Normal Husband Behavior?

[Meisje]

So essentially, he's been involved with this girl for some time. If you're having a bad night for whatever reason, his place is by your side, making you feel better --- not cuddling with another woman until the wee hours of the morning. And having naked pictures of a mutual acquaintance is totally unacceptable, especially when he's denied any sexual involvement. If an acquaintance of mine sent naked photos to my husband, I would expect him to simply tell me about it. We don't know if your mate solicited the photos or not, but we do know he exchanged contact information with her behind your back and communicated with her inappropriately. And keeping the photos as well as keeping them a secret is just plain wrong.

He sounds like he's a bloody mess and in no state to conduct an adult relationship.

That girl sounds like the type who goes after attached men, by the way. It's always the most upsetting when someone you've let into your personal space betrays you like that.

 

[LMD84]

i'm sorry that this has all happened.

but yes i think perhaps this is the final thing you needed to push you to close the door on him. file for a divorse - you dont need him in your life anymore. he has treated you like crap, made you doubt yourself and has generally done nothing positive for you. plus i'd be raging at the girl too - she must have known exactly what she was doing was innapropriate.

i'm just sorry you have to go through this pain to become even stronger.

 

[abbyquack]

Thank you all for your support, I feel really comforted that even though none of you even know me, you are still so kind and supportive!

Even though I am still sad about missing the cruise (it is snowing here right now, to think I could be on the beach right now is depressing haha!), I do think it was the right choice. I didn't want to ruin the cruise for everyone else. I do hope he has a good time, although he has already texted me to apologize for me missing it, and I am sure he will feel my absence the entire time. At least I hope so, haha.

I do agree he needs a lot of work- he is so threatened by women, worried that they will over power him and control his life, which is a concern he has had from growing up in a very dysfunctional home. It is sad that he allows himself to believe the lies his father told him (his dad sat him down 2 days before we got married and told him that marriage was a sham and that women will dominate you and you will wake up 20 years later to find you had been controlled. Then 2 weeks after that, the dad divorced his wife of 40 years and left her for a 26 year old girl, he was 70, lol). Anyways I thought maybe we had worked most of those issues out in past counseling situations, but it looks like the issues are clearly still there. And obviously he needs validation from other women to make himself feel better.

If we do get back together, I doubt it would be for a few more years. He has too many issues to work out. I don't want to keep allowing him to come back. Last time, he had promised with all of his heart that he had changed and would never leave me again. I truly believed him, and allowed myself to trust him. It lasted a week before he went after this girl! So, I have lost all trust, and that will not come back for a long time.

Anyways, thanks again for your comfort, it may be insignificant to you, but to me, every bit helps! Thank you

 

[User38]

Abby,

I commend you for your valor.. I don't know how I would react if I had this situation. I am sorry this has happened to you.

I can only be a virtual ear for you to vent and give you my feedback and support: throw him out fast and live your life -- it is way too short to lose on people who don't give love back.

ISa

 

[roLLerGrrL]

Just remember that none of this is your fault. He is totally to blame. He needs to work on his issues on his own. You really tried. As for this girl, well that's another kettle of fish.

From the outside looking in (from your posts) I think you should cut ties. He's going to waste your time. He might come back to you and maybe even genuinely try (again), but he will fall back. There will be a vicious cycle that you don't need or want. It seems like you have a great support system, so you need to get on with your life.

 

[kiss]

Big hugs to you!!!

Reading your post has even made me angry at your husband. If I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my bf under the same blanket with some girl, I would have raised up a storm or a tornado.

Like others have said, it's nothing you did, it's the way he is. If he truly was sorry or cared what he did to you, he would have skipped the cruise too and have stayed with you. It's hard giving advice to someone you don't really know but the fact that he keeps saying he doesn't want to be with you is a HUGE red flag. If everytime he will get bored or depressed or moody, he'll be " I don't want to be with you, let's seperate" so he can go have flings with other women and then come back...who needs a man like that? You deserve better! If I were you, I would move on and once you pull through the hard grieving period, you will realize how he wasn't worth all the emotional pain you went through and how you could have wasted your whole life with the wrong person.

His dad sounds messed up but he is no excuse for your husband acting this way.

 

[jenii]

Even if he hadn't been cheating, the behavior you described in the first post was unacceptable. Yeah, it's normal for a married person to go out and have some drinks occasionally, to blow off steam. Staying out until 2am, and doing so on more than one occasion, is not normal. And having an inappropriately intimate "friendship" with another girl is so beyond unacceptable. I can't believe he tried to keep lying, even after you found the nude pics of her. He acts like that, and has the nerve to accuse you of not meeting expectations? What a pathetic, immature louse this guy is.

Once the initial hurting subsides, you'll be so much better without someone like that in your life. He'll probably never grow into the man you deserve, so just learn whatever you can from all of this, then move on. If you don't have kids together, I highly recommend severing ties with him, even if it's just a year to give yourself some distance and time to adjust. I speak from experience, the process is less stressful when your ex can't be seen or heard. Get all of his stuff together now, while he's gone, and put it in boxes. Text your ex and tell him what day and time you'll be putting his boxes on the porch. Put them out a half hour before the stated time, and either leave the house for a few hours, or put on some headphones so you can't hear him if he knocks on the door.

I know that sounds like an impersonal thing to do, but after all the cruelty he's shown, why should he receive kindness?

Okay, weird stranger girl is finished now. You take care.

 

[jenii]

I agree, kiss. No matter how you grew up, once you're an adult you're accountable for the way you treat people.

Quote: Originally Posted by kiss His dad sounds messed up but he is no excuse for your husband acting this way.

