Men not interested in sex? Wha?

[GreekChick]

I have been with my SO for about 2 yrs now. Like all couples we have our ups, and we have our downs (Alot of downs. Probably more downs than ups). We're really into eachother, and still have that passionate can't-stop-looking-at-you-or-keep-my-hands-off-of-you type of spark. One moment we're gazing into eachother's eyes, the next we're barking at eachother in the most disrespectful manner. We fight constantly, about the dumbest, most ummemorable things. After alot of thinking, I have finally discovered the cause of my bitchy manner toward him.
Resentment.
I am very feminine, yet I feel as though I am the "guy" in our relationship, and he the "woman". When I say I wear the pants, I mean I am the one who's constantly on him, touching him, lusting after him, describing the effect he has on me. I cannot get him to act this way!

Which I am not used to because, well...he's the one with the testosterone right? He's always going on and on about how much he's inlove me, how much he's happy to have found me, etc...He's litterally gotten teary nearly every time he's described how he feels about me. Yep, I've got a sensitive guy, which is every woman's dream right?
It was mine, until I noticed how weird it was that he was so emotionally attached to me, yet very rarely showed any sexual interest. For the record, he's always complimenting me, telling me how much I attract him. On the other hand, his actions say nothing. He's never touching me, lusting after me, telling me how much he wants me. If he touches me, it's never in a sexual purpose. He's full of affection.
I have tried everything: I've told him how I feel numerous times, we've fought about it numerous times, I've tried the lingerie, the kinky femme fatale attitude...Nothing has worked. I pretty much always always approach him for sex. It's gotten so bad that we can't "finish" eachother, when we have it. A few nights ago, while we we're doing it, he stopped halfway, becoming all soft, to tell me, in an annoyed tone "I don't want to feel forced to have to show you sexual attention. I feel so much pressure to impress you sexually. I will give you more attention if you constantly stop asking for it." This really hurt me, because I know it's not true. I have tried every trick in the book, including "playing hard to get" or "acting like i don't care about sex". Nothing came out of it. I have put his theory to the test once. I went a full 2 weeks without showing any sexual interest in him, and only showcasing my emotional side. I was expecting for him to at least wonder why the sex was lacking between us. He didn't even notice.
Has anyone ever dealt with this before? It's extremely frustrating for me to know that I have tried everything, including talking about it till death do me part, and still know that *I* am testosterone crazed one in this relationship. As his girlfriend, and hopefully long-term partner, I need to know that I have a sexual power over him. I need to know that I can get him weak in the knees just by looking at me.
I don't understand how someone can be deeply inlove, and show such a low interest in sex?

 

[dirtyMartini]

I think your own reasoning/attitude might be the very reason he can't get it up at this time. Let me explain. In your post you go on and on about how YOU wear the pants and how YOU are the testosterone-crazed one. That most probably translates directly into your attitude with your man, putting him under constant pressure to show you how much he wants you and to "perform" when you're having sex to try to outsex your own attitude. And to top it off, because your pressuring him hasn't given you positive results, you've become resentful and you end up bitching at him even more.

So what's the end result? Boy gets scared, nervous, under constant pressure and bitching, yelling, drama... Us women when we're under pressure we cry and bitch and whine to our friends for days... But boys aren't like that... See to them all the drama in their personal lives just translates to one and only ONE thing: can't get it up!

So, what do you do? NOTHING! That's right! Not a goddamn thing. Since you know he loves you and he ain't going anywhere anyways (especially not with that limp macaroni of his, har har), for now your best strategy is to let things cool down. Your goal is to get the pressure off of him. Be your sweet caring self and focus on trying to get rid of the resentment within your own system. Compliment him. Be sweet to him. Show him how manly and sexy you find him when appropriate. Show affection. Give it lots of time and he'll regain his confidence and desire towards you eventually. Be patient.

I really don't think this has anything to do with his testosterone, or lack thereof. See, when a guy really cares about you, somehow his dick ends up being the first thing that gets affected when there's lots of drama. I think that if there's anything positive in this situation, is that you can be sure that he has true feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't make an effort to show you affection in any way he can despite all of this stress. Most guys just wouldn't bother. It might not enough for you right now, but try to focus on the positive.

