drug use, and the one you love.

[hello_my_apple]

i honestly cant talk about this with anyone else, friends or family. it's almost embarrassing and i'm almost sick of crying about it and not knowing what to do. my fiance and i were at a friends get together and i knew that there would be alcohol and weed there, but i personally dont like smoking weed but it doesnt bother me when other people do it. this time at the party there was cocaine there, and my fiance took some, it did'nt make me totally uncomfortable because i "thought" i knew him and i know that this isnt something he does often, once is bad i know but he stopped partying with it around his junior year of college. but ever since the time we went out, he's always fucking doing it. i get upset and he tells me to calm down and stop being such a bitch about it, "im not a coke head", is what he will tell me. recently i found a bag behind our dvd player, i didnt say anything. the 2 days later THAT bag was gone only to be replaced by a different colored bag. i took it and put it on the living room table and waited for him to come home. to make a long arguement story short i basically told him if this is going to be a problem and become a habit he can take his shit and get the fuck out with his ring and he told me to "stop treating him like a junkie". since then things have been getting worse i call him often and im at work worrying about him. everytime i'm at work and i hear "white male, possible OD" my heart starts pounding. when he tries to be affectionate with me i push him away and i dont kiss him because even though he's not bringing it home anymore i know for sure he's most likely doing it when he's out with his friends. i'm inlove with him dearly and i dont want him to die, and it pisses me the hell off because KNOWS my uncle died of a cocaine OD when he was 34 which was only 2 years ago! should i bring it to his parents attention, i know he's a 26 year old man, but i dont have the strength to handle this on my own, it's been stressing me out, everytime he comes home im happy he's there ALIVE but pissed because i know he'd prob been using it. what should i do guys?

 

[Shanti]

I'm not so sure if I'd believe his "I'm not a cokehead" thing... because if he wasn't, he'd stop as soon as knowing you hate it, especially after the death of your uncle (sorry to hear that by the way).
I don't know if it would be a bad idea to throw an ultimatum?
But so long as this goes on... I'd try to get some outsider help in some form.

Good luck.

 

[TISH1124]

Well I was married to a cokehead...and he denied denied denied...even when I took him to the emergency room when he ruptured his nostrils from snorting and his nose would not stop bleeding....He even said the Dr was lying ...Ok sure....It started with simply lacing his weed with coke...then that was not strong enuff so it went to Coke straight up....The "I can stop whenever I want to" Ok Now then...Now never came....I can't tell you what you should do...But I know it is a serious problem and its hard for them to kick it unless they hit rock bottom ...and most will NEVER admit they are addicted or have a problem...Maybe 1% out of 99% admit it...And they get angry when you ask or talk about it...it's always our fault for being concerned..we are bitching, nagging and making them want to do drugs ...Ok NOT!!! I think you should do what is best for you...and I am sure you have some idea what that is. Just be strong ...I hope it all works out for both of you.

 

[User35]

I would get out quick. He wont and probably never will admit that he has a problem. It will become worse. It will become more dangerous for himself and possibly you if you stick around. You cant change him, only he can. And you know what fuck him for saying "dont be a bitch about it"...hes a freaking coke head and you are the one with your head on straight. Anywho do whats best and safest for you, you are all you've got. Hes got his drugs so look out for whats best for you. Most of the time the hardest decision to make is the right one.

 

[L1LMAMAJ]

i'm so sorry that you're going through this! i can't even begin to imagine how tough it is for you. i'm glad you are confronting him about it although it is so hard for you. what did he say when u threatened to leave him? you need to just keep talking to him and praying about it because only time can tell whether he will be able to quit the drug use. if you have to, get professional help. i know he's your fiance and you really love him. i hope things get better for you. stay strong, sweetie!

 

[gildedangel]

It sounds like there needs to be an intervention here. As Tish said, he will never fess up to being addicted. I think that his family and his non-coke friends all need to be involved in it, because I will bet that they will support you and want him to get better. There is strength in numbers. I hope that this all works out for you!

