Finally admitting defeat (warning-it's graphic.)


Well-known member
I am so sorry to hear that you have had such a horrible hand of cards dealt to you. NO ONE deserves that.

I wish I could offer more advice -- but all I can tell you is that I'm sure your fiance, as well as everyone on here, are very proud of you and your decision. By choosing to get help, you are showing that you care about your daughter and are willing to give her a better life. When she grows up, she will look up to you for that and will love you as the wonderful mother you are trying to be.

I hope everything gets better and I wish you so, so much luck. Stay strong!


Well-known member
I think that you are increadibly strong for surviving such a hard childhood, and I agree that it is not defeat, but victory, to have the courage to say "I cannot deal with this on my own without help". You did the right thing for yourself and you family and I wish you the best of luck.


Well-known member
I am a daughter to a woman that has some VERY serious issues. I remember growing up and feeling that I had to resolve my mother & fathers issues. I remember thinking if I was a better daughter my Mom wouldnt be doing X, Y & Z. If I was better my Mom would get better. If I loved her more and just tried harder to fix her she would be ok.

She is now 46, and I 24. Nothing has changed, its actually gotten WORSE. I can now see that being raised in that environment has shaped me in certain ways and at some points negatively shaped my decisions. I am SO DRAINED feeling that I have to be the middle man. Newsflash mommy I am a grown woman now no thanks to you with my OWN life and OWN struggles. We live 300 miles apart (thank God) and I am SICK of participating in your life when you're not interested in participating in mine.

End of rant.

Although that felt good...the moral of my story is ROCK ON ! I am very very proud that you are being a REAL woman and getting shit done ! I wish my mother had made that decision and stuck with it not only for her life but the lives of her 5 children. There were 4 boys and I was the only girl. A mommy has a huge impact on a little girl.

I cant change her. I just wish I could get rid of all the damage she has done. So please for your own life and the life of your baby dont be ashamed or scared to get help..its actually the strongest bravest thing you can do !! Keep your chin up dear, there are a lot of people rooting for you


Well-known member
wow that takes a lot of courage to share. i know it's through cyber space but that's still some deep sh*t to open up about to a lot of people you don't know.

i hope everything turns out right for you. seriously. you actually sound like you're on the right track - night and day from your mother because you're recognizing there's a problem and trying to fix it. not only for yourself but your husband and daughter.

i personally think you will be okay! it will take time because that's a lot of sh*t you went through but stay positive and keep doing what you're doing and you will be okay one day

i don't know you but i'm proud of you


Specktra Bestie
You should feel absolutely no shame in seeking help for you problems. Mental health issues are as serious as anything else, but they get stigmatised because they can't immediately be "seen". The problems you have faced are horrifying and the human brain is simply not "wired" to deal with these sorts of things- so eventually a short-circuit occurs. Continuing to try to act in the same way people who have not been in these sorts of situations act is akin to trying to walk on a broken ankle- you might be ale to do it, but you're constantly moving in a way that allows you to compensate for the injury, which in turn can mess up all sorts of other things. As with the broken ankle, proper medical care is essential to healing. You wouldn't say that someone seeking help for an injured ankle was admitting defeat, you'd say that they were doing the obviously correct thing- acknowledging that they did not have the training and expertise to properly treat themselves. (It wasn't all that long ago that people did used to treat broken bones by themselves, and would only consult a doctor in case of dire emergency.)

I've had problems of various sorts since I was very little- I would say 8 or 9, starting around the time that my parents got divorced. The family I come from doesn't "believe" in mental disorders, which means that, despite the fact that I knew from that age that there was something wrong with me, I was consistently told that being unable to deal with it myself meant that I was weak (a common argument among people who don't understand these sorts of problems). As a result, other than a couple of "desperation" moments, I never sought any kind of help until I was in my thirties.

