What am I going to do?

[Annie]

I'm in a really nasty dilemma here and would really appreciate some advice.

My older brother is in the Marine Corps and was schedule to deploy to Iraq on the 6th. He was coming home on Friday to drop off his truck and say his goodbyes to us and his girlfriend before he went. On the way here, he got in a horrible accident that resulted in the death of his best friend, a guy he thought of as a brother.

At the moment, he's back at Camp Lejeune getting massive amounts of support from his friends. The problem is that those guys are deploying on the 6th and my brother is not, because his shoulder got messed up during the accident. He's also facing some legal ramifications from this (all minimal).

My parents have made plans to go down to Camp Lejeune on Tuesday, so that they could be there for a day before all of his friends leave and then could stay for a few days after, so that once his initial support system was gone, he'd have his family in the wings.

Here's the problem: my junior year of highschool starts on Tuesday. I have a choice to make. I can either go to school, or I can go see my brother.

Now, before you think I'm a horrible person for not saying "f*ck school, I'm going to see my brother", let me give you a little background.

My brother has thus far refused help from all family members. He's completely determined to deal with all the legal problems and so on on his own (despite that fact that he's broke). My uncle went down this morning and said that he was pretty distant and it was obvious that he really didn't want him there. If we go down, not only is it possible that he will outright reject and form of help and comfort we give him, but he will probably not appreciate our presence at all. Also, my parents are going have to sort out a bunch of legal matters, so I'll have absolutely nothing to do.

My parents are going no matter what, but they've given me a few choices: go with them the whole time; stay here in VA and go to school; I go with them for Tuesday and Wednesday and on of them drives me back.

If I had my choice, I'd stay here for Tuesday and Wednesday and then drive down to Lejeune myself and stay until my parents leave, so that way I can get my school stuff settled and let my teachers know what's up. However, I'm pretty sure my parents aren't going to go for that.

I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has for me.

 

[Hawkeye]

I think your brother may feel that it is his fault. And he may feel it is important for him to do this alone as his own punishment for what may have happened.

I can only imagine loosing someone I loved like a sister. Sometimes it's just hard because he may feel a lot of emotions and he's not sure how to deal with them right now. It's a very hard thing.

Honestly, what I would do is when you see your brother next and the first thing you do when you see him is give him a big hug and say I love you. You're brother has a lot going on right now and I think he's afraid that somehow it is his fault or that since he's the marine he should be the one who should've gotton hurt etc I mean theres all sorts of things that could be going through his mind right now.

You're parents are very wise people and there is a point where words truely do get in the way and all you can do is speak with your heart. That's the best. And I think you're parents can see that this hurt your brother is going through is massive.

This whole situation is hard. I think that in a way you already know what you want to do and need to do and which ever one it is I know its the right move. You're in my thoughts and prayers and so is your brother because this is one of those situations that only love can help him through.

**OK I'm editing this right now-I thought about it some more-the best thing for you to do is stay home. Very rarely will I ever advise that but since this is such a very fragile situation I think you need to stay home, watch over the house etc but maybe write a note to your brother just saying how proud you are of him etc. Something tells me you are needed more at home then you are there at the moment. *HUGS* It's OK everything will turn out OK.

 

[luvme4me]

Go see him, even if he acts like he does not want you guys to go, he still needs you there. He has alot of things on his mind.

 

[giz2000]

I think in this situation, I would go with Option C - go up Tuesday and Wednesday, and then have one of them drive you back. That way, you can support your brother AND still go to school.

Your brother is hurting big time. He has survivor guilt, and he needs help. The problem with the military (I used to do counseling for some of the branches) is that any psychological help that he might receive goes on his record - there is no confidentiality in the military. He may be perceived as weak by his peers and command, which is probably why he is being resistant to help. Doom on that. Support him, love him and let him know you're there for him.

Good luck and keep up posted...

 

[Shimmer]

Your brother is being a Marine, compounded by that he's dealing with an immense amount of guilt and grief.
Go see him, regardless of what he says he wants (or doesn't want) right now. Later, when he looks back, he'll appreciate it.

 

[*Stargazer*]

On top of the accident and being injured, he is probably also feeling seriously guilty for not deploying with his fellow Marines. That can be more problematic than actually deploying for some guys. He needs to be able to speak to someone. If he talks to the Chaplain from his Battalion, he shouldn't have to worry about anything finding its way into his service jacket.

Go and see him. Even if he doesn't "want" you there, he does. Good luck with everything!

 

[Bootyliciousx]

I think you should go and see your brother with you mom and dad. Eventhough if he distant himself from you guys, he will know you are there. He will have some hope. Thats what family does, you are his sister. Why not call head to your high school tell the teacher or counselor or tell one of your trusted freinds to tell your teachers that you will be absent 2 days. Everybody deals with death differently, but feeling alone is one of the worst.

 

[Beauty Mark]

He's probably in shock, as well as dealing with the griefing process and blame he may have for himself. My friend dated military men, and she says they're trained to not be emotional.

I'd go. He may never admit it to you, but I'm sure he will appreciate your presence. You really don't miss anything during the first few days that you can't easily make up. If the workload is really a major issue, I'd meet up with a friend Wed. evening, if you don't get back late, and catch up the best you can.

 

[eye_pr0mise]

i think you should go see him. he may seem a little frustrated right now. and might want to work it out himself. and even if it seems that he doesnt want the help from you or your family when all is well and good again, then im sure he'll appreciate it. I mean, its worth a shot.
school is important, but hes family.

 

[Annie]

Thank you guys for all your advice. I really appreciate it.

We're still not quite sure what's going to happen, but at the moment, it looks like I will be going to school for the first week. Please note that this was not my choice, but it looks like that's how it's going to be.

My dad spoke to Nick (my brother) earlier this evening and Nick told him that he had already spoken to Banks' (the friend who died) family. He didn't say so directly, but I'm pretty sure that he was the one to tell the family that Banks had died.

Banks' entire company is coming up to Virginia for the funeral, and Nick will be riding along with them. We will, of course, be attending the funeral, but I'm pretty sure that Nick has to go back to Lejeune that day, so we really won't get to see much of him.

In the mean time, we are planning to go see him, but not right this moment. We will more than likely go down this weekend or sometime next week. We've added him to our cellphone plan so that we can get in touch with him easier. He's been saying that the JAGs will be helping him out, but my parents are still looking into getting a civilian lawyer for him. Over Nick's very loud protests, I might add. My dad was going to go down tomorrow, pick up Nick and go to the police station in the town he crashed in and pick up the stuff that was in the truck and sort out Nick's possessions from Banks, (all the stuff that was in the car go strewn all over the highway when it rolled, and the cops just mashed everything together as quick as they could) but Nick is insisting on doing that on his own. I think that's one of those things that's just to personal to let anyone else interfere with.

The good news about the legal side of this is that apparently when he spoke to Banks' family, they told him that they were going to request that all charges against him be dropped.

He said that he'd give us a call tomorrow night, so we have to wait until then to get more information.

Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my teachers and let them know that I will probably be missing some classes soon and it will more than likely be on very short notice. Same with my employer.

I intend to respect his wishes as much as I can, but I am definitely going to stay in as much contact with him as I can. When we got his cell phone, I programmed my number in and put it second on his speed dial. I'm going to try to call him or e-mail whenever I can and just talk to him. I'm not going to badger him with details about the accident or legal issues, I'm just going to talk to him.

Once again, thank you guys for all of your advice.