What should my brother and I do?

[iio]

Our mom has been bringing this guy to our house while my dad is traveling for work. He is like 23 years old and she is almost 40. We've been hearing them moaning and groaning and it just grosses us out. My parents have issues with each other. My mom doesnt work, she parties a lot, she still takes drugs even though she was arrested for it and is taking some classes for it and my dad is paying for her classes. She thinks my dad is cheating on her with women from other countries...and talks about how he better not be doing that...when she is also doing the same.

Im sure my dad may be doing something while he is at work in these other countries but he doesnt bring it to the house. With my mom, my brother and I always hear her gossip about other poeple and talk about drugs. Then she brings a guy over and she even introduced him to my bf! and my bf is all like " I shouldnt be here...I feel like im betraying your dad". I feel really disappointed in my mom when I see her acting single and talking to this guy like she has no husband. Like really...I dont want to see it. I dont know why she doesnt go to his house and do their thing. I even ask her if he has his own place so he doesnt have to come here at our house and she just ignored me.

I soemtimes feel like my dad let her gets away with things...like money and her arguments. Shes always saying that my dad is nothing with out her, but at the same time she wouldnt have anything without my dad because he is our only supporter. When my dad left a week ago he said to watch and take care of my brother and that he gave our mom $300...$100 of it was for her diversion class and the other $200 for food and whatever we needed like gas...and the next day when it was time to go grocery shopping my mom said that she only has $60 for food. And im like what?! I said " I thought dad gave you a couple hundred?" and she just ignored me. I mean Im sure she had extra money but I think she uses it for her gas because she is always going out and during the day she comes and goes.

I dont know what to do with my mom. I feel bad that she feels lonely when my dad is not around...but obviously she is fine without him because she has her friends and this guy that she goes out with a lot now. I think that the only thing that is holding her back is that she doesnt have a job and has no money. It really upsets me when I see her on myspace posing with this guy that she is seeing and I see no pictures of my dad.

She has been getting hate mail about what she has been doing but she denies it. I think it is our fault for not saying anything....but I want to I just feel that she is going to ignore me or deny it. Even one of her ex friends tried to tell my dad about her bringing guys to the house, but he didnt believe her because he didnt even like her to begin with.

I think my brother and I are going to tell my dad. I just feel that their relationship is not getting any better. It really bugs me...I'd just rather move out with my brother and have us two live together. Really...I hate hearing my mom argue with my dad. She can be a total hypocrite and I want to say something but its hard to. Last time I said something we got into the most biggest fight she wanted to kick me out and I just wanted to punch her. I wanted to hit her so bad to get her head out of her ass and start thinking about us and not her social life for once.

What should I do...I dont know where to start.

 

[Mabelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by iio Our mom has been bringing this guy to our house while my dad is traveling for work. He is like 23 years old and she is almost 40. We've been hearing them moaning and groaning and it just grosses us out. My parents have issues with each other. My mom doesnt work, she parties a lot, she still takes drugs even though she was arrested for it and is taking some classes for it and my dad is paying for her classes. She thinks my dad is cheating on her with women from other countries...and talks about how he better not be doing that...when she is also doing the same. Im sure my dad may be doing something while he is at work in these other countries but he doesnt bring it to the house. With my mom, my brother and I always hear her gossip about other poeple and talk about drugs. Then she brings a guy over and she even introduced him to my bf! and my bf is all like " I shouldnt be here...I feel like im betraying your dad". I feel really disappointed in my mom when I see her acting single and talking to this guy like she has no husband. Like really...I dont want to see it. I dont know why she doesnt go to his house and do their thing. I even ask her if he has his own place so he doesnt have to come here at our house and she just ignored me. I soemtimes feel like my dad let her gets away with things...like money and her arguments. Shes always saying that my dad is nothing with out her, but at the same time she wouldnt have anything without my dad because he is our only supporter. When my dad left a week ago he said to watch and take care of my brother and that he gave our mom $300...$100 of it was for her diversion class and the other $200 for food and whatever we needed like gas...and the next day when it was time to go grocery shopping my mom said that she only has $60 for food. And im like what?! I said " I thought dad gave you a couple hundred?" and she just ignored me. I mean Im sure she had extra money but I think she uses it for her gas because she is always going out and during the day she comes and goes. I dont know what to do with my mom. I feel bad that she feels lonely when my dad is not around...but obviously she is fine without him because she has her friends and this guy that she goes out with a lot now. I think that the only thing that is holding her back is that she doesnt have a job and has no money. It really upsets me when I see her on myspace posing with this guy that she is seeing and I see no pictures of my dad. She has been getting hate mail about what she has been doing but she denies it. I think it is our fault for not saying anything....but I want to I just feel that she is going to ignore me or deny it. Even one of her ex friends tried to tell my dad about her bringing guys to the house, but he didnt believe her because he didnt even like her to begin with. I think my brother and I are going to tell my dad. I just feel that their relationship is not getting any better. It really bugs me...I'd just rather move out with my brother and have us two live together. Really...I hate hearing my mom argue with my dad. She can be a total hypocrite and I want to say something but its hard to. Last time I said something we got into the most biggest fight she wanted to kick me out and I just wanted to punch her. I wanted to hit her so bad to get her head out of her ass and start thinking about us and not her social life for once. What should I do...I dont know where to start.

tell your dad, just be prepared for a shitstorm. Tell them that things cant stay the way they are. Go stay at your bf's if you can. See if you brother can stay with a friend (if things get really bad). Go stay at a relatives. If you are old enough and are able to (ie have the money), i would say move out with your brother. This atmosphere is poisonous and will only hurt you.

