My bf broke up with me

[Orchid_01]

I've been with my bf for almost 3 years and just a few days ago he broke up with me. He said that he needs to be single and that he is unhappy and needs to work on himself. I never knew that this was coming. We were just making dinner with his friends, watching movies, he was saying "I love you", and we were cuddling. I was totally puzzled and asked him if all that was fake. He said "no". All this hurts so badly because it was so sudden. We only got into a fight once just a week ago and he was begging me to stay. And now hes the one breaking up with me. We only had one break about 8 months ago. He was the one that wanted the break and it didnt even last long it lasted a whole day and he wanted me back. I just feel like this break up might be the end of our love relationship.

I met up with him yesterday and he said that he wants to be friends with me first because when we first started seeing eachother we werent even friends yet. We had the same class together, liked eachother, went on one date and just jumped on the gun and were bf and gf. He said he still wanted to hang out with me as friends and that he didnt mind me hanging out with his friends or family. Actually he said that he WANTED me to hang out with his friends and family and wouldnt have a problem with that.

He also said that he felt trapped being in a relationship and that he wants to enjoy the single life. See, Im his FIRST serious gf and I think he wants to experience this single life so he can date other girls and see what its like. I mean I totally understand and I have been in more relationships and hook ups than he has so maybe he feels he is missing something. He also said that it wasnt about anything i did or about our relationship he just wants to be SINGLE!....ugh im so mad and sad bout this whole situation. I agreed to be friends with him because we had so much memories together and I rather be friends than not ever talking to him or seeing him. He is a good person and I've met some wonderful ppl through him. Its just so hard to not hold him and kiss him...I know im not going to hang out with him right away I gotta give myself sometime to heal and i guess give him time as well. Like I dont want our love relationship to end and I feel that this maybe the end of it. Even though we are going to start a friendship things are going to be so different.

Do you think it would be weird to be friends with an ex bf? what should I do?

 

[banana1234]

it isnt wierd, but i think at first it may be hard for you, esp if he starts flirting with other girls, at the end of the day, if he doesnt want a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship with you, forget what he tells you he wants, you have to do what's best for YOU. if that means getting some closure, not seeing him for a while so be it.

 

[iadoremac]

Sounds to me like your man wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to date other people this means he wants to move on and you should do the same and hanging with him and his family won't help you move on. I think you should give him space, plenty of it for him to figure out what he really wants.

 

[obscuria]

I think being friends with an ex is fine, I'm still great friends with most of my exes. However, my friendships with my exes were based on the knowledge that there was no way we were getting back together and it was going to strictly remain a friendship. It's awkward at first, definitely give each other your space, but over time it's easier. Some of my greatest friends today are guys I've dated in the past.

It really depends on the individuals involved and the motives for remaining friends that decide if it's a good idea or not. It might not be a great idea if you are still hoping for your romantic relationship to happen because it honestly might not happen, and then you're left with feelings for a person who isn't returning them. That will only lead to resentment.

Definitely let him have his space to figure things out and you should do the same. Don't jump into the friendship role right away. Regroup and then figure out if you genuinely just want to be his friend or if you're still hoping for him to come back to you. If it's the latter, you may just want to avoid the friendship thing as it may lead to unnecessary heartache. I know that isn't the easiest decision to make if that is the case, but sometimes they have to be made.

 

[cyanidewine]

I have to agree with re-grouping, every relationship is different, but from my experience, being friends right off the bat usually isn't a good idea, and some times dropping contact from each other for awhile is the best thing to do. Either way, it isn't going to be easy. But if you keep hanging out and talking while you have feelings for him, you're going to possibly feel jealous when you see him talking to other girls, or doing things that you used to do together. And trust me, I know exactly how you feel about having made so many friends through him, and you all can still be friends, it might be a little difficult being friends with his friends at first since he'll still talk to them but just try to keep it neutral, as long as things didn't end bad, they should be ok =]. Good luck <3

 

[Orchid_01]

thanks girls...ugh its soo hard. Im trying to hang out with my own friends and keep busy but he is always on my mind. Im not crying as much as I did yesterday and the day before that but its hard to not think about him.

 

[kaliraksha]

I think I've said it before but I hate break ups... especially ones like this. I remember my breakup when my bf said the exact same thing yours did... I cried myself to sleep for weeks. Here is what I wish I could have told me 6 years ago: take the time to take care of yourself and give into exploring your interests; give each other space because that is probably the best bet you have of becoming friends or dating again; you don't owe him anything at this point and it's a hard lesson but he doesn't owe you anything either; it is not you! I know exactly how you feel about wondering how you go from loving someone 10 minutes ago to not wanting to be with them... it is probably going to be tough on him too because he seems mixed up, and go with your gut instincts. Don't let your past relationship define you and shape your future try to tune into what you want... all this pain is temporary, I promise.

iadoremac made a good point, I think in my breakup I let my bf have his cake and eat it too. I was still so hung up on him or what went wrong or how I could get him back that I spent too much time worrying about him and not me. I was so stuck on what was still the same about our new friendship (in hopes to turn it back into a relationship) that it blinded me from seeing something I was just clearly denying and would have helped me move on.

