Dealing with the ex-wife.

melozburngr

Well-known member
For those of you ladies who are dating or have dated a man with an ex-wife he is still friends with, how do you manage it? I can't help being angry that he goes and does stuff for her when a lot of it she can do herself if she tried. I also think that she needs to develop a support system outside of him, because he can no longer be her rock anymore. Maybe I'm wrong and out of line for being upset, how would you guys react?

They were married 13 years, got divorced last year, he and I have been dating off and on for nearly a year.
 

Shimmer

Well-known member
Take a step back for a bit, maybe.
13 years is a LONG time to be with someone, and it doesn't just stop with a divorce. My exhusband and I still talk regularly and though we're both remarried, if he's got time to give me a hand, he will (and vice versa).
Just because I wasn't interested in being married to him anymore doesn't mean he wasn't a HUGE part of my life for quite a long time.
smiles.gif

It may be the same in your situation.
 

BEA2LS

Well-known member
i do not think you are out of line at all. i understand keeping in touch but him being her whole support system seems unhealthy.
 

Taj

Well-known member
ur anger is perfectly justified, girl. Its so difficult to totally break off from a person whom we've known for 13 years or even longer. But man if she can't, at least he should try slowly detach himself from her. A relationship involves three persons is a bit too crowded, isn't it? He should do something if he loves you and cares about ur feeling. You don't really want to build a family with him that involves his ex-wife. Tell him now or you have to with it for the rest of ur relationship with him, if and if that would last that way. Good luck !
 

Shimmer

Well-known member
The thing is that HE has to be the one who has to detach, not him doing it because his new partner is asking/demanding it.
 

melozburngr

Well-known member
I dont expect that he completely detach from her (in a perfect world...) but that he let her learn to do things on her own. shes 38 years old, she asks him to do things for her that I could do when I was 18. I learned how to do them because I HAD to, because no one else was around to help me... I was trying to explain to him that the things she calls him to help her with she can easily do on her own if she tried, and if he keeps helping her, she'll never learn to cope on her own if he's not there someday.

I know that after relationships (especially 13 years) feelings dont just switch off, and I hardly expect them to, but he needs to learn to prioritize his life, and while I dont expect to be #1 in his life, I refuse to be #2 to his ex-wife. thats not too much to ask in my opinion. My issue with them being close is not the fact that I think he'd cheat on me (he wouldn't), but the fact that she takes advantage of him, and he lets her, and it has affected parts of his life.

The other thing I have a hard time with is the fact that he is so kind to her after all she's done to him- cheated on him 3-4 times, stolen the Vicodin he needs to function (he has rheumatoid arthritis), amongst other things.
 

glassy girl

Well-known member
Sometimes people don't always hav a nasty divorce they just realize they don't lov each other lik that any more and they still remain good friends and adults about the situation and if they hav kids then they will b in each others lives pretty much 4ever. And as far as u being upset i think it's normal hello ur human. But as long as it doesn't cross the lines its ok 2 remain friends( or cival) with some one u had such a long history with.
 

glassy girl

Well-known member
Ok girl i miss the last post it sounds lik she did him wrong but like the saying 2 wrongs don't make a right. Sounds lik u hav a good man and he probly would do that 4 anyboby i guess inculding his ex. Sometime when ur married 4 so long u kinda become dependant on ur other half i no i hav iv'e been married 11 years and i don't no how 2 do anything that requries a man 2 do. But ur right he should help a little less and it's totaly ok 4 u 2 express how u feel 2 him. But mayb he just wants her in his life. I think u and him need a long talk and mayb u should hav a talk with her i know i would. lol
 

Septemba

Well-known member
I think a lot of it depends on what their relationship was like when they were together, the terms of the separation, and whether or not you trust him.

13 years is a hell of a long time to be with someone, they probably know each other inside out. I know my fiance has love for his ex-wife - they were together for a long time and shared some huge experiences together. But I also know that there is no romantic connection at all.

By the same token though, he doesn't see her regularly. I think that if he did it might annoy me somewhat, but that's more about how I am than how he is.

You're his partner now though, and you deserve to feel safe in your relationship. The boundaries need to be clearly defined, IMO. You're right, you should not be #2.
 

LoveMakeup4Real

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by melozburngr
For those of you ladies who are dating or have dated a man with an ex-wife he is still friends with, how do you manage it? I can't help being angry that he goes and does stuff for her when a lot of it she can do herself if she tried. I also think that she needs to develop a support system outside of him, because he can no longer be her rock anymore. Maybe I'm wrong and out of line for being upset, how would you guys react?

They were married 13 years, got divorced last year, he and I have been dating off and on for nearly a year.


Honestly, I think the fact that your b/f continues to help his ex wife of 13 long years is the LEAST of your problems. The bold text is what the real issue is! You two have only been together for almost a year and your relationship has already experienced a rocky on and off, on and off & on unsteadiness; that is what you should be worried about, not that of his supposed strictly platonic relationship with his ex
wondering.gif
 

TISH1124

Well-known member
My husband and his exwife were married for about that amount of time...However their conversation consist of the children...they don't chit chat about random goings on and he does not do random things to help her out unless it is for the children's benefit....I am sure he may still care about her but there are boundaries...some things can cross the line of being derespectful....But I am speaking as the current wife....But he had detached himself from those type things prior to us getting married....it would not be allowed for me...so it is certainly not allowed for him. He is cordial to her and he does discuss every aspect of the children...But calling to say will you come fix my washer it's broke...is not gonna fly for me...

And..I have 100% no insecurities...it is just not gonna happen.
 