 

[hello_my_apple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1124 Well I was married to a cokehead...and he denied denied denied...even when I took him to the emergency room when he ruptured his nostrils from snorting and his nose would not stop bleeding....He even said the Dr was lying ...Ok sure....It started with simply lacing his weed with coke...then that was not strong enuff so it went to Coke straight up....The "I can stop whenever I want to" Ok Now then...Now never came....I can't tell you what you should do...But I know it is a serious problem and its hard for them to kick it unless they hit rock bottom ...and most will NEVER admit they are addicted or have a problem...Maybe 1% out of 99% admit it...And they get angry when you ask or talk about it...it's always our fault for being concerned..we are bitching, nagging and making them want to do drugs ...Ok NOT!!! I think you should do what is best for you...and I am sure you have some idea what that is. Just be strong ...I hope it all works out for both of you.

thats the thing i've never said christian i think youre a coke head, but if i think that to myself it hurts my heart to think im inlove with someone who is starting a serious habit. i dont wanna leave him i cant imagine my whole being without him. he's all i know and i ever loved. my uncle died alone in a house on his knees from his OD. people (me included) gave up on him and his rock bottom was death. i dont want that for my fiance. do you think if i approached non-confrontational he'd understand how it's hurting me?

 

[hello_my_apple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by L1LMAMAJ i'm so sorry that you're going through this! i can't even begin to imagine how tough it is for you. i'm glad you are confronting him about it although it is so hard for you. what did he say when u threatened to leave him? you need to just keep talking to him and praying about it because only time can tell whether he will be able to quit the drug use. if you have to, get professional help. i know he's your fiance and you really love him. i hope things get better for you. stay strong, sweetie!

when i was saying i was gonna leave him, he basically said it's not serious and he's not a coke head but im like sitting here and it's almost 4 in the moring i cant sleep. i dont know how to talk to him without cursing at him getting upset and getting physical. it's like i love him and someone said before to just "fuck him" but i've given him half my life almost! i cant just say fuck him, and i know if i tell my family they will tell me to leave him. i want to get him help and i want him to break this habit before it gets out of control i messed up with my uncle and i just want a way thats gonna work for us i want to know if there's something that i could be doing differently that's making him turn to this.

 

[VickyT]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello_my_apple my uncle died alone in a house on his knees from his OD. people (me included) gave up on him and his rock bottom was death.

This is a very harsh thing to say, but sometimes people get what they deserve. I don't think you've been ambiguous about what behaviour you expect out of him, and ~I~ don't believe those expectations are unreasonable either.

Yes, it would be nice if he was able and wanted to confront his drug issues (even if hes not addicted, he still has issues), but I don't think this is the case here. Do you want him to take you down into the life of a hard drugs user? Even if you don't partake (you seem pretty reasonable and on the ball), you still might wind up living with a junkie. I suspect you have an idea about what that lifestyle is like, from observing your uncle.

What it comes down to is: hes doing something you don't like. You are valid in not liking it. Does he have the ability and strength to rectify it, either because you don't like it, or because its just plain bad? I suspect not.

 

[Willa]

Do what's the best for you and your future
He clearly doesnt want to admit he's addicted, and it doesnt seem his love for you can help the situation.

Don't waste too much time and energy trying to help him figure out, he's a grown man.

 

[hello_my_apple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VickyT This is a very harsh thing to say, but sometimes people get what they deserve. I don't think you've been ambiguous about what behaviour you expect out of him, and ~I~ don't believe those expectations are unreasonable either. Yes, it would be nice if he was able and wanted to confront his drug issues (even if hes not addicted, he still has issues), but I don't think this is the case here. Do you want him to take you down into the life of a hard drugs user? Even if you don't partake (you seem pretty reasonable and on the ball), you still might wind up living with a junkie. I suspect you have an idea about what that lifestyle is like, from observing your uncle. What it comes down to is: hes doing something you don't like. You are valid in not liking it. Does he have the ability and strength to rectify it, either because you don't like it, or because its just plain bad? I suspect not.

that was a VERY harsh thing to say, noone EVER deserves to die. and im kind of appalled that you would even say something like that.

 

[TISH1124]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello_my_apple thats the thing i've never said christian i think youre a coke head, but if i think that to myself it hurts my heart to think im inlove with someone who is starting a serious habit. i dont wanna leave him i cant imagine my whole being without him. he's all i know and i ever loved. my uncle died alone in a house on his knees from his OD. people (me included) gave up on him and his rock bottom was death. i dont want that for my fiance. do you think if i approached non-confrontational he'd understand how it's hurting me?