Some people should not be allowed to raise children. Your mother sounds like one of them. If you have to make the choice, just based off of this post, i would say stay with your dad (if they separate)

Hope everything turns out... as well as it can. Good luck

 

[iio]

^thanks...I just feel like my mom is good at making people feel bad...and thats how she gets to my dad. But I think that if he hears it from his kids then he would think about it twice. I even told my dad why he doesnt divorce my mom...he said he might have to but he doesnt so there must be something that my dad doesnt want to let go. Or he is just too busy with work he doesnt have time to deal with it.

I just asked my brother if we should tell our mom to stop bringing this guy to our house or else we are going to tell dad or that we either tell dad about this...and he said he doesnt know. But its been lingering in my head for awhile and pissing me off that she has this person over and Im sure he knows that my brother and I are in the house because I can hear her trying to sneak him in. Ugh so obvious I want to just come out and be like "STOP! get out of this house!". Like everything that Im keeping in me right now is going to blow up like a bomb. Its like we are all so silent about it...we dont talk about it. And when we do start to talk about it we dont know what to do now becauuse things have gone way too far.

 

[Shimmer]

Stay out of it.
If you get involved, you'll have to pick sides, and that's never pretty.

 

[chaffsters33]

I don't have any good advice for you, but I'm sorry your stuck in the middle of this situation. I hope it gets better!

 

[panda0410]

Um, stay out of it! Your dad travels - you have no idea if he gets up to anything himself and men who travel or are away from home for times quite often do. Leave it be.

 

[kariii]

wow, I just wonder how old you are! I wish I had advice for you, I've never had to go through something like that..I grew up fatherless, so only one parent to deal with. i hope everything goes well for you, though but you should definitely find a way to get out of that poisonous environment! Good luck, hun.

 

[franimal]

I am sorry you are in such a shit situation! I wouldn't tell your Dad though just because I believe her actions will be revealed in time and you don't need to get involved. Cheating is one thing, but bringing it around your children and burdening them with keeping your secrets is just wrong. So sorry....

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

Your parents are adults.. I think most importantly you should focus on yourself and your brother, don't let your corrupt family bring you down in life, no matter what happens, its important you and your brother keep a positive attitude and support one another. Learn from their mistakes and remember that communication is such an important tool in any relationship..

I don't think you should tell your dad.. Your parents seem to be in their own worlds... i'm pretty sure they both know whats going on to some extent.. Your mom needs a serious intervention, but i think your dad is the only one who can truly help her if he cared enough.. She definitely needs to ditch the whatever friends she has.. Fixing/stressing out about your parents mistakes, especially of this nature.. should not be the responsibility of the kids...

 

[almmaaa]

Sorry You have to go thru this. For a mother her first priority should be her kids no matter what age then the husband sounds like ur mom puts going out in front of you guys, I would tell your dad and show him her myspace to prove it or secretly take a pic or record them when their moaning, Maybe hard but it serves as evidence in case ur dad dosent beleive u guys. Then just live with ur dad if he kicks ur mom out.
My 2 cents.

 

[user79]

I'm kind of surprised that people are suggestion to essentially do nothing. This seems like an incredibly dysfunctional living situation that no kid should have to live through and turn a blind eye to. Honestly, it sounds extremely messed up to me! I can only imagine what kind of a mental strain this is putting on you and your brother.

I think you need to tell your mom clearly that it makes you very uncomfortable that she brings strange men to the house when your father is on business trips. Even if they are both cheating on each other, I do think that what your mother is doing is completely disrespectful to her children who are stuck in the middle of this. I would tell your mom exactly how it makes you feel and that you can't continue living with this situation and that she's going to have to make a choice between having a good family environment or getting her freak on!

Is there a family relative you can talk to about this problem, someone you can confide in? Maybe you can stay at a relative's house for a while if your mom completely ignores you and the situation. I really think this is a pretty effed up situation to put your own children in, it's like they don't give a damn about you and your brother.

You might also consider that maybe your father is aware of the situation but is in denial, maybe he is also cheating so he feels like he can't really call your mom out on it. But the situation is all around very messed up, you need to make it absolutely clear to both your parents how uncomfortable and unhappy you are with the situation, maybe even suggest going for family counseling or something so she will understand the stress this is putting on you emotionally.