And if you really want a healthy relationship, don't try to play games. I would bet a case of MAC that he did notice that the two of you didn't have sex for two whole weeks. And sadly, he was probably relieved. Manipulating him in this manner to get him to chase you before he's ready isn't going to do you any good.

 

[dirtyMartini]

Oh et qu'est ce qui se passe a Mtl?

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyMartini I think your own reasoning/attitude might be the very reason he can't get it up at this time. Let me explain. In your post you go on and on about how YOU wear the pants and how YOU are the testosterone-crazed one. That most probably translates directly into your attitude with your man, putting him under constant pressure to show you how much he wants you and to "perform" when you're having sex to try to outsex your own attitude. And to top it off, because your pressuring him hasn't given you positive results, you've become resentful and you end up bitching at him even more. So what's the end result? Boy gets scared, nervous, under constant pressure and bitching, yelling, drama... Us women when we're under pressure we cry and bitch and whine to our friends for days... But boys aren't like that... See to them all the drama in their personal lives just translates to one and only ONE thing: can't get it up! So, what do you do? NOTHING! That's right! Not a goddamn thing. Since you know he loves you and he ain't going anywhere anyways (especially not with that limp macaroni of his, har har), for now your best strategy is to let things cool down. Your goal is to get the pressure off of him. Be your sweet caring self and focus on trying to get rid of the resentment within your own system. Compliment him. Be sweet to him. Show him how manly and sexy you find him when appropriate. Show affection. Give it lots of time and he'll regain his confidence and desire towards you eventually. Be patient. I really don't think this has anything to do with his testosterone, or lack thereof. See, when a guy really cares about you, somehow his dick ends up being the first thing that gets affected when there's lots of drama. I think that if there's anything positive in this situation, is that you can be sure that he has true feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't make an effort to show you affection in any way he can despite all of this stress. Most guys just wouldn't bother. It might not enough for you right now, but try to focus on the positive. And if you really want a healthy relationship, don't try to play games. I would bet a case of MAC that he did notice that the two of you didn't have sex for two whole weeks. And sadly, he was probably relieved. Manipulating him in this manner to get him to chase you before he's ready isn't going to do you any good.

Thank you for this!

I see your point on the game playing, and how it's a sign of a unhealthy relationship. In our case, under all that game-playing, name calling, and what not, are burried a ton of feelings for eachother.
I noticed that I am always the one initiating, and it has been the cause of all the fighting we've had. What saddens me is that we could have such a great, amazing relationship, but because of the annoyance that comes with always being the one to put the moves *yet again*, our potential is ruined. I'm genuinely sweet to him, always complimenting him, trying to be the a really great partner to him. Even then, when things are great and stress-free between us, he doesn't say or do anything that might make me think that he's interested in me. Sometimes I think that he might not see me that way, as if I have become the Madonna to him.

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dirtyMartini Oh et qu'est ce qui se passe a Mtl?

A Mtl? La rue St-Catherine est a veille de s'effondrer et tous les commerces, incluants les metros sont fermes. Les viaducs et les betons sont tellement vieux, et insecuritaires.A part ca, on se prepare pour l'hiver!

 

[jenii]

To me, it sounds like he's intimidated.

But, if you're always the one who has to initiate...

I mean, the feelings could be there, and very strong, but maybe you guys just aren't compatible. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

 

[dirtyMartini]

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreekChick I noticed that I am always the one initiating, and it has been the cause of all the fighting we've had. What saddens me is that we could have such a great, amazing relationship, but because of the annoyance that comes with always being the one to put the moves *yet again*, our potential is ruined. I'm genuinely sweet to him, always complimenting him, trying to be the a really great partner to him. Even then, when things are great and stress-free between us, he doesn't say or do anything that might make me think that he's interested in me. Sometimes I think that he might not see me that way, as if I have become the Madonna to him.

Well he wouldn't have gotten with you if he weren't seeing you that way, would he? I mean unless you're the one who asked him out and he went out with you because of other outside pressures, and if he happens to be the personality type that will always tries to please people.. Then maybe yes I would say there's some possibility that he wasn't interested to begin with...

That being said, who knows why he never initiates sex! Maybe he's intimidated like somebody else said.. Maybe his ex was really prude and made him feel bad for always wanting it all the time so he grew to just let the girl initiate it.. Maybe he just has too much respect for you to ask for it.. There could be plenty of good reasons. Maybe he's just not expressive when it comes to his own desires because he doesn't feel comfortable with them.. Trying to understand him in the first place will get you much better results!

