Disgusted at selfishness!!!

[sweetangelkiss]

I'm a very nice person

At least I think I am ... I have friends so obviously I am doing something right but every once in awhile something will happen and I'll just be so depressed. I can't just sit in a corner and shrug it off. That's not me and that's not how I am.

I had a friend who I thought was a good person, with all our friends we love to give them our time and our support. Now, I have a 5 1/2 month old baby and a baby's daddy who only wants to be in his son's life when it makes him more attractive to girls so raising a son and working and trying to be a great mother and friend can get overwhelming at times.

Anyways this "friend" wanted an iphone (from the US) and I like to be giving and nice about things. I WANT an iphone TOO but no, this person was going to get one before I did. So I thought I would be nice and buy one for this person... so I did. I had so many problems trying to get it in the first place as I dont live in the US so I had to call AT&T at 2am in the morning in order to speak to someone. I actually set my alarm to wake up at 2am. So after a week of trying to get this damn thing I finally got it organised, overdrew my credit card and had to pay the penalty, I also had to pay the US exchange rate charge which was double the cost advertised... but I didn't mind because I knew this person would LOVE IT. So anyway it gets delivered and the person couldn't FREAKING SAY THANK YOU. There was no thank you so much. I'm so happy for my phone. I had to know about the iphone through their FACEBOOK status!!!!! I was DISGUSTED!!!!!!!

So I called this person and everytime I called he would brush me off. I wanted to say Hi, I mean we are friends after all. Then the text messages started "Leave me alone ok". (umm okay?!) and then the really horrible text messages started "You're such a bad mother, no wonder Luca's father didn't want to be in his son's life" and "Your son cries alot, go spend time with him because he's probably crying right now" "Go get pregnant again slut" (How STRANGE!).

Then it gets even more bizarre....through out this time I wanna catch up with this person for lunch or a movie but this person tells me "I'm busy with school and work so yeah" yet good old facebook timestamps everything. So if ya so damn busy why is it at 7:45pm you're freaking online ?! This hurts me so much.

I wanted to get this off my chest

I didn't do anything wrong so I'm trying to uderstand why are people like this?!

 

[DirtyPlum]

ugh he sounds like a right a*se wipe!

I will never ever understand ppl who use others and walk all over them. Its sick and honestly not even worth ur time n effort in trying to figure them out n why they do it.

If all he wanted was a stupid phone, then his friendship is not even worth it. U deserve better ppl in ur life who will appreciate your time, effort and sincerity.

Tell him to grow a pair!

 

[COBI]

Why would you overextend your credit card to buy such an expensive gift for someone?

Is it possible that this person feels like you are trying to buy their affection/friendship? That is a big turn-off for some people and may explain the turnabout by them.

I can't see myself accepting such a gift from even my best of and closest friends. And I would probably feel really uncomfortable if someone gave me such a gift.

On the other hand, I do know people who would accept gifts such as this and then laugh behind your back about it (i.e. "so-and-so bought me this phone; she wants to be with me or something... not going to happen...haha, but thanks for the phone")

Is it possible that you've overstepped a line?

Not trying to judge you, but trying to understand the situation/relationship with this person.

 

[HeavenLeiBlu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by COBI Why would you overextend your credit card to buy such an expensive gift for someone? Is it possible that this person feels like you are trying to buy their affection/friendship? That is a big turn-off for some people and may explain the turnabout by them. I can't see myself accepting such a gift from even my best of and closest friends. And I would probably feel really uncomfortable if someone gave me such a gift. On the other hand, I do know people who would accept gifts such as this and then laugh behind your back about it (i.e. "so-and-so bought me this phone; she wants to be with me or something... not going to happen...haha, but thanks for the phone") Is it possible that you've overstepped a line? Not trying to judge you, but trying to understand the situation/relationship with this person.

My exact thoughts on the matter. not only that, I wouldn't be buying gifts for ANYONE, if I had an infant that was not being supported by their other parent. Your child is a priority. The same money you put out there to buy that phone could have been stashed away for something in your baby's future. Please just cut this person loose and move on with your life without trying to please other people.

