...You asked for all of it...

[xxManBeaterxx]

Thinking about separating from my husband but i don't want him to think i want a divorce.

Recently we've been fighting a lot but it all started to fall apart on my birthday. It was on sunday, when he came home from work at 2pm i asked him if he had any surprises for me for the night that way i could get my parents to babysit. He told me no, i was a bit dissapointed and it showed. He later confronted me and asked me, "what do you want from me?" I said i wanted you to spoil me on this one day do something special, you know... He went on to say what more do you want from me? I work 7 days a week for you so you can have everything you want. All my money its yours. All my time its yours. I come home from work and i'm always with you, how much more special can it get, the house, the money (financial freedom), you asked for all of it. You want something here take it go shopping, and he went on to throw his wallet at me. I couldn't say anything, I just walked out the door and took a walk.

I don't understand why he's like this, he was never the type of guy to hide stuff from me. In my defense I've worked full time since the start (all though i don't make as much as him i do bring in $22 an hour), i'm graduating in 2 weeks with my PharmD degree i'll be making a lot more now.

We became teen parents and i gave birth to twins last year but somehow we made it together. I'm 24 hes turning 26. He's been working 60 hours a week for 4-5 years and up until now i thought he loved his job. He's a real estate broker/developer so he can make his own hours since he's his own boss.

Maybe he just needs a break from all of it and i'm willing to give him all the time he needs now that i'll be making decent money to support us but i'm afraid of loosing him. I don't know what to do.

We got into another argument an hour ago when i told him i missed the old him. He just said fuck you. *sigh*

 

[Sojourner]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I think something must be stressing him bad for him to act like this. I'm not excusing his behaviour but really you need to ask him why he's so pissed with you...it's hard to give any more advice based on what you said because really it could be anything that's making him act this way...do you have any inkling as to what's cause this change? Is it purely the money/earning thing?

 

[makeba]

Based on what you said I feel for you but please dont take this the wrong way okay. The things he mentioned to you about what he does, does he do them? He could be overloaded and tired (maybe). Why not do this. Make dinner or get the food he likes, get a babysitter and you both talk it out. I mean talk about everything and allow him to express himself. The reason I say get a babysitter is becuz if some unkind words or shouting happens then the kids are not around to hear it. trust me I think my kids have a few scars from the shouting me and my husband did in the past. I wish you the best.

 

[kimmy]

i like makeba's suggestion. it's easy for us as ladies to want to be treated like a princess every now and then...it's much harder for our men to make it happen though. if he is working so many hours and he is giving you all his time when he gets home, you've already got alot more than most women have.

i've been there, i've done that. it took me a long time to see how hard it was on my boyfriend when i was so demanding. i wanted 100% of his attention 100% of the time. i expected random nights out and flowers every once in a while because when we started out, that's what i had. but things change.

after more yelling matches than i'd even like to count, i can give him his space. there were a few times that i didn't think things were going to work out because i didn't want to give up any ground and neither did he. it took a night just to ourselves to talk things out, and we were able to find common ground.

still, sometimes it's hard but we work through it. you'll be fine i think as long as you talk to him in a calm manner and go in with an open mind.

 

[abbyquack]

I'm kind of in a similar situation. My husband doesn't show any affection or do anything romantic. I really miss the days when he would want to cuddle or hold hands or whatever. And when I try to tell him how I feel, he acts like it is a big burden. It is so frustrating when you can't seem to get through to your spouse.

I will give you the same advice I gave another poster- get counseling. It really helps to talk to someone who can help you walk through it all. If after that, maybe separation will be an option. We have been doing a little counseling and in just like 2 sessions, it has helped tremendously. We are not out of the woods yet- still have tons to work on but I think it's worth trying before you peace out.

Good luck!

 

[LC]

this is so sad

i'm sorry to hear this, i hope it gets better for you

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you babe *hugs*!

Now I don't know the exact complete situation obviously with you and your husband but I think that maybe you telling him right now that you may want to separate may send him off the edge. From the way you told us he reacted and the things he said, he may right now take things the wrong way. It does seriously sound like he's very exhausted mentally and physically and very stressed too. It sounds a lot like how my father who works regularly 12+ hour shifts 6 days a week and makes barely anything feels after he's come home from work at times. He use to only occasionally mention how he truly felt about his work situation but lately it's been really getting to him. Things maybe okay and managable to deal with it for a certain amount of time but later on they sometimes become too much. It's possible that the 4-5 years he's been working like crazy are finally starting to really get to him. Maybe maybe not. But you won't find out til you get some time to talk about it alone. Like makeba was saying maybe you should treat him on some sort of a "date" where he gets pampered to show him how much you appreciate him and how hard he works to support you and your family. Because by the way he sounds he seems to be showing a bit of feeling unappreciated. This date can also help relax the mood and make him more willing to talk about what's been on his mind lately also.

 

[Cydonian]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this -- I'm responding without reading other responses, so sorry if I repeat anything someone else has said.

Some guys, actually people, don't know how to show affection. I've dated guys that were as sweet as could be when it came to buying things, giving me whatever I wanted, but couldn't plan for my birthday or remember our anniversary for anything. Some people use money to replace affection. I won't go into the psychological side of it as you may not believe in any of that stuff -- but there's mental reasons for it.

My father is the same way -- he'll buy you anything you want, spoil you to death, but getting an apology from him? Impossible.

I don't want to advocate just divorcing him -- but if you're unhappy, do something about it. Ask to go to counseling (which helped a similar couple I know, reversed gender roles however). It's obvious you two need help to work through your problems. Hearing from you that he's not affectionate enough won't work -- he sees you as someone he already "gives everything" to. A neutral 3rd party is the better way to go on this.

Just my two cents... I hope things work out and good luck to you.

 

[nichollecaren]

the 5 Love languages, by Gary Chapman. I promise it will save your marriage.

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

Im really sorry about your situation. I completely understand where you are coming from. Birthdays are very important. Is your hubby stressed out because of the economy? Have you tried counseling? I dont think you should move out or split up unless you try therapy. Then if that doesnt work, you should both take some time away from each other. My fiance tries to throw money in my face too. We are not fricken prostitutes who got married just for money. You deserved to get treated like a queen on your special day. Happy late birthday doll!

 

[s_lost]

I'm so sorry that you're passing through this.

I agree with some of the comments. Your husband must be exhausted, counselling is a good idea...

But nothing justifies throwing his wallet at you or saying fuck you! If he doesn't respects you, he's wrong, period. Respect is the basis for a sucessfull mariage.

It's difficult to be a young couple with children, but both parts should work it out. You didn't deserve this, he's not the only that mad sacrifices, I'm sure.

Best of luck!

 

[LMD84]

i'm sorry that you are going trhough such a stressful time right now. perhaps because he is working so much he is very stressed, and then your dissapointed to no surprises was enough to send him over the edge perhaps?

i'm not at all saying you deserved to be spoken to like that or treated like that in any way. but please take his feelings into account. my hubby has been working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week for the past 3months. i've not spent any quality time with him and i've certaintly not got any surprises or nights out from him. But i know he is doing all of it for us to give us a better life.

if a break is really what you want then perhaps you should sit down with your hubby and have a good quality chat. don't let things break into an argument - if they do walk away and get a drink and then sit down to chat again. perhaps he is feeling taken for granted and you are feeling negleted and rejected. you may be surprised to find that he'll be shocked that you want to break for a while and this may make him realise that there are some things he could do differently. and you too many find out how he is really thinking.

please keep us updated and i hope things go ok for you no matter which direction you go in.