How my family ruined my birthday

[Krasevayadancer]

So Saturday was my actual birthday, and my boyfriend had a surprise party for me, and all was well. My actual birthday ended up being pretty awesome.

Sunday rolls around (this is where the fun begins...)
I call my sister at noon to ask what we were all doing for dinner figuring that they would want to go out and celebrate my birthday the day after since I spent my actual birthday with my boyfriend. My mother even tried to make me feel guilty for choosing to spend my day with my boyfriend. My sister asked where I wanted to go and I said Minado, an all you can eat Japanese Restaurant/Sushi Buffet that is half an hour from my house. I knew it would be affordable, everyone would like the food, and a half hour drive wasn't a big deal. Or so I thought...

My mother didn't want to be bothered going that "far", my brother in law didn't want to do the half hour drive, my nephew didn't want to step away from the homework he waited til Sunday evening to do, and my sister didn't care enough either way. When I expressed how upset I was over it I was told to settle for a crap restaurant in the neighborhood because it was convenient... When I declined my mother told me to pick up sushi on the way home to eat with my parents, oh and by the way she wanted me to go to the market and pick up groceries for her. Nope, wasn't going to happen...

I get home. Nobody in my family gave me anything. Not a card, not a balloon, a flower, a cake... NOTHING. Just a great big f.u apparently. Just a guilt trip because I was being unreasonable and "selfish" to want everyone to go to the restaurant of my choosing that was half an hour away by car if that.

So I had a tantrum. Full scale. Unplugged tvs, blasted loud music with the bass turned up etc. And then I broke down...

For the 2 years that I have been home since college I have not heard one kind word from my parents or sister's family. Only knocks against me. My birthday was the final straw. I wash my hands of all of them...

Am I wrong for wanting to go to this one place, for being upset that I got not so much as a card? My mother claims that my boyfriend is pitting me against them. What she doesn't realize is that she has done that all on her own. All my boyfriend does is encourage and support me. And tell me he loves me...

To clarify things, my whole family is negative and unsupportive. My boyfriend has on multiple occasions said that while he means no disrespect, it makes him furious that everyone in my family is so negative, critical, and self-serving.

I graduated from an accredited University with a high GPA, it wasn't good enough because I didn't go into pharmacy. My mother has on multiple occasions told me to wipe my ass with my B.A

I work in a large financial institution and make a very impressive salary, its not good enough because I am not in grad school right this second... Nevermind that I plan on going back in the next couple of years. And nevermind the fact that I can't afford it with all the debt I have right now from college.

I love makeup, and coming on specktra, and keeping in touch with people online. Well according to my mother that makes me superficial, shallow and stupid. Empty headed, mindless and brainless are other terms my mom has thrown my way.

My sister is no better, she is always knocking me and saying negative things about me...

Yes, the tantrum might have been too much. But what does one do when they are crying their hearts out because their family made them feel completely and utterly worthless? When one is bawling in her room while her parents ignore her and watch tv in their room.

 

[leenybeeny]

I am so sorry your birthday was ruined!!! Happy Birthday sweetie!!!!

For what it's worth, I always have high hopes for my birthday and tend to end up disappointed. I love celebrating my birthday, and as I get older, I suppose people just don't don't think it's really important anymore.. but it's important to me. So I totally understand why you were so upset.

 

[nunu]

Adina, i am so sorry that all of this happened on the weekend o fyour birthday

. They might be jelous that you are spending time with your BF than with them, or perhaps your mom is feeling that you are growing up and you won't be her little daughter anymore.

 

[Blushbaby]

I think you all need to sit down and talk things through. Tell them how they worthless they make you feel. You only have one family and it's a shame to "wash your hands of them" over a ruined b'day dinner. I do understand the frustration and upset you must have felt though. I'd be upset if my family didn't say "Happy B'day" or get to the trouble of even getting me a card.

I don't think the "tantrum" you threw helped matters, though I'd have probably wanted to shout and scream too!!!