 

[sweetangelkiss]

My "friend" had been talking about wanting to get an iphone forever since his current phone was about to die and it looked 20 years old and I thought I would be nice and surprise him. I like to do nice stuff for people - one of best friends of 15 years went to the Philippines and someone stole her favorite pair of designer shoes so I bought her another pair as a surprise. That's just my personality. I love being giving. My mom would buy all the children in the village that she came from in the Philippines their school books and it's just how I'm raised and I love making people happy. I just dont appreciate the selfishness. I dont ever buy anyone's affection - that's too much effort for nothing.

The thing that irritates me is the fact that this person was a friend and then completely shut me off. How could you do that to someone regardless?

 

[sweetangelkiss]

You're all SO RIGHT.

I just had to get it off my chest and maybe see if there was another side to all this but the best thing is to just to think of it as me making someone happy and move on.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Why would you spend so much on a person when it sounds like you have yourself in a financial pickle? Unless it were dire, I can't imagine doing that much financially for any of my friends. Why wouldn't you just buy yourself the phone to begin with?

I hate sounding suspicious, but how good of friends were you with this person? I feel like there is more to this story.

Quote:

My "friend" had been talking about wanting to get an iphone forever since his current phone was about to die and it looked 20 years old and I thought I would be nice and surprise him. I like to do nice stuff for people - one of best friends of 15 years went to the Philippines and someone stole her favorite pair of designer shoes so I bought her another pair as a surprise. That's just my personality. I love being giving. My mom would buy all the children in the village that she came from in the Philippines their school books and it's just how I'm raised and I love making people happy. I just dont appreciate the selfishness. I dont ever buy anyone's affection - that's too much effort for nothing.

It sounds it is like you're trying to buy people's affection, if it's messing with your credit.

Your mother buying people school books is different. As long as she can afford it, I imagine those children in the villages needed them and had no other substitute. The two stories you gave us suck, but there are many, many cheaper phones available and designer shoes are not the end all, be all of the world. Giving to poor people is entirely different from giving to your friends.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to get your priorities straight. If you keep giving to these people, you probably are be very broke and not able to give your child what he deserves.

 

[M.A.C. head.]

This is WRONG on so many levels.

I understand that you wanted to do something nice for your "friend", but at what expense? Generosity is a two way street; it's supposed to benefit the giver and the receiver. If you're putting yourself in a bad position to help someone else, it's not generosity. Sorry.

Really though, you have a 5 and 1/2 month old baby, and you maxed out your funds to buy a cell phone for someone else? Really? You don't think that money could have been put to better use?

I don't really know what more to say about it. You got played, but more so than that, you played yourself.

 

[Malena]

I´d say:
Move on, this person isn´t worth your effort, neither time nor money wise!

Taking the phone without even thanking you for it, but writing you nasty messages instead is really non acceptable IMO.

Try to not think about that anymore, but find yourself better friends

 

[NutMeg]

I think you've got to ask yourself what you expect to get for yourself in that situation. On a more philosophical level, isn't it kind of selfish to give a gift when you expect gratitude and a positive reaction, looking for that attention? Wouldn't it be more selfless to just give without any expectation of being appreciated or praised?

The way I see it, you were being a bit of a martyr by putting yourself in a bad place financially to "do something nice" for another person and you're pissed because you didn't get what you wanted out of it. And I personally think your responsibilities, especially to your child, outweigh your desire to get this positive attention that you seem to be looking for. No offense, but don't kid yourself into thinking that you were being selfless, because if you were it wouldn't have mattered what the other person's reaction was.

 

[ClaireAvril]

you live and learn.
take care of your child and yourself.. don't mind other people who don't bring positivity to your life.

