A girl from the past......

[Dizzyray822]

Hi Everyone,

Well....last January my husband accidentally left his email logged on and i snooped a little. Okay....so i didnt think i would find anything since i thought we were doing great. We had only been married like a year and a half.

Well...I found emails that had been written back and forth within the past year to a girl tht seemed to be from his past. He wrote things to her like how he remembered that one night that they had and how he wants to ravage her again and other pretty explicit things. She was encouraging him to work things out with his wife (me) and that he should get these bad thoughts out of his head of cheating and all. Well....when i confronted him he first kinda denied it, then he said he was sorry and said it was nothing but "just stupid emails." He said it meant nothing that he was just fooling around and that he hadn't seen her or even talked to her on the phone since we had been together. He ended up deleting all the emails before i had a chance to read more, which is good or bad i dont know...but....i dont know.

Well...that was six months ago and I can not trust him at all. I dont know if i feel the same for him anymore. I just dont know what I feel for him. To top it off...my husbands mother (my mother-in law) just found out that his father (my father in law) had been cheating on her for like their whole marriage. ANd honestly....i think my husband (thier son) knew what his father was doing. SO is he going to end up just like him???? It is just AWFUL!!!!!!

We never really talked it through like we should have or got counseling. I cant let it go....i'm still really hurt!!!!!

I just and so torn because i do care about this man, but i am only 21 and I have my entire life ahead of me. Do i really want to live in a relationship like this the rest of my life??? Its so new and already we have so many problems.

What do you think?????

 

[Shimmer]

Get counseling. From an objective party. If he won't go, go by yourself, to try to deal with what you're feeling. :/

 

[RoseMe]

I dump my ex bf when I found out his flirtatious email exchanges with his "friends".

 

[Shimmer]

There's a huge difference between a boyfriend and a husband...Aside from the fact that marriage is obviously important enough to the parties involved to actually take the step and DO it, there are also a whole slew of legal ramifications for just 'dumping' a husband.
This isn't saying that there's anything wrong with not being married, nor is it saying that a marriage is a more valid relationship than any other type, simply saying that for a person in that situation, just 'dumping' him usually isn't an option like it would be otherwise.

 

[Dizzyray822]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Get counseling. From an objective party. If he won't go, go by yourself, to try to deal with what you're feeling. :/

I went to a counselor but i feel like they kind of just listen, you know? I mean i know they cant give you all the answers but i just feel like in relationships there are so many unanswered questions, well....at least in mine. I mean....who knows what really happened or what might still be happening or what could happen. I never worried though and was so happy until then.

Thanks you for "listening" and for your advice.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Counseling. It takes time for them to actually be effective. If you don't feel like they're giving you what you want, you should talk to your therapist about that.

I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to going to a therapist (for personal matters). It takes several sessions for you to actually make progress, but they can't figure out patterns and your true emotions when they first meet you

 

[makeup_wh0re]

The same thing happened to me but the situations harder b/c we have a son together. If he is going to do that I think you should get rid of him, before things get more complicated. The only reason I am trying to work things out now is b/c I want to try to make it work so my son won't have to go through b.s. if he doesn't have to. I know you guys are married, but if it was that short of time, you should get rid of his ass. You deserve someone who will treat you respectfully.

 

[user79]

I don't think you should dump your husband over some emails, I think you should try to work out the marriage and see what deeper issues lie around this. Maybe get some marriage counseling.

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

I would say try to work it out. My boyfriend did kind of the same thing and it's been awhile now but I still have a little bit of trust issues with him (it was more than emails though..)

I second/third/fourth the counseling, but make sure you find one you like! Of course you can't expect results in the first session, but if time goes by and you're still not really feeling your therapist, go to a new one IMO. But you should BOTH be going not just you.. it doesn't really make sense or help if you're working to go and get help and he doesn't. If he doesn't want to go and work things out with you together, than IMO it's not really worth it..

 

[Dizzyray822]

Thank you all so much for your input. I really appreciate. I think counseling may help. He just seems so arrogant about it at times i wonder if its worth it. But time will tell.


Thanks again for "listening."

