this is long...

[mindlessgapgirl]

...but i need to get it off my chest and get some opinions so that i can make sure i am making the right decision.

my mom and dad got divorced when i was 4 (im 24), and both remarried...they remained friends and attended each others weddings, my mom supported my dad through his second wife's terminal cancer, my dad supported my sister and i and my mom when my mom's second husband went crazy and started stalking us after they split up...he helped us move, she babysit his daughter, etc...they were friendly and made it really easy for my sister and i to have a somewhat normal family (i suppose).

i should mention that my stepsister was actually adopted - my stepmom was really her great aunt, and she was given up (along with her 4 other siblings) because her parents were alcoholics and drug addicts.

two years ago, my dad met a new woman who is 10 years older than he is, doesn't work, etc. she promptly moved into his house, and then convinced him to sell it within 3 months of their "relationship". She makes innappropriate and rude comments in front of family about my sister and I, and things escalated to the point last Christmas where she disinvited us for the day, since we said we would only come for breakfast, before going to my Grandparents house (a yearly tradition) for Christmas dinner. She actually screamed at us never to call the house again, called us ungrateful brats, etc...use your imagination, she said it. She also called my mom names, and said there is no reason why my dad needs to even speak to my mom, let alone get along with her, and he agreed!!! So we didn't go, and haven't been to their house in over a year. Anyways...THEN we find out through someone who knows them, that my dad actually SENT my stepsister back to her "real" parents....im not kidding. He decided that she would be better off, at 16 years old, living back with them...2 hours away. Who does that sort of thing? She already lost her mother, now her father is sick of her too???? It's disgusting and Im embarrassed to be related to him.

So the issue here...is that they are getting married in a month and have invited my sister and i (we don't want to go)...I need some thoughts on this. My feeling is that if he cant respect my mother (who both my sister and i are very close to), we can't respect him...and i can't support a wedding to someone who has caused this huge change in him...but Shawna (my sister) and I look like the bad ones for not going...any thoughts on the subject? How would you deal with this? Talking to him doesn't help, he says that its none of our business how he feels towards my mom and that what happened last year is in the past and we need to get over it

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Wow. This is tough. i can see where you're coming from, because you don't want to look like horrible people for not going to your own father's wedding. Honestly, if it were me in the situation, I wouldn't go. Your father's new gf has shown you guys no respect. She has changed your father and now he isn't the same person you knew before. Its always tough when parents meet someone new, because they always end up changing.Maybe its because your dad was grieving and it just lost right now?

The only thing I can say is to talk to him. And you said that you weren't able to. Maybe by not going to the wedding, it will send him a strong enough message. Maybe thats what he needs (and to be away from you for awhile) to realize what his fiance is doing to his relationship with his children. She is bad news. Good luck with everything

 

[SparklingWaves]

If my heart was strongly against it, I wouldn't go.

 

[XShear]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves If my heart was strongly against it, I wouldn't go.

Agreed. I have a evil step dad, whom I feel the same way about. Hopefully your father will see what a horrible person this woman is. Best of luck!

 

[NutMeg]

Much as it breaks your heart, if you can't support his decision to marry this woman then I don't think you should go. I think perhaps you should find a way to communicate to him that while you still love him you do not approve of the woman he is marrying and feel like your relationship has changed for the worse. Let him know that while you know he doesn't want to talk about it you feel that there are some very important issues to be discussed and that your relationship will continue to suffer until you do. Also let him know that you are willing to talk about it whenever he would like. This could end up in a confrontation that will almost inevitably result in him seeing you as not being very mature if you try and do it in person (let's face it, parents always know how to push our buttons, don't they?), so you might want to write it down in a letter and give it to him well before the wedding. Don't let it happen at the same time as the wedding, or you come off badly for trying to "ruin" his wedding. I hope this can end as well as possible. Good luck.

 

[urbanlilyfairy]

I think if I was in your situation I would not go. I would try and talk to your dad and explain your reasons why you cannot go watch him get married to someone whom you truley cannot support him marrying. Let him know ..You love him and always will but until he comes to his senses or this woman does a complete personality makeover you will have to distance yourself. I mean you don't have to cut him off ..just if this woman is a toxic as she sounds ..you just cannot have all that drama, anger, frustration and toxic people in your life ..srsly. ..

good luck ..and one thing I have learned in life ..is not to worry about other peoples perceptions about you ...especially those distnat relatives you only see every once in a blue moon and weddings and funerals ..the only perception of you that will matter in the end is your own ..is how happy you are with your actions and decisions in life.

 

[saspearia]

hmmmm, I think that if you don't go to the wedding then you have really broken off all ties with your dad and he is stuck with her. She sounds truely horrible so it probably wont last between them. My dad married someone I dissaproved off but I still went to the wedding and gave him support and he certainly knew what my brother and I thought of her! It made it a lot easier for him to split up an divorce her.
Your stepmum-to-be may be wrecking the family but don't let her get in the way of you and your father, even if he is in the wrong too - he might not have realised that yet.