That freaked me out...My son is named Christian....

What happened to your Uncle was the way that your uncle chose to live and die...Addictions are not the fault of the family but a personal choice...A person has to want help for themselves before they can receive it from anyone else. Again, I say do whats best for you...But the first step for any addict is admitting they have a problem...If they never admit they have a problem they can never get help...

I also know when you love someone it is soooo hard to just turn away from them for any reason....My first husband was my very first love and my first experience and it was so hard to walk away from him...He had two small boys when we met which I adopted ....and walking away from him and taking his kids was the hardest but BEST thing I did for him....A year later he did get help and he did become a better person...But he did not get that help the 13 years we were together. So leaving him hurt...But it helped him so I am good with it.

 

[couturesista]

Everything that needed to be said has been said, so I'll just say that i'm sorry for your pain and I will keep you and him in my prayers

 

[bethr]

Cocaine is dangerous because it hightens blood pressure which could lead to a stroke, he needs to get off that stuff ASAP. If this goes on, it will be a continous problem which may eventually cause a break-up, which is probably for the best, IF you can't sort this out with him, but you should be able to, I have every faith in you

 

[bethr]

Cocaine is dangerous because it hightens blood pressure which could lead to a stroke, he needs to get off that stuff ASAP. If this goes on, it will be a continous problem which may eventually cause a break-up, which is probably for the best, IF you can't sort this out with him, but you should be able to, I have every faith in you

 

[kaylabella]

My uncle is also addicted to the drug. It started about 6 years ago, and unfortunately, we have all pretty much given up on him ever pulling himself out of it. It's scary to see someone wasting away right before your eyes, especially someone who you love and who you remember always being such a strong and healthy and caring person.
My father also suffered from this type of addiction, but was able to pull out of it many years ago, and I think the main difference between the two is that my mother stood by him, while my aunt pretty much severed the ties really early on.
So, as a person who has lived through family members and important people in my life going through drug addictions, I would say to let his parents know what he is doing so that they can try and help you to get him help, and I am sure that if you explain the situation to your family, that you don't want to see him fall and want to help him get better, will try and be supportive, especially since your uncle just passed away. Hopefully your family will be able to help talk him into some sort of inpatient treatment, because outpatient could be way too tempting for now, just know that it wont be an easy ride for anyone and you'll need lots of support and help to make it through the experience.
The main idea is to try and help the person you love to save himself, so try and keep a hold on him, but if things don't get any better or take a turn for the worst, don't let him take you down with him. I just think that if he has someone who believes that he can get clean, he will be able to do it.
I hope that helped somehow.

 

[hello_my_apple]

update: i spoke to my fiance and i basically poured my heart out to him no- confrontational, and he TRULY saw how it hurt me, he has made great efforts to stop. he thinks he doesnt need rehab but we spoke to our pastor and have aggreed to go to weekly meetings to get to the root of his drug problem ... together. the hardest thing is watching him go through his withdrawls and seeing him in pain and him trying to be strong. im so greatful to everyone's advice. we just see how long his progress last. it's only been a couple days but it has to start from somewhere. thanks guys!

 

[TISH1124]

^^ The fact that he is willing to do that is a Good Start!!! It means he knows he has a problem and he wants to get help for it....I am so happy things seem to working out well...Good Luck to both of you

 

[Strawberrymold]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hello_my_apple i honestly cant talk about this with anyone else, friends or family. it's almost embarrassing and i'm almost sick of crying about it and not knowing what to do. my fiance and i were at a friends get together and i knew that there would be alcohol and weed there, but i personally dont like smoking weed but it doesnt bother me when other people do it. this time at the party there was cocaine there, and my fiance took some, it did'nt make me totally uncomfortable because i "thought" i knew him and i know that this isnt something he does often, once is bad i know but he stopped partying with it around his junior year of college. but ever since the time we went out, he's always fucking doing it. i get upset and he tells me to calm down and stop being such a bitch about it, "im not a coke head", is what he will tell me. recently i found a bag behind our dvd player, i didnt say anything. the 2 days later THAT bag was gone only to be replaced by a different colored bag. i took it and put it on the living room table and waited for him to come home. to make a long arguement story short i basically told him if this is going to be a problem and become a habit he can take his shit and get the fuck out with his ring and he told me to "stop treating him like a junkie". since then things have been getting worse i call him often and im at work worrying about him. everytime i'm at work and i hear "white male, possible OD" my heart starts pounding. when he tries to be affectionate with me i push him away and i dont kiss him because even though he's not bringing it home anymore i know for sure he's most likely doing it when he's out with his friends. i'm inlove with him dearly and i dont want him to die, and it pisses me the hell off because KNOWS my uncle died of a cocaine OD when he was 34 which was only 2 years ago! should i bring it to his parents attention, i know he's a 26 year old man, but i dont have the strength to handle this on my own, it's been stressing me out, everytime he comes home im happy he's there ALIVE but pissed because i know he'd prob been using it. what should i do guys?