 

[ragdolly]

ok...first off, i agree you probably shouldn't have bought the phone considering you have a child your priorities are way off but i understand where you are coming from.
some people are just born and raised to be generous people, my mom raised me to be the same way

but what i don't understand is how all of you can be so harsh
granted it was a mistake but the question wasn't "what did i do wrong and am i really a bad parent" it was "why are people like this?"
so why are you beating her down about that when really that part of the story is none of your business, she could have left the part out about having a child and it would have made a complete difference in all of your replies

and seriously, since when it is ok to do something for someone and get shit in return i think all of you are bs-ing that part

i would make this person pay...i would take it to court and get my phone or atleast my money back, granted it was a gift but there are ways around that

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragdolly but what i don't understand is how all of you can be so harsh granted it was a mistake but the question wasn't "what did i do wrong and am i really a bad parent" it was "why are people like this?" so why are you beating her down about that when really that part of the story is none of your business, she could have left the part out about having a child and it would have made a complete difference in all of your replies and seriously, since when it is ok to do something for someone and get shit in return i think all of you are bs-ing that part

I see your point about being harsh, but the thing is you can't control the actions of others. So sure, we can pat the OP on the back and say, there there so-and-so is a jerk. Which is perfectly true, he's clearly been an asshole. But she already knows that and there's nothing she can do about it. I think a more helpful reply would be somehow directing her as to why it happened and how she can stop it from happening again.

And to be honest, nothing that happens to anyone else on this site is any of our business. But they put it out there and ask our opinion, and if she included her child in the story she's put that out there to be commented on. Would I have mentioned her responsibilities if she hadn't mentioned the child? Probably not. But I still would have shaken my head at the idea of going into debt to buy something that you wanted (not needed) for someone else, and then blaming them when they didn't fall over themselves in gratitude. I'm not blaming the OP for the fact that this guy turned out to be an ass, but why would you put yourself in debt for someone when you either: don't know them well enough to know that they're going to be an ass, or do know but chose to put yourself in a bad situation for them anyway? I'm sorry, I can't sympathize with someone going into debt for a jerk they don't owe anything to. I'm sorry for the way she's been treated, but that doesn't mean I think she's blameless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragdolly i would make this person pay...i would take it to court and get my phone or atleast my money back, granted it was a gift but there are ways around that

And that is where my point about thinking about what reaction you're looking for comes in. It was a gift. It was not conditional on his reaction, that's not what a gift is.

 

[ragdolly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg I see your point about being harsh, but the thing is you can't control the actions of others. So sure, we can pat the OP on the back and say, there there so-and-so is a jerk. Which is perfectly true, he's clearly been an asshole. But she already knows that and there's nothing she can do about it. I think a more helpful reply would be somehow directing her as to why it happened and how she can stop it from happening again. And to be honest, nothing that happens to anyone else on this site is any of our business. But they put it out there and ask our opinion, and if she included her child in the story she's put that out there to be commented on. Would I have mentioned her responsibilities if she hadn't mentioned the child? Probably not. But I still would have shaken my head at the idea of going into debt to buy something that you wanted (not needed) for someone else, and then blaming them when they didn't fall over themselves in gratitude. I'm not blaming the OP for the fact that this guy turned out to be an ass, but why would you put yourself in debt for someone when you either: don't know them well enough to know that they're going to be an ass, or do know but chose to put yourself in a bad situation for them anyway? I'm sorry, I can't sympathize with someone going into debt for a jerk they don't owe anything to. I'm sorry for the way she's been treated, but that doesn't mean I think she's blameless. And that is where my point about thinking about what reaction you're looking for comes in. It was a gift. It was not conditional on his reaction, that's not what a gift is.