 

[kaliraksha]

Everyone has their own limits and maybe that's something counceling would help with. It may help you figure out what you, personally, are ok with and able to get over or willing to forgive. I'm sure I've said this before- but if you both truly want to work it out then I believe you can. At the end of the day just be true to yourself- give it your best and dont go past your limit of what you can take then if there isn't improvement, I would personally leave.

I assure you that somewhere deep down there are underlying problems beyond fantasies and counceling will hopefully help you tackle that problem.

 

[OhSweetJane]

Quote:

What do you think?????

I think your husband is a lying, cheating, piece of shit.

Since I try to be as insightful as I am insulting, here is how I know for sure...

You know what I think is a big indication that your husband is deceptive and will probably cheat on you if he hasn't already?

Nothing in his behavior indicates to me that he is sorry at all for what he did to you. He obviously doesn't take the fact that he hurt you seriously because he probably doesn't even think he did anything wrong. That's why he's behaving like an arrogant prick.

He was lying and denying those emails! And then when he realizes he's caught up, he brushes it off and says they were just some "stupid emails".

Hold up. First, they didn't exist and now they're stupid? Riiiight. If they were just harmless stupid emails, then why did he delete them all before you had a chance to read them? He was obviously hiding something. It's called destroying the evidence, you cheating fucker.

Shit, if it was me I would've printed those emails and forwarded them to my divorce attorney and to my brothers so they could beat his ass.

Should you decide to go the physical route, don't bother with his ex!

Because apparently between your husband and his ex, SHE is the one who was encouraging your husband to work things out with you.

You know what that tells me? That tells me that he talked shit about you to that girl. He obviously can't discuss his marital problems with HIS WIFE, but he can tell some chick your business but he can't go to counseling with you? PLEASE.

What if this chick didn't turn him down and she WAS interested in your husband's SEXUAL advances toward her? What if they were having a sexual relationship and then what? What kept him from "ravaging" her again? Does she live far away? Was she in a relationship?

Oh, and another thing! You were ONLY married a year and a half when you found out this was happening! "Found out" being the operative phrase. Who knows how long it had really been going on or how long it would have continued had you not confronted him?

He had been writing back and forth to her for the past year.

Really?! It was going on for THAT LONG?!

Again, didn't you just get married?

If he's already pulling this shit in the first year, what do you think you can you expect after five years, ten years, twenty years?

If you want to know what a man will be like in 20 years, look at his father. But wait, his father is a cheater too! Except his dad obviously did a better job at it considering he got away with it all those years! Consider yourself lucky you found out as soon as you did.

Do you want to end up like your mother-in-law, lied to and deceived her entire marriage? And girl, she ain't 21 anymore! If there's anyone you should be talking to it's your mother-in-law.

You should ask her, "If you knew then, what you knew now, would you have stayed?" What she has to say about it will probably help you more than anyone. And maybe you will find comfort and strength in her during this time and maybe she can find the same in you.

Have you considered your future with him? What if you stay with him and have children and one day your son does the same thing to your future daughter-in-law that your husband did to you, and his father did to his mother? Is that something you've thought about? I'm not saying your sons are doomed to be cheaters, don't get me wrong. But who is the biggest role model and influence in a man's life, if not his father?

Is it any coincidence that your husband and his dad are cheaters?

Obviously, the asshole/apple didn't fall from the tree.

Some people will say to you, you shouldn't end your marriage over some emails. And I agree, you don't end your marriage over some emails. You know what you end it over? The blatant disregard of your feelings. The lack of remorse on his part. The fact that he totally intended to fuck his ex.

Some people don't think wanting to do something and actually doing something are the same thing. If someone tells you they are planning to do something, usually they intend to follow through on it and well that's enough for me.

For example:

If your neighbor emails you and says, "If she doesn't stop crying, I'm going to smother my 3 month old daughter with a pillow."

What would you say? "Gee, neighbor! Saying you'll do it and actually doing it isn't the same thing! Let me know when find a pillow!"

Come on! You would call the Police or run over there!

If your co-worker just got fired and emailed you and said, "I'm pissed I got fired so I'm going to blow up the building today at noon."

Would you be having lunch in the break room that day? I doubt it.

So if your husband emails his ex and says that he wants to ravage her, why wouldn't you take that just as seriously?

