Tolerance For Exes?

[_tiffany]

So...how much of a tolerance should I have for my boyfriend's "exes" (and by "ex", I mean more of ex-flings than ex-actual-girlfriends) being around?

A little back-story, if necessary:
I've known him for six years, we've been off and on for most of the time but I'd say we've been good for a year or two now and live together. He cheated on me six years ago, I'd say about three weeks after he "asked me out" - he was 18 and I was 20. He's apologized for it and says that he's grown since then. I think I've gotten better at forgiving him for that and believing that he wouldn't do it again. I know that during our off and on period he would talk to other girls when we weren't seeing each other and these girls are girls that he shares mutual friends with so a lot of them are still around. I mainly see the girls if we go to parties.

I never really got along well with any of the girls he knows because I don't have anything in common with them, so I was never friends with any of them but I always tried to be polite. Recently, he asked if one of his friends could come over but the friend was with his girlfriend and another girl, who we'll call Sally and who I know my boyfriend has had sex with. My boyfriend asked if I wanted Sally at my house and I said no. It makes me mad that he even asked me because he knows I don't want to see Sally or any of the other girls and I really don't want them in my house. I told him that and he said that I just need to let it go like other people do and that I shouldn't hold grudges because they're pointless. I tried to explain that I feel like it's disrespectful to me but he just kept saying "let it go". I thought about it and I don't think I hold grudges against the girls, it's more against him and the girls are just reminders of what he did in the past. Which brings me back to my original question: how much of a tolerance should I have for exes being around? I really can't stand it, I hate seeing the girls and if they're around I most likely will have a bad time. I don't know if I'm overreacting and need to calm it down or if the way I feel is acceptable. Ugh.

 

[BeckyBenett]

hmm.. if it were me, i wouldnt tolerate it. bt tts just me.. my bf and i have a policy such that if one of us does not feel comfortable with an idea, we let the other person know abt it and the partner should understand. i think in this way we have avoided some arguments..

perhaps you can ask ur bf to mt his friend another time (preferably when the girl is not ard). i mean, it cant be so impt tt he meets his friend on tt particular day right? esp if you are nt comfortable with it..

 

[Babylard]

I have no tolerance either. In fact, my boyfriend probably would not even consider asking, as the house would turn into a crime scene LOL. I welcome most of his good friends as they are respectful of me, but I would never welcome someone he cheated on me with nor any one night standers/ex-friends with benefits or whatever they are. I would not want any of his ex-gfs in my life either. I am just bitter that way. If it is our own house, we have the right to choose who is welcome to enter. Maybe tell him that "I am not comfortable with this person in my own home." He should respect that since it is your home afterall. I know for me, I would not be comfortable with it. It is so weird and awkward having other people around that have had sex with your bf

 

[ShesAFoxyLady]

It would be a total no go for me. It is just not 'right' to have other people in your company who your other half has had sex with. I do think it is disrespectful that he asked, and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

 

[iadoremac]

Ofcourse you shouldnt tolerate that. What the hell. Maybe you should bring one of your ex boyfriends over and see how he would like it

 

[mtrimier]

Yeah, no. I wouldn't tolerate that either. Especially after you told him you didn't want her in your house. Even if you remove "Sally" from the equation, he's still not respecting your home and your desire to have control over who you do and do not let in it. (if that makes sense. doesn't look right typed out, but i've been up for a while.)

 

[LMD84]

i'd be in the no tollerance part too - no way would i be comfortable with somebody staying in my home that my guy had slept with in the past. fair enough if they see each other while out in town or whatever - but no invites to the home!

 

[ElvenEyes]

I'm another no tolerance girl in this category. When I dated guys we only saw each other, no one else. When I found out one guy I dated was cheating and with my best friend he was shocked when I called him up, broke up with him and told them they should have told me the truth because I really didn't like him that much anyhow....which was true! lol They had my blessing and stopped dating about 2 weeks later. Your boyfriend sounds like he wants all play and no commitments. Careful. He has a lot of growing up to do.

