What to do?

[banana1234]

So... where to start?!?!
A few weeks ago, i went out with my girls, i was a bit worse for wear by the end of it all, but i was having a good time.. brilliant infact.
My boyfriend kept calling me, asking when i was going to come home, cos i said i'd meet him afterwards, i must admit, this made me a bit annoyed, i dont call him ever 5 mins asking him to come home...
it got to 11pm and my mate went home, but I stayed on at the bar, with some old friends that i had met out there. I stayed til about 12, but left to go see my boyfriend. I got on a bus, and he said he'd meet me at his stop...

I got off the bus, and he told me i looked pretty. This is when, apparently i lost the plot. I was quite drunk, i mean, i wasnt throwing up, but i was stumbling a little (but i'm pretty clumsy anyway). I dont remember much of what happened, i just remember being really annoyed at him. Apparently I was quite mean to him.

The next day he was pretty mad, i appologised to him, this was a one off incident, i've never done this before. I mean, ive been quite unhappy in our relationship for a while, but i love him, and we're working on it. I know they say your true feelings come out when you're drunk, but him telling me what i said to him, i never felt that angry!

Anyway, we dismissed it as a one off, and i had to make it up to him for a while..

So.. this weekend, was a bank holiday, and it was my mates birthday, so i went to her birthday party, at the same bar.. i didnt drink too much, went back to my boyfriends, and everything was fine..
great.. i thought, it was a one off...
not so...
Sunday night, we went to our local pub, i was having a great time, i was dancing with all his mates, and my mates, and having a right giggle, i was hugging my boyfriend and being affectionate all night.. my friends kept buying me tequila shots.. but i was in a good mood, so i thought i'd be fine..
until we went to leave, and he told me to get in his mates car and he'll drive me home, he'll get the bus and meet me back at his. I was a bit upset, i knew what was going to happen, he'd go to his other mates not straight home, i wanted to come with him, he said no, and said i was too drunk. I proceeded to get annoyed, i told him i wanted to go with him, not by myself, he said no, this resulted in an arguement, which resulted in me crying my eyes out, shouting at him, and leaving by myself.

Anyway, my boyfriend talks to me the next day, saying i did all these horrible things again, he said i tried to punch him. My mates said it wasnt that bad, we argued, and shouted, but all in all, it was just your standard drunk people trying to argue, and they said i got more upset than angry. They said i definitely didnt try to punch him.

I don't know what to believe. My mates might have missed parts, but if i was the spectacle my boyfriend says i was, and they were standing right there, surely they'd agree, they're honest with me like that.

Anyway, i offered to cut back on my drinking, i admit, i didnt mean to get that wasted, i clearly had drunk too much. I never do tequila, but some one kept bringing me shot after shot, i should have said no.

He has now told me, i quit drinking all together, or he's gone.

I know i made a couple mistakes, but we've been togther 5 years, and we've been out together to bars millions of times before, and nothing like this has happened.. I am willing to cut back, but to never drink ever while i go out with him? Especially if he is out having drinks, and i have to sit there with a orange juice?

I would like to know, if he's being unreasonable? or if i'm being unreasonable? i want to cut back, heck i'm willing to give up drinking for a month or so to work things out, but permenantly? I'm 22 years old, and I would like to go out and have a good time ( i can do this with out drink, but i would like to know i can have one or two), as that's what all my mates are doing at the moment...

he says i can have a drink if i go out with out him, but that's just going to drive us further apart.

What do you guys think? I don't know what to do

I'm thinking in a couple weeks he'll have calmed down a bit, and perhaps we can see about going out to dinner, and maybe i can have a couple glasses of wine, but i'm sure not going to get wasted ever again. All my mates think its ridiculous.. as he's argued with me when he's drunk in the past, and its hypocritical. I just dont know what to do! help

I know I'm not this horrible person. I know I shouldn't get myself that drunk again. But to never go out to bars together again? It's surely going to end badly

 

[User38]

Time out time. You should back off and leave him alone as much as it might hurt, and he should do the same. Think about your priorities and your life and if you are behaving in a way which will be conducive to obtaining these priorities. If not, then you need a definite change in your life and behaviour.

