I feel like I'M the guy in the relationship.

[rachybloom]

I love my boyfriend.. He's such a gentleman and takes care of me so well. We're generally really happy together, but there's one thing that causes a lot of tension between us. I ALWAYS want to have sex.. and he rarely does. It started a few months ago.. and there's just something different.

We've talked about it.. I know for a fact he would never cheat on me.. His best friend cheated on his girlfriend, and he saw how painful it was for his friend to lose the girl and know he hurt her SO badly. And his sister got cheated on by her boyfriend of two years.. And he had to see her everyday crying and in pain. So he's intimately seen both sides of the cheating factor.. Plus, I truly do trust him and he trusts me. We love each other very much and he's my best friend.. So I'm positive it doesn't have anything to do with that. He doesn't even look at any other girl, and he lets me know how beautiful he thinks I am, like EVERY single hour of the day, and we've been dating for almost two years.. I think it's really good of him to be so attentive even though we're out of the "courting" stage of the relationship.

It's just very confusing.. He's 20 and I'm 18, so we're in that age where we're supposed to be having lots and lots of sex all the time. But, I feel like I'm the "guy" because I always want to have sex and he literally wants to do it like.. one night a week (two if I'm lucky). He doesn't look at porn, he doesn't look at other girls, he treats me like a princess. He's more into romance.. I know a lot of girls are reading this right now and thinking, "WHATS THE PROBLEM THEN?" but honestly.. sex is really important to me and feeling WANTED by somebody in such an intimate way is important to me. And when we have it, it's GOOD. But, everytime I ask him why he just earnestly looks me in the eyes and says, "Rachel I honestly have no idea.. I love you so much but I'm just not in the mood a lot anymore." He can get hard, really easily, but something in his head stops him. So it's not a physical thing, it's a mental thing. He's literally lost his libido or something and I try everything to get it back for him. I put in lingerie, I play "coy".. everything. He's definitely NOT stressed out over anything. He's the most relaxed person I've ever met, and he's only taking 9 credits this semester in school. He works as a security guard for a high-end resort, but that's only part time. He apologizes over and over again.. and literally tells me "you're the perfect girl.. it's not you.. It's something that I can't explain but please don't think it has anything to do with you." Even on nights that he seems "frisky" and tells me he wants to.. we just end up cuddling and going to sleep. I know this sounds like a great thing, but sex is important to me and I'm not expecting perfection from him.. But what should I do?

Should I just keep waiting it out until this phase is over? I feel like it's since I started college.. I just don't feel sexually WANTED by him.. If that makes any sense?? You know you can always just feel something when somebody wants you, and I don't feel that by him.. and even though he keeps telling me over and over again how "perfect" I am and he's just in a "weird place" right now.. I'm worried :/ I also feel like this is such a weird situation because it's usually the GIRL who wants to just cuddle and not have sex a lot.. But he always just grabs me and wants to hold me all night, but never get intimate. And I LOVE snuggling with him, but when we're only have sex 1 time a week (2 on a good week..) and I don't feel sexually "desired" by him.. It's hard for me to look past it. Help please

I plan on talking to one of my friends about this.. but it's hard for me to open about something so personal. Please don't think I don't appreciate him because trust me.. I know how lucky I am, he's a special person to me and I know that guys like this are one in a million, but.. lol, I really like to have sex! and he does too, or he used to.. but just not right now :/ It's really hurting me, because I feel like I'm getting rejected by him. He says he's not rejecting me, because he wants me, but he just can't get in the mood. It's not fun, and he's hurting me.. Since starting my new birth control, I've seen a decline in MY libido, but I work for it because I still want to do it. I just don't feel like he even tries..

