W.t.f.

[JULIA]

On Wednesday my boyfriend asked me to spend the night knowing I had a class the next day that started at 10:30 AM. I agreed but soon regretted that decision Thursday morning after I suffered through him snoring and hogging the bed all night. I was tired, I didn't feel well and I was in a bad mood. I decided I wasn't going to attend my morning class and that I'd catch a few more hours of sleep in the hopes of being awake during my other two classes that day.

When he heard this, he flipped out and bluntly said I wasn't allowed over during the weekdays and then he continued to get ready in another room. He works night shifts on weekends and I work day shifts which makes it impossible for us to get together. I asked him when he expected us to see each other, he didn't respond so then I asked if he was ignoring me and again he didn't respond. He left for the day and that was that.

For the last 2 hours we've been arguing through emails. At one point he mistook something I said and assumed I was breaking up with him. He made no attempt to save the relationship and was like, "if that's what you want then sure." He said a lot of hurtful things and can't decided who's to blame for his sour mood.

I guess we've made up, I don't really know, but he's still refusing to let me come over during the week and he said he doesn't really know when we'll see each other but I can't ever visit if I have school or work the next day (which would be every day of the week). I told him if he has an issue with my work ethic that he should go about it in a more constructive way because as it stands, he's punishing me. I shouldn't have to wonder when I am going to see my boyfriend again. He doesn't see things my way so he's back to shutting me out and refusing to understand where I'm coming from.

I wonder if he wants to break up with me but can't bring himself to do it? He shows no genuine concern, at least in my eyes, regarding not being able to spend time with me.

Ugh. Last week was my birthday and he spoiled me, he went all out and threw me a party and now this week this is how he acts? Being 20 sucks! Not one day has been great for me. I'm sorry this is so long but I have no girlfriends I can talk this over with.

Thoughts?

 

[buddleia]

That was really shitty behaviour on his part. Maybe he's not the right guy for you: he's a snorer, flips out when you bring up an issue, and you guys have different work/sleep schedules. Maybe just let this guy go. I think for your next relationship, part of what you could look for is someone whom you could actually see on the weekends, and someone who could actually work conflicts out with you. Bonus if he doesn't snore.

Also: you don't have to wait around for what he will do (i.e. if he will break up with you). You can also make a move too: you can either say, "Look, I want to stay with you and work this out" or: "I don't think this is working and we should go our separate ways."

It sucks to be in a relationship where you feel you aren't heard, so don't waste time and energy with someone who can't respect that you have a voice, an opinion, concerns, needs.

 

[LMD84]

honestly it sounds like there is some other issue that is perhaps bothering hime and that is why he had a bitch fit over the class issue - which really is not his concern anyways! it's your choice if you go to classes - not his. and seeing as you were doing it so that you could be more alert in other classes i can't see why he had such an issue.

i think maybe you should have a good talk about what you bhoth want out of the relationship because the way he acted was very strange and like he isn't bothered about having any evening with you. good luck sweetie

 

[thezander]

Going by what you've said here, I suspect he is trying to get you to break up with him by acting this way. I think people do this a lot. I would find a way to break it off if possible. Like buddleia said, this may be one to let go of if it's not a good fit. My bf snores, but he has never ever acted so shittily towards me, otherwise we wouldn't be here 7 years later.

Good luck sorting things out, regardless!

 

[iadoremac]

i don't think you should break up with him, just give him his space, dont call or email and when he does just act cool...............he'll come around

 

[Meisje]

I agree with the person who said he may be trying to get you to break up with him.

If not, he certainly has issues with being passive-aggressive and controlling.

 

[kaliraksha]

I think you're being too nice! I wouldn't let my boyfriend play daddy. You're an adult. It's not like he talked to you about it or expressed concern... he simply imposed new rules for both of you.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 8 years and he has a tendency to like to educate and correct people because he honestly feel likes like he is helping them. But, if I let him do it with me as often as it is in his nature it would drive me freaking insane. It is best to set those boundaries early if you still want to be with him. He has to respect you enough to know that you know what is best for you, and more importantly you have every right to make those decisions. Now after 8 years, my boyfriend has earned my "advice" trust, I value his morals and ethics and I seek his counsel or at least pay attention when he gives it.

