jamie89
Well-known member
Hello ladies. I am really confused right now.
I was with my boyfriend for a year, and we broke up when I went to college this past fall. I had always been a "good girl" and I made a lot of stupid mistakes while I was at school, with other guys, etc. My boyfriend was always a part of my life still, and I could not let him go. I came back this summer and he found out about a lot of the horrible things I did, but wanted to take me back and start over. When I came back, I broke down. I felt so much love gush over me and felt so guilty about everything I had done. I started to see a therapist and that helped with the guilt. It was so hard and I went through a lot of horrible times, crying late at night, hating myself. But I moved forward. Everything with my boyfriend was going great and I felt like we were moving forward.
Then one day I randomly thought of something that is normal. I have always been more "turned on" by girls. I have never had a crush on a girl or wanted to do anything sexual with one, but for some reason they turn me on more...like the image of them. When I think about sex, I want it with a guy. Relationships? Guy. But I started to get this feeling like..."Am I bisexual?" So I told my boyfriend about it. He was like, "Uh, ok, that's normal! No big deal." And that was that! It shouldn't have changed anything, but from then on I have felt weird in our relationship. This was about a month ago. Before that I hadn't questioned my feelings for him a bit and now it's like I'm not even sure if I love him. I always felt butterflies and excitement before and I didn't feel it the night after I told him about that. And from then on it's been confusion. Nothing has changed between us, but I feel like I've put up this barrier. You can't just fall out of love with someone in an instant. I have always had a problem with thinking too much and analyzing too much, and I feel like that's what I'm doing. But now I don't even know what I want. He is an incredible man, and my best friend, but it's like I almost feel numb. I don't know what to do. I want to be as certain as I was before. He still makes me laugh and he makes me so happy. Even if I was bisexual, that wouldn't mean I don't love him. Why should one thing that isn't even related to something else change it drastically? And overnight, at that? We've been through thick and thin together, and he's always supported me in life, and encouraged me to follow my dreams (I am a musical theatre major and dream of Broadway). He is my biggest fan and confidant, and I would still take a bullet for him in a heartbeat. I don't want to live a life without him, but I feel numb right now as to what I do want. I'm afraid that this summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster that I can't figure out my feelings. I leave this Saturday for school again, and will be going 3000 miles away again. I was so certain of what I wanted. He makes me happy when I'm with him and is my best friend, and then my brain gets the best of me. I said before that I wanted to spend my life with him and meant it. I am only 19, so I know people will say that's crazy, but I don't care. I don't know why this uncertainty came overnight, and why it's still here, when it was brought on about something so stupid and irrelevant. He has changed my life and I still dream of marrying him. I don't want anything or anyone else. So why am I feeling so confused? There's no one else I want to be with, and I can't imagine being happier without him.
I don't know what I'm waiting for - if I expect some voice to tell me that YES duh, Jamie, you love him! Why can't you see that?! Or if I'm waiting for those butterflies to come back. What is wrong with me? It is driving me crazy and I'm afraid I'll never get back to normal. I feel numb.
I was with my boyfriend for a year, and we broke up when I went to college this past fall. I had always been a "good girl" and I made a lot of stupid mistakes while I was at school, with other guys, etc. My boyfriend was always a part of my life still, and I could not let him go. I came back this summer and he found out about a lot of the horrible things I did, but wanted to take me back and start over. When I came back, I broke down. I felt so much love gush over me and felt so guilty about everything I had done. I started to see a therapist and that helped with the guilt. It was so hard and I went through a lot of horrible times, crying late at night, hating myself. But I moved forward. Everything with my boyfriend was going great and I felt like we were moving forward.
Then one day I randomly thought of something that is normal. I have always been more "turned on" by girls. I have never had a crush on a girl or wanted to do anything sexual with one, but for some reason they turn me on more...like the image of them. When I think about sex, I want it with a guy. Relationships? Guy. But I started to get this feeling like..."Am I bisexual?" So I told my boyfriend about it. He was like, "Uh, ok, that's normal! No big deal." And that was that! It shouldn't have changed anything, but from then on I have felt weird in our relationship. This was about a month ago. Before that I hadn't questioned my feelings for him a bit and now it's like I'm not even sure if I love him. I always felt butterflies and excitement before and I didn't feel it the night after I told him about that. And from then on it's been confusion. Nothing has changed between us, but I feel like I've put up this barrier. You can't just fall out of love with someone in an instant. I have always had a problem with thinking too much and analyzing too much, and I feel like that's what I'm doing. But now I don't even know what I want. He is an incredible man, and my best friend, but it's like I almost feel numb. I don't know what to do. I want to be as certain as I was before. He still makes me laugh and he makes me so happy. Even if I was bisexual, that wouldn't mean I don't love him. Why should one thing that isn't even related to something else change it drastically? And overnight, at that? We've been through thick and thin together, and he's always supported me in life, and encouraged me to follow my dreams (I am a musical theatre major and dream of Broadway). He is my biggest fan and confidant, and I would still take a bullet for him in a heartbeat. I don't want to live a life without him, but I feel numb right now as to what I do want. I'm afraid that this summer has been such an emotional rollercoaster that I can't figure out my feelings. I leave this Saturday for school again, and will be going 3000 miles away again. I was so certain of what I wanted. He makes me happy when I'm with him and is my best friend, and then my brain gets the best of me. I said before that I wanted to spend my life with him and meant it. I am only 19, so I know people will say that's crazy, but I don't care. I don't know why this uncertainty came overnight, and why it's still here, when it was brought on about something so stupid and irrelevant. He has changed my life and I still dream of marrying him. I don't want anything or anyone else. So why am I feeling so confused? There's no one else I want to be with, and I can't imagine being happier without him.
I don't know what I'm waiting for - if I expect some voice to tell me that YES duh, Jamie, you love him! Why can't you see that?! Or if I'm waiting for those butterflies to come back. What is wrong with me? It is driving me crazy and I'm afraid I'll never get back to normal. I feel numb.
