What am I going to do and what difference will it make?

[Pascal]

Ok ladies, earlier this month I posted a thread in regards to me moving back to my parents house, or staying in my apt. I told you guys that after thinking it through, that it would be best for me to stay living out on my own and move back to their house when I felt like it was time. However a couple weeks after that I calculated that I am in debt and if I stay living out on my own that my debt will grow more and more and so I decided to give my 30 day notice so I can move back in with my parents, pay off my debt in a few omnths and save some money, I was also going to put my furniture in storage so that way if I ever decided I couldn't live at home anymore at least I don't have to go through buying furniture and decorations. I'm just trying to protect myself for the future by doing this.


Here's where the real problem began... a couple days after I told both my parents that I was moving back they had a HUGE fight.... I mean a really huge fight. My dad raised his voice at my mom, he broke stuff around the house, he threatened to leave her, me and my sister. After that huge fight, he dedicded to buy a plane ticket and abandon us and go to the Middle East and we would never hear from him again. He told his partner to close down his business.... Then a couple days after their fight, he felt bad for everything he said to my mom, he apologized for yelling at me and saying I was fired from working for him, he said he was angry, he did not really want to abandon us he wants to be here and he wants to be with my mom. Well my mom accepted his apology and then later in the day, she brought up the very same subject that had caused them to fight in the first place... That made him mad, however he didn't respond to her by being disturctive, instead he was assertive and it was fine. Last night she and I went to the mall, and she wasn't all there I could tell she was going to continue... So this morning my dad asked me if I had spoken with my mom, and I said No, why? He said "Your mom is upset with me she didn't fight with me, she just wants me to leave and she said that when I get back home, she's gonna have all of my things packed in bags so I can leave so we can seprate for a little while". And I said "What the hell?" He said well thats what she wnats but it's not what I want. S o this morning I called her and acted oblivious to what I knew, then I asked her how she was and what she was doing. She said "I'm packing your fathers belongins I don't want him in my house anymore", "He has abandoned us in the past 15 years ago, he threatened to do it again 15 years ago, and I can't go on married to that man, he is violent, he raises his voice, I don't know if he will do it again in that future since he just proved that he hasn't changed since 15 years ago, I never know what to expect from him". I said to her "Well you start a problem, he makes it worse and bigger then he should, you forgive him for his wrongdoing and you turn right back around and now are creating another problem by telling him to leave" I don't know if what I said made any sense but it's like if she does something wrong, he turns around and makes it worse, which makes her more hurt, and she wants to get back at him and it goes on and on and on !!!
I said to her "All you guys do is take turns". One day he's the villian, the next your the villian... So I told her I don't agree with what she is doing and I believe shes doing this because I have decided to come back home, so now she's secure with my return and she can pack his stuff... Last time that happenned was when they seperated earlier this year and he was out for 2 months I was MISERABLE... I was imprisoned with her. After work I had to come home becuase she lonely, I went to Disneyland cause I had bought a parkhopper pass months before their separation and I went to Disneyland.. It was like hell there, I didn't enjoy myself... I had no social life. If my friend wanted to see a movie I would say no I can't leave my mom at home.... So anyways when my dad moved back home, I waited for the oppertunity to move out and have them be together and give me my space and my peace of mind, but as you all know they have not improved they have only gotten worse...

What's a girl like me to do, what is the best thing for me to do? I can still talk to my leasing office and work something out with them... what would you do if you were in my shoes?

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

Girl, you need to be on your own, even if that means getting a cheaper place. Your parent's home is toxic right now, and you mom using you as a security blanket is unacceptable...their home is not healthy, and you being there will not make the situation better.

Also, your parents need to move through this thing on their own, maybe they are better separated, but do you really want to be in the middle of all the drama either way? Give them their space and time, and don't get in between them...this thing is their problem, and though it may hurt you, the best is to stay out of the middle of it. Hell, maybe they'll both be better people on their own.

 

[Shimmer]

Move out, stay out, and build your own life without codependency, manipulation, toxicity, and negativity.

You're going to have to learn to go it on your own and deal with life on your terms and not your parents'. When YOU start calling the shots and making a difference, your life will change; until then, you're going to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of drama.

You've got the choice to change it. It's on you to make that difference, but it's not going to happen til you're ready, no matter how many people on the internet tell you to do it.

ETA:
You know what the right thing to do is, you know what the right path to choose is, you're going to have to nut up and DO it. No amount of cheering from us is going to make you do it until you're damn good and ready.

 

[06290714]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Move out, stay out, and build your own life without codependency, manipulation, toxicity, and negativity. You're going to have to learn to go it on your own and deal with life on your terms and not your parents'. When YOU start calling the shots and making a difference, your life will change; until then, you're going to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of drama. You've got the choice to change it. It's on you to make that difference, but it's not going to happen til you're ready, no matter how many people on the internet tell you to do it.

agreed.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Time and again, we have all agreed you should not return. I get that you're in debt, but I'd look into getting a part-time job, a roommate, something else.

It won't be fun, but your mental health will be worth whatever shit you have to do

 

[n_c]

Let your parents work out their own problems. Its time for you to figure out your own life, hope everything works out.

 

[ashk36]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Time and again, we have all agreed you should not return. I get that you're in debt, but I'd look into getting a part-time job, a roommate, something else. It won't be fun, but your mental health will be worth whatever shit you have to do

I agree with the room mate thing. Saves me and my boyfriend a TON of money and headaches. The part time job is a good idea, too. Doesn't have to be forever, but it'll help you get back on your feet.

 

[Delilah]

I don't mean to be rude, but the fact your parents are fallible is not anything many of us haven't gone through before. If you think you are responsible for their happiness you are wrong. You are neither the cause or solution to their problems.

All you can do is live your life for yourself and offer support in a way that doesn't affect your mental well being. It is up to you - as an adult - to draw the line in any toxic relationship. Don't move back in, don't use cash as an excuse unless you are willing to bear the consequences.

Good luck.

 

[Pascal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ashk36 I agree with the room mate thing. Saves me and my boyfriend a TON of money and headaches. The part time job is a good idea, too. Doesn't have to be forever, but it'll help you get back on your feet.

I don't do the roomate thing at all ladies... sorry I realized that I can't live with anyone, especially a couple... My sister is a roomate with this lady who's got a bf but he never spends the night or stays there a lot, I chose to be on my own and get away from my parents and when I visited mt sister last night I realized that it's an intrusion to live with a couple , even when they are your parents.. But I do agree on a second job. I'm gonna try really hard and get whatever I can get and make some extra $ to help with my debt.

 

[Willa]

Then don't do the roomate thing, but get out of this place, QUICKLY

 

[gitts]

I totally agree and will stick with my previous advice, stay on your own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dahlia_Rayn Girl, you need to be on your own, even if that means getting a cheaper place. Your parent's home is toxic right now, and you mom using you as a security blanket is unacceptable...their home is not healthy, and you being there will not make the situation better. Also, your parents need to move through this thing on their own, maybe they are better separated, but do you really want to be in the middle of all the drama either way? Give them their space and time, and don't get in between them...this thing is their problem, and though it may hurt you, the best is to stay out of the middle of it. Hell, maybe they'll both be better people on their own.