I'm sorry, sweetie! You deserve someone who is grateful he has you.

 

[Orchid_01]

Thank you its so hard cause I want to see him so bad and when i text him my last words to him he just said "I hope you understand, to make this fair I need sometime" and that was it so I just want to say soooo many things to him, not about getting back with him but just to say how I feel about this situation and I just get the same answers. I just deleted his phonenumber so I dont feel tempted to call or text. Im going to try my best to be as strong as possible.

 

[abbyquack]

I will echo what a lot of girls are saying- I think you really need to be like "ok, go, have a good life" and show him that you will be O.K. without him. Once he realizes that, and that you have tons going for you, he will be coming back. It's crazy but it generally works. And if it doesn't, well, you will still be O.K. It might hurt and suck for a while but you will still be O.K. But seriously once guys start to think that you can have a successful life without them, they realize they want to be with you- and you can make the call whether you want to be with them.

 

[sassyboo]

I agree with everyone else. The more you try to hold on to a guy that doesn't want to be held onto-the more they pull away. It totally sucks...I completely get that. There may be more to the story than he is telling you, then again it may be completely face value. Either way, take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Hugs honey...I hope it gets easier!

 

[LMD84]

this is a very shitty situation hun. but i do feel that buy going off on your own for a while with your own friends will be good for you

you might discover new interests and meet new people which is always good. just try and stay busy to distract yourself. i think that it is very hard to stay friends with an ex at the beggining of a break up. feelings are still there and it can be very upsetting and confusing. so by being away from him you are actually having the distance to get over him.

perhaps in a few months or even a year you can be friends again, but for now try and stay away

 

[Orchid_01]

Thanks everybody...I talked to him last night we were talking about this whole break up and he was saying that its hard for him because he has to hurt someone to get what he wants he said i was a great gf and that I was really good to him but he feels that he wasnt a great bf and thinks that he needs to work on himself before he can get into a relationship. He was saying that I should be single too and enjoy the college life. I've always been in relationships and before I got with him I just broken up with my ex of almost 4 years because I wanted the same thing but then I ended up getting with my recent bf. Now that I think of it I think it would be best even though I want him back so bad...I got to have time to myself.

But yes Im just going to stay away for awhile not see him and talk to him. Its going to be hard but hopefully things will all become clear to me and move on...

 

[buddleia]

Just take it one day at a time! And no matter how painful this is, it sounds you and him are going to learn a lot from this whole experience. Small comfort right now, I know, but you are going to emerge stronger from this. One day at at a time.

 

[kaliraksha]

I'm glad you're doing well! Look for the positive, when I went through my break up I grew so much closer to my family and friends. It's really the perfect time to lean on them, spend time with them and yourself! I developed interests that I didn't have time for in a relationship... and the girls above are right...there is something about being happy with yourself and your life that makes past lovers attracted to you like a magnet. I know when I was finally doing fine with my breakup and happier is when my bf came crawling back. Sigh, men.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk or rant =)

 

[sassyboo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha I'm glad you're doing well! Look for the positive, when I went through my break up I grew so much closer to my family and friends. It's really the perfect time to lean on them, spend time with them and yourself! I developed interests that I didn't have time for in a relationship... and the girls above are right...there is something about being happy with yourself and your life that makes past lovers attracted to you like a magnet. I know when I was finally doing fine with my breakup and happier is when my bf came crawling back. Sigh, men. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk or rant =)

BRAVO! I completely agree!

 

[Orchid_01]

Re: My bf broke up with me (UPDATE)

So its been almost a month since our break up and we have been talking to each other a lot lately just within the past week and we also hung out like almost everyday. We are suppose to be "friends" but I felt like we are still together. Everytime we saw eachother we had sex and we did sleep together and cuddle we went out together with his friends and family. So I decided to call him today and ask him how he felt about me...he didnt say much but told me that he still cares for me and wants me to be in his life BUT he doesnt want a to be in a relationship. And then I told him that I felt like a fool for hanging around him, his friends, and family because we arent even together. And told him im just setting myself up.

So I just asked him what went wrong in our relationship and what was wrong with being in a relationship. And in return he said that he didnt want to have to answer to anybody and wanted to do his own thing...And I told him that we still could have done our own thing when we were together and that he didnt always have to invite me to all his friends and family events. And in return he said that he felt that he had to invite me everywhere because I was his gf. Then into our convo he said that he wants to remain friends for this school semester which is like 4-5 months and see what happens from there on.

