i'm so upset

[BEA2LS]

I am so overwhelmed right now.. recently my boyfriend and i have started hanging out with new friends.. and last night we were at someone's house and i wanted to go home to bed (i had work today, he didn't) and he wanted to stay.. one of the girls asked if i minded, which i didn't, but he barely said goodbye to me (he insisted he said goodbye, but i ignored him, idk). i dropped the landuary that was in my car off at his apartment (which i techincally live in but was staying at my moms house this week to watch her house and i knew company was probably coming over and since it is a stuido, i didnt want to be bothered..)
well he didn't call or text me or anything while he was out but text me this morning saying he had a lot he had to say.
he ended up going to a strip club! but because he didn't have his ID (He's 23 but looks younger) hey kicked them out. this was with two females and one guy. i flipped out! i trust that he didn't do anything wrong but the point of him going there without even texting me to give me a heads up made me insane! i am glad he was upfront with me and know i am over-reacting but this really upset me.
than i did something really stupid lol and told him something ive been keeping from him.. so i now i feel guilty about flipping out on him!
the thing is, he's really isolated, me and him really dont have friends and it was me who pushed him into going out.. he said he;ll never go out again (he goes through times when he barely leaves the house, so it might be true) but i told him we need friends, blah blah.
idk i just needed to vent

 

[BEA2LS]

also, i am now most paranoid that he will no longer tell me anything because i over-reacted. to be honest, we had trust issues in the past and it involves his ex who used to be friends with one of the girls who went last night (she no longer talks to his ex and also used to be a very, very close friend of mine.)
and i dont know. they knew i dropped off his landuary and the jerk, paul made a comment "your girl is doing your landuary". and it was so not like that. than the girl asked if i would be mad that he went. he said no, and that i always tell him to go out. she was like "ohh.. smart, make it seem like her idea" ugh
its so not like that. to be honest im kinda the one in charge in the relationship.. i really upset him by fighting

and i do feel bad and i also felt bad when i told him the secret i've been hiding. i just, idk.. im so very upset right now and worried he will never tell me anything or go behind my back or something now cause i freaked out.

 

[TISH1124]

Ok...I guess all this is kinda confusing to me so I certainly won't be of much help....But I am confused by the statement...."I am always the one in charge in the relationship" In charge of what...everything that goes on...what he can or cannot do? This part I guess I don't get how any one person is in charge of a relationship between two people....If this is the case...Maybe he is tired of having someone be in Charge of him?? Maybe I am misunderstanding?

 

[BEA2LS]

it is a complicate situation to begin with, when i say in charge, i did not mean i tell him what to do. i beg him to be more independent, actually but he literally comes to me before making any sorts of decisions.. money, anything. he is paranoid schizophrenic and i have been with him for a long time. he is literally scared to leave the house most days, which is why i want him to hang out so badly with friends. i just, i don't know how many of you deal with someone with mental illness, but it is exhausting and really stressful. i just feel like all i do for him, the least he could do is tell him he was going to a strip club. he mentioned it in the past and i always told him id be cool with it, whatever and i didn't really wanna go but just let me know and thats it.
i was mad that i looked stupid in front of all those people.. they are not aware of his mental state as it has wrosen since they last saw him. and i am just mad at myself for over-reacting and am worried he will never tell me anything again

 

[TISH1124]

Oh I see...I was unaware that he needed help as far as making some basic decisions..I am sure he will understand that you spoke out of anger and will still confide in you after he is over being upset. He was probably just trying to be one of the guys and fit in when he acted the way he did...No one wants to be judged on the basis of their disabilities and he probably was just trying to act in a manner that he thought people would accept him and treat him as a equal. He probably meant nothing by it...He just wanted to be one of the guys and hide his illness. I don;t think I would want people to know if I was him either so he was just acting out...Just let him know that was not the best way to deal with the situation because you love him and worry about him when he is out...and you want the best for the relationship.

Hopefully you guys will work things out and understand what each other needs from the relationship.

 

[Mizz.Coppertone]

it kinda sounds like u play a mother role with him? either way, yes he should have told u, but maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal? or maybe he was really excited to just get out. just ask him to please atleast text u what hes up to so u have peace of mind (tell him u worry if u dont hear from him, ur not trying to control him, u just wanna know hes okay while hes out).

a strip club would never fly with me, i hate them and i would want to kill my man if i found out he went to one with 2 girls and a guy like that. ur dealing with it better then i ever would.

 

[BEA2LS]

i just typed a huge long reply and lost it.
thanks so much for your advice.. he wasn't always sick, you know? he used to be so much fun and so full of life.. but anyway
it's been a horrible year for him, he is having custody problems with his son, who had before me and it's just kinda rough.
i am so mad at him for going, to be honest.. all i wanted was like a simple text message, you know? i did something behind his back (not cheating or anything, but something he didnt want me to do) and i dissapointed him with that but i am dissapointed with him. he has no idea why it is a big deal.. he thought id thank him for his honesty, which i did, much later though.
i just feel like i over-reacted and when i upset him, he gets soo upset. it is so hard to be with someone who is mentally ill.. it's been five years but since late 2005, he has become more and more unstable.
but people cannot tell unless they know him. he has his family fooled even.

