i don't wanna be a bridesmaid anymore..

[BEA2LS]

I have a problem

Over a year ago an old friend came over out of the blue to show me an engagement ring. We used to be real tight, not best friends but we worked together and went places together.. even short vacations. I was single, her boyfriend was away at college in another state and she was my bar buddy basically. we shared some interests, she visited me in the hospital, it was nice.
Than her and her boyfriend broke up, I met my current boyfriend and we moved on. she met up with her old friends including her best friend who she really missed. it was fine no fights just moving on. it happens.
but yea, she asked me to be a bridesmaid last year. at first i said no but than she invited me over to her new apartment and i met her finance (who i knew of but never met, he was friends with her ex boyfriend). it was like old times so i said yeah.
fast forward maybe five months. no word from her, i assumed i wasnt in the wedding anymore. that was fine, i got the invite, replied to it and assumed i was a guest.
i ran into her about two months after that and she asked when i was going to get the bridesmaid gown.. this is where i messed up, i shoulda said no than but i felt so awkward and the wedding was still half a year away so i said when it gets closer...
now mind you, this is not a regular gown, it is a theme wedding and the gown is very expensive.. more than hers cost actually and because i am a bigger person i have to pay at least $50 extra to get it special made. it is off a webpage so i would have to pay for shipping than alterations. i thought the bridal party would get together and i would be more comfortable with this. but it never happened. she did not want a bridal shower, no parties, i have no idea who the other girls in the wedding are, i never met them, have no idea how many of them there are, etc. since i heard no word i again assumed it was not really planned.
fast forward to last week, she told me that it was the last possible week to get this dress. i mentioned having money problems on here, i cannot afford a dress right now! it cost more than double what her gown costs and i really was stupid and thought i wasn't gonna be in this wedding.. like at first she went over details with me than she just stopped - even though i found out she was on a sick leave at work (broken leg, no problem) and really did have the time to reach out.
i don't wanna be in this wedding.. i know if i am in it i will probably never talk to her again. i just feel so guilty, i think she asked out of loneliness because she also said she has nobody to ask but me that she can trust to watch her house when she is on her honeymoon0
i tactfully told her i couldn't be in the wedding i cannot afford it. but she does not get it! she said she told the lady at the webpage to just order the dresses. i have no idea whose dresses she means and i asked if she got my message before (she is impossible to reach by phone!) she was like whats going on
and here i am.. i feel like i am going to be suckered into this wedding i feel horrible saying that but over the years i spent a lot a lot of money on her and i just don't feel like i have any money left to spend. even if i somehow get the money for it i have no idea if i would even want to spend it on her wedding since i have so many other bills and am barely getting by.. i mean the wedding is like a month away! i have no idea how she can order this dress as she has no idea what size to get since they do not even make it in my size.
i just feel like such scum bag for not telling her no sooner, i am ashamed to even post this

 

[Willa]

Girl, don't get me wrong or take this personnal, but how the hell do you always manage to end up in these strange situations?

Just say no, and that's it.
The girl is using you, she doesnt have anyone else and PLUS she asks you to pay for the gown... come on... Non sense!

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks i did say no.. again. just now over the phone, she's mad but i honestly do not care. well i feel like a horrible person but still.
i get into strange situations because i cannot tell people no. like i feel bad saying no and hurting their feelings.. plus i am from a strange town where weird stuff happens everyday. i realize how stupid that sounds

i also get myself really worked up over everything.. i expect some people to say that i am horrible backing out like this but in my hear this is what i feel is right.

 

[malaviKat]

Ah this sounds like such a crappy situation, but from what you've said here, I'm in agreement with you! She honestly sounds like a fair-weather friend.

If you were that close (certainly if you were close enough to be asked to be a bridesmaid) then she should have kept you in the loop, not gone five months without any sign of contact. Had she made an effort to contact you, which she didn't, you would have known about her broken leg etc. I suppose, if you lived in completely different states or something it might make sense that you aren't aware of each others' lives, but if you're close enough to watch her house, surely you're close enough to talk to.

It really sounds as though she's dismissing your financial constraints outright which, at the end of the day, isn't fair to you. I understand that it's the bride's day and whatnot, but anyone who isn't self absorbed would at very least try to cater to the budgets of their bridal party, understanding that most people don't have tons of extra cash sitting around for a dress they'll wear once.

If you really feel that you won't be speaking to her after the wedding, politely inform her (in person/over the phone and in writing) that you cannot be a bridesmaid. And heck...save yourself the cost of the meal and skip the wedding altogether. Maybe she's used too many people in the past and they're sick of her. That would explain why she has "no one else".

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks i was going to skip the wedding but send a gift with another note of apology.. she lives like 15 min from me. i feel horrible, i actually do.. it is so last min, but i really do not even think i am the only one to back out. i just wish i knew someone else in the wedding so i can know whats going on..

