Worst moments of my life. Pregnant, alone, abandoned.

[X4biddenxLustX]

So several weeks ago I found out I was pregnant during a visit to the gyna when i gave a urine sample. I had went there originally thinking I had a UTI or something but that test came back clean and I was in for a real shocker when the doctor came in and showed me the paperwork stating my pregnancy test came back positive. I will admit that I was not the most careful person with birth control along with the fact that I had taken 2 rounds of antibiotics back in november/december for an infection from a piercing gone bad.

The father is a guy who I guess I've been on and off with for about 6 years, it wasn't a totally committed relationship but that was due to his decision. He has serious abandonment issues and problems with attachment and before we found out about the pregnancy we were making a lot of leeway to hopefully get to a point where we both could be in a secure committed relationship at one point. I did love him very much and wanted so badly to eventually have a good relationship with him and a future possibly. In the entire 6 years we have been sexual active with one another we have never gotten pregnant and there have been times where again I was either not properly taking the pill (taking it at different times of the day, or forgetting to bring the pack with me when I would change bags, being on antibiotics, etc) where I told him I think we should use condoms. He always refused and claimed that he didn't think he could get me pregnant as we've been having sex for years and nothing has happened yet. I tried but he persisted. I know it's really stupid on my part to still let him have sex with me but I loved this guy and I wanted to make him happy. I had wanted to go on a different type of birth control so that I wouldn't have to worry about taking a pill every day but my gyna who is very old school refused to put me on mirena and really didn't offer me many other choices. I already had tried the nuvaring as an alternative and never liked it during the 2 years I was on and off of it.

When I told him that very day I found out I was pregnant he was in total shock and just couldn't believe it but it was true, yes indeed I was pregnant with his child. He reassured me that he would promise to help me, be supportive of me and that he would not leave me because I was pregnant. He was of course upset and frustrated tho, I mean who wouldn't be in this situation? And for this next part, I would really appreciate it if I would not receive any harsh words or judgement if your beliefs are different from mines but I am adamantly prochoice. Just as the prochoice movement states, I'm not proabortion. I am only for the belief that a women has every right to make decisions regarding her own health, body, future and life. The father & I immediately knew that we at this moment have no other choice than to terminate this pregnancy. We have no means financially to support this baby. I was on various medications during the conception (antibiotics) and was drinking before I found out I was pregnant. Both of our parents would kick us out of our homes and we would literally be homeless with no place to go. He works but he only makes like $9 $10 an hour at his job and I'm not sure he even works full time. I'm not working right now cause I'm a full time student and I took a heavier course load this semester. My parents have a very traditional asian/chinese mindset when it comes to these things and there would be no way they would ever let me live this down or allow for me to stay at their home or accept this child. My mother told me from a very early age on that it was a very awful thing to have premarital sex and especially to get pregnant and that if I ever got myself pregnant before marriage she would be sure to kick me out. She also use to tell me about how in her village in China while growing up, there lived a couple who were not married but had several children together already and were living all together in the same household and they were severely ostracized by their community. At first, I really had no feelings of attachment towards this baby but after awhile I did grow attached and to love it. I'm at a point where it pains me to know that I cannot have it and that I must get an abortion. I just really have no other options and I know that this choice would be the best thing for everyone involved. The father on the other hand has absolutely no attachment at all and tells me repeatedly that there's no point in dwelling on this situation or getting attached.

So I had called a hospital that performs abortions up and scheduled a date to have the procedure done. I was petrified, I have the worse pain tolerance and I have never had any surgical procedures done before. I really wasn't given many options as far as being able to choose between a surgical procedure or taking the pill so I was just scheduled for a surgical procedure. The father and two of my close friends came with me that day. He put on the hugest front ever in front of my friends to be a caring supportive guy. Half of the cost was paid by him and the other half by me. However, I left that hospital that very same day still pregnant. Not because I changed my mind on my decision but because I could not deal with the pain. They had only gotten to the first step with the injections to my cervix and I yelled out in agony, crying and I moved around way too much. I couldn't control it. Everyone decided that it would be best to not continue on as me moving around posed a high risk of injury since they used very sharp instruments for the procedure. The doctor told me that I would need to go to another place that offered heavy iv sedation if I still wanted an abortion. Up until that point I had no idea that iv sedation was even offered for this procedure. I've never been pregnant before. I've never had an abortion before so I had no idea how these things worked and I was just too emotional to even muster up the courage to look up anything related to this online before that day. So I walked out of there out a good bit of money and still pregnant. After my friends leave and me and the father get to the car, he does a total change in personality. He immediately tells me that he does not know what he can do for me anymore and that he cannot pay to have this procedure redone (we received no refund for the first procedure at the hospital even though I did not go through with it). Mind you, we only each paid $140 for this as I qualified for financial assistance and we split the price in half. It's not that much but when your not working and on a very fixed income it is a burden to have to pay, but he works though and receives a steady income regularly. I was in tears because I felt traumatized from my exerpience that day at the hospital and how I was now being treated by the father. While in the car I immediately dialed the phone number for the other clinic the hospital referred me to where they did sedation and made an appointment. The father agreed to take me to the appointment if I kept things private. I was not sure wat he meant by that at that moment and I was so emotional that I was just like sure, yea whatever and agreed. Since this next procedure requires me to be hooked up to an iv with strong medications I will need someone to wait with me and drive me back home so I was really depending on him to help me out.

