Why am I like this? What's wrong with me?

[ashley8119]

Okay, so this started back in my sophomore year of high school. I used to talk to lots of the guys, never sleep with them or anything, but eventually they all started to fall for me and then when we were about to become official, I decided that I really didn't want to be in a relationship. Then for awhile, it stopped. Then I reconnected with an old friend and we pretty much fell head over heels for each other but things had to end because of a relapse in his cocaine addiction. I've casually dated three guys since the one I fell for, and now I have an upcoming two prospects that I'm started to become interested in. But, I know it's going to be like the rest. I think I'm interested, the guy starts to fall, he asks me out, I suddenly freak out because I don't want a relationship.

I don't understand why I always do this. It's like, I want a relationship until I almost have one, then I totally panic and decide that I don't want one after all. People have tried analyzing this by saying that I'm "afraid" to love, and that's so not the reason. I've loved once before, I'm not afraid of it. I know I will love again someday. I just really don't know why I'm like this. It's kind of annoying.

 

[lazytolove]

I was in relationship with numerous of guys, mostly they don't last long but i never intend to toy with anyone's emotion. Sometimes i do question myself "why it always like that" when i really want to settle down with a guy.

I've talked to a few of my friends and it seems like it doesn't help at all. One of them assumed that because i never love anyone before blah blah. In my own opinion, everybody have a way to love someone. Sometimes you have to let go of a relationship even though you love that person so much. I spent many nights to look for the answer and i guess the reason why i didn't wanna be in a long term relationship because i'm lack of confident. I hope it helps you out a bit.

 

[1165Cheryl]

I read this and had to write....I use to be just like you many years ago. I use to be attracted to someone and once they wanted a relationship I wanted them gone. I too have been in love before and have learned there are different levels of love. My one true love was the kind you see in the movies or read in a book and like you for important reasons we couldnt be together forever. I thought after him that my old behavior would be gone but nope, it came back.

Part of it was being vulnerable with someone, settleing for less when I shouldnt, the men wanting to be with me 24/7 while I'm a very independent woman and need some space and getting burned a few times and having my walls up. I had to work through my personal issues before I could be with anyone which I did.

Today I dont do that anymore but I do have a hard time finding the right person for me. My past couple relationships they would be one person in the beginning but within a few months change. They would give up their hobbies, friends, ect...and want to live my life 24/7 and would also put me on a pedistal which turns me off.

For the past 4-5 years I've been single and am ok with that but it would be nice to meet someone to share my life with. Someone who is strong and independent like me. If not thats OK to since I know i've had true love before and not everyone gets that in there life time.

Do you think might have walls you put up that you dont know about?? The older we get the more that kind of stuff goes away along with really knowing what kind of personality is good for us. Being able to tell the differance between attraction and a real inner connection.

As you can see I could write forever about this....how old are you if you dont mind me asking?

 

[ashley8119]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1165Cheryl I read this and had to write....I use to be just like you many years ago. I use to be attracted to someone and once they wanted a relationship I wanted them gone. I too have been in love before and have learned there are different levels of love. My one true love was the kind you see in the movies or read in a book and like you for important reasons we couldnt be together forever. I thought after him that my old behavior would be gone but nope, it came back. Part of it was being vulnerable with someone, settleing for less when I shouldnt, the men wanting to be with me 24/7 while I'm a very independent woman and need some space and getting burned a few times and having my walls up. I had to work through my personal issues before I could be with anyone which I did. Today I dont do that anymore but I do have a hard time finding the right person for me. My past couple relationships they would be one person in the beginning but within a few months change. They would give up their hobbies, friends, ect...and want to live my life 24/7 and would also put me on a pedistal which turns me off. For the past 4-5 years I've been single and am ok with that but it would be nice to meet someone to share my life with. Someone who is strong and independent like me. If not thats OK to since I know i've had true love before and not everyone gets that in there life time. Do you think might have walls you put up that you dont know about?? The older we get the more that kind of stuff goes away along with really knowing what kind of personality is good for us. Being able to tell the differance between attraction and a real inner connection. As you can see I could write forever about this....how old are you if you dont mind me asking?

