Do you have family members you just DON'T get on with?

[florabundance]

I need some advice on the issue..

My brother is engaged, and I have no doubt that they are very much in love.
But due to (what I put down to) a MAJOR personality clash, his fiance and I just do not get on. Not that we are at eachothers throats all the time or that there is outright drama - but there is always a tension between us...and when we are spending time together (always with my brother present) we have no common ground to build on.

Obviously at school or in the workplace, when there is someone who you don't particularly get on with, it is easy to just disassociate yourself with them if you choose to. But this is my brother's fiance, and I feel like we will be in eachother's lives forever, so why not build some sort of relationship beyond "oh hey....how are you..oh ok, cool".

But is it possible to really force it? And if it is, HOW the hell do you even start?
Has anyone else got a family member, or in-law that they just can't gel with??

 

[User93]

First of all, I wanted to ask - is there and background story maybe? How that all started? Did you ever argue or fight? Maybe even some jealousy of your brother lays there sub coinsciensly (damn idk how to spell that

)

If no, and there is just this uncomfortable feeling, you can try to get over it. For example, when you are together, say something nice to her. Dont flatter or lie, just something nice maybe. Try lughing at her jokes - laughter connects people really good. Try to be diplomatic, but not "cold" if you know what I mean. You dont have to be her friend, you 2 can just communicate nice together.

I know some stories when people who didnt like each other ended up being really cool friends!

 

[TISH1124]

My husband's youngest sister and I do not get along at all...We don't argue because I avoid her like the plaque! There has been major tension between us from day one of me meetng my husband and we used to have words until she realized that if my husband had to choose his immediate family came first....
One reason is because I cut out his paying her bills since she is 30 years old and Married!! But the main reason is...She is best friends with my dh's ex and it was not a good seperation. He broke it off with her and she never accepted it was over and his sister desperately wanted him to be with the ex who had no issues with him supporting her and her husband.
So on the rare unplanned and holiday times we are together at a family function we are cordial..But we do not go out of our way to have indepth conversation by any means. It's hello, How are you...How are the kids? Good...Ok...Then I move on to conversate with the rest of his family. And when there are family functions at my parents house...she is not invited

I will allow myself to be uncomfortable in his families environment for a few hours ...but I damn sure am not going to be uncomfortable at mines.

 

[sharkbytes]

It might just be that she seems cold to you because she's intimidated. You've been his sister for a lot longer than she's been his fiancee. You do have one very important thing in common--your brother. My best advice is to try and include her every so often in an activity. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just something little so you can have some time with her when your brother isn't around. If she's still just someone you can't get along with, I'd just keep my distance and be polite until things improve. And they most likely will, since most people wouldn't want to alienate their fiancee's family. Good luck~

 

[blindpassion]

I think theres a big misconception that just because someone is your family that everything has to be buddy buddy.

Theres a point when its okay not to get along with someone, even if they are your family. They are just another person in this world, and all you can do is try your best and be the best person you can be, and realize that you're not going to mesh with everyone.

 

[Beauty Mark]

What happened? Seriously, I didn't like my brother's now ex, but I also was able to be civil to her. If you find that you genuinely can't get along or talk about anything with her, I would try to see if you can at least be civil. Talk about the weather, ask about her upcoming wedding.

You may never be BFF, but maybe you can get through things well enough

 

[florabundance]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alibi Did you ever argue or fight? Maybe even some jealousy of your brother lays there sub coinsciensly (damn idk how to spell that )

It's funny you mention that - because my mum noticed the tension between us and was like "maybe you're just being subconsciously protective or jealous because it's your brother". And I considered it, but we actually used to get along in the beginning, in the sense that we were genuinely pleasent..but now it seems entirely forced on both sides.

We did have it out recently. A small stupid thing, where my brother called her on the way she spoke to me. I asked her a question to which she snapped back, and I let it go but he was like "what the hell", so i thought it was appropriate to say that I often felt like there was that kind of tension between us - being short and snappy with one another. And she got INCREDIBLY defensive and called me out as though I was attacking her - shouting and all kinds. She is one of those people who acts like they are being attacked if someone disagrees with her opinion and that is something that rubs me the wrong way with anybody.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 I will allow myself to be uncomfortable in his families environment for a few hours ...but I damn sure am not going to be uncomfortable at mines.

LOL I can't begin to say how much i admire you girl. Diplomatic yet strong - i hope i can learn to be that way!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharkbytes It might just be that she seems cold to you because she's intimidated. You've been his sister for a lot longer than she's been his fiancee.