Unless "ravage" is slang for playing checkers or some shit.

That's why I think that your husband, if he isn't already cheating on you, will eventually do so.

Quote:

"Do i really want to live in a relationship like this the rest of my life??? Its so new and already we have so many problems."

Here's an analogy for you.

It's like your marriage is a brand new car. You took it for a test drive and now you decide that you want to buy it, so you take the plunge and do it. But buying a car is a big commitment, just like marriage.

And just like marriage, there's the maintenance involved. It's a huge responsibility but you accept it. You love your car and you're moving forward and it's got that new car smell, and really who doesn't LOVE the new car smell?

Then, after a year or so of owning it, the car starts fucking up and smoking, the motor blows, the transmission is shot, and the brakes don't work. Now your brand new car is a fucking hoopty.

And so you say to yourself, "What the fuck? It's a brand new car, should it be giving me all these problems already?" (Sound familiar?)

So you tell your husband that there are problems with the car and he just blows you off.

What does he care that the car isn't working?

He's not riding in the car with you anyways, is he?

He's trying to catch a ride with other bitches!

So what do you do now with your marriage/car?

Do you repair the car, even though your husband doesn't want to put the time and effort into it?

Do you trade in your car for another model? Do you get one with upgrades that suits you better? One with good suspension so that when you go over those bumpy roads it absorbs all the impact?

Do you sell the car? Even though you will lose all the work you put into it?

Do you keep the car and just cross your fingers that it'll fix itself? If that's the case, keep Triple A on hand. Are you only keeping this car because you don't think you'll find a better car?

But the most important question of all is...

Is this the car that you want to drive for the rest of your life?

Is he the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

It's something to think about.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck....

 

[SingFrAbsoltion]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhSweetJane I think your husband is a lying, cheating, piece of shit.

I didn't want to quote the whole post but I have to agree with what OhSweetJane said. I've been cheated on too, and that whole arrogant "well, whatever, don't believe her she's stupid anyway" attitude sounds way to familiar. Good luck with your situation.

 

