My bf doesn't really support my career

[MisStarrlight]

I have a music video shoot in the city tomorrow morning (at 4:30am) and my boyfriend is not too thrilled about it.

We do have plans for the day, so I think most of his concerns are centered around that...but since the shoot is so early, I should be done well in time to go to dinner & a movie.

I guess what really concerns me is that every time I have a shoot he gets all paranoid. I understand that he's concerned that I will end up having a creep photographer, but it's not like I'm the only person on set...and it's not like I'm small & weak & can't take care of myself.
It's like, I get the third degree every time I tell him that I have to work. First is "how much are you getting paid?" and then "who is it?" "do you know him/her?" "how did you meet" and then I have to give him a minute by minute update-calling him when I get there, when I start working, when I leave, etc, etc.

It's just frustrating and I feel like it's another example of how he doesn't trust me...like, he's even started to question my weddings (which I in return tell him to eff-off because they pay a ton), but it is much harder to justify a little/no paying gig in the city w/ people I have never met before.

 

[MsCuppyCakes]

What's your profession?

 

[MisStarrlight]

Makeup artist...a lot of long (and odd) hours, short notice for gigs & at the point I am at, very little $.

 

[MsCuppyCakes]

Well, I assume you are building your portfolio, gaining experience, etc. Because this is something you want to do. I'm also assuming your boyfriend knows this. Have (another) talk with him and let him know how important this is to you and your career.

 

[Beauty Mark]

It sounds like he suspects you're cheating... does he have reason to suspect that (ie. have you cheated on him or another SO before)?

I would tell him that you're an adult, can take care of yourself, etc. If it makes him feel better, you'll leave the address, name, and info like that with him; it's safer to do that, anyway. Tell him you can't call him constantly, because it's unprofessional and takes too much time.

I would then show him success stories of people who are MUAs and how they had to work like you are to get where they are. Perhaps it'll help him understand what you're doing.

 

[Misshopeful24]

Its like beauty mark says he must suspect your cheating or something. I don't know the situation between both of you but, It could also be hes worried because we hear of so many odd things that could happen, or he feels you could be better off doing something else. I guess what you should do is just sit down and talk it out, the reason why your doing what you do and how you feel about his behaviour. Giving him the address and any other info needed to know should be able to help as well. Lets hope you both are able to fess up with each other.

 

[Moppit]

He sounds very insecure and jealous.

It is your career and you obviously enjoy it so he should support you.

 

[Miss Pumpkin]

Maybe you should ask him if he wants to go with you, then he'll see that your job is just you doing makeup and there's nothing dodgy going on or anything.

I've had my boyfriend with me in a shoot, he supports my career but he still liked the idea of coming over and being noisey, haha.

Talk to him and tell him how important this is for you. If he truly loves you he should understand.

 

[jenii]

Forgive me, but he sounds really possessive/controlling. Tell him your career is important to you, that you're trying to do what you love, and that you need to build up your portfolio in order to get better jobs in the future.

If he doesn't get it, or doesn't care and is just concerned about what HE wants you to do... Then just go. Go do your job, and he'll just have to get over it.

 

[ette]

Yeah, in the business we are in, a lot of SO's get jealous. It's understandable, because as you get more successful, they feel like you are leaving them behind. My boyfriend has been supportive of me, but I don't really think he understands much about the business so maybe that's why. I think maybe once you could just have him meet some other people you work with and havve him realize that they are just trying to make a living, too.

 

[TangoMango]

He sounds insecure. My ex was the same way when I was volunteering at a local radio station and he actually said to me 'I bet there is some guy there that you like.'

Tell him your career is something that you have dreamed for and he has no right disapproving of it.

I don't know what else to tell you, because I don't know what goes on, but if he is insecure like my ex was, there's nothing to do or say to change his mind. Hopefully he's not like my ex though.

 

[silverbelle282]

yeah i agree with all of the other people who have commented. at best, this is a VERY innappropriate response to your significant other pursuing their career path. at worst he seems as though (and i do not know the whole story) he is jealous/insecure/controlling. there is no reason to make YOU feel like garbage for doing what you have to do. nay, what you WANT to do with your life!!!

on the other issue which may or may not even be an issue, i have had SO's do things to me in the past to make me lose their trust, and i understand that feeling of wanting total control over situations where my SO is in contact with . . .oh i don't know . . .anyone with a vagina? yeah. BUT, the bottom line is this path is NOT a healthy way of attempting to rebuild a relationship which has gone through that, regardless of the past.


he better come correct.

 

[*Luna*]

Awww girlie, I'm sorry! Maybe you should have him drop you off or something... walk in with you and help you carry your kit, meet the crew real fast so he sees where your going, who the people are and all that and maybe it will make him more comfortable. He should know how important this is to you. You are in a city where it's VERY hard to get work because there are so many MUA's competing for gigs, you have to take what is offered and run with it... no looking back. I hope he lightens up a bit!!!