Just several days ago after being a bit distant me and the father talk online. He tells me that he thinks I'm being very distant with him and I go on to explain to him how exhausted I feel all the time due to being pregnant and having school. That I was still extremely scared about getting the procedure done and how this is all affecting me mentally and emotionally. I then tell him that I will be having a friend of mines with me at the clinic this next visit because I did not want to be alone there while waiting but that I will still need for him to provide me with a ride there and back. Please remember that he did not offer at all to pay for any part of this second procedure even though it's only fair in my eyes that he should but I did not push it. All I expected was for him to be there for me and to provide me with transportation. After hearing that my friend was going to be with me that day he immediately flips out on me and tells me that I will need to find another way to get there since i apparently broke his promise to keep this private. I'm not sure how we can keep it private anymore at this point as most of my close friends already know since there the only ones who are there for me! He says he tries to be there for me but he just fails. We continue to argue and things just get worse. He tells me eventually that he no longer wants anything to do with me anymore because in his eyes I'm way too much trouble and not worth it anymore plus I lie to him and can't keep my promises and all sorts of nonsense. He also tells me that he can't do this procedure for me and that I put myself in this situation and that I now need to woman up and get myself out of it, whatever that means. I stated that we BOTH agreed to have consensual sex with one another and we both knew the risks that come along with having sex, that I did not get on top of myself and impregnate myself. The fight continues on and he tells me bye and that he is now going to block me online. I haven't heard back from him at all.

I'm just completely crushed for so many reasons right now. I'm pregnant with a baby that I absolutely love and already thought of a name for but I can't keep it due to the way things are in my life right now. The procedure scares the hell out of me. I'm completely stressed out with school and I'm struggling to keep up. I'm sick and tired all the time from being pregnant. The man that I spent 6 years of my life with treats me like utter garbage, lies to me and just completely abandons me when I need him the most. I feel so alone. I feel so hopeless. There have been nights where I wanted to honestly just end it all cause that seemed better than living on this way. I legit don't know what to do. I feel like my life went from alright and optimistic about my future and the relationship situation with this guy to complete hell since I've found out I was pregnant.

I go from moments of where I miss him so badly and want to go grab one of his shirts he's left at my house to wanting to burn all the stuff he's left at my house and hoping he drops dead. It pains me to not only have him leave me but to know that he legit does not care AT ALL for this child inside me that's a part of him. Whether or whether not we are keeping this, I feel that he should have some appreciation and love for our baby like I do. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart hurts from breaking.

 

[shadowaddict]

I may be remembering wrong but for some reason as I read this I thought I remembered you posting about him before. If I'm correct he wasn't treating you very well then either. Sorry if I have you mixed up with another post.

