SnowWhiteQueen
Well-known member
Anybody else feel the same way?
Want of marriage making me depressed...
- Thread starter SnowWhiteQueen
- Start date
SparklingWaves
Well-known member
You have been involved with this guy for five years. You need to get a clear cut answer of where he wants this relationship to go in the near future. Then, you can make your plans of your life around that answer.
user79
Well-known member
Well, I can only speak from my personal experience of course. I've been together with my bf for 9 years and we're still not engaged. It's not that we are afraid of settling down together, because we've already pretty much done that. We have lived together for years, we have a joint bank account, we make plans about the future, etc. All the things that marriage usually entails but we're not actually married. Both of us are not huge proponents of marriage, but I could see us getting married one day. At the moment I guess I just don't see the need for it and I don't think it would actually change our relationship, besides having a ceremony to formalize it. But I already feel like I am married, in a way.
However, it seems like marriage is something that is really important to you. Can I ask how old you are? It's ok to wait a bit if you're still young, even if you are living together with your bf. Weddings are expensive as well, maybe he wants to save up some more money as well to afford a nice wedding for you both.
I don't think it's good to pressure your bf into getting married to you if he's not ready, but ultimately you will have to find out why he is hesitant about maybe getting engaged. I would just talk to him about it, explain that this is something you really want, you want to get married to him, not just because all your friends are getting married.
People often as me and my bf when we're getting married, but I don't let it get to me. We will do it on our own time, when we feel ready.
However, it seems like marriage is something that is really important to you. Can I ask how old you are? It's ok to wait a bit if you're still young, even if you are living together with your bf. Weddings are expensive as well, maybe he wants to save up some more money as well to afford a nice wedding for you both.
I don't think it's good to pressure your bf into getting married to you if he's not ready, but ultimately you will have to find out why he is hesitant about maybe getting engaged. I would just talk to him about it, explain that this is something you really want, you want to get married to him, not just because all your friends are getting married.
People often as me and my bf when we're getting married, but I don't let it get to me. We will do it on our own time, when we feel ready.
LMcConnell18
Well-known member
im kinda in a similar situation.
im 20 yrs old, have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years... i still cant see myself with anyone else and i really want to get married!
my family doesnt think its the best thing, and we really cant afford it now anyways since we're both in school full time...
but the fact that we've been together so long, and we get along great... makes me want to get engaged NOW... so that when the time comes for us to get married, we'll have been engaged for a long period of time, and we will have everything else out of the way.
Dont stress over your feelings about yourself... what you want is COMPLETELY normal!
but you should stress about your relationship. If he's not willing to engage after 5 years, I personally would start doubting whether or not he ever wants to with me...
if your best friends are getting married, why dont you try talking to the female...
maybe she has some sort of insight on whether he already has it planned or something.
I wouldnt ask straight up, because im sure she wouldnt want to spoil such a great surprise if there was one...
but if she's not hella negative, and has some positive outlook on the situation... i would assume that all is NOT lost.
im 20 yrs old, have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years... i still cant see myself with anyone else and i really want to get married!
my family doesnt think its the best thing, and we really cant afford it now anyways since we're both in school full time...
but the fact that we've been together so long, and we get along great... makes me want to get engaged NOW... so that when the time comes for us to get married, we'll have been engaged for a long period of time, and we will have everything else out of the way.
Dont stress over your feelings about yourself... what you want is COMPLETELY normal!
but you should stress about your relationship. If he's not willing to engage after 5 years, I personally would start doubting whether or not he ever wants to with me...
if your best friends are getting married, why dont you try talking to the female...
maybe she has some sort of insight on whether he already has it planned or something.
I wouldnt ask straight up, because im sure she wouldnt want to spoil such a great surprise if there was one...
but if she's not hella negative, and has some positive outlook on the situation... i would assume that all is NOT lost.
aeni
Well-known member
I'm in the same boat. School's been in the way though - I'm now in Canada till August while he's back home in Phoenix. We talk about it and we're nowhere close to where we want to be financially as we've both suffered setbacks and want to enter a marriage debt free or as close to debt free as possible (surgery is his, school is mine). 2 friends of mine are engaged but we're not involved with their wedding plans.
Since we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, I've given him an ultimatum. After 5 years of being together (we're in our 3rd), if he hasn't proposed to me then I'm moving on. I told him that our 1st year when I was still in college. Truth is I'd stay longer just so we could have a better start towards our future.
BTW- People will ALWAYS ask you the "when're you getting married/having a baby/going to die" question. Just brush it off.