 

[jenii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Luna* Maybe you should have him drop you off or something... walk in with you and help you carry your kit, meet the crew real fast so he sees where your going, who the people are and all that and maybe it will make him more comfortable.

The only thing I'd worry about (although it is a good idea) is how that would look. Having her walk in, and have her boyfriend basically inspect the situation and stuff. If I were a photographer, that would strike me as being really unprofessional, and I'd wonder why that MUA needs her boyfriend to bring her to the job and meet everyone before she gets to work.

IDK, maybe photographers don't care.

 

[MisStarrlight]

Thanks for your input guys.

Yes, he is pretty controlling & insecure. Part of that stems from the fact that I did do some bad stuff earlier in the relationship. But that was well over a year and a half ago & I've been patient with it for so long that now I'm to the point where he either needs to get over it & move on or kick me out. I am so not one to be controlled.

I always leave the address where I am. I am paranoid & live in NYC so I understand safety...and he has come to a few gigs with me...Well, the last fashion show I keyed I let him come to the show & I let him meet me at a shoot (with a photographer I've worked with a bunch), but honestly, I don't go to inspect his job so I don't want him staring me down at mine. I don't feel like it's professional. I hate when models bring friends (I understand some circumstances with that though)...they just end up being a distraction & the work never really comes to its highest potential when you've got outside eyes who don't really understand the whole process.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I imagine money's tight, but have you tried couple's counseling? I think that might be a good solution. If you can't afford that, try having a talk with him again.

 

[kimmy]

if it has been such a long time since your last slip up, maybe it's time you have a talk with him about where you stand with him right now.

for some people, time can't fix the insecurity that infidelity triggers, and it sounds like he may be one of those people and that no matter how trustworthy you are now, and no matter how many times you have proven to him since then that things are different, he is still going to be suspicious and that isn't a healthy thing for you to be involved with.

your career is important, it's your livlihood...he needs to get with it or hit the road, imho. a relationship where one party is so controlling is not worth risking your dreams for.

 

[Katura]

I know the feeling...I'm into the whole modeling scene and all and my boyfriend was all weired about me going to shoots, he was all about 'who is it with, how much are the y paying oyu, if they arent you arent going, blah blah blah. And he always wanted to come and be there. I was fine with him coming as long as he didn't interfere and understood that it was a LONG process and once up in NJ (3ish hours away) he got tired and bored and started flipping out. I was not very happy and neither was the photog. I was working with, and now I no longer get any work with them after 1 other further incident.

I told him he neesd sto understand that it's something I enjoy doing, whether im getting paid or not.

He also isnt thrilled about me working for MAC. I told himI wanted to go fulltime and he immediatly told me 'do not quit your office job, you don't want to work retail like that. no retail jobs' I wasnt happy with how he stated that...and I'm still going to stand by my decision. But if you just let him ge this opinion in, he should feel better.

I don't know...its a tough situation.

 

[kuuipo1207]

My husband and I have had massive arguments about me wanting to do what I want to do compared to him wanting me to do something "practical". I'm a military wife so we're always on the move. It always seems like once I find a job, we have to up and move again and, once again, I'm stuck for another 6 mos looking for a job. I can understand where my husband is coming from with wanting me to get training in something "practical" like the medical field or something that has a high demand no matter where we move to, but at the same time, if I keep having to put my dreams on hold just to get training in something I don't even want to do in the first place, which keeps getting put on hold cause we keep having to move, then my dreams are never going to be reached. We argued about this many times, and we would just leave the situation unresolved. Eventually I grew more and more bitter every time I thought about him saying "as long as my paycheck is paying for your loans (which they weren't), I decide the major". At times, the argument would get so heated I was ready to leave him right then and there and live on the street-cause then at least I'd be able to do what I wanted to do and not hate someone else for it since the decision was my own.
What I'm getting at is that you have to stand up for what you believe in and for what your dreams are. Once you have those two things taken away from you, you will be the unhappiest person on the face of the planet, and will always wonder "what if". My husband and I have since then come to an agreement with the whole training/degree thing, and he realizes that he was in the wrong.
Further more, if your SO's still not trusting you after all this time, then that's something he has to work on. You've done your part in trying to make the relationship work with not doing whatever you did before. He can't throw that in your face forever and expect you to feel guilty for it when you haven't done anything wrong for the past year and a half. You're a grown adult and you are fully aware of your actions. On the same note, you're a grown adult that's not living with parents any more so who is he to treat you like a child by putting so much control over you? You should really sit down and talk with him about everything. Let him hear you out and you do the same with him. Chances are he still hasn't let go of the past, and until he does, neither of you will be completely happy.