If you grew up without a father ...

[KAIA]

....You would understand how am I feeling right now.

My 'father' left my mom and me when I was 1 year. He cheated on my mom, so I have a sister who's 6 months younger than me with 'woman #2'. Then he married this OTHER woman (woman #3) and he had like 3 kids with her... but that's not all, he cheated on 'woman #3' with 'woman #2' and had twins.. How confusing, and irresponsible is that huh?

So if you do the math, he has like 7 kids (including me)

Actual ages: 24 (me) , 23, 21, twins of 20, 17 and... 5 years old!!!

He lived 5 blocks from my house, with his new wife and kids, and guess what? he NEVER went to see me, actually, the first time I met him was very shocking, I was walking with my mom, when suddenly, she was like,... 'kaia, that's your dad' I was 7 years old, after that, he went to visit me when I was 12, he gave me a pair of shoes, one short and a t-shirt, he took me to his home, to meet my 'oh-so-called siblings' , and as soon as i got into his house, he left saying ' i'll come back in a sec. I'll go to the store'....
.... He never came back until 2003, when I was 18 years old, in a hospital bed because i got extremly sick, I almost passed out, and my aunt called him.

And, oh, I forgot to mention, that he never gave me not even a penny, my mother tried to take him to court, but he's a policeman in my country, in my VERY CORRUPT country so she couldn't do much. He did, however, sent money to the other kids, at least he would go and visit them.
I am a very resentful towards him, I pretty much hate him. So I had the chance to confront him....
these are his lame excuses:

- Oh well, i never went to see you, because your mom married again, and I didn't wanted her to have problems with her new husband (my stepfather who's another asshole).
my answer: yeah right! my mom got over you, and you were MY dad, you had to go to SEE ME not her, why would that be a problem??
.. and this one is just.. ridiculous.


- Well, I didn't send you money because you mother's family has money and could help you economically....and the other kids , were pretty poor...

AWWWWWWW POOR OF THEM. HOW F*CKING UNFAIR IS THAT???
And this was his last statement...

'' AW, YOU HAVE 6 SIBLINGS, AND YOU ARE THE OLDEST, YOU HAVE A LOT OF RESPONSABILITY ''

WTF???? SO, apparently, I have to take care of his kids??? excuse me???? he's 55 years old, it's not my fault that him and his wife keep having kids!!!! I'm 24, and I'm NOT planning on having any kids, because that would be very irresponsible from me.


I really wanna send him to hell. he's the biggest jerk I've ever met in my life.
Sorry guys, but i'm really bitter, because I can't understand how carefree he is. he even has the nerve to say that I am 'AN UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER' because I don't give him a call....


Have you ever gone through a situation like mine?
like you ever felt it would be better if you never met your biological father?

 

[kaliraksha]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I can't say I've been in the exact same situation and I totally get why you would be so upset. I mean, I have some beef with my dad for the way he did things, like cheated on my mom, and was never home, and I barely talked to him growing up- but he did stick around. I just feel like they're the adult... if they weren't mature enough to be parents they shouldn't have had kids yet.

In the end, I made my peace with the idea by simply remembering that they are humans and I hope they did the best they knew how to at the time... sad thing is... they're probably the way they are because of what they went through as a child.

You don't have to be at a place to forgive him, but for yourself you should try to find a way to let it go. Honestly though, I think you will be really happy later that you confronted him... there is some peace in knowing that at least he knows that you see through his BS and that what he did affected you.

 

[Little Addict]

sorry about your situation and i hope it gets better soon (I don't know how... but still)
i wish i can say that i am in the same situation but I'm not, although i do not talk to my father

once, again, hope everything becomes all right.

 

[BRosa]

Ay Kaia, se me ha virado el estómago cuando he leído tu historia. =(

Girl, cut him out of your life, really. He doesn't add anything good or positive to it. He had a choice when you were born and he decided to keep behaving like an inmature person. The consequences of his acts are his problem. And that about taking care of you smaller siblings, that would be great if you have a relationship with them, but they are not your responsability. We are not in the 1800-1900's.