If there is anything I have truly learned in life is only you have the power to chose how you want to change your life. YOU have to realize that you are better then the things you do and that you are worth more than a fake feeling. I am being vague, yes, because I am embarrassed that I have had some moments I am not so proud of. Still after watching my best friend and one of the most wonderful people I have ever known die, I feel it worth commenting on. People are able to justify drug use because we all have things about our lives we are not happy with. It becomes very easy to ignore the concerns of others because the feeling of being able to escape the things you don’t like about yourself or your life is amazing. Any comment by others who do not share this view becomes very easy to dismiss because “how could they understand?” or perhaps you haven’t even reached the point yet of realizing just how far you have gotten... or perhaps you are already there but trust me ignoring it and letting “fate” take it’s course feels way easier than listening. In my experience people who have any serious addiction hate any kind of pity, and even if that’s not what you are selling, that’s what he is thinking it is. I’m sure he knows he’s in a bad place so you pointing it out, even though you mean well and have his best interest in mind, still feels like criticism.

Show him why life without using is fun and worth living. Do things together were drugs aren’t an option. You don’t even need to talk about it, he knows.

Only he can decide that he doesn’t need a drug to keep him happy or sane.

Still you can help by pointing out all the reasons his live is good and not worth wasting.

I hope that helps.

I have a lot of experience with helping friends get off drugs, you are welcome to PM me if you want more advice.

 

[hello_my_apple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strawberrymold If there is anything I have truly learned in life is only you have the power to chose how you want to change your life. YOU have to realize that you are better then the things you do and that you are worth more than a fake feeling. I am being vague, yes, because I am embarrassed that I have had some moments I am not so proud of. Still after watching my best friend and one of the most wonderful people I have ever known die, I feel it worth commenting on. People are able to justify drug use because we all have things about our lives we are not happy with. It becomes very easy to ignore the concerns of others because the feeling of being able to escape the things you don’t like about yourself or your life is amazing. Any comment by others who do not share this view becomes very easy to dismiss because “how could they understand?” or perhaps you haven’t even reached the point yet of realizing just how far you have gotten... or perhaps you are already there but trust me ignoring it and letting “fate” take it’s course feels way easier than listening. In my experience people who have any serious addiction hate any kind of pity, and even if that’s not what you are selling, that’s what he is thinking it is. I’m sure he knows he’s in a bad place so you pointing it out, even though you mean well and have his best interest in mind, still feels like criticism. Show him why life without using is fun and worth living. Do things together were drugs aren’t an option. You don’t even need to talk about it, he knows. Only he can decide that he doesn’t need a drug to keep him happy or sane. Still you can help by pointing out all the reasons his live is good and not worth wasting. I hope that helps. I have a lot of experience with helping friends get off drugs, you are welcome to PM me if you want more advice.

im not sure if im understanding you luv. so youre saying that i shouldnt bring his drug use that was being done under my nose in MY house to his attention? im sorry but he is NOT building a life with me based on me considering "his feelings" and making him not feel critizied. so yea im gonna point out every fact about his drug use to him. im not gonna ignore the fact that he uses by taking him bowling every weekend to show him life is fun without the drug, because at the end of the day when im sleeping he could be in the bathroom blowing our future in so many ways than one. i'm not feeling pity at all. i just want him to be accountable for himself/actions. as of right now he's trying with every fiber of his being to kick this habit, i thank my lucky stars that he realizes that he could loose everything.