I know you love him but honestly I think you are better off without him. He has abused you emotionally, verbally and mentally. If he cannot stand by you and take responsibility and "man up" you are better off without him in your life. As for the whole promise thing I think this is a way for him to control you and blame you. I admit I do not know you or him but I have been in more than one abusive relationship. I dropped out of college and got married when I was 19. A few months later I found out I was pregnant and that was definitely not planned. My hubby was away at basic trining for the National Guard when I found out. I told him on the phone and he was thrilled. After he got back about 3 weeks later he treated me different. It wasn't because of the baby it was that he had never showed his true colors as he treated me like a princess when we were dating. His started trying to control everything about me but I didn't see it back then. He would accuse me of seeing other guys and he was insanely jealous. I didn't have any friends as I had moved back home from college and my high school friends were all away at school. His yelling turned to punching holes in the walls, busting the headboard on our bed, and the list goes on. The physical violence then turned to me. He hit me, pulled my hair til my scalp would bleed, throw me on the floor, slam my head on the floor several times in a row, and more. I had to cover my marks and bruises with makeup or wear long sleeves. He would do this stuff in places I could hide because he knew by then that I wouldn't tell anyone. One time though he did give me a blackeye. So there I was 6 months pregnant and a blackeye from my husband. It took several layers of concealer. But I never saw anyone anyway except my family or go to the store. Things only got worse even after I had my son. To not make this too long I finally left him for good when my son was just over 5 months old. He continued to call me, beg me to come back, offer me all kinds of stuff and as always said he would change and never do those things again. I didn't go back and that made him furious and he started stalking me. I had moved back in with my parents and I of course had to tell them what had gone on as it would come out in court for my divorce. As I expected my daddy was ready to kill him. This is one of the reasons I kept quiet. My father was not to have any stress as he had had a massive heart attack 4 years earlier andwas doing well but fathers aren't going to stand by knowing some guy is or has hit their little girl no matter how old she is. My daddy had another heart attack and passed away just over 5 months from when I left my husband. My father was not a large man and my husband was very into bodybuilding but that didn't stop my daddy from escorting him to his car one day with a baseball bat in his hand when my by then ex-husband stopped by our house to harass me. He pretty much made my life hell even though we were divorced.

I remarried when my son was 4 years old and that was almost 25 years ago. My ex hardly saw his only child, maybe 3 times a year. He saw him enough to fill his head with stupid crap that a child shouldn't be told. Of course I didn't know this at the time. I made excuses for my ex to my son like he has to work and that's why he can't see you, because I didn't want to bad mouth his father to him. My son still has a lot of emotional baggage from the feeling of abandoment and broken promises his dad caused. He also stuggles with anger issues, of course being in Iraq 2 different times for almost a year each didn't help that. He now has a son of his own that is 9 months old. My son tried many times after he turned 18 to have a regular relationship with his dad but he tried to be a "father" to him and try to tell him how to live his life and preach at him. So they would talk and see each other an off and on for years. When my son found out his girlfriend was pregnant and they got married he thought he waould try again with his dad since he was going to be a grandfather and that he found out his dad had recently learned he had cancer and it had spread throughout his body because he refused to go to the doctor when he stated having problems and by now living on borrowed time. He and his mother came when my daughter-in-law had their son and things went pretty well between him and my son. That didn't last long as he started texting and calling my son a gazillion times and then randomly showing up at their house without calling. He's drive almost 2 hours and sometimes they wouldn't be home. This past August he did that and my son didn't invite him in and sat on his porch and talked to his dad. I think he had told my daughter-in-law to take the baby upstairs and he didn't let him see him or he could have lied and told him they weren't there which is likely the case. My son said all his dad talked about was how he had beat up this or that person in his life and he didn't have cancer and so on. My son was furious when he left. He sent me a text that said he sent me an email to read. It was a letter to his dad telling him all his feelings from over the years, about how he was never there for him and such. He told his dad not to call or text him to reply to please send a letter. Well that was August 27th and my son never heard from his dad. My daughter-in-law told me he would say my dad is already dead to me and then just stopped talking about it. Well my son sent me a text on Jan 8th that simply said "------(his name not dad) died tonight at 6 I don't want to talk for a couple of days" The way he found out was that my ex's second wife who had always been great to my son called him and she found out through a friend of hers who saw a post on Facebook about it. Not one person in his dad's family called to tell my son that his dad had passed away or had been in the hospital 3 weeks before he died. My ex was so damn selfish he didn't choose to make peace with his son or see his grandson for over 4 months knowing he had limited time left so he never saw or talked to them again. He died alone and no one really cared except his family. After he had gone so long without contacting my son I didn't care if he dropped dead. I know that's a cold thing to say and never thought I would about anyone but my children are my top priority.

Just so some it makes a little sense about his other ex. He remarried a few months after I did when he realized I wasn't going back to him. They stayed married for 16 years. She told me after they split he started getting physical with her toward the end but all the other abuse for quite some time. She has always been like a second mom to my son and they still stay in contact and she and I do as well. He married a 3rd wife a bit after and they were married just a short time. She had him arrested. He told the previous wife that it was because he tore her nightgown. But she said what she thinks happened was that he was yelling at her and she turned to walk away and grabbed her and that's how her nightgown got torn, not sure if he hit her or not. So in the end he left a trail of 3 abused wives and son.