My parents got divorce when I was 8 y/o and apparently my dad understood he only had a son, not a daughter. He always accused me of being on my mom's side (since that age 'til I got married). It seems I dissapeared. He did other terrible things. I hated him, but you know what? After I went to college and got a life on my own I decided I wasn't going to waste time and energy every time I thought about him. It's sad because I did't not forgive him, I just ignored him. Complete indifference. It's worse because he haven't been part of his grandkids life, but that's okay, I don't want that. I don't invite him to special days like bdays or graduations not because I "hate him" (which I don't anymore, really), but because I completely forget to include him. Moments like that are the one that tells me he is out of my life. It's sad anyway.

Keep living your life at the fullest.

 

[n_c]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha You don't have to be at a place to forgive him, but for yourself you should try to find a way to let it go. Honestly though, I think you will be really happy later that you confronted him... there is some peace in knowing that at least he knows that you see through his BS and that what he did affected you.

I'm with Kalira on this one, for your sake find a way to let it go girl. Don't feel like you have to forgive him. Easier said than done...trust me I do feel ya on this one. My "father" is the biggest asshole of all dads. Same story...never home, had children with other women, physically abusive and all that jazz.

I lost contact with him after my parents FINALLY split up. Believe me, my childhood experience has left me scared beyond repair, but Im slowly trying to deal with it day by day. I have asked my self many times what it is I need from him to get over my pain and you know what the answer is...NOTHING. I need to just get over it, that's it. I dont need an apology from this man. An apology wouldn't change a thing. I'd still feel the same way about my "father".

 

[Half N Half]

I can't say that I can relate to your story, but I'm going to agree with others and say you should just make a conscious decision to let him go. It's probably easier said than done, but it seems like he really hasn't added anything positive to your life at all. He sounds like he's no good and he really doesn't deserve to be in your life. I know it's probably hard, but in the end you will be a much happier person...and I'm sure someday down the road you WILL find a way to forgive him for being such an ass. People are human and do fucked up things!

 

[chaffsters33]

I understand your story and how you must be feeling. My dad is not a real role model either. He cheated on my mom when I was two and had a child with the other woman. Now he barely calls me, always makes excuses, lies and acts like a teenager rather than a old dude.

But its not your fault that he acts this way. He doesn't seem like the kind of person you need in your life. He may just cause you more pain. I wouldn't want to be around someone who doesn't really care about me. Good luck with that situation though, I know it sucks/.

 

[Ruby_Woo]

Ungrateful? What do you have to be grateful for in the first place? What an A**hole. Im sorry, but this really made me mad, because I know people like that.

You have absolutly NO obligation to him or any of his kids. He fathered them, he can take care of them. If not tough shit. Its has nothing to do with you.

You should cut all comunications. Its for the best, or he will never leave you alone.

Hugs.

 

[nursee81]

Wow this sounds similar to my story with my dad. He was married to his current wife and had 2 kids by her then had an affair with my mother and had me and then went back and had a third with his wife. He was my moms best friends bother and my mother never knew he was still with his wife. I never met him or my sibling until I was pregnant with my daughter almost 8 yrs ago.
He basically had the same excuses my mother wouldn't allow him to visit, she was remarried and didn't want to cause trouble and he was scared. He said he tried to make contact but my mother would not allow it at all. I still have never seen him face to face just talked on the phone. and my mother denies it.
I have alot of resentment towards him but I kinda want to know the real him so I can decide who's story I should really believe. Because I could see my mother doing that so she would not cause problems with my step dad who's also an ass.
sorry I went off topic but......

You don't have any responsiblity toward him or his kids and let him know that. He should be the one trying to make it right with you.

 

[DancingBrave]

My mother is a drug addict and much the same way--abandoned my bros and I when I was 9. I spoke to her my freshman year of college, but that's really the only contact since then.

She's selfish, just like your dad. That's the bottom line, and you have to just eject him from your life. Its a source of energy and happiness drain, and being bitter won't solve the problem. It sucks--I hate not having a mom.And my dad was murdered when I was 16 so I don't have a father either. BUT--I'm not going to let her crappy nature ruin my life.

It takes time, but just let it go. At this point, I wouldn't pursue a relationship w/my mother if she begged me. Sometimes, biology just doesn't matter.

 

[KAIA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nursee81 He basically had the same excuses my mother wouldn't allow him to visit, she was remarried and didn't want to cause trouble and he was scared. He said he tried to make contact but my mother would not allow it at all.

To be honest, they can say 'Oh , I didn't go to see you, because your mom wouldn't allow it'... ok, but WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST FIGHT?? you know what I mean, If I was in his position, and I can't see my kid, I would do WHATEVER IT TAKES just to see the kid... of course, if you really want to do it.

