Finally admitting defeat (warning-it's graphic.)

[marusia]

Let me just say that this will be the most intimate thing you ever see me post...ever...on here. It's a very touchy subject, and since I don't have anywhere private to post, I'll just post it on here, as I've come to know a lot of you as my friends.

Today is Bobby's (my fiance) 30th birthday. He didn't want anything tangible.

For almost a year now, he's been begging me to go to the doctor. The last few months came very, very apparent to me that I needed to go. I finally decided for myself that I would call the mental health hotline today as my gift to him.

After explaining what was going on, I was told to come in as soon as possible. They usually take at least a month to get an appointment, but I was taken as a walk-in, since they viewed me as "in crisis" (I have a 4 month old daughter in my home.)

I've been having some very, very severe issues going on inside my head. Some of you know a tiny bit about my past. It was f***ing horrible, to say the least. My parents divorced when I was seven, my brother died when I was eight, and my mother went apeshit shortly thereafter. She was only moderately (I guess?) abusive for the next couple years. She would beat the hell out of us for no reason, with a bullwhip, paddles, belts, things like that. When I turned eleven, she met a man named Kurt. He got her addicted to crack. She...I didn't even know who she was anymore. I didn't view it as abuse anymore...it was more like she just gave up and was trying to kill us. (me and my sisters) She started hitting us in the head with boards and all sorts of horrible stuff that I can't even find myself to repeat. My sisters and I were eating about 2x a week then, and that was only because we were shoplifting the food. Anyways, we were taken away shortly after and I was put into group homes until I turned 18.

The only reason I wrote that, is because after all the thousands of hours of therapy, I thought I'd put it all behind me. When I was about 5 months pregnant, my Grandma said she'd spoke to my mother and she'd said "that I don't have any place to be a mother". I...still can't get that sentence out of my head. Seriously. It f***s with me everyday now. Every time I think about it, I become irate.

Anyways, so today at the office, I was told that they want to put me on meds to help with the stress and depression. They also think it's in my best interest to get back into therapy. I want to do all this for Delia. (my daughter) She, and every child, deserves a life filled with love and acceptance. I'm so afraid that some day I'll become the thing I hate more than anything, my mom. I can't even put into words how afraid I am that someday I'll become that monster. I didn't want to go to the doctor, I seriously didn't. I think of people on "head meds", and I don't want to be categorized as crazy.

This is probably deeper material than I should be writing in a public forum, but thanks for letting me share. It's been a huge weight on my shoulders, and I'm really hoping that talking to the therapist will help me to stop thinking of myself as such a bad person when I never did anything wrong.

 

[joey444]

Thank you for sharing and I think you're brave for calling to get help. The very fact that you are doing it to help your daughter and to better yourself is admirable and that you are conscious of the person that you DON'T want to become means you are already ahead of the game. I wish you the best of luck and trust me, no one is going to categorize you as "crazy" for what you are doing.

 

[Mabelle]

Holy shit, I'm so so sorry you had to go through that.
I wish you the best of luck with your meds and therapy, and i sincerely hope your find some peace and so semblance of closure.
The fact that you're doing all of this for your daughter prouves that DO have "place to be a mother". You obviously love her immensely.

 

[GGBlu]

I see nothing in this post that is an admission of defeat. What I see is a woman finally taking charge of her life and putting an end to the cycle of violence. Perhaps if your mother would have had the courage you are displaying, you and your sisters wouldn't have suffered the childhood you did.

You should be praised for taking the steps you have. Mental health is not something that should be taken lightly and the very fact that you have decided to enter into treatment for it for the sake of your daughter is tangible proof that your own mother was wrong and you do in fact have a place being a mother.

Hold your head up high and be proud of the choice you have made. It's not an easy one, but you're certainly on the right path.