I am 20, going to be 21 next month! I thought Kirk ridded me of how I used to be before he came along, but now I'm going back to the same behavioral patterns: talking to guys, getting them to want a relationship with me and then deciding I am no longer interested.

I know what you mean about being independent, so many guys are sooo clingy and get obsessed with me way too fast and even write letters to my mom and sister (via FB) about wanting to be with me forever and
"waiting an eternity" if he had to. He wrote those letters only five days after meeting me. As you can imagine, that really shut me off.

The one before him was a 22-year old alcoholic, and from my relationship with Kirk, I knew that it's just too hard to be with somebody who has a chemical/physical dependency on a substance because when they relapse, it just crushes you.

And the one after that was overly sensitive, I'm a very sensitive female but he was wayyy more sensitive than I am! He had PMS too, cried about nearly *everything*.

It just seems that maybe I'm impossible to please, which doesn't really make sense because I did find exactly what I wanted one time. I have kind of accepted that maybe I'll never have it again. People say I'm 20 and have plenty of time, but I don't know if I'll ever find it.

 

[kaliraksha]

Maybe I am speaking from inexperience, but I feel like when you find someone you can't be without all of these little hang ups will stop mattering. Maybe you haven't found anyone you can't bear to let get away.

You are still young, perhaps you can enjoy the current attention and just try to be as upfront and honest with them as possible? Let them know you want to take things slow and that you aren't looking for love immediately... you want to grow into it.

Also, I feel like I attract "the crazies" sometimes... I've had a few obsessive admirers and that can really scare you off from pursuing relationships... especially because it puts so much pressure on you to feel the same way. You yourself may not be scared of love, but scared to not love in return and hurt someone in the process.

 

[Mabelle]

right after i started dating my bf (like two hours after) i went through a week or so of sheer panic and thinking about backing out. Why? I was afraid i would fuck things up. I would be a shity gf. Things would go badly. Blah blah blah.

Anyway, weve been together for 6 years.
I say, just suck it up and go out with the guy. I know that sounds weird, but it sounds like you just have cold feet about the begining phase of a relationship.

 

[1165Cheryl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ashley8119 I am 20, going to be 21 next month! I thought Kirk ridded me of how I used to be before he came along, but now I'm going back to the same behavioral patterns: talking to guys, getting them to want a relationship with me and then deciding I am no longer interested. I know what you mean about being independent, so many guys are sooo clingy and get obsessed with me way too fast and even write letters to my mom and sister (via FB) about wanting to be with me forever and "waiting an eternity" if he had to. He wrote those letters only five days after meeting me. As you can imagine, that really shut me off. The one before him was a 22-year old alcoholic, and from my relationship with Kirk, I knew that it's just too hard to be with somebody who has a chemical/physical dependency on a substance because when they relapse, it just crushes you. And the one after that was overly sensitive, I'm a very sensitive female but he was wayyy more sensitive than I am! He had PMS too, cried about nearly *everything*. It just seems that maybe I'm impossible to please, which doesn't really make sense because I did find exactly what I wanted one time. I have kind of accepted that maybe I'll never have it again. People say I'm 20 and have plenty of time, but I don't know if I'll ever find it.

LOL, I'm the same way, clingy men turn me off too as do the overly sensitive. I thought for the longest time there was something wrong with me, that I was being to picky or something. What I learned though is everyone is different...some people like that, some dont. Yes, I am stronger then most of my friends and more independent and like my alone time but there are other females with the same traits. Theres nothing wrong with wanting a partner thats stronger or as strong as I. If I dont ever find that person I will be OK with that where as most of my friends are the opposite.

Sorry it took awhile to write back, I had a medical situation and couldnt do much at all for awhile.

You are young and will change over the years, I'm sure different then I was 20 years ago but my inner strenght has always been there. Before I would "try" being with a guy to see if I could "change", now I know who I am and dont bother unless both parties have what each other is looking for.

How about going out and date different people, dont get into a relationship, just have fun. If you meet a guy and see there might be something there long term then get to know him more and try a "relationship". The cool thing about dating is there's no commitment and if your honest & upfront about it then all of the pressure is off. Be friends only, over time you will see the "real" him and can see if he has and visa versa what each other is looking for. Sometimes just having a guy friend is better then having a BF.