[Dizzyray822]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhSweetJane I think your husband is a lying, cheating, piece of shit. Since I try to be as insightful as I am insulting, here is how I know for sure... You know what I think is a big indication that your husband is deceptive and will probably cheat on you if he hasn't already? Nothing in his behavior indicates to me that he is sorry at all for what he did to you. He obviously doesn't take the fact that he hurt you seriously because he probably doesn't even think he did anything wrong. That's why he's behaving like an arrogant prick. He was lying and denying those emails! And then when he realizes he's caught up, he brushes it off and says they were just some "stupid emails". Hold up. First, they didn't exist and now they're stupid? Riiiight. If they were just harmless stupid emails, then why did he delete them all before you had a chance to read them? He was obviously hiding something. It's called destroying the evidence, you cheating fucker. Shit, if it was me I would've printed those emails and forwarded them to my divorce attorney and to my brothers so they could beat his ass. Should you decide to go the physical route, don't bother with his ex! Because apparently between your husband and his ex, SHE is the one who was encouraging your husband to work things out with you. You know what that tells me? That tells me that he talked shit about you to that girl. He obviously can't discuss his marital problems with HIS WIFE, but he can tell some chick your business but he can't go to counseling with you? PLEASE. What if this chick didn't turn him down and she WAS interested in your husband's SEXUAL advances toward her? What if they were having a sexual relationship and then what? What kept him from "ravaging" her again? Does she live far away? Was she in a relationship? Oh, and another thing! You were ONLY married a year and a half when you found out this was happening! "Found out" being the operative phrase. Who knows how long it had really been going on or how long it would have continued had you not confronted him? He had been writing back and forth to her for the past year. Really?! It was going on for THAT LONG?! Again, didn't you just get married? If he's already pulling this shit in the first year, what do you think you can you expect after five years, ten years, twenty years? If you want to know what a man will be like in 20 years, look at his father. But wait, his father is a cheater too! Except his dad obviously did a better job at it considering he got away with it all those years! Consider yourself lucky you found out as soon as you did. Do you want to end up like your mother-in-law, lied to and deceived her entire marriage? And girl, she ain't 21 anymore! If there's anyone you should be talking to it's your mother-in-law. You should ask her, "If you knew then, what you knew now, would you have stayed?" What she has to say about it will probably help you more than anyone. And maybe you will find comfort and strength in her during this time and maybe she can find the same in you. Have you considered your future with him? What if you stay with him and have children and one day your son does the same thing to your future daughter-in-law that your husband did to you, and his father did to his mother? Is that something you've thought about? I'm not saying your sons are doomed to be cheaters, don't get me wrong. But who is the biggest role model and influence in a man's life, if not his father? Is it any coincidence that your husband and his dad are cheaters? Obviously, the asshole/apple didn't fall from the tree. Some people will say to you, you shouldn't end your marriage over some emails. And I agree, you don't end your marriage over some emails. You know what you end it over? The blatant disregard of your feelings. The lack of remorse on his part. The fact that he totally intended to fuck his ex. Some people don't think wanting to do something and actually doing something are the same thing. If someone tells you they are planning to do something, usually they intend to follow through on it and well that's enough for me. For example: If your neighbor emails you and says, "If she doesn't stop crying, I'm going to smother my 3 month old daughter with a pillow." What would you say? "Gee, neighbor! Saying you'll do it and actually doing it isn't the same thing! Let me know when find a pillow!" Come on! You would call the Police or run over there! If your co-worker just got fired and emailed you and said, "I'm pissed I got fired so I'm going to blow up the building today at noon." Would you be having lunch in the break room that day? I doubt it. So if your husband emails his ex and says that he wants to ravage her, why wouldn't you take that just as seriously? Unless "ravage" is slang for playing checkers or some shit. That's why I think that your husband, if he isn't already cheating on you, will eventually do so. Here's an analogy for you. It's like your marriage is a brand new car. You took it for a test drive and now you decide that you want to buy it, so you take the plunge and do it. But buying a car is a big commitment, just like marriage. And just like marriage, there's the maintenance involved. It's a huge responsibility but you accept it. You love your car and you're moving forward and it's got that new car smell, and really who doesn't LOVE the new car smell? Then, after a year or so of owning it, the car starts fucking up and smoking, the motor blows, the transmission is shot, and the brakes don't work. Now your brand new car is a fucking hoopty. And so you say to yourself, "What the fuck? It's a brand new car, should it be giving me all these problems already?" (Sound familiar?) So you tell your husband that there are problems with the car and he just blows you off. What does he care that the car isn't working? He's not riding in the car with you anyways, is he? He's trying to catch a ride with other bitches! So what do you do now with your marriage/car? Do you repair the car, even though your husband doesn't want to put the time and effort into it? Do you trade in your car for another model? Do you get one with upgrades that suits you better? One with good suspension so that when you go over those bumpy roads it absorbs all the impact? Do you sell the car? Even though you will lose all the work you put into it? Do you keep the car and just cross your fingers that it'll fix itself? If that's the case, keep Triple A on hand. Are you only keeping this car because you don't think you'll find a better car? But the most important question of all is... Is this the car that you want to drive for the rest of your life? Is he the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? It's something to think about. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck....

WOW.....you have given me A LOT to think about. OMG...everything you wrote is something that I have thought about and you saw all of the details that many people overlook. The part about wanting to do something and actually doing it as being the same is something I totally agree with, i feel like even though i'll never know for sure exactly what happened....what i do know about it makes me feel like he totally betrayed me already. I mean....wow.

Him and his dad are too much alike and i have seen his Dad react the exact same as him when confronted and it seems too much a like, you know? I mean even after this I caught him in a few more lies....like he cancelled that email address but I found out that he created a new one and when I asked if he had a new one he said "no." I just dont trust him.

I think I was young and naive to have married him and i didnt really know him all that well. We had only been married 7 months for one of the emails that i saw and there were a lot more but i only was able to read 3 of them before i flipped out and he deleted them. He went on to say in the emails that he loved her and that he wanted to "eat her up literally" and so many other things that hurt me sooooooo much.....i really dont know if i can get past it. Especially with the attitude he has.

Thank you for caring everyone and for your good wishes.