I strongly recommend that you go and see a doctor who makes you feel comfortable. Make sure that they listen to everything you have to say and tell them everything that you think might be related, without worrying about how everything connects. If their answers don't ring true to you, get a second opinion. I let my GP diagnose me at first, she decided I had anxiety and depression and put me on medication that made me worse. I felt at the time that she wasn't listening to me, but I figured she was the expert. Now I realise that she clearly wasn't- she was a general practitioner with no psychiatric training who equated what I was going through with the mildly stressed/ depressed clients that she saw every day.

The same goes for treatment. Give everything they recommend a chance for a couple of months, but if it's really not working for you, speak up. Meds will always have side effects and there will always be parts of therapy that are annoying/ painful, but you always have to be asking yourself if these things are working to reduce your depression and make you better able to deal with the realities of day to day life.

It's only in the last couple of years that I got a proper evaluation. I'm on better medication now and can suddenly experience the world in the way that a "normal" person would. Plus, of course, the fact that I now understand the disorder that I have allows me to gather more information and figure out ways in which I can help myself deal with it.

The decision you're taking is a big one and learning to deal with your past and how it has shaped you will be a lot of work and will be a big commitment, but your daughter will thank you for it and you'll thank yourself. It is absolutely worth it.

Here's a web site I discovered when I was trying to find out more information on drug treatments for mental disorders that was a huge help: Crazy Meds! The Good, The Bad & The Funny of Neurological Medications
There's a lot of serious science in there, but it's written in a super-accessible way from the point of view of people who've spent a lot of time in treatment. Good luck and stick with it. Taking the first step is the hardest part.


Well-known member
I don't have much to say that wasn't already said but thank you for feeling you could share this with us. It's really hard to pick yourself up and get help sometimes--believe me, I know--but once you do, you know it was the right thing. No defeat of any kind--I say, endurance. Perseverance. I'm on medication that I recently wanted to see if I could live without--turns out I can't. And I'm ok with that.


Well-known member
Like somebody else said, I think it's very admirable that you are taking the necessary steps to take control of your life. You're brave for sharing how you feel, even if it is on a forum. Many people can't do that, including myself. I know how you feel, I don't want to make this is about myself but my mother made it very hard growing up for me as well. She's 51 and still hasn't tried to better herself and change her life. I have the same fears as you of becoming my mother one day. It's commendable that you're getting help for your daughter as well. When I have my own kids one day I plan to never treat them like my mother treated my brother and I. Stay strong.


Well-known member
What you're doing is not admitting defeat - its taking steps to get help.

A wonderful lady I know puts it like this: if you break your leg, you go to the doctor, you get a cast, it heals. You wouldn't walk around with a broken leg hoping it will heal itself. Your brain is no different. The meds are a cast, a support for you brain while it heals. In the case of a very broken leg you might need to have it permanently pinned. Sometimes you might need to keep taking meds for the rest of your life, but if it helps you to live the rest of your life to the full then it is worth every single pill.

Good luck and I wish you well in your journey x


Active member
There is no shame whatsoever in seeking medical help when you need it and I wish you much success in dealing with your issues.

I'm a tough love kinda chick, please keep that in mind. That being said, here I go;

Main Entry: 1de·feat
Pronunciation: di-ˈfēt, dē-
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English deffeten, from Anglo-French defait, past participle of defaire, desfaire to destroy, from Medieval Latin disfacere, from Latin dis- + facere to do — more at do
Date: 14th century

1 obsolete : destroy
2 a : nullify <defeat an estate> b : frustrate 2a(1) <defeat a hope>
3 : to win victory over : beat <defeat the opposing team

Maru, please explain to me how you have been "defeated."

You: Willing to go above your fears and do whatever it takes to make sure your child is in a safe environment, loved and well cared for.
She: Put her own selfish desires above the health of her children and abused them both physically and emotionally.

You: About to marry a seemingly wonderful man whose utmost concern is your health and well being.
She: Married a crackhead, who turned her into a crackhead.

You: Successful/top rated seller on ebay. (OT: brush whore that I am, I'm mad salty I can't see your sale thread, BOO!)
She: Probably fried her brain to the point where she can't hold a job and is getting by on SSI and EBT? I'm just guessing here, but still.