BEA2LS

Well-known member
My finance has a child with his ex girlfriend and for awhile she was constantly calling him. He told her that he wants a good relationship for their son but she is depending on him too much. Eventually by him pushing away and telling her she needs to help herself, she began to get on with her life and even had a new boyfriend (which is when it stopped for the most part)
But in my case I was with him longer than he was with her and she cheated on him while pregnant so it really is a different story. But the key thing is that i did not push him to do any of it. sure i complained when she would call him at 3 am (i live with him) just to cry and tell him what a bad day she was having. but i held my toungue because he off the bat told her not to ever call at that time unless it involves their child.
shimmer is right, he has to be the one to want to detatch or it will cause resentment towards you.
to be honest, it is better for you that they get along. if you couldn't tell my finance and his ex girlfriend do not get along too well and it's stressful for the whole family because there is a child involved. but she takes it far.. she had a kid last year and tried to say it was his (DNA proved otherwise) and recently the state took custody away from her because of unsafe living conditions and a mental illness of her part. because they did not want her two kids to be separated it affected his custody with his son (in other words they did let him take full custody of his son until she got better, he had to keep the partial custody he had and the rest of the time, his son was at first in foster but now with family because dyfus did not want to take him away from his brother).
 

Lapis

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer
The thing is that HE has to be the one who has to detach, not him doing it because his new partner is asking/demanding it.

Shimmer is on point as usual
And maybe if he's unwilling to make the changes he isn't ready to be in a new relationship, he's been divorced a year and dating you a year.
If he was my friend I would have told him take some alone time, figure out what he needs and wants.
 

melozburngr

Well-known member
the reason that we dated on and off for a year is because he DID take time to himself to figure things out, and then there was a point that they went to Therapy to figure out how they could be friends or whatever, and they ended up trying to get back together, which failed miserably. He and I have a great relationship otherwise, and have a natural connection that started the day we met. The points in our relationship that we werent together as a couple we were still together as best friends, and the reasons we split werent because of US not working, just other factors in his life he needed to figure out.
 

melozburngr

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TISH1127
My husband and his exwife were married for about that amount of time...However their conversation consist of the children...they don't chit chat about random goings on and he does not do random things to help her out unless it is for the children's benefit....I am sure he may still care about her but there are boundaries...some things can cross the line of being derespectful....But I am speaking as the current wife....But he had detached himself from those type things prior to us getting married....it would not be allowed for me...so it is certainly not allowed for him. He is cordial to her and he does discuss every aspect of the children...But calling to say will you come fix my washer it's broke...is not gonna fly for me...

And..I have 100% no insecurities...it is just not gonna happen.


This is how I feel. They dont have children, and where I dont expect them to stop talking instantly, the chatting about random needs to not happen, as well as her asking for his help all the time. I agree about boundaries and lines, and if she really truly needs his help- then go help her, but he cant be the only person she always runs to.
 

mahreez

Well-known member
hi there, i understand how u feel. my bf has a child with his ex though they were never married, and the ex is now married, i still wish sometimes that they don't have to talk at all. lol. but they have a child and so it's inevitable.

you must be completely honest with yourself and lay your own rules as to which situations you could tolerate and discuss it with your bf. it could be possible that he doesn't see things as seriously as you do.

sometimes i feel weird with his ex, i think she just wants some attention sometimes, like demanding my bf to take their daughter to her place, on christmas day, or on my bf's bday. duh. and sometimes she pretends like she's the boss of the house and makes tons of unreasonable demands. she's so weird. i finally just figured out to just change my attitude and ignore her totally.

this too shall pass as they say.
 

Efionawade

Well-known member
Just like what everyone else is saying, I too agree that you need to step back and not ask him to stop talking to her or anything. He will get over her in his own time and if he is dropping things to help her out, chances are he isn't over her at all in the first place. Sure he is divorced, but that doesn't mean feelings are completely gone, and he's going to have to deal with that himself.

My boyfriend is only 20 and has two children with his ex and she's being a crazy psycho bitch and they are now going to court just so it's set in stone that he can SEE his children. Some women just like to keep control of relationships, if they are dating someone or not. Every single piece of me hates her, but I want him to have a decent relationship with her, not be friends with her, but decent enough that she wont flip out when he wants to see his children.
 

melozburngr

Well-known member
Right, I agree that they should maintain a civil relationship, even keep in touch, but I dont really think its appropriate to be buddy-buddy, since there is nothing to tie them together (no children, etc)
 

Ruby_Woo

Well-known member
I think that you just need to be more self confident, and know that they will always be part of each others life. I mean 1 < 13 years. Its totally normal to feel that way, you know?

But they do have a reason to be buddy buddy, they lived together 13 years. I mean Im only married for 3, and if for whatever God forbidden reason my husband and I were to split, I know I'd still want him in my life, he is an awesome guy and my best friend over all. When that much time passes by I just think its irrational to think that over night they will cut out all communication.

Try talking to your BF and let him know how the situation makes you feel. If he loves you, he will do what he can to accomodate for you. If not, then I don't think its a healthy place for you to be in.

Good luck!
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
I think the person he's hurting most in all of this is his ex-wife. She's not learning to cope with the realty of her current situation.

The timeline is all messed up for me... it's only been a year and they're already good friends and he constantly helps her out with stuff? I understand if he's like an accountant and she's asking for tax help or her car breaks down and he's a mechanic... because those are specialized rare instances. In your shoes, I might be worried that you guys started dating too soon after the divorce and I would personally feel like the ex's could benefit from some distance from each other before rekindling their friendship.

Regardless, all you can do is share your opinion. You can't and probably won't make him change, so the best you can do is let him know how you feel, let him make up his mind about how he is going to handle his ex, and if it really makes you unhappy then the only thing you can actually control is whether you're with him or not.
 

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