I think, it's ok for you to go and talk face to face to your biological father, there's always 2 sides of the story, I think everybody has the right to know it. I feel pretty sad for the whole situation, sad because I can't believe that can exist people that live in denial, not accepting their mistakes, and think that what they did was normal, when it's not.

Yesterday I cried so much, that actually helped me a lot, I'm just gonna keep acting like he never existed, but I stilll have to confront him one more time, and tell him how I really feel jsut for closure, that moment will come very soon.

By the way ladies, how affected were you, by not growing up with you dad/mom?

 

[hhunt2]

Kaia, I totally understand what your going through.

My father in law has 9 kids! My husband (who's the oldest, 27) and his biological brother (25). Then my father in law married again after his ex-wife (my mother in law) cheated on him (well, they met when they were 15 y/o and had the first kid at 19. So I guess she didn't have enough fun during her teen years). The new wife had 3 kids from a previous relationship.

The new wife (Isa) was from El Salvador; she moved to California when she was a kid. She had some sexually abusive family members, so the grandma sent her and her sisters here. When she was 16, she met an older man. They had 3 girls (they are now 16, 15 & 10). When Isa was pregnant with the youngest, she found out that her bf was cheating on her & had gotten another women pregnant. The 2 girls were 6 months apart (off topic, but the same thing happened to a family friend).

Well, after my father in law & his new wife married, she popped out 4 more kids (ages 6, 5, 4, 3). My father in law took custody of the 3 older girls. But the girls visit there biological father once a year (during christmas). The biological dad lives in another state, but has 3 other kids (all girls) with 2 other women. The real dad never gives them money but buys them clothes once a year. The 2 older girls have some issues (maybe caused by the absent dad), but they should always remember that thier step dad will be the best dad they will ever have. He works so hard to make sure all the kids eat well and have clothes on. Plus I'm always there for the 2 older girls when it comes to learned about sex, boys, alcohol/drugs and soon driving.

Sorry for the long story but I know where your coming from. Having anger towards your father is normal, but you eventually will be sick & tired of being angry (and that anger will turn into disapointment). You have to remember that you are a better person... Remember that when you have children later in life, you (and your significant other) will make sure your kids have a way better life with parental love.

P.S: Unfortunatly, my nephew (7 y/o), is going through similar issues currently. My brother in law (his biological dad) was in & out of my nephews life b/c he loved alcohol more. So my nephews mom decided to keep his dad out of his life. My bro could never show responsibility (even till now). He would show porn to my nephew, have alcohol everywhere, drugs, never put him in school, no rules, etc. Now my bro is living in a different state & got his current gf pregnant. She gave birth the otherday and my bro is calling my husband saying he wants to leave her.

 

[stacey131]

I grew up with a father that loved me, but battled with his own demons. Some people should just not have children in my book...and when they do sometimes leaving them is the best they know how to do.

This doesn't help I am sure...but even some people who had a father growing up have issues too.

Good luck and stay strong

 

[Sexycocolatte]

I can kinda understand. but i've never met my father ever. but f#uck him. just move on. you must be stable or stable enough to be able to take care of him. hes just looking out for his own interest. drop him off some depends underware and block his phone number.

sorry im so sour. but i can feel your pain

 

[DancingBrave]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KAIA Yesterday I cried so much, that actually helped me a lot, I'm just gonna keep acting like he never existed, but I stilll have to confront him one more time, and tell him how I really feel jsut for closure, that moment will come very soon. By the way ladies, how affected were you, by not growing up with you dad/mom?

You know, it didn't really bug me until I got older. As a kid I was a tomboy and loved hanging w/my daddy. Getting my period was weird--but that was the worst of it.

I initiated contact with her after I turned 18, and that didn't exactly go well. She took one phone call and wrote me a letter. She sent me fifty bucks. Then she just ended all communication. It left me a bit bitter and feeling rejected again. I think for some time I felt a little less awesome than everyone. I mean, my own mother doesn't even love me. And that second rejection, it was only 2 years after my father had died. I thought there was a hole in my life.

But, I have some great people in my life and they helped me realize there's no hole.Not really. I might have imagined one, but I've got fab friends and people who love me--and my makeup

I've got everything I need.

 

[carandru]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KAIA By the way ladies, how affected were you, by not growing up with you dad/mom?

