A girl from the past......

[RoseMe]

While I was not suggesting that you dump your husband like I dumped my loser bf, I do wish that you would be very observant with his behavior from now on. Unfortunately the past is the best indicator of the future behavior and like others have said, trust is the most important component of ANY relationship that should not be ignored. Best of luck to you and let us know how the situation goes.

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer Get counseling. From an objective party. If he won't go, go by yourself, to try to deal with what you're feeling. :/

I agree 100%...go by yourself if he doesn't want to go...

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Counseling. It takes time for them to actually be effective. If you don't feel like they're giving you what you want, you should talk to your therapist about that. I'm a seasoned vet when it comes to going to a therapist (for personal matters). It takes several sessions for you to actually make progress, but they can't figure out patterns and your true emotions when they first meet you

...and, as a former marriage/family therapist, if the one you have isn't working for you, find another.

 

[kalest]

I woulda kicked his ass out, husband or not!

There aint no denying that he said he wanted to ravage another womans body while he was married to you. No way to cover it up whether he deleted the email or not. Theres no excuses. Thats emotional cheating.

Counseling is probably the one way around it unless you dont want to work on your relationship, but the fact that youre asking for advice shows that you do wanna work it out. So best of luck!

 

[Shimmer]

It's crazy, but until you're actually IN that situation, and facing the loss of a huge emotional and physical and psychological investment, and loss of a vast amount of time in life as it sits, you really don't know what the reaction would be.

 

[BloodMittens]

I don't think you should leave him just for that, but I would definately be careful, not be trusting and not let him say things like "Oh, she was nothing!"

If she was nothing, he wouldn't be writing disgusting emails like that to her which could and very well have broken your heart a little. I would be PO'd if my boyfriend did that, he told a girl she was "cute" over myspace and when I found out I made sure he would never do anything like that again.

It's probably best that you fix it NOW, not later. Talk to him about it, just be like:
"I'm not trying to be controlling or bitchy or anything, but I want to know this, and I have a right to know this, whether you had feelings for this girl or not? And whether you have plans to ever do this to me in the future? I want to know now before I continue this, do you want to work it out, or not? Don't tell me now, take some time, think about it, but I want to work this out even if you don't."

I'm just trying to think of what I would say to a man who has done something like that to me and is my husband. I would NOT be happy, and I don't think you should sit there and let this continue if he is sending other emails or is sneaking around. Which he very well could be.

And if he gets mad when you bring it up again, just tell him "I don't know why you're getting so angry with me, I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE ANGRY!"

But basically, yeah. Don't let him get away with things, you're a human being, and you're his wife, and you damn sure as hell deserve to be treated right!

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dizzyray822 I went to a counselor but i feel like they kind of just listen, you know? I mean i know they cant give you all the answers but i just feel like in relationships there are so many unanswered questions, well....at least in mine. I mean....who knows what really happened or what might still be happening or what could happen. I never worried though and was so happy until then. Thanks you for "listening" and for your advice.

You need a marriage counselling service, but for it to work, you need to speak with your husband and tell him that you feel it's necessary to do this or you cannot move past the doubts you have about him and your relationship. He needs to be willing to go through this process with you at the marriage counselling. If he isn't willing, ask him why, and tell him that it's important to you.

I feel that from what you're saying, you don't communicate enough to each other. He hid what he was doing in the emails, and you've hidden what you feel now, six months later. There may be trust issues on both sides, and marriage counselling can help you start rebuilding those bridges again.

 

[landonsmother]

i 100% agree with ohsweetjane! what she said was beyond amazing!! everything she said was true!

just because you two took a vow that says "till death do us part" that doesn't give him any reason to cheat on you. seriously, do what you feel will be best for you in the future. if he did this to you within a few months of marriage, he'll do it again!! sooner or later, down the road you'll realize that he wasn't "man enough for you." & you'll wish you got out of the relationship sooner.

i think you should slap his face with divorce papers. i know they were just emails but you never know what else he's capable of doing.

well whatever decision you make, i wish you the best! good luck!

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dizzyray822 Hi Everyone, Well....last January my husband accidentally left his email logged on and i snooped a little. Okay....so i didnt think i would find anything since i thought we were doing great. We had only been married like a year and a half. Well...I found emails that had been written back and forth within the past year to a girl tht seemed to be from his past. He wrote things to her like how he remembered that one night that they had and how he wants to ravage her again and other pretty explicit things. She was encouraging him to work things out with his wife (me) and that he should get these bad thoughts out of his head of cheating and all. Well....when i confronted him he first kinda denied it, then he said he was sorry and said it was nothing but "just stupid emails." He said it meant nothing that he was just fooling around and that he hadn't seen her or even talked to her on the phone since we had been together. He ended up deleting all the emails before i had a chance to read more, which is good or bad i dont know...but....i dont know. Well...that was six months ago and I can not trust him at all. I dont know if i feel the same for him anymore. I just dont know what I feel for him. To top it off...my husbands mother (my mother-in law) just found out that his father (my father in law) had been cheating on her for like their whole marriage. ANd honestly....i think my husband (thier son) knew what his father was doing. SO is he going to end up just like him???? It is just AWFUL!!!!!! We never really talked it through like we should have or got counseling. I cant let it go....i'm still really hurt!!!!! I just and so torn because i do care about this man, but i am only 21 and I have my entire life ahead of me. Do i really want to live in a relationship like this the rest of my life??? Its so new and already we have so many problems. What do you think?????

