I can't even breathe anymore

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
So with all the things I've been going through in the past two weeks I seriously can't even catch my breath anymore.
So I had the perfect man ( you can see him in the couples thread ), the perfect job, the perfect house ( I've been living here since before my man ) and the perfect friends. Even my car might not be perfect, but it was awesome for me. Everything has gone to complete and total shit for me. ( excuse my language, but I'm at the end of my rope ) Even as I'm writing this tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop it.

I starting dating Alex and even though we hadn't been dating for long ( 4 months ) I knew I wanted to marry him. He was the one guy who not only got my sense of humor, but would build on my jokes, he saw how ambitious I am, made me feel like I was worthwhile ( helped me on my resume, told me how great I am at what I do, sincerely laughed at my jokes, congratulated me on even the little things I accomplished and many more ) I started working for Sephora, my dream job ( read my post in industry discussion ) two years ago moved into an amazing house with a roommate that turned into a best friend and last december bought a great car.
Well, in the past couple weeks all of that went to shit. Alex would sometimes go 3-4 days without calling me, I would have to call him. Whenever I was about to give up he would send an " I miss you " text, he went to my work christmas party, but then I haven't talked to him in about 9 days. He already had one ( reliable ) excuse where he was in a car accident and didn't have my # when he was in the hospital. It really was a nasty accident too, but I feel like his excuses have run out. I know bad luck happens to people ( I have it! ) but he can't come up with another excuse considering how many he's come up with so far ( at least 3 ) In the same week I found out that my dream job at Sephora had come to an end ( again in the industry discussion, long story ) Two people within less than 12 hours hit my car! Once I was crossing a bridge on my way home from a closing shift when a woman ran a red light to jump in front of me, but she also tried to pull into my lane while she was too busy talking on her phone to realize I was there, she ran me into the side of the bridge ( I was so angry I threw my frozen bottle of Mt Dew at her windshield and drove off at the next red light since she had no intention of collecting information or even saying she was sorry ) the next morning an old man ran into the back of my car while sitting at a wield sign. A cop was sitting right there and saw how hard he hit me from a dead stop. He hit me so hard that the cappucino that I just bought flew into my middle console and it was literally 0 degrees that morning. It took me 5 seconds to check the back of my car and get back into my drivers seat before the cop came over to check on me, I told him I was ok, but in the middle of my sentence slipped about how it took literally 5 seconds for my cap. to freeze against my console. The old man jumped out and said he was sorry and that his foot slipped off the brake ( impossible consdiring how hard he hit me from a dead stop since my head hit the back of my seat so hard I almost choked on my own tongue ) but I was so concerned with getting to work on time that I let him go and went on my way to work. And at the same time my roommate was bitching at me about taking out the garbage on a day that I was almost running late for work, also putting away clean dishes from the dishwasher. There are 3 of us living in my house and 1 of us hasn't done a single thing in our house yet, but my roommate felt the need to bitch at me instead of the one person who hasn't done ANYTHING here in the 5-6 months that she's been living here. There's also more going on here with the cats, etc.
and on top of all of that all of my birthday plans have fell through tonight.

So basically I've had my professional life, personal life and home life go down the shitter in the past two weeks. I can't get away from ANYTHING right now, no matter where I go. I'm even getting hurt physically because of some of the bullshit going on with everything. I honestly cannot take another day of this, I honestly wish I could just be taken out on my next car ride and with peoples history of hitting my car it doesn't seem to be taking long.
I've never taken drugs before, but right now I can see how some people would turn to them. Give me anything, just knock me out and walk me through the door cuz I have no desire to see though my own eyes anymore.
 

ImMACnificent

Well-known member
Wow, that is a lot to deal with.

Im sorry you are going through this. When it rains, it pours, eh?

There is nothing you can do to control the car or job issues, but you have control over your personal life. If you think your boyfriend is dicking you around, you need to get answers immediately... that is your boyfriend! And if he is still being a jerkface, then get out and move on, you obviously have a lot of other things to be focused on. You NEED his support right now and he is not there for you. That is not cool.

Hang in there, huney.
 

M.A.C. head.

Well-known member
Press on and be grateful for the good things when you reach them.

That's all there is to say. Things can get really shitty, but you just have to take control and keep going.

*hugs*
 

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImMACnificent
Wow, that is a lot to deal with.

Im sorry you are going through this. When it rains, it pours, eh?