 

[hotti82]

well, it sounds like you've had quite a go of it, hey? i have to say, at the outset, that i would have been furious that he got a vacation out of this and you missed out. garbage! but i digress....

that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you something's up is there for a reason, most of the time. i'm sorry that this happenned to you; it sounds like you've had some troubles all along though and without dealing with what's going on underneath, it's really hard to move forward and have a happy relationship. the cheating, yes, i call having nudie pictures from someone else and secret texts with that person cheating, it shouldn't happen in a committed monogamous relationship, imo...that can't just be overlooked. you've been hurt and he would need to acknowledge that and make efforts to rebuild the trust that he broke, but more than that i think you'd need to seriously figure out what's caused the separations in the first place and determine if it's something you 2 can work on and fix. if not, best to get out and move on. no sense being married and miserable, right? but none of what i've just said means squat if he's not willing to really work on his marriage. you can't be the only one trying. i really do feel badly for you and i hope it works itself out one way or another...xoxo

 

[LorraineER]

What to do next is the big and most difficult question but the one thing I think you should not do, is get involved with him again in the future. It sounds like you were more than fair and he gave you more crap to deal with than anyone should have to handle. I've had some really bad relationships in my past ranging from guys who just weren't really nice or appreciative up to physical abuse. Now, I've been with the same guy for five years and I am finally happy. He shows me he loves me in every little thing he does. That's what you deserve too. After being with him I was like..how could I ever have even wondered whether the men in my past were good for me? How could I not see that they were manipulative and sometimes cruel, that they were messing with me and sneaking around or lying. I don't know how I ever thought they were worth my time and emotions. It sounds like you are in it too deep to see that what you've been putting up with isn't even close to OK.
I understand wondering if you are over-reacting or being unfair. I think that sometimes it's our partners that plant these seeds of doubt but the thing is... no woman wants to be the over-reacting, harping, bitchy girlfriend or wife so we try to make things seem not so bad and think that our doubts are unfounded. We need to listen to our gut instincts more often though.
I think it's good you didn't go on the cruise. You're too close to the whole situation and you're too emotionally raw. Being with him in a romantic setting could only mess with your head more. It's also really good that you have supportive friends to spend time with now. You also have us on Specktra- vent all you want and we'll be there!

I know you don't know me but I just wanted to say all that and let you know that there's another woman who's been through similar stuff here for you.

 

[abbyquack]

Thank you all again for your kind (and wise!) words. It has been even more complicated over the past few days, because after our cruise, we were supposed to go on a trip to London and Paris. But, he came back and said he didn't want to go to Europe with me, he "emotionally couldn't"- which kinda sucked because I have never traveled internationally alone. Anyways, I found out that the reason he "couldn't" is because he has a trip planned to Arizona to visit his 19 year old girlfriend! So, at that point, I quit playing nice and told him I wanted a divorce. I'm so over the bullshit, ya know? I was trying to repair our relationship at any cost, but I can't settle for half a man, or half the treatment I deserve, not like his insecure little girlfriend can. And I'm so sick of the lies! Telling me he just couldn't bear to go because he didn't know how it would be, when in actuality he had already bought his ticket to see her!

Luckily, my father is going to come with me to London, and I will meet up with my sisters and mom in Paris, so it will all work out on that end. I realize at the end that blood is thicker than water, and though husbands may come and go, family will always be there

 

[Corvs Queen]

I am so glad that you are showing him who's the boss of you. Gah! What an asshat. This guy really is in a league of his own. I am so happy that you are starting over and that you are on the right path of doing what is best for you. And it's so true about blood is thicker than water and I am so happy that you have such and amazing, supportive, understanding family. That's priceless. I hope you find happiness and I hope that this turns out to be one of the best things to happen to you in your life. Congrats for taking control of your destiny and for putting that jerk in his place. I applaud you.

 

[kaliraksha]

Wise words, abbyquack! Glad you sent him packing! I hope you have a wonderful trip.

 

[wittynickname]

Yowza. I read the first post and thought there was something strange about his behavior. Many cheating men withdraw, as they're feeling guilt or shame. But at least you found out he has something on the side. Good riddance to him.

 

[LorraineER]

That's great that you are going on the trip anyways & with your family.You deserve it after dealing with his ass-hattery.
That's got to be the best way to start moving on- go jetting off to a fabulous European vacation!

 

[Camnagem]

Your Ex-to-be is a total shithead! Sorry.

I'm so glad you've decided to move on without him. You deserve so much better, and I know you'll find it. Have a fantastic time with the family!

 

[Lauren1981]

well first off i would NOT give this man the benefit of the doubt by blaming the depo shot on why he pulled away from you. that's not your fault. he just basically used that as an excuse and ran with it. it honestly sounds like he would have started acting that way regardless. what man just decides to not hang around his wife anymore because of the way her depo shot was making her feel.
it wasn't you, it's him.
sounds like he's doing him and that's all he's concerned with. also it sounds like he was confused about getting back with you. it doesn't sound like he was sure that's what he really wanted because not long after you get back together he's doing this bullsh*t.
sounds like you should do yourself a favor and kick him to the curb. it was very selfish and unfair of him to talk all the bullsh*t to you about being together again when it's obvious he wasn't sure about it to begin with.
plus you said something that kind of rubbed me the wrong way (about him). you said he wasn't happy with you because you weren't living up to his "expectations". wtf?! well then why the hell did he marry you in the first place? you don't get involved with someone, marry them, and then tell them they don't live up to your expectations. you marry someone because you like/love who they are, not so you can change them into what you want them to be.
you sound like you're better off without him. he's playing games big time and is an @$$hole for not being upfront but now the ball is in your court.
kick him to the curb and be happy