The reason I'm telling you this (besides my rambling) is that the way he is treating you now is probably the best it will get overall unless he does a major turn around. But if he's not in every way there for you now knowing how you are hurting that may be a hint at what a future might be with him. Your hormones are sending you on an emotional rollercoaster ride. I honestly don't think he deserves you and as hard as it is given that you guys have been together, at least off and on for 6 years makes it even harder. I'm sure after all that time you have become used to his ways good and bad and that has become the norm for you. Thinking of moving on without him probably scares the hell out of you especially now with all your emotions swirling out of control. I mean there were good times with my ex but it didn't take long before the abuse happened so often there weren't too many good times, and that's just the physical abuse. The other was ongoing and became so much a part of my life that I wasn't even "me" anymore. I have always been a strong person and never would have dreamed I would have stayed with someone treating me that way as long as I did. But he had control over my emotions and since I loved him so much I made excuses in my head for the way he treated me even though I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I had no self esteem left and I didn't look anyone in the eye. Sorry I know my writing has skipped and jumped from one thought to another.

And about your pregnancy this of course has to be your decision. I mean that. It is your body and life not his and he has shown you how much support you're going to get from him. I also deeply believe it is a woman's right to make her own choices for her self and her body. My view is that if a woman chooses to tell the father of her baby if she decides to terminate the pregnany is totally up to her. Going through with the pregnancy would not affect him or his life but absolutely change everything for the woman and who is to say if he'd even stick around for the long haul. I also believe and this will probably anger some people that a person truly doesn't know what they would do in any particular situation until they find themselves in it so I try not to judge anyone. You have to do what is right for you. Don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel guilty no matter what you end doing. I just found out about 15 years ago that my sister had an abortion when she was 18 so that was like in 1972 or73. She is 8 years older than me so I was only 10 at the time and didn't know anything. She has told me many times she doesn't regret it at all and that was the best decision for her. She never told the guy. She had just before that found out that he had a girlfriend back home and I don't think he treated my sister all that great anyway, maybe not abused her but still not a good boyfriend. The college was in the town we lived in and he was from another a few hours away. My sister got married a couple of years later to a great guy in 1975 and they are still going strong. They chose not to have kids. She was the oldest and took care of us so much I tell her she already helped raise kids and that's why. But nah they just wanted to have their own life. She was a school teacher for many years and then left when they were doing well financially so they could pick up and go on a trip anytime. they want and they do. I think women have to do what they feel is best for them and to try to think what the future might hold for them as well as the child as far as the father is concerned. He will have large impact good or bad. I have often wished my ex had never been a part of my son's life at all. He saw him just enough to screw with his head. But then again my son still would have the issue of knowing his father didn't care enough to have anything to do with him.

Is there somewhere that offers free objective counseling? It would be nice for you to sit down with someone that will not try to tell you what to do but help you through what you are feeling. I hope that you have some good friends that will stand by you and give you emotional support through all of this and be by your side through the procedure. Maybe one of them will let you use their shoulder to have a good cry. I know you've been crying a ton but to have a girlfriend there for you might help.

I wish you all the best Sweetie. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. Please let us know how you are doing and come on here to just let your feelings out if you want to.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing a personal life story that must of been hard to talk about to practically a stranger. I am glad you were able to get out of that horrendous relationship with your ex. I'm sorry your son had to go through the emotional turmoil his entire life with dealing with his absentee and sorry excuse for a father. I'm also sorry that you had to put up with the abuse he put you through even after your marriage ended.

I just don't understand how some men are so selfish to bring a life into this world and not have any true concern for their children. I've always thought that a child is the best part of both parents and should be treated as a cherished gift. Even though I'm not keeping this little angel inside me, I absolutely love him or her already. I cry some nights knowing that Aston (the name I picked out) won't be with anymore after this Saturday when I go to the clinic. I had seen a half asian half white baby earlier today while I was coming home from school and it broke my heart as it just makes me think of my own baby. The father is a European mix with a little bit of Turkish in him and I'm Chinese and I always thought that our children would of been absolutely gorgeous. It sounds odd but I really wish I had a crystal ball or something that I could look into that could show me my child as a baby, growing up, etc. I know I'm dwelling on this too much but I mean how can I not? I already feel like my baby is a huge part of me. I get a little upset and correct people when they call it a fetus as it is my baby to me. During the last procedure that I was suppose to have done I was very adamant about receiving a sonogram picture. I've kept it in a safe place away so it can't get lost or found by anyone in my household. I showed several close friends of mines the picture and they all noticed how I lit up showing them it and how happy I looked but that soon turned into sadness cause I knew what was to come.