Good luck!

 

[Mabelle]

^ i completely agree with the above post.

This sounds like the a truly awful living situation. I dont think you should have to keep your mouth shut and endure it. It'll only hurt you in the end. Be strong and confront your parents. Good luck.

 

[iio]

THanks girls...and thanks misschievous for your opinion. My brother and I are planning to come together and talk to her about it. We are going to tell her to not bring the man over ever again because we dont feel like its our home anymore...and we dont feel comfortable about the whole situation. And that we rather have her take it somewhere else like a damn hotel room or at his house. And if she does it again then we are just going to tell my dad.

I know I may be more on my dads side here just because he told me that whatever he has done in the past...like drugs he would never do it in front of us or even talk about it. SO at least I know he is aware of his kids. Unlike my mom she feels that being open about her things she thinks she is doing a good thing and is being honest with us but its really not making us feel better.

 

[iio]

So I myself went to my mom about it and said that my brother and I feel uncomfortable about this guy and that we can hear them doing it...and then she goes on about how my dad does it when he is working. But i said..."I dont care what you do...just dont do it in the house...doesnt the guy have his own place?" and then she said "yeah but he lives far." and then she goes on saying "Dont worry I will be more discrete next time." and she isnt still! right when my dad left this morning she brings this guy over and ends up closing our bedroom doors...and now they just left to go see a movie with him and her other friend. UGH! I am so mad.

And then I had my brother txt my mom about it today.. it said..."mom why do you always bring that guy over we dont like it." and then she txt back saying "Im sori that you guys dont like it but i let you guys do alot please dont be mean to me"

WTF! us being mean to her. ugh

 

[Fataliya]

I don't think you should have to suffer in silence, either.

Were it my Mom, I'd tell her that the next time she brought homeboy over, I would tell Dad.

Hell, I'd tell Dad in front of her if I had to.

That's a really crappy situation to put your own children in the middle of.

 

[iio]

I dont know what to do...my mom is acting like shes the victim here. She was crying saying that we are being mean to her. She said that she is lonely and hurt all the time...and that she is still going to bring that guy in our house. Sooo whatever...Im so mad at her. Like I want to say something to this guy. Like what his intentions are with my mom...I mean he's freakin 23 years old. I just dont like it.

 

[kaliraksha]

Do you have an aunt or a close family friend that is also in a position to talk to your mom? Sometimes it's hard to separate good advice from your preconceptions of where it's coming from. I grew up in a really "old fashioned" household, where my parents were always right and we were to respect them without questioning. I know if I told my mom something serious she would be like "what does she know, she's a child" even though I haven't legally been a child for many years.

Personally, I would be as grown up as possible about it. Tell your brother he needs to come with you to talk to your mom so you guys can have a heart to heart. I would tell my mom that you understand her pain, know she's lonely, etc but what she is doing is causing you pain and it's extremely difficult to watch your mother be with someone who isn't your father. I personally believe that if either of you are still under 18 she has a responsibility to you guys first while you live in her household and that includes not putting you through emotional hell. If you're over 18, your only recourse might be to move out.

I mean this could be a much more blunt conversation if you wanted or thought that would get through to her. Such as, would she enjoy it if she heard one of you having sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because, as long as I've known that's one of those complete denial situations... parents don't want to hear their kids doing it... and kids don't want to hear their parents doing it. Does she realize in a divorce if infidelity came up your dad's witnesses would be her kids? If your dad is cheating, at least you guys don't blatantly hear it. Does she not care that she is driving you guys to want to move out and not be near her? Like I said, those are just some of the more extreme brutal thoughts that come to mind.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong whatsoever. I get that she's hurt, but sometimes the truth hurts. Just because someone is hurt doesn't make them and their actions right.

 

[abbyquack]

a) If your mom is doing drugs and is under the influence in your presence, that is a big issue.

b) I think you should give your mom an ultimatum: either tell her she needs to talk to your dad, or you will. He is entitled to know what is going on, especially if he is out working to pay HER bills. That is not fair to him at all. And who knows if your dad is doing the same thing, but he's not parading his mistress around in the house, having loud sex and making his family/children uncomfortable.

c) I think you really need to seek a professional counselor to help you and your brother deal with this. This is obviously not easy and you seem very distressed/torn about what's going on. I am sorry you have to go through this and wish you the best

 

[ruthless]

A parent should NEVER put their child in a situation where they feel unsafe, PERIOD.

A parent should NEVER allow their kid to hear them having sex with a stranger, WTF??

Seriously. Tell your school counsellor, call the crisis line but get out of that toxic living enviroment

 

[iio]

Thanks girls...ever since my brother and I mentioned it to my mom everything just got even worse. This guy is at our house like almost everyday now. And he doesnt leave until like late in the afternoon or sometimes even later. I dont know what to do.

I am very disappointed in her...I dont think I will ever feel close to her anymore.