Normal Husband Behavior?

[abbyquack]

Ok to preface, my husband and I separated for 2 months up until about 3 weeks ago...HE was the one that wanted to separate, as well as the one that wanted to get back together. I learned a lot about myself through the separation, and while I knew that whatever happened, I would be okay, I did feel it was "best" to work things out with my husband. I'd already signed a lease with 2 other girl friends, but luckily my room is a studio of sorts, sharing only a kitchen with my friends. So, I have allowed my husband to live with me, as he promised that he'd never not want to be with me ever again (after a very hot n' cold relationship of 4 years where he has basically told me many times that I was not living up to his expectations, he was not happy ,he loved me but didn't know if he was in love with me, etc).

Well...The first week back together (plus a couple weeks of phone relationship) was amazing, he was so genuine and I really felt he had changed. I looked forward to this new leaf.

But, about a week into it, I went to my doctor to get the Depo shot which I had been off of for about 3 months, and I got it so he didn't have to feel the discomfort of condoms. Well, it made me VERY crazy for about a week, in which I was a massive wreck. I think it caused him to pull away a little because I was just so emotional and angry, but I tried convincing him that it was just the shot, and he was patient but since then, he has not been as interested in me. I have "stabilized", so I am not crazy anymore, but he is just not himself. He doesn't ask for sex (I ask and he is ok but not eager), he is nice but does not go out of his way to show me that I am important. It is now 3am and he is still out with his friends, not returning my calls, and he did this last week where he hung out with my roommate and her visiting friend until 4am, until I finally intervened by going upstairs and joining the convo so he would come back to our place. I had even sent him a text earlier in the evening and he ignored it, even though his phone was obviously by his side.

Ok...so, am I being messed around? I feel like yes, I am, and if so, I won't tolerate it. But i need others' opinions because I don't want to be an overreacter. I called him almost 2 hours ago to ask that he come home (bc it was almost 2am) and he replied that he would come home in a bit. But it is now 2 hours later and I have tried calling with no response. I'm so bugged that my HUSBAND would act like a juvenile and not respond to his wife, am I wrong? I mean at least respond to your wife's calls, no?

Anyways am I missing a totally obvious sign? What do you think, am I overreacting?

 

[iadoremac]

it is not normal husband behaviour it is not even normal bf behaviour I think you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel

 

[bellaboomboom]

it is not normal husband behaviour it is not even normal bf behaviour I think you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel

I totally agree. It is NOT normal husband behavior. He needs to respect you. Don't settle for anything less.

 

[bellaboomboom]

And let me add - how dare he not call you back!!!! GRRRR! Reminds me of my ex husband. You deserve better.

 

[m4dswine]

It is not normal behaviour, and honestly - yes you are being screwed around. My ex husband did this to me and I found out after I had had enough that it was because he was screwing around behind my back.

 

[Meisje]

It seems to me like he's trying to make you feel insecure in the relationship and frighten you into thinking he's cheating, the implication being that you'd need to work harder to keep him. Manipulators will try to keep you off balance so that you feel like you're not satisfying them --- that way you'll be too worried what he thinks of you to ask for anything in the relationship and he can do what he pleases. It's a rotten dynamic. Don't let him get away with it.

Blowing you off to party with other women is not normal mate behaviour, and being out late at night and ignoring your texts is downright mean.

If I were you, I'd wait until you're both calm, then talk about it. Don't let the conversation get away from the immediate topic of discussion, which I guess is "Staying out like that is not acceptable to me" leading into "Is this going to be a healthy, loving relationship or should we call it quits for good." Avoid bringing up old fights as ammunition, and if he gets off on a tangent complaining about things that are not related to the discussion, guide him back. Remember that the crux of it is what you want and what he wants. It's fine if he's still upset that you did something three years ago that made him mad, but that's not the topic at hand and don't let it stray into an insult match.

If one week of bad times is going to make him act like a selfish little boy, then he's not mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

[bellaboomboom]

It is not normal behaviour, and honestly - yes you are being screwed around. My ex husband did this to me and I found out after I had had enough that it was because he was screwing around behind my back.

Mine was too.

 

[kaliraksha]

I wouldn't conclude that you're being messed around on, but this is definitely not normal or in my book acceptable serious significant other behavior. Was he like this before the break? Staying out late and not coming home when he said he would? Maybe the 2 months of break and some freedom have really gone to his head and habits about how to treat and respect someone else in a relationship. Personally, if my bf is being safe I don't care when he's coming home, but I don't want to worry and wait on someone at a certain time when they're not coming then.

From what I gather, it seems like he doesn't really know what he wants, it almost sounds like he felt like you were keeping him from being happy. I don't even know if he knows how to make himself happy. My fear is that he's not done figuring it out and it might really be something that is easier to do alone, but possible to do in a relationship.