I'm not saying she's blameless, i hope i conveyed that clearly but my main point is that she posted seeking some reassurance that not everyone is a complete douchebag and it got spun around that it's completely her fault...

why did this happen?...she either was under thinking or over thinking the reason for the gift...or both, different aspects of the situation require different ideals
she over thought the idea of doing a nice thing for a person whom she apparently believed was her friend but under thought the consequences of what this might do...i can't really think right now on what other terms to put it in so i'm sorry if that sounds vauge or pointless

how do you keep it from happening?...you could not buy gifts for people at all, or if you do buy smaller gifts only for people she is very close with and get rid of anyone in your life that brings you down in anyway

i don't believe there are any acts that are unselfish

lets say you give a hobo a bottle of water or a sandwich...you do it because it's a nice thing to do and doing nice things makes YOU feel good
now lets say that hobo throws the sandwich at you because they don't want to eat it...that would much rather have a few pennies and dime so that they can go buy crack

so she probably knew the op better than you knew that hobo...so in which case is the op in the right?

gifts are supposed to be unconditional to reaction but sadly it doesn't work that way...if someone doesn't want to appreciate something nice given to them then they shouldn't have it

if you give a child a toy and they don't react in a nice way to it...don't you take the toy away? why should adults be any different?

 

[lafemmenoir]

You live and learn, but I don't think the OP is being bashed for what happened. Additionally, I don't think the feedback is meant to be callous. If the child were not important it would not be the crux of the post. Hence, the responses. If you subtract the phone and insert time, the response would still be "focus on your infant." Why? Because putting good effort into bad is useless. This guy has not proven himself to be worth the stress of what the OP is putting herself through, thus, taking away precious time from a child who relies on her 110% as opposed to this guy who finds Facebook more interesting than establishing a mutual friendship.
In addition, she and he are in two separate countries. In the USA a gift is not something you will ever win in smalls claims court, since she has already extended her financial status, it would not be cost efficient to go that route. At this point, it's merely, a lesson well learned albeit expensive, and the opportunity to vent and get feeback.
Sweetangelkiss, do be careful in the future, I used to buy friends, not saying you do, but there was something in it for me, I had low self worth, wanted to fit in, be accepted and so on. My mother was a giver, and it was who she was but she gave without wanting anything in return. It made her feel good to share with others. Good luck to you and your sweet child.

 

[M.A.C. head.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragdolly ok...first off, i agree you probably shouldn't have bought the phone considering you have a child your priorities are way off but i understand where you are coming from. some people are just born and raised to be generous people, my mom raised me to be the same way but what i don't understand is how all of you can be so harsh granted it was a mistake but the question wasn't "what did i do wrong and am i really a bad parent" it was "why are people like this?" so why are you beating her down about that when really that part of the story is none of your business, she could have left the part out about having a child and it would have made a complete difference in all of your replies and seriously, since when it is ok to do something for someone and get shit in return i think all of you are bs-ing that part i would make this person pay...i would take it to court and get my phone or atleast my money back, granted it was a gift but there are ways around that

So telling the blatant truth = harsh huh?

Oh well *shrugs* sometimes that's what people need to hear to keep from making the same mistakes.

She posted all of that information here on a forum, so we are free to answer to it as we please. As a parent and a responsible adult, I could give a fuck less about anything except the baby. That's just how I feel about it. Yes, it sucks that she was treated badly when she tried to do a good deed, but there are more pressing issues than that; 1) She's financially insecure, 2) most importantly, she has a baby. That's how my, and a lot of other peoples minds obviously, go to work.

This is Specktra, not Sugarcoattra. We keep it real

 

[Beauty Mark]

I responded the way I did, because she sounds like she needs to hear the truth. It sounds like her priorities are not where they should be, honestly.

I'm not saying that it isn't shitty of said person to not thank her, but I really think the OP needs to examine her actions. Why are you buying someone extravagant gifts when you don't have the money/can't even buy them for yourself and worse, have a dependent? It sounds like the child's father is useless and won't bail her out for her mistakes or even give a decent level of support.

I'm not this girl's friend, but I believe in telling people what I honestly think. I feel that if I'm going to bother reading something someone wrote and responding to it, I may as well give them something I feel is useful. She can't do much about it, and I'm not convinced that she won't put herself in this situation again... Maybe the person will be more thankful, but she needs to not spend a lot of money on people when she doesn't have it.

You can't take anyone to court for not being grateful for a gift. That's absurd, and it would get laughed out of court. It's not like a car, which may have my name on the title. Kids may get their toys taken away, but that's by a legal guardian, not a friend.