 

[bellaxo812]

First, I would like to applaud you for taking the steps necessary to take control of your life. It takes a special person to do what you are doing and not just sit back and be the victim. I'm sorry to hear of all the crap you went through in your life...noone deserves that. You're daughter is very lucky to have a mother like you who wants nothing but happiness for her and is taking the steps necessary to make that happen for her. Best of luck and well wishes for you and your family.

 

[hello_my_apple]

i think youre actually admitting that youre a survivor, and youre not being defeated. i think the fact that youre getting help is so awesome and youre doing a self less thing, youre getting the help you need because YOU want to be a BETTER mom for your daughter. you said something so profound it almost made me tear up, you said every child should get a chance and desrves love and acceptance, and the fact that you accept that you had an unfortunate past and want to break a cycle that could form is VERY commendable. my hear goes out to you and i have no doubt that you are and will continue to be a good mom. good luck with everything hun.

 

[DigitalRain]

I take Lexapro and trust me it HELPS. A LOT. I have severe problems with depression and anxiety, and only when I got on meds did it level off. I definitely feel your pain. Hang in there!!

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

You are amazingly brave, and you are arming yourself with the tools that will help you be successful and help you break the cycle. I think you are strong, and I admire you so much for sharing your story. Your daughter was so lucky to have been born to you, abuse can be a never ending cycle, and you love her enough that you are determined to rise above the pain and harm your mother caused you.

 

[Candy Christ]

I would like to applaud you. Too many people go without help. I disagree with you. You are not "defeated". Instead you are a survivor admitting survival and pretty damn tough I've gotta say. I wish you the best of everything, meds, therapy, life, every single thing. Many close members of my family suffer from depression and I, along with even more of them, from anxiety.

My father was abused as a child. His father was constantly drunk. Any money he made was spent on gambling and alcohol. He along with his mother & siblings were beaten regularly. The children were not allowed to eat, therefore they ate food off of school floors, sidewalks, and out of garbage cans. They wore torn and dirty clothes with broken shoes. This went on until they left in their 20's. My father never looked for help and many times has fallen into deep depressions. He's distant from me and my siblings. He hardly talks and you wouldn't even realize he lives in the same house as us. Now he regrets it since we're growing up.

You love your daughter very very much by helping yourself. I really do applaud you for doing these things, like I said, so many people choose different routes. You chose the best one and you should be proud of yourself. You are NOT crazy. You do not need to worry about being like your mother. These actions you are taking show the love you have for your daughter. Best of luck to all of this and you will do well!

I apologize for the long post, but I wish that more people would make decisions that you did.

 

[littlepickle]

Good on you for seeking help, I have just taken my first steps in doing the same. From everything I have seen of you on this board, you seem like the most amazing person and mother. It is a very strong person who admits they are unwell, and a stronger one to get help for it. Your daughter and partner will thank you for your courage. My childhood was not as hard as others, but there have definitely been rough periods: abuse, divorce, etc. I've lived with depression since the age of 9 and everytime I think I can push it away or know what to expect, it changes. Anytime you want to talk, I'm a PM away

Much love,

Lani

 

[LMD84]

sweetie you have taken a huge step by calling your doctor and i bet your hubby is so proud of you for doing so. you have been through more than what anybody should have but hopefully now you can finally start to work your way through it and past it, to give your daughetr a wonderful life. as for you having 'no place to be a mother' - that is terrible and a horrid thing to say. perhaps your mum said it because she is bitter because she failed so badly at being a good mother. who knows. but at least you are getting the help and support you need now.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

There's more to being a mother than "keeping the kids around," especially if she's being abusive. I hope your sisters are doing well?

 

[InspiredBlue]

There is absolutely no shame in taking meds that help improve ones quality of life.

 

[Dreamingeagle24]

Just by speaking these things is a huge step in letting it all go. You are not the same person as your mother... and you can do the opposite of what she did, which is be loving and kind. It will be okay to let go of that fear and allow yourself to be happy. You deserve love and happiness just as much as any other being on this planet. Just because those horrible things happened to you, does not mean you will also project them onto your own children. You always have a choice... and it seems in your heart you already chose the opposite of what you experienced.