 

[stronqerx]

my bf works full time, about 40+ hrs a week so we only see each other like 1x a week and when we do see each other...well we do it. But he says he feels so tired after and that he feels so week he probably wouldn't be able to do it that often. I mean as crazy as it may sound, but men get tired (physically) from doin it too often. I don't think theres anything wrong with him. And the fact that he doesnt watch porn, i mean i wouldn't be complaining i'd be happy lol....idk why don't u open up to him and ask him if its because he gets tired or maybe he has something on his mind

 

[user46]

Oh my goodness. This is the EXACT thing i'm going through. I mean, sex isn't the whole thing the relationship is made up of ... but when I ... being the girl... want sex 24/7 and you NEVER want it. Somethings wrong. We just talked about this today. I know that he's not cheating ... but other things go in my mind like "does he wanna leave me, thats why he doesn't get sexually attached to hurt my feelings?" "is something wrong with him"?
I just don't know. But I start to feel like something wrong with me after awhile. We're in like the same boat, lol. So i can't really give advice.

 

[rachybloom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by stronqerx my bf works full time, about 40+ hrs a week so we only see each other like 1x a week and when we do see each other...well we do it. But he says he feels so tired after and that he feels so week he probably wouldn't be able to do it that often. I mean as crazy as it may sound, but men get tired (physically) from doin it too often. I don't think theres anything wrong with him. And the fact that he doesnt watch porn, i mean i wouldn't be complaining i'd be happy lol....idk why don't u open up to him and ask him if its because he gets tired or maybe he has something on his mind

We've talked about it a lot, actually.. And he knows how bad it's hurting me because I've cried over it. Maybe there is something on his mind and he's just not ready to tell me yet.. but he keeps telling me thereisn't anything, he's physically attracted to me but just doesn't have a sex drive? it sounds weird to me.. because guys are SUCH sexual creatures haha.. so maybe I'll just wait it out, but it's been going on for a while now :/

and yes I rejoice in the fact that he dislikes porn! (I've even tried getting him to watch it with me but he just ends up watching ME watch the porn haha)

 

[stronqerx]

well im not going to lie, as much as my boyfriend bitches about how tired he always is, once he 'recovers' *lol*, he wants to go at it again. I mean if he says it has nothing to do with u im sure it has nothing to do with you. You feel like he doesnt sexually desire u bcuz u feel bad bcuz he doesn't want to do it that often. Honestly, somethings going on with him and hes not ready to tell you. I know this because as much as i wanna go at it if my bf is mad at me or upset at sumthing else, he just wont do it ; no matter what. Just wait it out, i mean that's all you can do. Don't let it hit you so hard, take it easy.

 

[user79]

Maybe he just has a lower sexual libido than you? Sex twice a week doesn't sound that bad to me, but if you're wanting it more, you're going to have to either take care of yourself during that time, or maybe you can get him to be involved with it without actual intercourse...to satisfy you. If he's just not wanting to have sex more than once or twice a week and it's not due to anything on his health side, I think you're just going to have to accept that. Pressuring someone to have sex isn't good either. I don't think you should feel bad about yourself though, some people just aren't as sexual as others...

 

[rachybloom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous Maybe he just has a lower sexual libido than you? Sex twice a week doesn't sound that bad to me, but if you're wanting it more, you're going to have to either take care of yourself during that time, or maybe you can get him to be involved with it without actual intercourse...to satisfy you. If he's just not wanting to have sex more than once or twice a week and it's not due to anything on his health side, I think you're just going to have to accept that. Pressuring someone to have sex isn't good either. I don't think you should feel bad about yourself though, some people just aren't as sexual as others...

I guess I can totally see that.. but on the other hand for 1 1/2 years we were having sex (or doing "sexual things.. since we didn't start having intercourse until I went on the pill about six months ago) about five times a week.. and then it was like one day it just stopped. I never put any pressure on him, but I do try to talk to him about it. I'm willing to accept it, especially if it's just a "phase" he has to go through every once in a while, or even for several months, but it's very confusing..
thank you so much

 