Last night I did cry a little bit thinking about the father. It just hits me at certain moments throughout the day and the night that he's just no longer there anymore. Your totally right in saying that I've just gottten very use to him almost like a routine over the years. We spent a lot of time together at my house mostly. Which really sucks cause well that's where I live and I'm here all day when I'm not out at school or with a friend. I still have two shirts of his that he gave to me about a month ago so that I could have something of his next to me when I miss him. I've really thought about burning them as a symbolic way of burning the bridges between us. I feel loneliest when I lay in bed realizing that he's not here anymore to hold me. I try to keep myself occupied and off the subject of him but he still lingers through. It drives me insane and yes my hormones are insane and have been lately. I tried explaining to that him after we found out I was pregnant when we would have little arguments. I'm tired both physically and mentally, sick a lot of the time and feel fat as ever and it just drives me over the edge when he does things that irritate me or picks on me about stuff or just isn't there for me. His excuse he used as to why he doesn't need to or want to be there all the time for me was that we weren't in a committed relationship and simply good friends. That may of been the case but we were still in a relationship of some sort that went way beyond just friends or even good friends. He would tell me he loved me several months before we found out we were pregnant up until we got into a fight and he felt like he needed to back off away from me a bit and take things day by day so he says. I truly think that if he ever did love me (which I highly doubt it now looking back at how awful he treated me) that he fell out of love with me once he found out I was pregnant and especially when I didn't go through with the first procedure. It makes me feel like total shit like I'm worthless or something or that I'm completely unloveable. Back last summer when we were "off" and he was just distant with me for his own weird reasons and I really thought that he moved on, I had a short fling with a younger guy. It was pretty intense but he ended up doing what men always do to me - leaving me and ending up with another younger girl. But me and him have started talking again as friends as he has a girlfriend and he has been actually very nice to me. I even got to the point where I confided in him about the situation about my pregnancy and ex and my decision in the matter. I was expecting him as a younger less mature guy who has no interest vested in me anymore to just get weirded out and leave me alone. But so far he's proved me wrong. We've been texting almost all day for the past several days and its just normal conversation to get my mind off of things or to keep me company so I don't go crazy. It just fucks with my head that a guy that I had a short fling with in the summer who has a girlfriend of his very own is being nicer to me than the father of my child and the guy I spent years and years with! Like what kind of sense does that make at all?!

My friends have been amazing during these trying times to me. My best friend whose family is practically like my second family said that I was welcome to stay at her place if I needed a place to stay to get away from it all for a little bit or if I needed someone to talk to they would be there. My other best friend's boyfriend is offering to take me to the clinic and pick me up this saturday. I did have a childhood friend of mines at first give me hell about my decision to terminate but eventually realized that it was a decision that I had to make and that it became harder for me to go through as I've grown closer to the baby. She was there holding my hand during the first procedure and totally helped me get dress and walk back to the waiting room as I was in a lot of pain. But I do agree that I should probably see a counselor about this. I've told the clinic that I would like to be referred to some counseling services after I get the procedure to help me heal emotionally.

Im just getting more and more nervous as Saturday comes closer. I'm nervous about the procedure itself, the pain, recovery, how I'll feel afterwards, and just everything. I've considered going on a trip if my recovery goes well and I don't need to take any time off from school. I want to get the hell out of Pittsburgh. The gloomy weather here right now isn't helping either. Plus I've been thinking alot about my future now than before. I've looked more into the crazy idea of transferring out of state for university as I'm getting most of my basic class credits at a community college here right now. I don't plan on transferring out until next spring so I still have time. My ex always knew that my heart was never in Pittsburgh and that I always wanted to get out of here. He gave me a lot of issues with it and the idea of me leaving here bothered him a lot. I was really considering staying here for good if I had to to be with him if we had a future together but I guess since that's changed now I can kind of do whatever I want. I don't feel tied down anymore in that regards. There's really not much here for me to stay for except some good friends but I can always come back and visit often. I just at this moment really feel the need to end a old chapter in my life and start a new one, a more positive one hopefully. I'm probably overthinking all of this but I don't know, I just need something optimistic to hold on to or else I'm going to go completely crazy.