 

[BEA2LS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizz.Coppertone it kinda sounds like u play a mother role with him? either way, yes he should have told u, but maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal? or maybe he was really excited to just get out. just ask him to please atleast text u what hes up to so u have peace of mind (tell him u worry if u dont hear from him, ur not trying to control him, u just wanna know hes okay while hes out).

that's another thing, i do not know if he will leave the house again! last time we fought he didn't socialize for almost a good year. he says i never let him have any fun, heh. he really thinks im to blame, he said i was jealous, etc. it's not like that though i just wanted him to at least text me just once. seriously. than my friend came back to the apartment and they took a drive and she passed out.. it's just so.. trashy lol. i did text her, first to ask if she was okay because she apparently took five pills before drinking than i did mention i fought with my bf all morning. mostly because she knew it was messed up and it was me being stuble not to do it. she knows he's crazy, but she is so gone herself.. i know these are not the best choice in friends but anything to make him leave the house is good.
it just.. offends me, so many times i ask him to take a ride with me or go to the beach with me and he always says no.. he only leaves the house to buy groceries and thats only sometimes. but if someone else asks hes all for it!

 

[blindpassion]

To be honest, none of that sounds healthy.

I think you should have a chat with him about you two getting out more together, and finding friends that you both enjoy spending time with.

When I started dating my boyfriend, we would go out every weekend with friends, and now all the people that I introduced him to love him and they are great friends.

Its really healthy for your relationship.

 

[TISH1124]

yeah mental illness can be more difficult on the people that care for them.....I think you must love him to have put up with all the emotions this long...He is probabaly just trying to act like other guys tell him he should...men are MORE MANLY acting around their friends than they know they really are...it's a guy thing...

But on a seperate note....You might want to refrain from calling him "Crazy" that may not be helping...I am not sure if you are just saying that to us or if you tell people or him that he is...If so maybe he is trying to convince everyone that he is not Crazy and acting out to try and prove it.

 

[BEA2LS]

i knew someone would mention the crazy thing

we call eachother crazy, i do not tell other people he is usually though he would tell them in a heartbeat that i am.. we just always have always will. at first ironically i was the crazy one as i was going through depression and anxiety and he would always call me crazy.. he calls himself crazy, too. he's not really sensitive about his illness, to be honest. more in denial half the time and terrified the other half.
i know it's not healthy, which is why i tried to get him to go out more, period. even if it meant with them. i have no idea how to make new friends with him, i do not have much energy (or money left) to go out so i do not care if i have friends, to be honest.. but i just wanted him to leave the house.
it's actually much worse than this sounds lol. we have been to doctors and counselors and it's just tough.. i do not understand much of this to be understood, i am just so stressed out. he is on this thing where he wants to move cross country, he just.
i do not know, sorry for venting. i just feel so lost in all of this.. with my help he lives a very normal life. he was working and got laid off which was a huge blow for him. once his sleeping schedule is off, he will just kind of lose it. i have to stay with him, in order to make sure the dog is taken outside and that the oven is turned off.. he recently put up an expensive security system (including cameras) which i was all for, thinking it would calm him down but now he thinks a jungle is outside of his house (i'm serious). he is under medical care and the doctor said he is doing so well and everyone is so proud. but it is a huge burden on me sometimes because i know i am the one keeping him together.

 

[TISH1124]

I think you guys just need to sit and talk...Maybe he is not fully aware of what you mean when you say go out ...and what you expect of him when he goes out....it is probably just a misunderstanding.....Also let him know that it bothers you that he doesn't ever want to go out with you when you ask...and ask him why he doesn't..especially when he is so willing to hang with others.

 

[BEA2LS]

thanks so much for listening.. i just was kinda, i don't know. i was surprised because i thought i'd take him home but instead he didn't even ask if i'd mind, he just went to the other girl's car! he swears he said goodbye and thought they'd just take him home but i had to stop by his apartment anyway (20 min out of my way) because i had his landuary in my car.
thanks again, i am so exhausted, i just want this day to end so i can sleep.

 

[kaliraksha]

Things I would do in your shoes (all based on my views of my relationship):

1. Tell him that you expect a text/call whenever you're expecting him home and he's not coming home at the agreed upon time.
2. Tell him you're not ok with him going to strip clubs randomly, especially with some other girls. (that would be my verdict w/ my bf)
3. Tell him you're sorry for being so upset or overreacting (if you feel like you did)
4. Try to think of whatever you did that you "shouldn't" have and realize what he did is what you did in the past- a mistake. Try to let it go. Couples get into fights especially when there are miscommunications.
5. To make sure he doesn't continue to stay in, I would try to temporarily be in charge of making sure he goes out more with me. I would probably call back that group of friends you guys hung out with and plan something social with them to show that you're ok with hanging with them again, to reassure that his efforts to hang out were in the right direction. (if you do still want to see them)

Hope you two work it out.

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

I hate to be negative. My man goes to the titty bar all the time. That shit doesnt bother me. I rather have him go see nakie girls than a regular club. U sound like a boss not a GF. My two cents