So IDK I guess being in a committed relationship was too hard for him but IDK what to do now. He just ordered some expensive clippers for our dog, he bought me a purse which he said he felt bad for doing that...so now I feel like he should just return those clippers and I feel like I should return this purse he just bought me. What should I do? I was thinking of doing the No Contact rule and just disappear. Any suggestions?? Ugh I totally screwed up lol I do want him back but it wont be any time soon I feel like Im just prolonging the break up.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Re: My bf broke up with me (UPDATE)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchid_01 So its been almost a month since our break up and we have been talking to each other a lot lately just within the past week and we also hung out like almost everyday. We are suppose to be "friends" but I felt like we are still together. Everytime we saw eachother we had sex and we did sleep together and cuddle we went out together with his friends and family. So I decided to call him today and ask him how he felt about me...he didnt say much but told me that he still cares for me and wants me to be in his life BUT he doesnt want a to be in a relationship. And then I told him that I felt like a fool for hanging around him, his friends, and family because we arent even together. And told him im just setting myself up. So I just asked him what went wrong in our relationship and what was wrong with being in a relationship. And in return he said that he didnt want to have to answer to anybody and wanted to do his own thing...And I told him that we still could have done our own thing when we were together and that he didnt always have to invite me to all his friends and family events. And in return he said that he felt that he had to invite me everywhere because I was his gf. Then into our convo he said that he wants to remain friends for this school semester which is like 4-5 months and see what happens from there on. So IDK I guess being in a committed relationship was too hard for him but IDK what to do now. He just ordered some expensive clippers for our dog, he bought me a purse which he said he felt bad for doing that...so now I feel like he should just return those clippers and I feel like I should return this purse he just bought me. What should I do? I was thinking of doing the No Contact rule and just disappear. Any suggestions?? Ugh I totally screwed up lol I do want him back but it wont be any time soon I feel like Im just prolonging the break up.

I've been there, done that. If I were you, I would try the no contact for awhile and see what happens. Either he will miss you and decide he wants to be back together, or you will see what it's like not to be with him & like it better! My ex of 6 years played this game with me... he "loved me", wanted to be together, just "not right now"... we'd still hang out, everything was like when we were together, except the title. I finally realized that he was just keeping me on the side unless something better came along. I wanted to get over it (because it was so unfair to me), and I told him not to contact me & that if I wanted to talk, I'd contact him. In the months that followed, I had time to really look at things & see how screwed up they were. Naturally, he wanted me back (broke the no contact too), but by that point, I'd already made up my mind. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[Orchid_01]

Ugh men are so confused and confusing...

 

[martiangurll]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchid_01 So its been almost a month since our break up and we have been talking to each other a lot lately just within the past week and we also hung out like almost everyday. We are suppose to be "friends" but I felt like we are still together. Everytime we saw eachother we had sex and we did sleep together and cuddle we went out together with his friends and family. So I decided to call him today and ask him how he felt about me...he didnt say much but told me that he still cares for me and wants me to be in his life BUT he doesnt want a to be in a relationship. And then I told him that I felt like a fool for hanging around him, his friends, and family because we arent even together. And told him im just setting myself up. So I just asked him what went wrong in our relationship and what was wrong with being in a relationship. And in return he said that he didnt want to have to answer to anybody and wanted to do his own thing...And I told him that we still could have done our own thing when we were together and that he didnt always have to invite me to all his friends and family events. And in return he said that he felt that he had to invite me everywhere because I was his gf. Then into our convo he said that he wants to remain friends for this school semester which is like 4-5 months and see what happens from there on. So IDK I guess being in a committed relationship was too hard for him but IDK what to do now. He just ordered some expensive clippers for our dog, he bought me a purse which he said he felt bad for doing that...so now I feel like he should just return those clippers and I feel like I should return this purse he just bought me. What should I do? I was thinking of doing the No Contact rule and just disappear. Any suggestions?? Ugh I totally screwed up lol I do want him back but it wont be any time soon I feel like Im just prolonging the break up.

This is why i would not have any contact with him. He is getting all of the "Benefits" and none of the commitment or responsibility. You are into him more than he is into you and he is using the fact. This is why I would not be "Friends". I have got a better idea--"Let's be enemies!" If he wants to break up with you, that is his choice, but don't reward him for it! He is a PIG who wants to fuzzuk other women! Get mad girl! He is not gonna come back to you as your boyfriend if you keep doing this. You either have to give up on him if you want a serious relationship and don't want to keep going thru this heartache or resign yourself to the fact that he is using you. And he will be "comparison shopping" for the girl who will be your replacement.

If you break things off completely, he will either lose interest or figure out what he has lost. Chances are, he will be gone, but at least you won't be going thru this wondering phase. I have been here. He does not or will not respect you if you allow this to continue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchid_01 Ugh men are so confused and confusing...

This isn't confusing to me. Why be in a committed relationship when your exgirlfriend is willing to have sex with you. Now he can "shop around" and if he strikes out, he already has someone devoted who is waiting at "home" for him and will help build up his ego if he doesn't score.

Sorry, been there done that. There are men/guys your age who want a relationship. This guy is not one of them. He is basically telling you he wants to have sex with you and fuzzuk other women. I personally would not put myself thru that torture, but to each her own...

 

[Shimmer]

This guy wants to fuck other women, and keep you around as a guaranteed piece of ass.
Sorry for the vastly crude way of putting this, but he's not too concerned about your feelings. It's all about him. He wants other chicks, but he doesn't want to be a direct douchebag and tell you that. He'd rather be an indirect douchebag.