I think that you made a mistake in the first place by picking fights with him over this. Bitching at your partner will never get you what, it will only make things worse. You should have first of all taken the time to understand where he's coming from with all of this.. And then gently told him that you'd be please if he initiated.. He might not have gotten the message right away, but with sparse, gentle reminders perhaps he would have made an effort...

Unfortunately you got hurt by this as well and started to get annoyed and grew resentment. That's all valid feelings, but because of your reaction you've now bruised his ego. It might sound funny to us girls, but a man's ego is the most fragile thing EVER!!! And I'm seriously speaking from experience here!! Questioning a man's testosterone level is the absolute worst way to insult him!

So now the first thing for you to do to get out of this mess is to revert to where he feels comfortable with you again. Yes, you're pissed, and annoyed and it's unfair that YOU're the one doing all this work.. But if you're not willing to make a sacrifice and try to be the bigger person.. Tu vas juste t'enfoncer encore plus dans ta situation actuelle.. where all you do is bitch and bitch at each other.. and it's only going to get worse! So step 1 is to make him think that everything is fine again and that yes, he is THE MAN. Then hopefully after some time he'll be able to get it up again.

Then, to finally be able to get what you want, once everything is calm, try gently talking to him about you wanting him to initiate things. Give it lots of time, and show appreciation for the little things that he does to try to improve (even if it really doesn't sound like much at first). That will encourage him. I'm sure he wants to please you as well. Try not seeing him as the enemy who just isn't interested or impotent. Work with him and hopefully everything will work out for you!

 

[miszjenny]

ha my bf is the same way and now i don't want to do anything at all he's the one asking for it... bleh no way jose... your chances are over lol. its still fun even without that. i can live without it muahahahhaha

 

[Obreathemykiss]

I can relate to you. In the beginning...probably for the first year of our relationship, we were all over the place. Then it slowed...and slowed some more...and then almost haulted. It wasn't because of anything I had done, at least that I know of. He said I never initiated it, but that was NOT true because I used to all the time. So fast forward and he thought I was cheating on him. He was so angry with me, but for whatever reason, it picked up again! And then I had surgery and it stopped and now I'm back at square one.

I wish I could tell you what to do but can't because I would love to know as well!

Good luck honey. The best thing you can do is not push it. It seems you are making him uncomfortable, but at the same time, a woman has needs. IMO, nothing wrong with pleasing yourself

 

[GreekChick]

^^Thank you so much! Yup, it hasn't resolved itself.

 

[juxt123]

no offense but he seems gay seriously

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

Sounds like your sex drives are just different. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship and if the worst comes to the worst, pull out your favourite toy and get cracking lol. Being pressured into sex is a turn off and also people go through quiet phases like that.

Not every man is a walking pile of testosterone unlike the stereotype and it doesn't mean they're gay either if they don't feel like sex but still show you affection. Not every bloke is desperate to have sex with everything he sees lol.

Honestly, I would just back off a bit and enjoy the relationship and make sure he feels comfortable making the first move.

 

[dollypink]

eh men are just like women sometimes - they have days when they feel a bit fat, have a headache, don't feel sexy or are just plain tired.
i wouldn't worry about it, but be understanding.

 

[Kalico]

I had an ex like that. He was addicted to porn to the point where he didn't enjoy sex. Yikes, it was bad.

 

[theblackqueen]

This happens to me a lot

I'm pretty much always horny, and I just want more and more, and he tells me "not now". He also says his body is physically incapable of keeping up with me, which I am more understandable about considering I go through vibrators like crazy... but it still kind of hurts when he just says no.
I'm sure my insecurity also stems from his lack of complements thrown my way when I'm constantly telling him how handsome and sexy i find him. I feel like he maybe doesn't appreciate me when my last three exes practically worshipped me and had only eyes for me, made me feel like I was special and sexy and stuff. This guy maybe says i'm pretty once in a blue moon and talks about how sexy some girl with huge tits (I'm pretty flat, so this hurts) or how sexy he finds dita von teese. Dita is way sexy and I love her, but I just feel like he should say that he finds me sexy too or something. Throw me a frickin' bone here, man! He knows he like, crushes my self confidence this way, but he hasn't really changed T_T
All the same, it doesn't really stop me from being horny I shouldn't complain then.
Oh, and he's wicked shy so he never tells me what he wants X_X I'm all for you know, letting someone be dominant and have their way with you and crap like that, but it's hard to work off of someone who gives you no basis or sets no limits...especially with some of the crazy ideas in my head.
I wonder if this whole thing just stems from him being so shy!
saa. I think this is just something I need to learn to live with. Thank goodness for the Hitachi Magic Wand!