You: Not a crackhead, seem to be a sweet person.
She: Was/is a crackhead, seems to be...well, a vile loser and general waste of space.

You: 4
Her: 0

Grrl, why are you mad?! Obviously I don't know y'all but from where I sit, you out here winning like the Lakers while yo mama sittin over there lookin flabby and sick like the 99-00 Clippers.

Do me a favor please. Send her a whole bunch of photos of your lil family, lookin all happy and giggly and shyt, a copy of y'alls tax return (with the identity theft-able info blacked out of course) and a note that says "Mommy Dearest, knowing how much misery seeing me happy in these pictures and knowing I'm living well is causing you, I'm so glad I didn't kill you in your sleep like I really wanted to when I was 13! MUAH! ~ Maru"

I wish an abusive crackhead would question my fitness as a mother. I would probably "church faint" from laughing so hard.

And tell yo grandma to keep the negative shyt your mother says about you to herself! Say it nicer than that if you like her, but still.


Well-known member
^Wow, that was on point. She doesn't work. She mooches off my youngest sister and has her completely brain washed. She doesn't smoke crack anymore, but she's a klepto and abuses lortabs really bad. I haven't talked to her in years. I actually was thinking of sending pics of my daughter. Then I thought she didn't deserve it. You're right, I should just tell my Grandma to keep anything about her to herself...I have no interest at all in knowing anything about her at all.


Well-known member
You are so amazingly brave for having survived all that and come through to be an obviously amazing person.
I don't see any of this as admitting defeat of any kind. We have no control over the things that happen to us when we're little, it's the way we deal with them now. I think becoming the monster your afraid of is the real defeat. That's giving up and giving in and letting this horror take you over.
Therapy and medication are for self-actualizing people who want to better themselves & become better people. I think you should be very proud of yourself for taking the step! Getting on medication is scary and difficult, but it's not forever generally. Anti-depressents are supposed to help you deal with what's going on now, so that you can be prepared for later.

Stay strong and this too shall pass.


Well-known member
Can I just start off by saying you are so strong and so brave for sharing your story here with us. With that said, I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help, that’s a really tough thing to do and it really is the first step to healing. I would definitely proceed with seeing either a therapist or a psychiatrist, for both therapy as well as medication management. You seem somewhat opposed to medication, but although meds for mental health issues are for the most part short term, I’ve really seen them turn peoples lives completely around. A combination of therapy (which is more of a long term solution) as well as medication (which more of a short term solution), seems to be the extremely effective in situations such as yours. While therapy can "re-wire" your current cognitive processes and thoughts that have been embedded in you from a very traumatic childhood, meds can temporarily alleviate the pain and symptoms and eventually as you proceed with therapy you can be weaned of the meds, but you'll have to speak with your psychiatrist regarding this. I can’t tell how sever your depression is but have you looked into alternative treatments like Electroconvulsive therapy, this is really a last resort and something you would have to speak with a health care professional about. Now I am not by any means a 'professional', but I have worked at a psychiatric hospital for 2 years and am working towards my Clinical Psych. degree, and my advice is purely based on the experiences I have had and seen with patients. I also wanted to bring up my thoughts on you being a mother; I find that a large majority of people whom experienced an unpleasant or as in your case a traumatic upbringing with a parent or even both are just that much more motivated to be a better parent because they know exactly what they DON'T want to be like. Now I'm not saying that this is always the case, but especially from what I read about you it really seems as though you strive to give your daughter a better quality of life which you were not able to have, making you a GREAT mother. Also you should change your title to "Rising Above", because your taking steps and saying "No, I will no longer let you mentally, physically and emotionally drain me", because remember that’s what she wants and you have to rise above this and say "Enough" at some point and put yourself in the position of control, this is your life now! With all this said, please take care of yourself, stay strong and definitely discuss with a psychiatrist the best course of action.

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