On a brighter note, I'm glad you had a fab day on the Saturday (your actual b'day).

 

[MzzRach]

Adina, I am so sorry.

I don't think you were "asking too much" in the least. I'm glad you spent your actual birthday with your man, I hope you had fun and that it was wonderful.

Family issues - I feel your pain, I really do.

 

[Susanne]

Adina, I am so sorry!!!

I know how you feel. I had to learn hard lessons with my family as well.

At the moment I just have good contact to my sister who lives two hours away. We don't see us very often.

But that's it.
Speaking of family makes me feel lonely sometimes, but I can't change anything I want. I have learned to live my life on my own, without a real family. I have my boyfriend and his family - I am so glad to have them, but it can't be the same.

Take care of you! You are wonderful the way you are, it is not your fault if they can't see it!

 

[capmorlovesmac]

I am so sorry, Adina! You weren't asking for too much. This makes me incredible sad.

You are such a wonderful person and I

you! I am speechless right now.

 

[Krasevayadancer]

Thank you so much for the love and support. To clarify things, my whole family is negative and unsupportive.

I graduated from an accredited University with a high GPA, it wasn't good enough because I didn't go into pharmacy. My mother has on multiple occasions told me to wipe my ass with my B.A

I work in a large financial institution and make a very impressive salary, its not good enough because I am not in grad school right this second... Nevermind that I plan on going back in the next couple of years. And nevermind the fact that I can't afford it with all the debt I have right now from college.

I love makeup, and coming on specktra, and keeping in touch with people online. Well according to my mother that makes me superficial, shallow and stupid. Empty headed, mindless and brainless are other terms my mom has thrown my way.

My sister is no better, she is always knocking me and saying negative things about me...

Yes, the tantrum might have been too much. But what does one do when they are crying their hearts out because their family made them feel completely and utterly worthless? When one is bawling in her room while her parents ignore her and watch tv in their room.

Adding this to the original posting too to clarify

 

[nunu]

Aww, i am so sorry you have to deal with that negativity everyday

Bu you know that we are here for you.

 

[GlitterGeet]

Aww I am so sorry to hear that, but happy birthday none-the-less! *hugs and kisses!* Honestly, I feel you had every RIGHT to put a fit. It's your birthday for goodness sakes! All you wanted was a dinner and I do not believe your family had any right to put that against you in any manner. They should be happy that you wanted to do something with them, you know? There is no need to put the blame on someone else. They should be elated that someone loves you so much to throw you a surprise party (Waayyy cute by the way) to celebrate your presence in this world.
Sounds like a case of a jealous bug to me and I think you should have a family meeting or something and let them know how their actions are hurting you. That's not fair at all for them to make you choose one or the other. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

Sorry, I'm just really feeling for you right now and it saddens my heart to see such actions take place on someone as fabulous as you!

On the upside, I'm really glad that you enjoyed your TRUE birthday.

 

[Blushbaby]

Does your Dad act the same too?

I can imagine the atmosphere only too well. Your sister may actually be pretty envious of your successful career and attempts to make herself feel better by putting you down all the time - it's no excuse for being a bitch though.

Was your Mum a high academic achiever? You've done really well for herself so I don't get why she's so disapproving over your achievements.

I'm glad you have such a supportive boyf, even though it still hurts being denied support form your own immediate family.

Do you feel comfortable enough to confront your Mum?

 

[MzzRach]

I am sorry your family is so negative, that is so hard, and you do not deserve that. Why is it that those who are closest to us hurt us the most? It's not fair, but it's how it is for so many people, myself included. I'm truly sorry.

Would it be feasible at all for you to not live at home? Get a place of your own or with your boyfriend? Living in that environment has to be difficult at best, and toxic at worst.

 

[Susanne]

If I still had contact to my mother, I guess she would never understand my love for MAC and makeup and all the things that belong to it.