Given the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't know better and felt like he was helping you. Talk it out. His lack of interest now might just be a way for him to cope with the idea that maybe he's losing you. Some guys go the dark side and become sullen, quite, and disinterested. Maybe you both feel the same way.

 

[MamaLaura]

I think your suspicion of him wanting to break up with you may be true. Or he may just need some space because of some other feelings he's having regarding your relationship, or even something completely unrelated.

I would give him some space, and observe what he does. If he allows it and makes no move to increase his time with you, and show you he cares about you, then I would reconsider the relationship. But after a little bit of time, he may want to pick things back up again and start seeing you more, etc. Just follow his cues and make your decision based on his actions. If he can't tell you what the real problem is, his actions and behavior will tell you if he wants to or is ready to be with you.

 

[martiangurll]

It sounds to me like he is feeling hurt and defensive about his snoring. But he is punishing you for complaining.

He should be acting like its a privilege to have you over! Remember, she who has the Punanny should be calling the shots. I'd put him in a little Punnanny withdrawal and see if that little bitch fit doesn't clear right up.

 

[banana1234]

why is he so bothered that u didnt go to class? is he upset because he might think you are throwing away your education, or is he pissed cos u got to sleep in and he didnt?

if he genuinely cares and its about your education, then that's not as bad, he just went about it totally the wrong way. he needs to understand its your decision whether or not to stay round his house, and your decision whether to go to class or not, he doesnt have to like it, but that's just how it is. its always your decision what you do

if he's getting mad for the sake of it, dump his sorry ass!

i'd cool it for a while and if he's still bitching about it next week, saying you cant come over etc, dump him

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by martiangurll It sounds to me like he is feeling hurt and defensive about his snoring. But he is punishing you for complaining. He should be acting like its a privilege to have you over! Remember, she who has the Punanny should be calling the shots. I'd put him in a little Punnanny withdrawal and see if that little bitch fit doesn't clear right up.

This is horrible advice.



I would hope that women would move past using their pussy as a means of controlling a relationship. Sex isn't a tool to punish or reward another person.

 

[Meisje]

I agree with Shimmer --- a Lysistrata ploy will not help anything. Responding to any sort of disagreement with manipulation will just create a bigger mess.

Also, don't spend hours "arguing through emails." If someone is being pissy with you, email gives them the perfect opportunity to continue to misunderstand what you say --- tone is very difficult to convey over email and this guy sounds like he twists your words around to continue foisting blame on you when he's in a mood over something. Only talk about your issues in person, and keep the discussion on track --- letting personal insults or little tangents about unrelated issues creep in is not a healthy or adult way to discuss a problem.

 

[Junkie]

Honestly he sounds a little manipulative, immature and insecure.

He's picking fights for a reason and you need to call him out on it in person, face-to-face. Some guys are scared of confrontation and prefer to avoid an arguement when you're standing in front of eachother. My ex was the same way and admitted to me that he had never, ever broken up with an ex-girlfriend....he did everything in his power to push them away by being a dick and making THEM break up with him. Sounds like he might be the same way....especially since he didn't put up a fight when he thought you were breaking up with him.

I would wash my hands of it and be like, whatever. He's the one throwing away everything over something so trivial. And baby-ing you by giving you a schedule and rules for when you're "allowed" to visit? Thats ridiculous. Sounds like major mind games....and controlling too.

 

[Shimmer]

Before deciding anything life altering, wait til tempers cool.

 

[DILLIGAF]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Before deciding anything life altering, wait til tempers cool.

BEST ADVICE EVER!!!

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

That's horrible! "If that's what you want, sure." I would not know how to respond to such a "whatever" comment, especially if it's regarding something you're fighting over. XD And you definitely need a more girl support system.

Let him know that "seeing him" like hanging out for a meal or even texting/calling back and forth is not the same as spending the night. It's less time-consuming and more situation appropriate considering you're probably in school and work (right?).