 

[sweetbabyblue]

I agree with Shadowaddict; I'm sorry that he left at the time you're most at need of someone, but it honestly sounds like he's not the type of guy you want around for the long haul. I think you are better off without him.
While I do not have firsthand experience myself, my best friend also went through an abortion a few years ago because she was not in a position to have a child, care for it especially also being a student raised in a chinese family where she would also be kicked out of the house if they knew she was pregnant. She went through with it, under anaesthesia. She also grew a little attached to her baby, she named hers Alicia and definitely felt more attached to the baby than her then bf and father of the baby. I think it's a maternal attachment because the baby is growing inside you. Fathers may not feel as close to the child because he still feels separate to it. That's my 2cents anyway.
While my friend cried over the loss of what could have been her child, she doesn't regret her decision at all. Given that she and her bf broke up not long after, she could have ended up a single mother without a job or a home. She was not prepared to give up everything for her baby at the time.

It's ultimately your decision whether you choose to keep your baby or not, I absolutely understand your fears about the procedure and the pain. I myself have a serious phobia of needles and usually need to take a valium before I get my injections. However, short term pain vs life long consequences.

I wish you the best, please keep us updated. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, as cliche as it sounds. You're welcome to come to us if you want to talk.

 

[Babylard]

Hi sweetie, I'm really sorry to hear ;( I have no real advice except to learn from the past and do whatever you can to take those pills properly. I set an alarm on my cellphone and keep my pills in my wallet or make up bag where I will always have it with me. It is your body and you are in charge. If he doesn't want to use condoms and you aren't comfortable with it, you could just say no. My previous bf was the same too. I think you'll be even more miserable if you don't get the abortion done. I've been through tons of pain killers, IVs, surgery etc so I understand your fear of the pain. I litterally lived with a wire hanging out of my stomach. However, it is short term and later on you'll feel better and be glad it was over and done with. I hope things will work out for you and I feel for you. He's a real douche. Don't look back after its all over and I'm sure you'll meet someone better who will treat you right. Love is one thing and being mistreated is another. My previous bf was cheating on me and he treated me quite poorly at times, but I could never leave him. I honestly wish you well and hope things could turn out for you. If I could make it out of all that, I believe you can too. Believe in yourself and I hope you can find the strength to push through. Life is cruel. ;( *hugs* You can do it

 

[shadowaddict]

I haven't been on here in a few days but I have been thinking about you and praying for you. I want you to be able to move on from all of this and the past 6 years with a guy who clearly does not deserve you. I'm not saying to just get over it. What I mean is to take time to mourn the loss you may/probably feel, cry or whatever you need to do to help you heal from the emotional and physical turmoil your body is and has been going through. I really hope you can find some free counseling to help you be able to put all of this in a special place in your heart and I don't mean forget about about it all because well that's impossible for someone who is as loving and caring as I feel you are by reading your posts. There is so much emotion coming through your writng I can't imagine that isn't real. I hope you are able to not let it affect you negatively for the rest of your life as you made the right choice for you and your unborn child. You should not feel guilty or anything like that about a decision you felt was the best one given the situation.

Having a child means major changes in all things in life as you know it before having a baby. And it appears you would've had to do it all by yourself. I applaud you for giving this decision so much thought and feeling. there are far too many young women (well not just the young) who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy and have all these illusions of how their life will be with a baby. But most of their thoughts are not the reality of it all. I can't think of any words at the moment to express how beyond hard it is for all new moms but when you are young, have little money, no help and the biological father an absent and complete ass.

I am so glad you have people around you to talk to and not shut yourself off from the world. When you do this it's an invitation for depression to pounce on you and if it slams you hard enough that's a very deep black hole to climb out of. I feel it is best for you to not have any contact with your ex at all. If he calls don't answer, ignore texts, and if pops over do not go to the door. If you feel you need to "officially" end it with him once and for all do it by text and simply tell him you're done with him and to never contact you again in any way. And yeh I'd probably burn anything you have of his. If nothing else as a symbol to yourself that you will not let anyone treat you like he did. You are better than that. Set your standards high and if a guy doesn't meet them you don't need him in your life. You are in school and have goals for yourself to give you a great future and don't need anyone around to drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself or less than you are.