Yeah..that makes sense, and it fits her personality (or at least how i see her) really well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion I think theres a big misconception that just because someone is your family that everything has to be buddy buddy. Theres a point when its okay not to get along with someone, even if they are your family. They are just another person in this world, and all you can do is try your best and be the best person you can be, and realize that you're not going to mesh with everyone.

I think you're right

 

[M.A.C. head.]

You don't need to try to get along with her, just be cordial. As mentioned you don't have to be buddy buddy with everyone, just ignore her if you can and be civil when you can't.

I have to say, I'm REALLY surprised and HAPPY that your brother stood up for you when she got an attitude. A lot of guys get pussy whipped and act like only their gf's/fiance's/wife's feelings matter. And then there are other times when it's the opposite. I just want to see people sticking up for who is RIGHT in these situations.

 

[Shimmer]

Best thing you can do is be as cordial as possible. Civil and polite. It's not your job to love her, it's his, and he chose her.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

I have tones of family members I don't get along with. Mainly my two aunts on my dad's side. They also both hate my mom (the aunts are very conservative and religious, my mom is not) but she was always civil to them and my dad always defended her. I remember at one point my dad didn't talk to his sisters for over 1 year because they disrespected my mom. Now, they're not fighting or anything, They are civil to my mom and she to them, but they will never be anything close to friends.

I agree with the other posters. You don't have to be best friends with her, just act civil around her. If she starts a fight or something for no reason, I'm sure ppl will be able to see who the immature person is

 

[LP_x]

I had a similar problem with my fiance's brother's now ex-wife. Our 'conversations' were barely 3 words long. We were civil to each other, don't get me wrong... we just didn't gel. No-one in the family got on with her TBH. She's very hard to get on with.

Shimmer sums it up perfectly. Just be polite and civil.

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

This is my situation, i've pretty much gotten over it though.

I dislike 90% of my husband family members. From the very beginning of our relationship they used to say to my husband, we don't accept her, shes not catholic, your in an pretty extreme bi-racial relationship (hispanic and asian), shes doesn't have good morals, her actions are very questionable, shes impolite, on and on and on. All this BS they like to constantly bring up every time i see them. I've just come to assume that they probably think he could find someone better.

I think i've given up on trying to get on their good side. And every time there is a family function i've already gotten used to the whole awkwardness, and i just sit smile and bare it. Not a good feeling thats for sure. But i also have to understand that all of his family came from south africa and spain, i'm extremely different than they are, but we couldn't put our differences aside.

But try to never get to a point where you guys cant stand being in the same room with each other. Like everyone else said you guys don't need to be best friends, but because you love your brother and don't want any drama, be civil as you can be.

I think if you get the chance, you should ask questions about her, be a conversationalist, let her do all the talking while you listen. Maybe she'll open up to you more

 

[florabundance]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx I think i've given up on trying to get on their good side. And every time there is a family function i've already gotten used to the whole awkwardness, and i just sit smile and bare it.

That is so unfair on you and that's why I needed advice on the issue - cos i don't want to be *that* person, not to her, and not to my brother.

Maybe I just had/have an idea of what I assumed my sister-in-law to be like, and she just wasn't that. It's not her fault, or even A fault to begin with. Just the way it is.

Families can be confusing

 

[DirtyPlum]

OMG girl, we need to talk! Yes, I just do not get on with my sister in law (brothers wife) and I can totally relate!
My bro has been married for about 4 yrs now, and they have been living with us (me n parents). To begin with, I was fine with her and her with me but then as we got to know each other (and live with each other) it got pretty sh*tty. Basically me and my bro get on really well and she knows as my brothers youngest sister, he has a lot of time for me and even mentioned out of his four sisters, I'm his fave. His mistake!

I think that has infiltrated her mind and now I cant do any right by her. It’s a long story so I will keep it really brief - started when in light convo I mentioned she needs to stop giving the full-on gory details of her pregnancy to anyone and everyone we meet - he asked her to tone it down and she didn’t like that I mentioned it (petty right). So basically from there, she gave him the biggest list of things she didn’t like about me (I was totally unaware of these 'things' that were bugging her) and from there its never been the same.

She basically stopped talking to me for a whole yr (whilst living in the same house) but my mum got us to sort it out and we were ok for a while… up until recently she has begun to get on my t*ts again. She for some reason still doesn’t like me and has said some pretty rude and hurtful things about me however she still:
* stares at me and my MU and what I wear
* copies my style and hairstyles (well tries to!)
* flexes any new clothes shoes or MU she buys, in my face
* slates my friends and girls who are 'similar' to me
* indirectly drops comments to spite me / hurt me
* won't let me and my brother have a chat without her being around

So I spoke with my brother and mentioned her recent behaviour, I didn’t want to do it as I don’t want to cause any probs between them but when I heard a couple of personal comments she made abt me, it was the last straw. He was upset and said at the end of the day she is his wife and yes she does have some attributes that arent particularly favourable but as her husband, he has to live with them. He just told me that she can be a bit paranoid and that I should just change some of my ways to accommodate her - I said, no I don’t have to change myself and will not, yes he may have to, but not me.