Since we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, I've given him an ultimatum. After 5 years of being together (we're in our 3rd), if he hasn't proposed to me then I'm moving on. I told him that our 1st year when I was still in college. Truth is I'd stay longer just so we could have a better start towards our future.
BTW- People will ALWAYS ask you the "when're you getting married/having a baby/going to die" question. Just brush it off.
user79
Well-known member
Quote:
Hmmm....is that really something that you feel is a good idea? Dunno, relationships that start out with ultimatums.......you never know what will happen.
Originally Posted by aeni
Since we both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, I've given him an ultimatum. After 5 years of being together (we're in our 3rd), if he hasn't proposed to me then I'm moving on. I told him that our 1st year when I was still in college. Truth is I'd stay longer just so we could have a better start towards our future. |
Hmmm....is that really something that you feel is a good idea? Dunno, relationships that start out with ultimatums.......you never know what will happen.
slowhoney
Well-known member
That is a long time to be with someone, so your feelings of settling down are perfectly natural and understandable. But if there is one thing you need when it comes to marriage or thinking about settling down, it's open communication. I can understand your boyfriend wanting it to be a surprise (I would never want to know when mine was going to propose!), but at the same time, you both have to talk about it to make sure it is what you both want.
Since you are unsure if he is ready or not, you both really need to sit down and discuss it. Tell him you're not asking for a proposal or a set date, but let him know marriage is on your mind and you want to make sure you both want the same things for your future.
A healthy relationship will not have ultimatums. You need to get ready when you are both prepared. Just because he is not ready right this moment does not mean he does not want to marry you. If you really love him, and you know he really loves you, I would retract your ultimatum and discuss the issue as two adults instead. You cannot bully someone into marrying you. In fact, pressuring him is only going to push him away, and that is exactly what you don't want.
Since you are unsure if he is ready or not, you both really need to sit down and discuss it. Tell him you're not asking for a proposal or a set date, but let him know marriage is on your mind and you want to make sure you both want the same things for your future.
A healthy relationship will not have ultimatums. You need to get ready when you are both prepared. Just because he is not ready right this moment does not mean he does not want to marry you. If you really love him, and you know he really loves you, I would retract your ultimatum and discuss the issue as two adults instead. You cannot bully someone into marrying you. In fact, pressuring him is only going to push him away, and that is exactly what you don't want.
lainz
Well-known member
i'm kinda in the same boat to...my bf and i are celebrating 4 years together tomorrow (i know..woo!..?) and he planned a trip for us to carmel, ca for the weekend. SO OF FREAKING COURSE i started thinking about an engagement. doesnt help that when people as me how long we've been together they always say "so where's the ring?" his sister also asked me about ring styles and things of that nature so she can help him when he's ready. we too have been bombarded with weddings (6 in total)..so its been on our minds for more than a year. he's not so reluctant to talk about it anymore, but im still freaked out to bring it up because i dont want to send him running for the hills. i know this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. like MissChievous, he and i are living together and our relationship has blossomed into something more beautiful than i could have imagined. we are each other's support system for everything, and each other's best friends. as much as i want to make it official, i am already part of his family as he is of mine, and i am fine waiting for those rings until we are 100% stable and ready
MxAxC-_ATTACK
Well-known member
Well I guess most of us are on the same boat..(more of a yacht)
Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years, I'm turning 25 in a week. he is going to be 27 this year... Every single one of my friends is married , and two of his friends are married one is engaged. We don't even live together as he has started his own Business which he is trying to get off the ground (IMO He isn't working very hard at that) He told me that If he isn't making any money by the time he is 30 ,Then he will get a regular job and we can move into our own place together... ( I was like.. seriously? your gonna sit on your ass for 4 more years until you decide to do something?) We have been to soooo many weddings recently.. that I'm starting to get a little depressed about it.
Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years, I'm turning 25 in a week. he is going to be 27 this year... Every single one of my friends is married , and two of his friends are married one is engaged. We don't even live together as he has started his own Business which he is trying to get off the ground (IMO He isn't working very hard at that) He told me that If he isn't making any money by the time he is 30 ,Then he will get a regular job and we can move into our own place together... ( I was like.. seriously? your gonna sit on your ass for 4 more years until you decide to do something?) We have been to soooo many weddings recently.. that I'm starting to get a little depressed about it.