 

[malaviKat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BEA2LS thanks i was going to skip the wedding but send a gift with another note of apology.. she lives like 15 min from me. i feel horrible, i actually do.. it is so last min, but i really do not even think i am the only one to back out. i just wish i knew someone else in the wedding so i can know whats going on..

I have only ever been asked to be a bridesmaid once (for a wedding that is no longer happening). In that case, none of the bridesmaids knew each other; two were in one city, two were across the country and one was from Europe. The maid of honor found out who we were (from the bride) and sent us all emails via Facebook.

There are ways to collaborate even if you don't know each other. It is obvious that neither the bride, nor her maid of honor thinks this is important so you definitely shouldn't stress about it.

I can be really cynical about weddings so... LOL I'll probably back you up all the way.

 

[BeautyizPain]

well sorry to be blunt but i would call her and just tell her that your not coming out in the wedding..sounds like a shady person anyways that yes is using you ...if she wants you to come out that bad she'll pay for the dress and stop ignoring you when you mention your financial troubles. and hey its free music & food so you wont be out anything ..and i would make an excuse to not house sit too..but hey i can be a b**** when i know somebody is being phony to me sooo...good luck..

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks, i did call her.. she was mad than said she had to go. i feel great getting it off my chest! i have a feeling that some brides would stick up for her, but i really like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest.

 

[gildedangel]

I'm glad that you told her no; it was shoddy of her to not keep you up to date and she doesn't seem like a good friend. It's hard to say no, but really it is what is best for you. Just put this all behind you!

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks
i feel bad, i really do.. but feel better i told her, i just wish it were sooner

 

[GucciGirl]

Maybe she asked you to be in the wedding because she felt obligated to. Why if you were part of the party would she send you an invite? If you all live 15 minutes away from each other and you are going to be in her wedding why the hell didn't she keep in contact with you? Just to make sure her wedding went smoothly? Also how could she just order your dress? Her bad! Especially if you told her your money was tight. This too me just dosent seem like you were meant to be in the wedding. Where is the maid of honor? Shouldn't she have been in touch even if the bride was too busy? If she is a fly by night friend anyway I would save my money and pay bills or get some MAC!!!

 

[BeautyizPain]

Good for you! yeah she might not wanna talk to you for some time but hey that's not your loss...no one needs people like that in their lives anyway..

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks again, whats weird is that i never even expected to be asked.. like we drifted and that was fine... i guess time to move on.

 

[reesesilverstar]

I'm glad you said no. That whole situation is too confusing to me... It's good you removed yourself from it.

 

[MaskedBeauty]

Don't feel bad at all! It definately seems like the girl is just using you. I think you need to sit down with her and have a talk that way she can't say she "didn't get your message". If shes impossible to reach by phone, show up at her work or even at her house. Just tell her you would like to discuss the wedding with her if she has a few minutes to talk. Then just explain to her that you're sorry it's kind of last minute but due to personal reasons and financial issues you are unable to be in her wedding and you hope she can understand. Make sure to update us and let us know how it goes! good luck. hope this helps.

 

[MaskedBeauty]

whoops, i just barely saw the rest of the postings that you did tell her you can't be in the wedding. Good for you! And if she doesn't forgive you don't even worry about it, just move on. you were perfectly fine before she showed up outta no where ya know?

 

[rei181]

I'm glad you stood up for yourself and said no. I almost wish I wasn't in my friend's wedding.


Quote:

Originally Posted by malaviKat I have only ever been asked to be a bridesmaid once (for a wedding that is no longer happening). In that case, none of the bridesmaids knew each other; two were in one city, two were across the country and one was from Europe. The maid of honor found out who we were (from the bride) and sent us all emails via Facebook. There are ways to collaborate even if you don't know each other. It is obvious that neither the bride, nor her maid of honor thinks this is important so you definitely shouldn't stress about it. I can be really cynical about weddings so... LOL I'll probably back you up all the way.

This is the same thing that I am going through and the wedding is next week. I really haven't seen my friend in 5 years and while we were in college we only saw each other twice, never phoned or emailed either. The only reason I
said yes to being in her wedding is it is an excuse for me to go back to Portland and visit with some friends and professors. Her MOH barely has made contact with us and we are all in different states. I didn't even realize that the dresses were made and they were waiting for me to pay my half. I had to contact the bridal store even though my friend said that she told the store to call each of us. This wedding has been nothing but a hassle for me and has confirmed to me that big weddings aren't worth it. I'm just going to go to the courthouse!

 

[LMD84]

good for you for finally telling her no! to be honest if you can'tafford it then you can't afford it. and if she wasn't about to spend the money on your dress then sod it. plus if you think you're likely to drift apart again then it's really not worth it.

man i sound like a bitch in this post!!

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks again everyone..

 

[Willa]

Maybe it's because I havent had many weddings in my entourage, but do the bridesmaid always have to pay for her dress when it's the bride deciding what it's going to look like???