There is nothing you can do to control the car or job issues, but you have control over your personal life. If you think your boyfriend is dicking you around, you need to get answers immediately... that is your boyfriend! And if he is still being a jerkface, then get out and move on, you obviously have a lot of other things to be focused on. You NEED his support right now and he is not there for you. That is not cool.

Hang in there, huney.


I just don't even know if I want to deal with him anymore, he's hurt me so much and I feel like he's only putting in just enough effort to keep the relationship coasting. We should still be in bliss right now, not coasting along. I think the next time I get an " I miss you " text I'm going to send one back that simply says, " Good " and that's all he's getting. I have issues with being neglected, it's happened to me my whole life and it seems to be a pattern. I have to put a stop to it somewhere, I just don't know how to not attract those types of people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by M.A.C. head.
Press on and be grateful for the good things when you reach them.

That's all there is to say. Things can get really shitty, but you just have to take control and keep going.

*hugs*


I just don't have enough good in my life, I honestly have nothing to be happy about. I used to be a funny person, but I've been noticing how I'm a lot more quiet now, I'm boring and I hate it. It makes me even more depressed. I used to even be able to make jokes about the shitty things in my life, but now I can't even do that. I've become more of a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get me back. I'm afraid to even try anymore because I can't handle another let down if things don't work out. I'm actually surprised I'm still alive, I feel like I have to fight to get through each day and it's tiring me out. I'm really scared right now.
 

couturesista

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwiggyPop
I just don't even know if I want to deal with him anymore, he's hurt me so much and I feel like he's only putting in just enough effort to keep the relationship coasting. We should still be in bliss right now, not coasting along. I think the next time I get an " I miss you " text I'm going to send one back that simply says, " Good " and that's all he's getting. I have issues with being neglected, it's happened to me my whole life and it seems to be a pattern. I have to put a stop to it somewhere, I just don't know how to not attract those types of people.



I just don't have enough good in my life, I honestly have nothing to be happy about. I used to be a funny person, but I've been noticing how I'm a lot more quiet now, I'm boring and I hate it. It makes me even more depressed. I used to even be able to make jokes about the shitty things in my life, but now I can't even do that. I've become more of a shell of my former self and I don't know how to get me back. I'm afraid to even try anymore because I can't handle another let down if things don't work out. I'm actually surprised I'm still alive, I feel like I have to fight to get through each day and it's tiring me out. I'm really scared right now.


If your reading this, then u have something to be happy about.

1. ur alive ( the accident could have been alot worse, be thankful for that)
2. Ur not homeless
3. U have food and heat ( some people don't and are survivng everyday with out it)

U were surviving before the job and the boy and u will survive without them. U may not want to survive without them but u will.
 

ImMACnificent

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwiggyPop
I just don't even know if I want to deal with him anymore, he's hurt me so much and I feel like he's only putting in just enough effort to keep the relationship coasting. We should still be in bliss right now, not coasting along. I think the next time I get an " I miss you " text I'm going to send one back that simply says, " Good " and that's all he's getting. I have issues with being neglected, it's happened to me my whole life and it seems to be a pattern. I have to put a stop to it somewhere, I just don't know how to not attract those types of people.


If you don't think things are going well, you would know more than anyone. I might be bias because I truly have gone through so many 'bad eggs' before finding my current boyfriend. After 3 years he still texts me and says he misses me while we're at work, he will not leave the house without kissing me, he still says I love you at least 3 times a day. I mean, I think this is something every girl deserves. Even you. Trust me, I had some HORRIBLE experiences before he came along. Just be patient, you will find someone that will never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

Move on, sweetie. <3
 

NutMeg

Well-known member
th_hug.gif
 

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by couturesista
If your reading this, then u have something to be happy about.

1. ur alive ( the accident could have been alot worse, be thankful for that)
2. Ur not homeless
3. U have food and heat ( some people don't and are survivng everyday with out it)

U were surviving before the job and the boy and u will survive without them. U may not want to survive without them but u will.


Actually my health is not great, I have Graves disease and stress seems to make it worse so I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I have to start making regular trips to the hospital again. And with no job and no opportunities for another one I'm going to run out of money which will equal no food and no home. I've got a lot on my plate right now and even if I try to take one day at a time I always seem to get hit with several days at once. I'm barely surviving as it is and don't know what to do with myself.
 

NutMeg

Well-known member
Take a deep breath. What are the problems? What is the easiest to fix? What actions can you take now to prevent things from getting really bad in the future?