I can understand where you are coming from. But, I've found that the best thing to do is either cut that person off OR accept that this is how they are and expect very little in return from them.

My mother was addicted to drugs pretty much my entire childhood. When she was "raising" us, she would be gone for weeks at a time. When she did come home, she would sleep for a week and hit the streets again. The times that my sis and I did see her, it was usually only to beg for our money that our dad sent us. I still remember her trying to take my money for my field trip to space camp.

I can honestly say that I don't feel like my mother's absence in my life has affected me negatively. Ha ha, it was when she was actually around that posed the negative impact. I can't lie, sometime it was really hard at school b/c the boys there were the ones selling drugs to my mom. You can only imagine the things I had to listen to at school. But, honestly that only made me focus more on school b/c it was the one thing in my life that I could control (at least that's what it felt like). She was clean for awhile and even made it to my high school graduation all nice and sober. Then my brother was murdered a year later, and now she's traded the illegal drugs for o so legal alcohol....

. I still love her and include her in my life cuz she's my mom, but I don't really deal w/ her unless I have to. She gets mad at us all the time b/c we don't have the mother/daughter relationship she expects. But come on woman, you didn't give us that mother dynamic to even expect us to have a relationship remotely like that.

Anywho, growing up w/ my dad only was actually pretty awesome (I only lived w/ my mom for a couple of years). He let us get away w/ a lot of stuff simply b/c he's a guy so he didnt' know better, lol. But all in all, he made an awesome mother and father. Not only did he teach me how to cook and made sure we had our hair did ;-), he taught us how men think/act. He taught us how to fix cars and helped us deal w/ our first heartbreak. I know a lot of people think this about their parents, but my father truly was the best dad in the world! Lol. I never really missed having a mother except for those mother/daughter events at school. And even then, he would show up if I asked him too, lol. He's a doctor (and an extreme realist) so the whole period and sex thing wasn't a big deal at all. Lol, he just broke out his medical book and explained everything.

 

[L1LMAMAJ]

Aww that made me tear up. I could not imagine my life without my dad. I'm sorry to hear that your dad STILL (after 24 years) doesn't know how to be a decent father. His excuses are so lame.

If I were in your situation, I would try to just cut all ties with him. If he's not gonna be a good father and at least go see you once in a while, then he's not worth your time or your energy. Yes, we all wish and pray that people can be different but it's completely up to him. It's been 24 years and if he's not gonna change and shape up, he probably never will. You have other family and your friends that you can count on so it's his loss that he never tried to have a relationship with you. I know it's harder than it sounds and I can't say I can relate but I do wish you the best of luck!!

 

[n_c]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carandru Anywho, growing up w/ my dad only was actually pretty awesome (I only lived w/ my mom for a couple of years). He let us get away w/ a lot of stuff simply b/c he's a guy so he didnt' know better, lol. But all in all, he made an awesome mother and father. Not only did he teach me how to cook and made sure we had our hair did ;-), he taught us how men think/act. He taught us how to fix cars and helped us deal w/ our first heartbreak. I know a lot of people think this about their parents, but my father truly was the best dad in the world! Lol. I never really missed having a mother except for those mother/daughter events at school. And even then, he would show up if I asked him too, lol. He's a doctor (and an extreme realist) so the whole period and sex thing wasn't a big deal at all. Lol, he just broke out his medical book and explained everything.

Consider yourself lucky, your dad sounds awesome and what a good dad should be like.

 

[Bgirl17lovesMAC]

WOW that is crazy and no you are not an ingrate like he says!! I personally did not go through that I grew up with both parents and 2 brothers however I do have a daughter who is growing up with out her dad. He decided to leave me when I was pregnant with her, he came to see her once when she was 3 weeks old. He said he said " I will come back tomorrow" that never happened she will be 2 next month. He's never given her anything either. We got in touch a few weeks ago and he cursed me out and that was the end of that. I don't like him and after reading this it kind of reminded me of my daughters dad.. Grrrr I am getting upset just by thinking about it..

 

[Bgirl17lovesMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sexycocolatte I can kinda understand. but i've never met my father ever. but f#uck him. just move on. you must be stable or stable enough to be able to take care of him. hes just looking out for his own interest. drop him off some depends underware and block his phone number. sorry im so sour. but i can feel your pain

AMEN to that!!