 

[makeup_wh0re]

f*ck that...cut off his d*ck! And I only put the stars cuz i dont kno if i can say those words! If you have a myspace please add me

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OhSweetJane I think your husband is a lying, cheating, piece of shit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeup_wh0re f*ck that...cut off his d*ck! And I only put the stars cuz i dont kno if i can say those words! If you have a myspace please add me

Neither of these two posts are even remotely helpful.
Responding to the poster's query with an emotionally charged knee jerk response doesn't really serve any purpose. :/


To the OP: If you know what you are wanting to do, but haven't got the nerve to do it without having a "do it girl do it" mantra, it really would behoove you to seek couselling alone, as that would give you the best, unbiased guidance in making a lifechanging decision.

 

[user79]

I agree with Shimmer, there are a lot of emotionally charged responses in here that are making a whole lot of assumptions that only you can answer, not anyone else. Just because some women have had situations of cheating happen to them, doesn't necessarily mean there are paralells in the situation.

You should figure out if you want to save this marriage or not first, and then act accordingly. It's good to get advice from people on a message board, but the decision should be made from your heart. And I do think that some professional help will guide you in making the right decision.

 

[Dizzyray822]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer To the OP: If you know what you are wanting to do, but haven't got the nerve to do it without having a "do it girl do it" mantra, it really would behoove you to seek couselling alone, as that would give you the best, unbiased guidance in making a lifechanging decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous You should figure out if you want to save this marriage or not first, and then act accordingly. It's good to get advice from people on a message board, but the decision should be made from your heart. And I do think that some professional help will guide you in making the right decision.

I am the OP and I agree with you both as well. I mean some of the other posts that have been emotionally charged do connect with the anger and the strong resentment at times that i feel, so i do understand where they are coming from too. I plan on seeking MORE counseling. I have tried with one counselor and really didnt get anywhere. I dont plan on making any rash or quick decisions because i did marry this person and make a committment whether he feels the same or not. It just really sucks right now for me to be in this situation.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

If you don't have trust in your relationship, you really don't have anything. (i should be listening to that myself but hey...)

You really have no reason to trust him. You found out about the emails 7 months into your marriage...thats early. (not saying that he should've waited a few years or anything) but they are definetly big problems to think about so early in your marriage.

I can only imagine how you must feel right now...marriage is totally different than just a boyfriend. I think that the things he said in the emails took the cake. He told his ex that he still loved her...the nasty sex talk was bad enough, but him saying that he has emotional feelings for someone who is supposed to be his past, is wrong. point blank period. He lied to you about the emails, then brushed off your feelings.

Maybe you did get married too soon, but obviously you did that for a reason. I'm not sure if your husband is really for this marriage like he should be. But whatever the case may be, I think that you should decide whether or not you still want to be married to him, and if you can deal with the mistakes he made, and trust him enough not to make the same mistakes again. Good luck with everything

 

[slowhoney]

I personally would not do anything as rash as getting a divorce just yet. However, trust is the foundation for any good relationship or marriage, and if you cannot work things out and learn to trust him again, staying in the relationship is unhealthy for the both of you. It is my personal opinion that it is no more acceptable to physically cheat than it is to send explicit and flirtatious e-mails. In this day and age, they both have to be taken the same way because the Internet is such a huge part of our communication. Albeit, a lot of people say things online or in e-mail that they never would in real life, but your husband's e-mails to this girl raise a concern for you and I can see why. Harmless flirting is one thing, but explicit sexual conversation is another, and talking about emotional love/attraction is even worse. I would suggest asking him to go to counseling with you. I do not suggest going alone because this isn't your problem--it's his. And you both need to be discussing it (with a third party present to keep the peace or just to keep you rational) with each other. I must emphasize that this is not your problem and you cannot deal with it alone. It involves him, so therefore your counseling should as well. It sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do, and so I guess it comes to down one question... are you willing to forgive him and continue trusting him with a promise it is out of his system, or are you in need of more commitment than he is apparently willing to give you right now? I wish you the best of luck. This is not an easy situation and I too would be devastated if I stumbled across e-mails like this written by my boyfriend. So do not let him tell you that you are overreacting or being dramatic. Getting married too soon is a big problem these days, but ultimately, you have to do what is right for you, not him or the relationship.