I'd say the relationship isn't worth saving, and is only causing you problems at this point. Next concern, in the worst case scenario you said you might end up without food/housing. Who would take you in under those circumstances? Try to plan ahead. And remember to breath.
 

malteze_bubbleg

Well-known member
Life sucks when things are going wrong for us, but try and take the negative as postive. ask yourself " what can i do to turn this bad moment into a good one?" . If you are not happy with your bf maybe you two need to talk to see where you are in the relationship and if its worth staying together. Communication is the key because if you want to sta together, you should support each other and be there for one another when any one of you is having a rough time.

I know how hard it is to lose a job because my husband lost his job last yr. he was very upset about it and with losing a job comes the question of "how will i pay the bills and atuff?". However, he decided to go to school and pursue an education because he knew that by going to school noone can take his education away from him and many jobs these days are requiring degrees or some sort of qualifications. and in the end it all pays off you know. If you lost your job, dont let that get to you. Get your motivation back girl!!!!! what would you like to do? apply for a job elsewhere (maybe for another cosmetic line or company?), or apply in a different field? whatever it is, stay strong and stay POSITIVE. i know during rough times all you want to do is get away from all these problems but sometimes it is these hard situations that make us stronger.

about your friend , maybe she didnt mean any harm...but it ticked you off as it seems like everything is just going wrong for you. i know little things piss us off sometimes, but dont worry......hopefully she understands that you were running late for work. its not the end of the world because you forgot the trash!!!!

Just be strong, that is all i say. life sucks sometimes but stay positive. think and see how you can improve the situation and not make it worse you know. i really hope it gets better for you. =)
 

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by NutMeg
Take a deep breath. What are the problems? What is the easiest to fix? What actions can you take now to prevent things from getting really bad in the future?

I'd say the relationship isn't worth saving, and is only causing you problems at this point. Next concern, in the worst case scenario you said you might end up without food/housing. Who would take you in under those circumstances? Try to plan ahead. And remember to breath.


Yeah, I've already decided to give up on the relationship, but it doesn't stop me from hurting when I see another couple or even those stupid commercials about love and relationships. I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown from the break up alone, but with everything else piled on top of me I've kind of gone numb. I think my friend would let me sleep on her couch, she's mentioned it before, but at the same time I know I couldn't stay there for long because I remember her bitching about another one of our friends wanting to crash on her couch constantly when she doesn't want to drive home drunk. I've got maybe a few months before I would have to find another place of my own. That's really a lot of stress when I know that I probably won't be able to find anything until summertime.

Quote:
Originally Posted by malteze_bubbleg
Life sucks when things are going wrong for us, but try and take the negative as postive. ask yourself " what can i do to turn this bad moment into a good one?" . If you are not happy with your bf maybe you two need to talk to see where you are in the relationship and if its worth staying together. Communication is the key because if you want to sta together, you should support each other and be there for one another when any one of you is having a rough time.

I know how hard it is to lose a job because my husband lost his job last yr. he was very upset about it and with losing a job comes the question of "how will i pay the bills and atuff?". However, he decided to go to school and pursue an education because he knew that by going to school noone can take his education away from him and many jobs these days are requiring degrees or some sort of qualifications. and in the end it all pays off you know. If you lost your job, dont let that get to you. Get your motivation back girl!!!!! what would you like to do? apply for a job elsewhere (maybe for another cosmetic line or company?), or apply in a different field? whatever it is, stay strong and stay POSITIVE. i know during rough times all you want to do is get away from all these problems but sometimes it is these hard situations that make us stronger.

about your friend , maybe she didnt mean any harm...but it ticked you off as it seems like everything is just going wrong for you. i know little things piss us off sometimes, but dont worry......hopefully she understands that you were running late for work. its not the end of the world because you forgot the trash!!!!

Just be strong, that is all i say. life sucks sometimes but stay positive. think and see how you can improve the situation and not make it worse you know. i really hope it gets better for you. =)


The boyfriend is done. I don't want to bother with him anymore because even though I constantly supported him, he doesn't seem to care about how upset I am about losing my job. It reminds me of my ex and why I broke up with him so that's a bad sign. I just wish I could flip a switch to turn off my love for him, but obviously it's going to take a while for me to get over him. I just really thought he was the perfect person for me, everybody did.