Please check in with us and let us know how you're doing.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Thank you ladies. Sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I've been very exhausted and having a lot of stuff with school to do.

But Saturday I had the procedure done. It was kind of a surreal experience. The night before I felt like abnormally detached from everything including my baby and same with Saturday. Everyone was really great and nice to me. My friends came and my one friend's boyfriend was the driver who picked me up and drove to the the clinic and picked me up after the procedure was done. I was really scared when I got to the clinic still about the procedure but I was asleep for it so I didn't feel anything. The first attempt to do the iv sedation didn't work out as the catether had infiltrated and it was extremely painful in my arm. So they had to redo the iv in my hand and decided to immediately start the medicine so that I would fall asleep. Next thing I know Im being woken up and told that everything was done and that it all had went well. I was wheeled into the recovery room and stayed there for a while before they let me out to sit down with my friend while waiting for my ride to come. I really haven't had much pain or bleeding suprisingly from it.

I spent the rest of that day at my one friends house until my dad came to pick me up from there after work that night. Her family was really great to me. Her mom made sure that we had some homecooked food to be able to heat up once we got back from the clinic to eat. We just layed around eating and watching movies and tv together like any other normal day to hang out. I really didn't think too much about what had all taken place earlier that day.

One thing I wasnt counting on though was the feeling of still being pregnant to still be here...I know it's prob gonna still feel this way for a while now. But it's really not making it easy on me. My boobs are sore. I'm still bloated. I'm moody. Nauseous still. And it all makes me think about my baby. Like against better judgement I do occasionally go online and look at sonogram pictures of babys in the womb around 9-10 weeks which is where I would of been now. I just see little outlines of a head, body, legs, arms. And it kills me. I miss my little one. I can't get through a class at school feeling okay. I just want to walk out or stay home. On top of that I'm still a bit sick from something I picked up last Thursday from my brother. I took a test today in intro to chem and Im pretty sure I screwed up on everything. My heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't regret my decision at all. I knew it was the right one from the very start. Again, I'm not ready and my child deserves so much better than a college drop out mother living on the streets with no money, no future. I just hate the timing that this happened and the circumstances.

The father did end up contacting me the night of the procedure asking me how I was doing. We did end up talking for a bit and its been mostly about everything that ever went wrong ever between us. I know its not a good idea to talk to him. It just really brings up the fact that we had so many problems between the two of us. He keeps bringing up the fact that I'm never really happy and I've never really ever been happy. And it's true. I mean things could be better even before all of this happened but I wasn't happy. It's not exactly completely because of the situation with him. But it's a lot of things. And I now feel like on top of all of that I now have this to deal with. It just brings me down even lower than before.

 

[abbyquack]

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience with us. You have had to make some very difficult decisions, but it sounds like the ones you have made are the right ones for you. I am sure you will some day be a wonderful mother, but now is not the right time, and sadly, this man is not the right man for you, nor does it sound like he would realistically be able to responsibly father a child.

Looking forward, I know it is hard to "quit" someone, especially considering your extensive history with him; However, I know you deserve better. If you ever feel you can't love anyone like you do him, or won't find anyone who loves you like he does, remember that love is resilient, and it regenerates! You will probably fall in love several times over in your life, each time just as hard as the time before. Don't settle for anything but the best!

 

[shadowaddict]

Hi, I'm so glad you posted. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Knowing you're probably around my daughter's age (23) makes me worry about you. I've lent my shoulder and ear to some of my kid's friends when they were going through a difficult time and felt they couldn't talk to their parents and offer any adive that might help. But I was never one of those irresponsible parents that allowed kids to drink and God knows what else at my house. Ok back on topic, yes I am quite ADD, you should see the look on my husband's face when my daughter (ADD also) and I are talking because we jump from one thing to another so fast we never end up finishing what we started. Anyway I'm really glad you got through everything ok at least physically and that you were not alone and thank goodness you were knocked out for it all. I've had trouble before with IV's and it freaks me out. I can deal with seeing blood and that stuff but I freakin hate IV's.

Does your family suspect anything or did they figure it out with you not feeling well? I can't remember if you said you lived with them or not.