5 years is nothing in the course of a lifetime if you spend it with the wrong person or you are in a relationship which is intrinsically messed up.

I do think you might be going too heavy on the drinking -- lay off that too for as long as possible. Drinking in moderation is great, but not remembering or acting out when drinking is probably having gone too far.

Use this time out to think a lot and things will ultimately get better -- with him or without him

 

[nichollecaren]

^^agreed

 

[frocher]

...........

 

[gildedangel]

I think (from the information that you have shared) that he is over-reacting to your behaviour a bit and I think that you are drinking a bit too much. It sounds like he might be worried about your drinking habits, thus telling you that you need to stop drinking in front of him or he walks. You both need to talk after you both calm down and reach a compromise. Just because you love someone and have been with them for years does not mean that you are necessarily meant to be together. You need to do what is best for you, not your boyfriend. If what is best for you does not match with what is best for him, then you may not be meant for each other.

 

[3jane]

1) drink less. it might help to switch to beer b/c you know how much alcohol is in a bottle, and you can pace yourself with more liquid. (this worked for a number of once blackout-drunks i've met)
2) put more time into hanging out with him. go to dinner and maybe grab drinks with him, but don't make it the evening center around drinking, yknow?
3) ask your friends to help you drink less and watch your back when you're out. use whatever reasons feel right. eg, you want to do it for yourself, it's putting strain on your relationship, whatever. if they're still pumping you full of shots despite this, they might not be the best crowd either...
4) ask if he'd like to go along when you go out with your friends! you can show him you're not always a crazy drunk.

basically, once he can see you're being responsible, he'll probably loosen up and be more reasonable. if he doesn't, then that's a definite red flag for the relationship.

oh, and TALK to him. try to reach a compromise, to have him give you a chance first. i have a suspicion that if you're secretly mad and resentful when you're going out with him, that might drive you to take that extra shot and slide out of control.

good luck!

 

[banana1234]

thanks guys, this is really helping.
i'm going to tell him i want to give up drinking til at least christmas, and hopefully earn some of his trust back. i just feel so lost, i never used to be like this. I've been out with him millions of times, and never said a bad word to him. But i do totally feel like he's blowing it out of preportion, even his own mates say they think its too much. I'm gunna see him tonight, to talk about it, suggest me taking a break from drinking, but to tell me i can never drink in his company again, i think will create more resentment, and make more problems that it has solved.

thank you for taking the time to read my INCREDIBLY long post you guys, and thanks for the support, it means a lot

 

[VickyT]

I think you're doing the right thing/on the right track so far. You could consider not drinking as part of the whole improving-things package with him. I disagree a little with the 'you have to do it for you, not him' attitude, I think sometimes you have to do/stop doing things because you're hurting people you care about. I'm glad to see you're willing to work on it- a lack of willingness is one of those fatal things in relationships.

As for the not drinking, I think taking a few months off is a good thing, Christmas is a good end date too. When you start back up though, consciously avoid the habits you were engaging in- start drinking through new eyes. Also working out rules and sticking to them is a technique you can try- say, 1 unit/standard drink per hour, and for every alcoholic drink you have x non alcoholic drinks in between.

I think there comes a time in everyone's life where you have to stop drinking like crazy- either due to health reasons, or due to emotional or relationship reasons. Maybe its that time for you?

 

[banana1234]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VickyT I think there comes a time in everyone's life where you have to stop drinking like crazy- either due to health reasons, or due to emotional or relationship reasons. Maybe its that time for you?

I think your right. He has a problem with drinking too, and I kindly asked if we could try and do it together, he says he isnt the one being a nasty drunk.

That is true, but he has done it in the past, but that was ages ago. I didnt make a big deal of it at the time, maybe i should have.

He had to go into hospital, for a drink related health problem, he gave up for 3 months, but soon slipped back to his old ways.

I think alcohol is the root of our problems, hopefully we can work it out.

Thanks again everyone. X

 

[banana1234]

UPDATE: he apologized last night, and we're still going to go out together, and we're both going to work on drinking less

thanks guys X