I don't want to justify myself anymore. I have learned I can't please her no matter what I have tried. Or this is the feeling she gave me. I wish she would respect and love me how I am, but we are far away from that.

 

[nunu]

Susanne,

 

[Krasevayadancer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlitterGeet Sounds like a case of a jealous bug to me and I think you should have a family meeting or something and let them know how their actions are hurting you. That's not fair at all for them to make you choose one or the other. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

I had an impromptu meeting after i had the tantrum and broke down. I literally poured my heart out saying how she makes me feel worthless. They just called me stupid for thinking that, denied doing that etc. My mother isn't speaking to me now despite all that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blushbaby Does your Dad act the same too? Was your Mum a high academic achiever? You've done really well for herself so I don't get why she's so disapproving over your achievements. Do you feel comfortable enough to confront your Mum?

To answer your questions: My dad has always been aloof and detached. It is my mother who rules the roost so to speak.

My mom is the opposite of a high achiever. She married young in the Ukraine, and has no career. She works to make ends meet as does my father. Not to say we are poor, but we aren't rich either. I am the only one in my family to graduate from college. My sister is 39 and has a family, but works as a secretary. Has all her life

I did confront my mom, the outcome was the silent treatment I am receiving now

Quote:

Originally Posted by MzzRach Would it be feasible at all for you to not live at home? Get a place of your own or with your boyfriend? Living in that environment has to be difficult at best, and toxic at worst.

Rachel, I wish I could. Neither of us could afford to move out.
He is working his butt off to climb the corporate ladder so that we can take those next steps. But who knows how many years that will take... Im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susanne I don't want to justify myself anymore. I have learned I can't please her no matter what I have tried. Or this is the feeling she gave me. I wish she would respect and love me how I am, but we are far away from that.

I understand that perfectly Susanne, thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in this.

Thank you again everyone for responding. I still feel so raw. I am sitting here at work and I can't even concentrate.

 

[mtrimier]

i'm so sorry you are going through all this. if you were down here, you could stay in my spare bedroom.

I am very familiar with the whole silent treatment foolishness. When my parents tried that on me, I just kept it moving. They are too old to be acting like little kids, and I don't have the energy to entertain them.

I know it's hurtful, and I know this is easier said than done, but ignore them. Like the others have said, you have to live YOUR life. You are a smart, sassy, and boobilicious woman and no one can take that away from you. If they don't value you for you, then that is their loss.

When they realize what they have missed out on, and see how successful you are, they'll come running. Until then, let them act like toddlers.

 

[LMD84]

so sorry that your family are treating you this way. but be thankful that you have a wonderfull man who you spent the day with and had a good time. i think your family is being completely out of order however i think if you've spoke to them about it and the result was your mother not talking to you there's not much more you can do right now.

i have a similar situation and i have no spoke to my dad for about 5 years now. it's really hard because if i ever call my mum i worry that he'll answer. and if he does he just hangs up. i was just pleased that i had a fantastic boyfriend who supported me and loved me when i needed him the most. just like what you have got.

it's extrememly shitty that you weren't given a card for your special day. and quite frankly the attitude your mum seems to have is really old fashioned sounding. insted of her wishing you to be one thing she should be proud that you went to uni and proud that you have a great job!

maybe give it time and your family will change their views and try a bit harder with you. but no matter how shitty you feel just remember that you're very lucky, clever, beautiful and successful with a loving man behind you.

 

[panther27]

I'm so sorry Adina

You don't deserve that.Yup,my family thinks makeup,etc is shallow also.I am here for you as well.

 

[Susanne]

They will never understand what specktra really is

 

[3773519]

Family!ugh! they can be something else I tell ya. Dont let moms ruin your day or life. They tend to not know what they do. I have my own share of moments. I think I would of thrown a tantrum too! they need to know that you are family and that maybe, just maybe for your "birthday" u should get some type of attention. You know what i think... I think your family might be drinking some hateration....