As for the meds, there is no shame in getting any form of modern treatment. Those things can help you move into a more peaceful state. It does not mean you have to be on them forever... but they might help you through the roughest emotional patch. You are a beautiful person, inside and out... allow that to reflect form you instead of the fears you hold onto.

I will be praying for you. The road to peace isn't near as painful as the road you already walked in the past. The worst has already been done.
Peace and blessings.

 

[Pannekoek]

First of all i would like to say that the way you talk about your daughter really shows how much you love and care for her, and isn't that what being a mother is about?
So don't get your mothers' comments get to you. Looking how she did in the past she has no right to judge you and your capabilities because clearly she doesn't know how a mother should behave.

Regarding your anxiety and depression i really want you to know that going to the doctor is the best thing you could have done for yourself, your husband and your daughter.
Seriously, the sooner you help yourself, the better and faster you will recover.
So i agree with everyone else that you are not defeated but very courageous by not only talking to a doctor about this but also posting this in public.

i wish you lots of strength and support

 

[marusia]

Thanks everyone for all the support, I really appreciate it.

I mean defeat in that I'm admitting I can't make it without help. I'm very, very stubborn to say the least.

To the previous question on how it affected my sisters, it's strange to me. I turned out different than the three. They all turned out very co-dependent. I'm the exact opposite. I push people away. That's something I've been working on. They've also been afraid of "bettering"? themselves. I'm in college, they haven't tried anything like that out of fear of failure. I try to help them all the time.

The most heartbreaking thing, I feel, is what my older sister is doing. She's my best friend. Anyways, she's trying to make money to support her boyfriend. I've told her a million times that I wanted to teach her how to sell online. She's afraid it won't work, so she instead is a "cam model"..it's basically a nice way of saying a cam whore. It's very heartbreaking that she thinks she can't find anything better than that. I really hope I can help her change her mind on that, as it's such a degrading occupation. She doesn't even enjoy it, and for what she's doing, she should be making a lot more money.

Anyways, thanks again. Your kind words are very encouraging.

 

[BEA2LS]

that is not defeat at all, it was a brave move.

 

[Meisje]

Thanks for opening up <3 It's brave.

Medication can be the difference between life and death for some. We (as a society) don't stigmatize other kind of treatment with medication. People treated for mental issues are often told to "snap out of it" or "cheer up," but we would never expect a diabetic to "try to be strong" and go without their insulin, and we would never encourage an AIDS patient to dump their protease inhibitors because they should just "toughen up" instead. Because everyone can easily perceive the harm in that, but for some reason, a lot of folks don't see psych meds in the same light. Never feel weak for needing medical treatment.

It's actually the adult thing, the responsible thing, the sensible thing, to do what you did --- ask for help because you needed it. I applaud you for taking the necessary steps to change your life.

 

[SUMM3RxBABii]

You are very brave for opening up on all of us on this. It takes a lot of guts to do that and I praise you. I, myself, have been depressed because I am/(will soon-to-be in a few days!) in a school full of kids who do nothing but make others lives a living hell and I'm a victim. But you just gotta hang it there, girl. I know you've been through a lot and I think you're real brave for taking so much pain for so many years and I'm real glad you have your daughter in consideration in this.
I haven't been to the therapist in a long time because I am afraid, but you on the other hand, stepped it up and I think it's very brave of you. Most people are scared of doing something about things that bother them. There really is nothing for you to be afraid of here. because you're actually doing the right thing. You have taken your family into consideration. No matter what happens at the doctors and what kind of meds they give you, you just hang in there because the best is coming to you and soon, you will forget those horrid memories you have of your mother. And if you need someone to talk to or anything, I'm always here for ya!

 

[nunu]

You are so brave and thank you for sharing your story with us. You have done something wise and have asked for help.

From what i see from this board you are a very nice and kind person. You are not like your mom at all, i can see from your post how much you love your daughter.

I wish you all the best and keep us updated.