Give yourself a little time for your hormones to get back to normal. That will help with being sore, feeling sick and tired all the time and feeling moody. I'm guessing you're feeling in general your whole body is completely out of whack given your hormones and emotions all over the place. And don't feel wierd about going online and looking at pics and all. I think that is still your body thinking it's pregnant. You've gone through a lot in a short amount of time so give yourself a break. Be proud that you dealt with all of this in a very responsible way. You knew your options, you assessed your situation, and your ability to provide for and raise a child alone and with little resourses. There are a hell of a lot of women out there of all ages that find themselves in the same situation and do not think it through at all no matter which path they take. I hope my daughter would do the same if she was faced with this. If she decided to told me I would in no way try to persuade her in any particular direction. That would be her decision but I would support her in whatever she decided. But I think she would terminate because she has said many times and for years that she doesn't want to have kids. Oddly she says that if she ends up with a guy that already has kids that's ok or even adopt but she just doesn't want to have any.

My daughter's friend has a little sister that's 17 and found out she was pregnant over Christmas break and as soon as she told her mother she said you will not have an abortion. I thought wow, this is your daughter's life and you're not going to let her have a say. She's a sophomore in high school and her mom is is giving her no choice in something as big as this and will affect her whole life. So here she is not in school. She didn't want to go back for spring semester. I just think that's sad. She's a smart girl and makes really good grades and has such potential. I think at her age it would have been good to go to planned parenthood or somewhere to talk to someone objective and explain to her calmly all her options so she could think it through and ask any questions without being judged. And to make things worse her mom is not in a good place emotionally right now. She found out several months ago that her husband of 27 years has been cheating on her and she was already taking med for depression. My daughter said she hardly comes out of her room. I know the family pretty well and when I ask my daughter how the girl is doing she says she doesn't talk about it. They will all sit and watch movies but she says nothing about being pregnant, like it's not real or something. I guess this 17 year old girl who is the baby of 4 as I am and has no clue of how to care for a child will be handed her baby in the hospital and have this "what do I do with it" look on her face. Maybe her dad can help when he's not out fooling around and the boy who is 17 also, if he sticks around. Yep I jumped off topic again. But this kind of crap makes me mad. I mean her parents are both very well educated so it's not like they're out in the sticks and know nothing about the world we live in. And since their daughter came to them and told them as soon as she found out I think they could have handled it way better than they did. To me the fact that she told them right away seems like she was looking to them for support and to talk with her to help her sort it all out, not to be judged and yelled at and told what she must do.

As far as not feeling happy before all of this and not all of it having to do with your ex you may need to see someone about depression and maybe taking an anti-depressant. I've been on them for quite some time and they really have helped. It takes a bit for them to start working but usually fairly quickly. When I look back knowing what I do now to when I was a teen I can see that I was probably depressed then also. I wasn't super sad all the time but I can see some of it there. But back in the 70's no one talked about that stuff and I didn't know anything about it. In my late 20's I started having random panic attacks that scared the hell out of me. I finally got to a good dr and on medication. A while after I started seeing him he thought I was depressed and suggested I go on medication for it. I knew I was by then because I read so much about panic and anxiety but I didn't want to take them. I held off for a few years but then I knew I needed to go ahead. I hope you are able to check into it and see if that may be it. There's a lot of good info online you can read also.

The mom in me thinks you should steer clear of your ex. I know it's easier said than done. I've been there, of course a long time ago. I hope after you guys talked it out you decided to put the relationship to rest once and for all. Even for me when my mom was trying to tell me this one guy was not good for me and I'd argue with her and defend him I knew deep down she was right. I didn't see it that way at the time but a few years after I broke up with him I realized she saw him for what he was. I was looking at him with blurred vision because I cared for him so much. I hope me saying this doesn't upset you but I think it was rather cowardly of him to wait till that night after it all to contact you. In my opinion if he really cared he would've called at the latest the day before. I'm sorry but the timing makes it look like he just wanted to make sure you went through with it. But I realize I don't know him and perhaps that isn't a fair statement. I think he does care about you but he didn't have the balls to be there for you when it mattered the most. I think after 6 years together, even if it was off and on, the shitty way he treated you knowing the hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally you were and are going through then that's a deal breaker. I guess you can tell I'm very protective of my kids. If someone treats them bad I get all mama bear. Even though they're grown they know I've always got their back. So I hope you understand where I'm coming from and that I'm not being all judgemental.

Please let us know how you are doing. And if you think you did poorly on that assignment maybe you could talk to the prof and tell him/her you were sick or make something up and he/she may give you shot at it. I always tell my kids it never hurts to ask, all they can say is no and your no worse off than before. But you may get lucky and be able to improve your grade.