to consider that he won't be a part of my life anymore if I end things. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to personally suffer anymore by being in a relationship that leaves me wanting something else.
I can't figure out the right way, or the right time to end things. I'm about to go away for three weeks to stay with my family. When I come back, it's seventeen days to his birthday, and then eighteen after that is Valentine's Day. I don't want to allow this to drag on that long. It isn't fair to either one of us. Can anyone offer any advice on what I should do from here?
