What do you consider "cheating"?

[dramatEYES]

About 7 months ago, I ended a relationship with my then-boyfriend. Recently, though, we've started talking again and have been on a few dates and all that...nothing too serious.

What always bothered me about him was that I felt I couldn't trust him, mostly because of what he considered "cheating". He ONLY considering having sex with another person cheating. Anything else from kissing to...eh hem...OTHER mouth action he deemed okay, even though we were dating at the time. He didn't ever do anything beyond kiss someone else at a party (that I was at! ...on my birthday.

), but I always had this suspicion that he would eventually, especially considering our ideas of "cheating" were very different.

So, what acts do YOU consider cheating? Are there any specifically that would make you end it with someone?

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Well I'd like to say a few words about this guy. A relationship is not balanced or healthy if you always have this nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you can't trust the other person. Trust really is that important in a relationship especially when it comes to fidelity. Cause you can seriously drive yourself up the wall with constant thoughts about "Is he cheating on me??!!". Plus his idea of cheating also does not mesh with your views on it. So in his mind if he does this and that with another girl but doesn't have actual sex with her, he hasn't cheated on you. Therefore in his mind if he does that, he actually hasn't done anything wrong. But that's not how you feel about it though since to you that IS cheating. Plus he doesn't seem to be that great of a guy if he's kissing another girl at a party that you were at too!! Especially if he does know your views on what constitutes as cheating.

But what I consider cheating is

Flirting with someone else in a sexual or suggestive manner where the person isn't doing it just to joke around or be funny but to actually be seriously sexual about it, if that makes any sense. And any type of sexual contact/acts such as kissing, sex, oral sex, etc. These are all things that are a deal breaker for me. I feel that if a guy has to go somewhere else for these things besides me then he doesn't need me in my life obviously so therefore I don't need him in my life either. Nor does he deserve to be in it.

 

[pumpkincat210]

Wow, I'm sorry, but if he isn't even on the same page as most of us!
It's hard to change someone like that.
Cheating could range anywhere from sex or physical acts to emotionally cheating(like flirting with other girls heavily)or talking to them on the phone in a way which would imply they are more than friends (most girls back off when they know a guy has a girlfriend because they don't want a cheater)/playing mindgames.
With that said cheaters usually cheat again. Not always, but its a good prediction.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I do agree that many cheaters do tend to repeat their mistakes again. Sometimes I think that it maybe an addiction in some type of a way. Maybe they get a thrill out of doing it or something like that cause it's "wrong" and "dangerous" if you get what I mean. It's practically impossible to change them. It's a classic case of they won't change unless they WANT to themselves and am actually willing to do something about it.

 

[LMD84]

kissing is cheating to me! i can't believe this guy even thinks oral is ok! i think you should trty and move on hun, he sounds like a bit of a dud.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

anything ur partner does behind ur back that he couldn't do in front of u is cheating IMO. It can range from heavy flirting, kissing, to...

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

I think that this guy was trying to justify his actions by making up 'its not really cheating' excuse. There are things that I think are wrong to do with out actually cheating. Cheating to me is kissing,sex, oral sex, sexting,holding hands(only me or my kids can do that),taking another girl on a date or emailing inappropriate things. Dont let a guy make you feel guilty for his dumb actions. Lets see how he lands a wife with the 'its not really cheating' excuse. Sorry you had to go thru that. Good luck

 

[Shimmer]

Anything my partner is not okay with is cheating.
Boundaries are established between us, and I should respect them.
The reverse is true.


If you have to hide it, you shouldn't do it.

 

[_tiffany]

I pretty much agree with this quote: "It becomes cheating when what you are doing is something that your partner wouldn't approve of." My boyfriend says he thinks cheating is doing anything that would make people think we're not together. I think if you don't wouldn't like your partner doing something, you shouldn't do it either.

 

[laylalovesmac]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadowy Lady anything ur partner does behind ur back that he couldn't do in front of u is cheating IMO. It can range from heavy flirting, kissing, to...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Anything my partner is not okay with is cheating. Boundaries are established between us, and I should respect them. The reverse is true. If you have to hide it, you shouldn't do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by _tiffany I pretty much agree with this quote: "It becomes cheating when what you are doing is something that your partner wouldn't approve of." My boyfriend says he thinks cheating is doing anything that would make people think we're not together. I think if you don't wouldn't like your partner doing something, you shouldn't do it either.

This is how I define it, too.

 

[sassyboo]

I agree with all of the earlier posts. Anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your partner is cheating. I would even go so far as to say that if he is fully aware of your feelings and does something that he KNOWS you consider cheating (even if he doesn't) is cheating. Most people have that little sensor that goes off, that nervous feeling that tells you are doing something wrong. Unfortunately, not everyone has that. My ex-husband began a "friendship" with a woman he worked with. They shared intimate conversations about their marriages with each other. They would hug and kiss on the cheek. I felt like this was a betrayal as did her husband. They insisted that it was not cheating and they were doing nothing wrong. Let's just say that this is now 3 years later, they have a 6 month old son and are getting married soon. To this day they say that they did nothing wrong in their marriages and left before the betrayed the marriage (meaning, left us then slept together the night after). No matter how many conversations I have had with them, they still firmly believe that they did nothing wrong since they didn't have "intercourse" till they left us. I dunno, I guess many people have different ideas. To me, I would feel like I was a cheater. The important thing is that the person you are with is on the same page as you. I suppose if both people agree that it is okay to have emotional ties with someone else, then for them..it's not cheating. I personally, could not have an open marriage. However, I hear that people do it successfully everyday. I guess the point of this whole rambling post is to say that cheating is whatever the 2 people in the relationship decide it is. If his opinion is that far from yours, then you will never be truly happy and secure.

 

[kaliraksha]

I think every relationship should have the discussion and set your own boundaries. I've set mine to physical, verbal and emotional. Personally, if my bf is thinking of someone else more than me then I want to know so I can make decisions.

I agree, if I wouldn't do it in front of my bf then I shouldn't be doing it. I have no problem with this because I don't agree to anything I wouldn't expect from him either.

 

[katred]

I think each relationship has to find their own definition of cheating and there are some great suggestions on this thread for how that boundary can be set. If you're doing something that would upset your gf/ bf, if you're doing something that you feel you have to keep secret, if you're doing something that would lead people to believe that the relationship is over... those things are all cheating.

With regard to your bf, he's being a tool. He may define cheating as "only sex", but if he's not willing to rein himself in any further in order to avoid hurting you, then he's being disrespectful of your feelings. One of the things that we all end up doing in order to keep relationships healthy is to curb our sexual habits. It's nice that he says where he draws the line, but he's ignoring the fact that you aren't comfortable with that. Would he really be losing that much by giving up kissing/ groping/ etc. with other women? (Plus, I question whether or not he'd be OK with you doing the same thing, but that's just conjecture on my part.)

Save yourself some heartache. Tell him that you have very different definitions of cheating and that will keep things from progressing between you.