So basically, I still have to live with her and I do struggle cos sometimes feel I cant relax in my own home cos to be frank, I cant bear to be in the same room as her. But I have to keep it civil until he can afford to move out and we only speak to each other if we have to i.e. pass the salt pls etc lol!

Patience is a virtue - my mum tells me to bite my tongue cos she doesn’t want any complaints of our family as horrible/bad in-laws, so I do.
I know sometimes its difficult to be nice to someone you don’t like cos you can feel a bit two-faced but just keep it real and keep it simple. My immediate family are aware of our 'relationship' and fortunately have told me that its her, not me. I get on with everyone I know and my family know what kinda person I am… that’s all that matters.
Remember - nothing anyone ever does is because of you. They do it because of them!
PM me if u need to.

 

[Rennah]

I don't get along with my 2 sisters that I live with.

 

[couturesista]

I don't get along with a cousin. I love her ,but from a distance and I wish her nothing but the best. When I see her I don't speak, because I can't bring myself to lie to myself and act as if care, because I don't.

 

[Miss A]

yep i dont like my mom, mother, mommy, whatever
you cant talk to her without her flipping the subject and relating it to herself (i.e. you know this coffee is really kinda stale tasting, her= oh yeah i know (oh and SHE ALWAYS KNOWS) when i was little we had this coffee and i this i that blah blah blah.

its too complicated to explain but I DONT LIKE HER!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[couturesista]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss A yep i dont like my mom, mother, mommy, whatever you cant talk to her without her flipping the subject and relating it to herself (i.e. you know this coffee is really kinda stale tasting, her= oh yeah i know (oh and SHE ALWAYS KNOWS) when i was little we had this coffee and i this i that blah blah blah. its too complicated to explain but I DONT LIKE HER!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW, did you make her aware this? You know sometimes people do things and are not aware that their doing it. I'm not making excuses for her

, just asking. Sometimes I feel the same way about my mom, but I've gotten use to it. Unlike other relatives, she's my mom and I tolerate her craziness/ I know and knew everything about it before it happened type attitude.

 

[carandru]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss A yep i dont like my mom, mother, mommy, whatever you cant talk to her without her flipping the subject and relating it to herself (i.e. you know this coffee is really kinda stale tasting, her= oh yeah i know (oh and SHE ALWAYS KNOWS) when i was little we had this coffee and i this i that blah blah blah. its too complicated to explain but I DONT LIKE HER!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG, I feel the same way and sometimes I feel so bad about it

. Like that's my mom, I'm supposed to love her to death. But man she is

sometimes. Like literally. She thinks that if you don't agree with her or if you don't give her what she wants, then you must hate her or be jealous of her. She will tell you that straight to your face and then start crying. She won't stop until you give her what she wants... like ugh you are 50, grow the F* up. We told her about herself and she just went into another one of her rants.

She was getting better until my brother was murdered a few years ago. Now, when she's not going off about how we are jealous of her, she's talking about my deceased brother ALLLLLL THE TIME and how we don't understand her pain. I have no idea what it feels like to lose a son, so I can't speak on her pain. But she acts as if we didn't lose a brother... and since she's so wrapped up in that it's like we lost our mother as well.

I really wish the circumstances were different b/c now we don't even go to visit our family b/c of her. I don't hardly ever see my niece and nephew or my grandmother simply b/c I don't want to have to deal w/ her.

Yea, I have a highly dysfunctional family. Good thing I figured out this was actually kinda normal.

EDIT: Why did I come back, read this, and feel like it's a bit of an overshare

O well, maybe my story will bring someone comfort..... maybe

 

[lafemmenoir]

My family could fit on one of those crazy chat shows and still have people going

I have not dated in years or had close friends as the story is so embarassing and for their protection, until I can cut the umbilical cord, it's best to avoid any discussion of family. MAYBE one day I'll meet a good man and embrace his, but for me, there is far too much I can't accept about them and it's beyond small things or arguments it's really bad, so I stay away as much as I can, and realise that line in the song, "What a fool believes, no wise man has the power to reason away." Don't let them have power of your right to be happy. Some people thrive of chaos and making others unhappy because of their own issues. Good luck!