I can't believe a lot of the hate that's being spewed out in regards to your problem. That being said, here's a few things to consider:

1. The girl from his past - did he sleep with her during your marriage? If not, then the girl actually did the right thing in telling him to speak with you and work out his issues within his marriage. The other posts that refer to this girl as a bitch aren't really fair if this is a girl with whom he had a relationship or one-night-stand years ago.

2. How old is your husband? If he's similar in age to you, and you honestly believe he knew about his father's infidelity, then you have to consider that it's really messed him up. His parents are supposed to provide guidance and an example of marriage. If he's known all this time that his father was disrespecting his mother and himself that way, how would that affect your husband? What if he was a child when he found out? What if he's had to deal with it by himself, knowing and keeping it secret because he didn't want to tear his own family apart by exposing the secret? How do you choose between your father and your mother, even when you know one of them is doing something very wrong and hurtful to the other? What if his father asked him to keep his mouth shut? What if he's ashamed about it, and has had to handle it alone despite the fact that he has you?

The point is, there are two ways to look at this. The first is the one you've already been through - the hurt, anger, despair and the feeling that abandoning this relationship may be easiest.

But he's probably going through a very rough period in his life. He may have made mistakes, and it may be very hard, but you chose this man, and this marriage. Apparently he was happy to choose you too, despite the example he was given about marriage.

If you're looking for a reason to leave him, then you don't need something like an email exchange to be the reason. You said you were happy before all of this happened. Maybe there is a side of him here that you didn't know existed - the one that is dealing with a hard time, is being self-destructive by looking for this random girl from his past, etc. But it doesn't mean that you get so angry and make him a monster in order to cut yourself loose from your marriage without feeling remorse or what-might-have-beens.

Point is, do you really want to be 21 and divorced? Think very hard before you seriously consider suggestions comparing your marriage to a damned car, or whatever else some of these really hateful posts have said. Get some independent advice and find a good marriage counsellor. Fight for your marriage, and if it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried, and you didn't throw the towel in because of some damned email exchange.

 

[ratmist]

Sorry - didn't mean to post twice.

 

[Calhoune]

I've been through something similar... the difference being that he was sorry and said he'd be better, and yeah some silly silly excuses.
"But we didn't do anything??"
"BUT YOU WERE PLANNING TO" @.@

Have you tried to talk more to him about it? Have you tried telling him that this is really serious for you and making you doubt your relationship? Does he know that his disregard for your feelings hurt you?

If I had been in your position, having to read those mails would be incredibly, incredibly hurtful to me, but I have a pretty stern view on cheating. And if my boyfriend/husband would just joke it off or say it was nothing? I wouldn't be able to stand that

I don't know how much counselling on your own would do, because even if it did help with trust issues, you would still have that nagging feeling.. You haven't done anything wrong, he has, and he needs to understand that.

Talk to him.

 

[Stormy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist I can't believe a lot of the hate that's being spewed out in regards to your problem. That being said, here's a few things to consider.... Point is, do you really want to be 21 and divorced? Think very hard before you seriously consider suggestions comparing your marriage to a damned car, or whatever else some of these really hateful posts have said. Get some independent advice and find a good marriage counsellor. Fight for your marriage, and if it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried, and you didn't throw the towel in because of some damned email exchange.

I am also surprised at the amount of hate being said here. My first thought was that the posters were cheated on themselves and want to get revenge on whoever, by telling the OP to get a divorce. That's COMPLETELY unfair, IMO. Don't try to make yourselves feel better and live vicariously through someone's elses problems, when they have nothing to do with yours!

The fact the OP originally went through his e-mails concerns me. Even though she thought she wouldn't find anything, she did it for a reason. Trust issues to begin with?? I don't snoop in my fiance's anything, and I don't think I'd find anything either.

One of the BEST pieces of advice I've ever gotten was to not get married till I was around 30, at least. Because in your 20s, you're still finding out who you are and what you want, and for me at least, that's been SO true. The OP did get married very young, and her husband could very well not have been ready? I'm just venturing a guess here, so please don't flame. Everything she wrote about does speak of deeper issues and it does sounds like perhaps he wasn't ready to be in a committed marriage? But this is all something therapy may help with. I hope he agrees to go.

 

[adela88]

dump him.i bet he claims to still love you doesnt he?
when he wrote those emails he was thinking of himself and his dick. not you
you can always do better than someone like that.