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kalico I had an ex like that. He was addicted to porn to the point where he didn't enjoy sex. Yikes, it was bad.

That's a horrible situation to be in! I'm sorry to hear that. It's not fun being compared to some fake labia he saw on tv, wow!

Quote:

Originally Posted by theblackqueen This happens to me a lot I'm pretty much always horny, and I just want more and more, and he tells me "not now". He also says his body is physically incapable of keeping up with me, which I am more understandable about considering I go through vibrators like crazy... but it still kind of hurts when he just says no. I'm sure my insecurity also stems from his lack of complements thrown my way when I'm constantly telling him how handsome and sexy i find him. I feel like he maybe doesn't appreciate me when my last three exes practically worshipped me and had only eyes for me, made me feel like I was special and sexy and stuff. This guy maybe says i'm pretty once in a blue moon and talks about how sexy some girl with huge tits (I'm pretty flat, so this hurts) or how sexy he finds dita von teese. Dita is way sexy and I love her, but I just feel like he should say that he finds me sexy too or something. Throw me a frickin' bone here, man! He knows he like, crushes my self confidence this way, but he hasn't really changed T_T All the same, it doesn't really stop me from being horny I shouldn't complain then. Oh, and he's wicked shy so he never tells me what he wants X_X I'm all for you know, letting someone be dominant and have their way with you and crap like that, but it's hard to work off of someone who gives you no basis or sets no limits...especially with some of the crazy ideas in my head. I wonder if this whole thing just stems from him being so shy! saa. I think this is just something I need to learn to live with. Thank goodness for the Hitachi Magic Wand!

I hope you two can work it out! If he's always makig comments about other girls, and hurting you, it's almost like verbal and emotional abuse. You shouldn't learn to live with it! Talk to him, and if he refuses reconsider what you two have. His comments are just not right!

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollypink eh men are just like women sometimes - they have days when they feel a bit fat, have a headache, don't feel sexy or are just plain tired. i wouldn't worry about it, but be understanding.

Thank you!

I'm trying to be more and more understanding, and yes that really works!

Quote:

Originally Posted by V15U4L_3RR0R Sounds like your sex drives are just different. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship and if the worst comes to the worst, pull out your favourite toy and get cracking lol. Being pressured into sex is a turn off and also people go through quiet phases like that. Not every man is a walking pile of testosterone unlike the stereotype and it doesn't mean they're gay either if they don't feel like sex but still show you affection. Not every bloke is desperate to have sex with everything he sees lol. Honestly, I would just back off a bit and enjoy the relationship and make sure he feels comfortable making the first move.

Thanks! I have backed off a bit, it does work. I've also noticed things where better while I was on the pill. It is true, men hate condoms.

 

[macface]

I'm the same way right now. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. Our arguments have gotten so bad because we never have sex. GRRRRRR its gets so pissed off. Your the same way as me I'm the men in the relationship.

 

[GreekChick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by macface I'm the same way right now. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. Our arguments have gotten so bad because we never have sex. GRRRRRR its gets so pissed off. Your the same way as me I'm the men in the relationship.

Exactly! All the fights have that ONE underlying cause!

 

[chocolategoddes]

maybe it's not you... it's him.

 

[ArsenicKiss]

Among the problems that my ex and I had when we were together, this was totally one of them. I was the one that wanted sex, and he usually didn't. Or, if he did, it had to be when he wanted, how he wanted and blah blah blah. We wound up fighting about it a lot. I wish that I could say that things worked out when I tried different things, but the first thing I suggest is for the two of you to talk about it, seriously, and try to figure out if you two are compatible. Sometimes, people just express themselves physically in different ways. It isnt' the biggest deal, but if it bothers you, it's something that the two of you have to work out.