 

[_tiffany]

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in feeling this way. Now he's trying to compromise saying that it's fine if I don't want the girls coming over to the house but that if he wants to hang out at his guy friend's house (the one with the girlfriend who is friends with all the other girls) that I shouldn't get mad if the girls happen to be there when he is. I'm not going to be ok with that either...I feel like he's choosing his friends over me by basically saying "Ok, you can be uncomfortable that I'm at my friends house when these girls are around but I don't care because I want to hang out with my friends" but at the same time, I don't want to be like "You can't hang out with your friends because those girls might be there." I'm feeling that this is breakup worthy.

 

[Shanti]

If he still has growing up to do... which I'd assume he does, I'd think it is breakup worthy. Like, why is he so persistent? Is it more than just trying to demonstrate his dominance? It's like he doesn't care that this is ruining your trust in him.

Anyway, I get freaked out as well with the thought of my bf hanging around girls he slept with. Unless I'm there with him, I say NO.

 

[User38]

Ofcourse you shouldnt tolerate that. What the hell. Maybe you should bring one of your ex boyfriends over and see how he would like it

 

[Meisje]

He seems insistent on forcing you into situations where you will feel unbalanced and unsure of yourself. He's determined to either make you hang out with these girls or hang out with them when you're not there --- he's seeking validation from you. He wants you to feel threatened and jealous, and he's seeing how far he can push his inappropriate behaviour. This is a manipulation tactic.

 

[_tiffany]

His main argument is that he feels like I should trust him by now and that he should be able to hang out with his guy friends if he wants to. I can understand that he might think I'm trying to control who he's around and I get why he wouldn't want that and I'm not trying to do that but if he's hanging out with his guy friends and certain girls are around, I reserve and exercise the right to be pissed off about it. He said he asked me because he thought I'd be over my dislike for the girl, which I never would be because even without the sex history she's really not someone I'd be friends with.

I just don't know how to talk to him about it to make him see it from my perspective, I think he kind of gets it but is so convinced that he would never do anything with any of the girls that he expects me to feel that way too. I'm more realistic and see that even if he has no intentions of getting with any of the girls, it just takes the smallest bit of a slip up for something to happen. When I was arguing with him about it, he mostly got mad that I'm questioning his loyalty. He said that he's changed from back then and that he's changed his lifestyle for me (whatever that means). I told him he can take that lifestyle back if he misses it so much and he said it's too late and he wouldn't. It's hard for me to turn the tables on him because I don't have any ex-boyfriends or ex-flings.

 

[mtrimier]

I would offer to put on a moustache and be a fake BF, but i think my voice would give it away. hee!

It seems like he's trying to make you the heavy in the discussion. I could say you could present the situation in reverse, where it would be you hanging out with a bunch of male friends, but i don't think he'd get it. dunno. right now my reaction is, "Fine. You want to go do whatever you want to do, go do it. We just won't be in a relationship, then."

Hope you find a resolution!

 

[BeckyBenett]

His main argument is that he feels like I should trust him by now and that he should be able to hang out with his guy friends if he wants to. I can understand that he might think I'm trying to control who he's around and I get why he wouldn't want that and I'm not trying to do that but if he's hanging out with his guy friends and certain girls are around, I reserve and exercise the right to be pissed off about it. He said he asked me because he thought I'd be over my dislike for the girl, which I never would be because even without the sex history she's really not someone I'd be friends with.

I just don't know how to talk to him about it to make him see it from my perspective, I think he kind of gets it but is so convinced that he would never do anything with any of the girls that he expects me to feel that way too. I'm more realistic and see that even if he has no intentions of getting with any of the girls, it just takes the smallest bit of a slip up for something to happen. When I was arguing with him about it, he mostly got mad that I'm questioning his loyalty. He said that he's changed from back then and that he's changed his lifestyle for me (whatever that means). I told him he can take that lifestyle back if he misses it so much and he said it's too late and he wouldn't. It's hard for me to turn the tables on him because I don't have any ex-boyfriends or ex-flings.

hmm.. i guess the only way is to ask him to try and see things from your perspective. Cant you ask him how he would feel if you hung out with people whom you have slept with? If he insists that he will be fine with it, then there is not much else you can do.. He should respect you enough to know that you are not trying to control him, but instead just explaining your discomfort. I don't like the fact that he gets mad and starts questioning you when you just want to try and get him to understand your point of view. If he can't, then maybe he is not the one for you. Or maybe, he has to grow up and realise that you are not accusing him of anything..