SnowWhiteQueen
Well-known member
It seems like we are all certainly in the same boat!!!
clslvr6spd
Well-known member
Why don't all of us girls waiting have some big party in that yacht, lol! I am getting the itch as well, all of my friends are engaged/married or having babies!!
lainz
Well-known member
Quote:
i will keep you ladies posted
i think it was last month when we actually talked about marriage...i broke down and told him that while our relationship was wonderful, that it scared me how freaked out he was to settle down. he told me he had a secret...which was that he really did think about an engagement, and how he would ask me etc...he just never wanted to talk about it to not mess with his masculinity.
| Originally Posted by SnowWhiteQueen
It seems like we are all certainly in the same boat!!! I find it funny that it is so often girls who get depressed about not being married...I guess guys don't feel the same pressure for it or have the same need? I don't know. I really appreciate all of your lovely advice, and I can see that a lot of you are in exactly the same situation as me. I hope your boyfriend proposes on the trip - update us if he does!!! I know that my boyfriend wants to get married, and he has told me so, but I often think that he doesn't want it as much as me. Which sucks. 
|
i will keep you ladies posted
i think it was last month when we actually talked about marriage...i broke down and told him that while our relationship was wonderful, that it scared me how freaked out he was to settle down. he told me he had a secret...which was that he really did think about an engagement, and how he would ask me etc...he just never wanted to talk about it to not mess with his masculinity.
MACATTAK
Well-known member
ITA with SparklingWaves. This is obviously very important to you, so I feel you should find out where he stands on this, and if he wants this for the both of you in the future. Some people will wait as long as it takes, but for me personally I wouldn't be waiting this long.
Araylan
Well-known member
If you really think he is the one, he's worth the wait. I think women tend to get too obsessed over marriage. He's right too. If you keep talking and talking about it, he won't be able to surprise you. Not only that, but he might feel pressured into it and if you aren't both ready then the marriage will either not last or at least not be as good as it could be. As long as you both know where you stand, you're fine. Freaking out about it will only cause you stress that you don't need. Just sit back and let life happen. 
chocodcocoa
Well-known member
You're both still very young... If you really want to be with him and think he's worth the wait, I don't think you should pressure TOO much. Maybe he's just not proposing because he doesnt think it's the best time? Or maybe he wants to be fully settled (with a stable job and what not) before he really commits to marriage. Marriage is a big thing... and it'll happen when the time is right =) I wouldn't freak out at 20 just yet =) and btw I'm 20 too and I desperately want to get married, but my bf and I agree that we should at least be out of school before we make the decision =) You want it to be a lifelong thing =)
MadchenRogue
Well-known member
You know I used to think that way too, but it all changed with time. I remember being with a guy for 4 years and then he suddenly dumped me. But the difference was that he was more in it because he was used to it and liked the security of being in a relationship NOT because he wanted it to see it grow. After a few years later I met a guy, then after a year and a half of dating, he proposed to me, then the following year we got married. We will celebrate our 4 yr anniversary this june. but you see, after my 1st break-up I was not even looking for "the one". It just happened out of the blue. things happen for a reason, and maybe there is a reason why he is not making that move. You cannot force marriage, thats not how it works sweety. If its meant to be, he would have sat down with you and truly expressed himself and his intentions. Sometimes age is a factor, sometimes there is a financial factor ( maybe he wants to continue with school and get his master's degree..)..but who knows. And only you know how he really is. Is he affectionate with you? Does he makes excuses to be with "the guys"? Does he take you for granted???
this is common. So don't think for a moment that the amount of years together would reward you with marriage or a marriage proposal. You are taking a gamble, we are have or had. My question to you is what are YOU willing to bet on??? That he will stick around until he finds something better OR that with time he would eventually propose to you??? Only time and his actions would tell sweety....only time and his actions.
this is common. So don't think for a moment that the amount of years together would reward you with marriage or a marriage proposal. You are taking a gamble, we are have or had. My question to you is what are YOU willing to bet on??? That he will stick around until he finds something better OR that with time he would eventually propose to you??? Only time and his actions would tell sweety....only time and his actions.
Kuuipo
Well-known member
People shouldn't rush to get married. It's getting harder these days to get unmarried, and marriage is supposed to be FOREVER, so you better be really careful. Dating is kinda like a job interview. It's better to wait, enjoy the freedom than too make a big, costly mistake.
little teaser
Well-known member
i agree people shouldnt rush to get married if he is good to you and is already commited in the relationship you should wait untill hes ready.
fashionette
Well-known member
I don't get why marriage is so special. Mostly it just destroys relationships, I mean, is a ring on the finger and a dress more meaningful than the love itself?