I'm not saying that the receiver isn't rude, but there's not a lot she can do about it. It sounds like, though, there is a lot she can do about herself via self-reflection to ensure she doesn't further jeopardize her or her baby's future.

 

[nursee81]

My husband was raised to be generous to other people but there comes a time when people just take advantage of you and you are left high and dry. Its happened to my Hubby and his mother but to this day they don't learn. I am one of those hard working people and believe that if you don't have the means for certain things then get over it until you do have the funds. I work too hard to give people things for FREE that don't deserve it.

 

[ClaireAvril]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ragdolly ok...first off, i agree you probably shouldn't have bought the phone considering you have a child your priorities are way off but i understand where you are coming from. some people are just born and raised to be generous people, my mom raised me to be the same way but what i don't understand is how all of you can be so harsh granted it was a mistake but the question wasn't "what did i do wrong and am i really a bad parent" it was "why are people like this?" so why are you beating her down about that when really that part of the story is none of your business, she could have left the part out about having a child and it would have made a complete difference in all of your replies and seriously, since when it is ok to do something for someone and get shit in return i think all of you are bs-ing that part i would make this person pay...i would take it to court and get my phone or atleast my money back, granted it was a gift but there are ways around that

You can't make someone pay and take them to court over a gift.
Gifts are gifts - and giving a gift doesn't guarantee a thank you or a return gift. There was no agreement saying.. ok I am going to give you a gift and you MUST say thank you or I can sue you for damages.
That is the chance you take when you give gifts and you learn from your experience if you don't get what you expect (though you shouldn't expect anything).

People can sugar coat answers and tell her what she wants to hear or they can say the truth.. and the truth will hurt.. and usually the truth is the most sensible answer.

 

[awomanofthelord]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetangelkiss I'm a very nice person At least I think I am ... I have friends so obviously I am doing something right but every once in awhile something will happen and I'll just be so depressed. I can't just sit in a corner and shrug it off. That's not me and that's not how I am. I had a friend who I thought was a good person, with all our friends we love to give them our time and our support. Now, I have a 5 1/2 month old baby and a baby's daddy who only wants to be in his son's life when it makes him more attractive to girls so raising a son and working and trying to be a great mother and friend can get overwhelming at times. Anyways this "friend" wanted an iphone (from the US) and I like to be giving and nice about things. I WANT an iphone TOO but no, this person was going to get one before I did. So I thought I would be nice and buy one for this person... so I did. I had so many problems trying to get it in the first place as I dont live in the US so I had to call AT&T at 2am in the morning in order to speak to someone. I actually set my alarm to wake up at 2am. So after a week of trying to get this damn thing I finally got it organised, overdrew my credit card and had to pay the penalty, I also had to pay the US exchange rate charge which was double the cost advertised... but I didn't mind because I knew this person would LOVE IT. So anyway it gets delivered and the person couldn't FREAKING SAY THANK YOU. There was no thank you so much. I'm so happy for my phone. I had to know about the iphone through their FACEBOOK status!!!!! I was DISGUSTED!!!!!!! So I called this person and everytime I called he would brush me off. I wanted to say Hi, I mean we are friends after all. Then the text messages started "Leave me alone ok". (umm okay?!) and then the really horrible text messages started "You're such a bad mother, no wonder Luca's father didn't want to be in his son's life" and "Your son cries alot, go spend time with him because he's probably crying right now" "Go get pregnant again slut" (How STRANGE!). Then it gets even more bizarre....through out this time I wanna catch up with this person for lunch or a movie but this person tells me "I'm busy with school and work so yeah" yet good old facebook timestamps everything. So if ya so damn busy why is it at 7:45pm you're freaking online ?! This hurts me so much. I wanted to get this off my chest I didn't do anything wrong so I'm trying to uderstand why are people like this?!

Some people can be selfish and not say thank you when you nicely bought something for a bestfriend. Not just anyone but for someone who meant alot to you. And I can see how that can hurt you. Now you know what type of person this is and just be careful next time.