[Lauren1981]

i think you just really need to go with your gut on this one. meaning, do you believe what he says or do you just WANT to believe what he says? i'm not saying he's doing anything but in past experience when a boyfriend suddenly stops doing something he used to always do (i.e. sex, calling, going out) it was usually a bad situation. i understand he tells you how beautiful and perfect you are but you know, guys can say anything. i'm very sure you are a beautiful girl but make sure he isn't saying that to you everyday to keep you blinded by what's really going on. you being pretty has nothing to do with the situation which obviously has you very upset. and i don't know him. maybe he is in a weird situation right now but the question is do you feel that's the truth. if you believe him then the next step is asking yourself can you deal with whatever he's going through.
i agree with what i read earlier about 1 or 2 times a week not being bad. i'm 27 and the guy i'm sorta kind involved with is 35. not that age means anything but we are at an age where we're both super busy with our own lives and trying to get things straight, ya know? so if you feel the reason he gives you is justified and YOU believe it, then just relax and find alternatives. if it's not something you want to deal with then be honest with him and let him know.
i just think there's more to the story and no, i don't necessarily think it's cheating but if he just stopped out of nowhere then i would just say keep your eyes wide open. don't go looking for and expecting him to f up, but don't ignore anything that may raise some suspicion in you. and don't just simply rely on him never doing anything because he's seen it hurt others close to him. you can't put anything past anyone these days. just make sure you trust yourself and your instincts 100%
hope this helps and i hope you're feeling a little better today

 

[blindpassion]

You just made me come to the realization that I have decreased sex drive because of my birth control. Thank-you for this thread. Good luck <3

 

[rachybloom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lauren1981 i think you just really need to go with your gut on this one. meaning, do you believe what he says or do you just WANT to believe what he says? i'm not saying he's doing anything but in past experience when a boyfriend suddenly stops doing something he used to always do (i.e. sex, calling, going out) it was usually a bad situation. i understand he tells you how beautiful and perfect you are but you know, guys can say anything. i'm very sure you are a beautiful girl but make sure he isn't saying that to you everyday to keep you blinded by what's really going on. you being pretty has nothing to do with the situation which obviously has you very upset. and i don't know him. maybe he is in a weird situation right now but the question is do you feel that's the truth. if you believe him then the next step is asking yourself can you deal with whatever he's going through. i agree with what i read earlier about 1 or 2 times a week not being bad. i'm 27 and the guy i'm sorta kind involved with is 35. not that age means anything but we are at an age where we're both super busy with our own lives and trying to get things straight, ya know? so if you feel the reason he gives you is justified and YOU believe it, then just relax and find alternatives. if it's not something you want to deal with then be honest with him and let him know. i just think there's more to the story and no, i don't necessarily think it's cheating but if he just stopped out of nowhere then i would just say keep your eyes wide open. don't go looking for and expecting him to f up, but don't ignore anything that may raise some suspicion in you. and don't just simply rely on him never doing anything because he's seen it hurt others close to him. you can't put anything past anyone these days. just make sure you trust yourself and your instincts 100% hope this helps and i hope you're feeling a little better today

thank you

I definitely don't have any reason to distrust him.. There's a lot of things that have gone on between us.. and I definitely have a lot of trust issues, so he had to really work at it for me to trust him. I don't think he's just "spewing" words at me or something.. He's an extremely genuinely person, but I still always am alert and wouldn't be that naive just to listen to his words and be blind to other things. I've come to the conclusion that maybe my sex drive is intimidating somehow? either that or before I met him he was battling serious depression.. and then when we met he told me "he got pulled out of it almost instantly." so I'm thinking maybe he might be lapsing back into some sort of depression or depressive state and that could be affecting his libido.

whatever it is it's not a "deciding factor" for me.. just something that causes tension between us. thanks for all the help ladies

I'll let you know if something happens.

 

[Brittni]

You know, I typically think I'm a good advice giver but this just leaves me stumped - especially since you guys have openly talked about it and whatnot... All I can say is that I sympathize with you. My bf is a bit shy and it always feels like I am putting the moves lol so I can relate to the feeling like I am not sexually wanted or something. *hugs* It does sound like you guys have a great relationship and it's probably just a weird phase though.

 

[Odette]

It is hard to define what is normal but I would suggest he sees his doctor just to have everything checked out.

This could be a hormonal problem.