As for finding something to do now I'd love to go back to school, but I don't know if I can now because my student loans got backed up really bad when I was on my last job search and my deferment was denied since I couldn't prove monthly income ( I had no income ). And besides that I would have no time to even search for a job to pay my rent, utilities, etc. I applied to literally every cosmetic counter and store in October/November and the only
call backs I got was Sephora and Ulta, but they can't hire anyone else until at least summertime now. A Nordstroms opened up in my mall, but while I was at Sephora I heard that after only being open for a month they already laid off a bunch of their employees so I know nobody will be hiring now. I can't go into a different field because I'm autistic and being a receptionist would probably send me into a tailspin, which means bartending is out too. I would get fired within a week because I can't multitask, I literally go blank when trying to go from one project to another. If I have to become a stripper I'm going to be really pissed!

And my roommate was also going through some stress so she admitted that she was just snapping at me over ridiculous things, but she wouldn't even bother to apologize. She got extremely rude with me a few times and I don't think she understands how close I was to blowing up on her. She's never seen me really yell at anyone before and I think it would really scare her. haha. I'm guessing that after a real argument between us we wouldn't be able to live together anymore.



Wow, I really am fucked. haha. I must look like I'm really bipolar right now. I'll be crying one minute and the next minute laughing at how bad my situation got in the past month. I think I'm way beyond the help of a therapist at this point.
 

Karen_B

Well-known member
I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I don't really know what to say except I'll be thinking of you and I really hope things work out for you.
 

NutMeg

Well-known member
You are not fucked up, and I don't think you're overreacting to any of this. You're pushed almost to your breaking point, and you are responding to that in a very normal way. What you have to do is try and reduce the stress until you're at a level where you can function, and then try to problem solve.

What/who are your emotional supports? Because you're absolutely right that even if you've decided to end the relationship with your boyfriend, it's still causing you pain and stress, because, well... It's a breakup and those suck. Who can you vent to, and get comfort and support from? You need that before you can start trying to fix things. Or at least while you try and fix things.
 

Janice

Well-known member
I'm really sorry to hear the point your at in your life. I've been there, at that breaking point when it seems like things can't possibly turn around. They will, but no one and nothing is going to make that happen except for you. Tackle the problems one at a time, the first being to find a job. You can do it, you'll be surprised at what you can handle doing when you've been backed in corner. Don't think that because your autistic potential employers won't be interested in being patient with you. You have a story to tell, you'll find someone who believes in you and your potential.

Get your head in the game and tackle the world woman, it's the only thing you can do and you WILL do it. One step at a time.
 

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by NutMeg
You are not fucked up, and I don't think you're overreacting to any of this. You're pushed almost to your breaking point, and you are responding to that in a very normal way. What you have to do is try and reduce the stress until you're at a level where you can function, and then try to problem solve.

What/who are your emotional supports? Because you're absolutely right that even if you've decided to end the relationship with your boyfriend, it's still causing you pain and stress, because, well... It's a breakup and those suck. Who can you vent to, and get comfort and support from? You need that before you can start trying to fix things. Or at least while you try and fix things.


I don't really have a lot of emotional supports right now. My roommate used to be one, but I don't want to tell her about everything I'm going through when she was one of the problems for a little while. My best friend doesn't want to hear anything about Alex because she's the only person from the beginning who thought he was a tool and she'll just tell me to get over it when she should know better because she's going through the same thing. I couldn't imagine telling her how upset I am that a few weeks ago I was looking at engagement rings, thinking of which ones I would want him to propose with and now I'm all alone, just like she told me I'd be.
I think the only reason why I spilled my guts on here is because I don't have to see the look on peoples faces when I tell my story. I'm afraid of people looking at me like, "What the hell were you thinking?" So it's just hard to talk to anybody in my everyday life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Janice
I'm really sorry to hear the point your at in your life. I've been there, at that breaking point when it seems like things can't possibly turn around. They will, but no one and nothing is going to make that happen except for you. Tackle the problems one at a time, the first being to find a job. You can do it, you'll be surprised at what you can handle doing when you've been backed in corner. Don't think that because your autistic potential employers won't be interested in being patient with you. You have a story to tell, you'll find someone who believes in you and your potential.

Get your head in the game and tackle the world woman, it's the only thing you can do and you WILL do it. One step at a time.


I just don't know who would want to take the time to be patient with me when so many other people are being laid off, they can have their choice of anyone at this point. I don't even like to let my employers know that I have any kind of disability. The only reason why my last boss knew was because there was a woman at my counter right before christmas who was having a hard time getting her shopping done because she mentioned how hard it is to buy for her autistic son. I instantly felt for her because I remember how hard it was growing up with autism, my family didn't even know up until a few years ago that I have Aspergers. My parents would get me things that I had absolutely no interest in because I was so focused on only certain things that I wanted the things that I considered my only friends; musical instruments, drawing pads, colored markers, drawing pencils, etc. A lot of kids with autism are considered geniuses in some sense because we focus so much on one thing at a time that we end up mastering it just by teaching ourselves. My favorite thing growing up was my keyboard, I had no training, but would teach myself a new song everyday. It's a curse in some ways though because since we focus so much on one thing that we completely lose even the littlest ability to do other things, like socially interact. Anyway, I asked this woman what types of things her son actually enjoyed doing and if he seemed to be branching off into any new hobbies. I was hoping I could figure out what areas he was good in so she could build off of that and hopefully push him to keep pursuing what he is good at. She seemed really touched that I took the time to really try to help her and she said she felt better that I told her that she's doing a good job raising him since she's not pressing him to do the things he's not normally good at. It can make a lot of kids shy away from things even more when being pushed into things that make them feel uncomfortable.
All of that seems really off topic, but it does pertain to what I'm trying to say here because I'm afraid that if I try to push myself to do another job I'm not comfortable with that I might get completely creeped out and never want to even try it again at my own pace. To this day I still try and take slow steps to get out of my comfort zone and still find myself going back to my nervous ticks that I tried to phase out; ringing my fingers, bobbing back and forth, clicking my nails, my leg shakes and before I know it I'm sitting back in a corner staring at the floor.


I really appreciate you girls for trying to help, I really do, but I think it's going to be a while before I can find any job I can do until I can get back into getting a paying job in the make up field. One good thing though is that I got my last pay stub from Sephora so I can finally make copies to send in and hopefully get my deferment for my student loans. That will be one less thing to worry about!
smiles.gif
 

florabundance

Well-known member
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this
ssad.gif
But, the shittiest times are always lurking right around the corner...life is just like that I guess. You just have to keep on keeping on.

You have to use all this bad stuff as a means to find out who you are in the face of disappointment, being let down, bad luck. You've learned about yourself at the highest point of success, and so now you have to learn about who you are on the other side of the spectrum.

And my GOD, i know how you're feeling. Alone, fed up, pissed. But be resilient. Remember the great places you saw yourself being. Build on your dreams. Don't settle for what you had last week, think about what you want NEXT week lol. I know it sounds corny as hell, but seriously it works.
What doesn't work is drugs and alcohol and whatever. Well not for actual problems anyways. Yeah you feel good for a minute, but you wake up the next day with the same issues. And less money.

If you ever need support or to just vent, pm me or post on here (it helps right?)..but don't give up. I have every faith in the belief that things will pick up. It's all temporary..happiness, sadness, good times, bad times. They're all a part of who we are.

I hope you feel good today hon.
 

User93

Well-known member
Girl, it will all be ok. Im telling you.

It always happends like this - things tend to happen in a row trying to get you down. Remember that it all is just a test of will, that it would get better, and that how it says "the darkest hours are before the sunrise".

I agree with Meg, you need to slow down, take a deep breth in, and go on living. Problems will solve slowly. Just start slowly resolving what you can, and letting go what you cant.

God bless you Couturesista, these words are great, you are alive girl, you have home and food, thats already a lot.

I do know how you feel, man I feel so down now I even dont come to post here, just cant make myself. I miss my bf like crazy, Im lost and scared, just lay in the bed all day long. It will all be ok. Specktra is an awesome place, there are a lot of people here for you
th_hug.gif
 

chiquilla_loca

Well-known member
we have similar situations going on, if you feel like contacting me,
send me a pm,
hang in there girl.
th_cheerup.gif
th_hug.gif
don't feel alone.
 

TwiggyPop

Well-known member
Well I've been trying a new way of going about things, I just go for what I want. I don't worry so much about somebody thinking I'm a bitch, I will just bust in and take what I want. It sounds so funny, but the thing that made me do this was a scene in Team America. The movie is hilarious, but it made me want to be a dick, haha.

WARNING: Vulgar language ahead.



"We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Ill is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"

So I'm just going to be a dick because I'm tired of getting fucked all the time. haha. Thank you girls though! Your words really did help.
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