 

[LMD84]

I wouldn't conclude that you're being messed around on, but this is definitely not normal or in my book acceptable serious significant other behavior. Was he like this before the break? Staying out late and not coming home when he said he would? Maybe the 2 months of break and some freedom have really gone to his head and habits about how to treat and respect someone else in a relationship. Personally, if my bf is being safe I don't care when he's coming home, but I don't want to worry and wait on someone at a certain time when they're not coming then.

From what I gather, it seems like he doesn't really know what he wants, it almost sounds like he felt like you were keeping him from being happy. I don't even know if he knows how to make himself happy. My fear is that he's not done figuring it out and it might really be something that is easier to do alone, but possible to do in a relationship.

i agree. it's hard to see if he is messing you around just yet - but his actions are something i personally wouldn't accept. and i think that perhaps you are also correct in saying that he doesn't know wat e wants either. he is acting like i used to at uni - staying out until goodness knows when, but perhaps this isnt making him as happy as he thought, hence why he came back to you.

 

[Meisje]

Whether he's cheating or not, his behaviour makes it clear that he either wants you to think he's cheating or doesn't care if you think he's cheating. Telling you he's coming home and then bailing and not responding to your calls is a passive-aggressive way to hurt you, and that's what's is most bothersome; this behaviour's purpose is to upset and hurt you. No man who's ever been in a relationship actually thinks it's okay to ignore calls and ditch on you when he's supposed to be coming home, no matter what his "reasons" are.

You should definitely talk to him, but make sure it's a calm discussion.

 

[Paint&Ink Chick]

Ugh.... I think you guys probably need to sit down and have a nice long convo.I agree with Meisje as well, but he shouldn't have ignored you even if he's with friends your his frickin wife and deserve respect and some compassion. Maybe he just needed some space that night,but I guess if you guys can't work it out or talk things out and since your did have a seperation you should maybe go your own ways. After all you can do bad all my yourself and there's ultimately someone out there more worthy of you HTH

 

[m4dswine]

As Meisje said, it's manipulative behaviour, and is in fact a form of abuse.

 

[abbyquack]

Thanks ladies, for your thoughts and encouragement. I have caught him in a handful of small lies lately, but I haven't actually confronted about most of them, because to be honest, I am so sick of always trying to talk to him and not getting through. They're always compulsive white lies, but I have no idea why he feels he needs to lie. We definitely need to work on our communication, that's definitely always been a big problem with us. Anyways I've decided that if he is doing something behind my back, I will find out soon enough, it always comes out-- my plot is to "kill him with kindness" and see if it doesn't make him feel guilty, or at least give me more time to find solid facts, not just my mind running wild.

 

[imthebeesknees]

Talking to him about it should be able to show if he is hiding something or not..BUT it is never cool for a husband/boyfriend to not answer the phone...way too sketchy!!

 

[paperfishies]

What I've learned...ALWAYS trust that gut feeling. People who lie have something to hide. A white lie here and a white lie there add up very fast.

My advice, make a note of the times he doesn't return your calls/answer your texts. Then compare those times with his phone bill. The number that is on there the most, especially a number that shows up when you aren't around...Call it, find out who it is. If it's a girl, you have your answer.

Bottom line, this isn't normal husband/boyfriend/significant other behavior. People who are committed to another don't act this way. I know what you're going through is pretty much torture, I wish you luck and I hope things work out the way you want them to.

 

[Camnagem]

Normal or not, it's totally unacceptable behavior from a spouse. Is he cheating? Maybe, maybe not...some men are just a mess for other random reasons.

First, you're a sweetheart! I think you should let go of some of the blame you placed on yourself with the hormonal/emotional reaction you had to the shot. It's not your fault he's acting how he is, and he'd probably be pulling the same crap had you not gotten the shot. This is not your fault!

He seems confused to me about what he wants and the little lies sure hint that he's hiding something. I think your best bet is to talk to him when you're both calm and let it all out. Maybe you guys have different expectations of how things are supposed to be now, or maybe he's just being an oblivious ass. Either way, starting to talk about it lets him know something about the relationship isn't working for you, and maybe he can start to fix it.

I sincerely hope things work out how you want them too, and please take care of yourself!

 

[abbyquack]

Wow you guys I have MAJOR update, and it looks like all my suspicions were correct, even WORSE than I imagined.

So, I didn't mention this, but one of my roommates had a friend visit a couple weeks ago- this visitor, who we'll call "Erin", was a mutual acquaintance of my roommate and me, I'd worked distantly with the girl in the summer, and been very generous to her such as inviting her into my house on several occasions, doing her makeup for her, etc. Anyways, she came to visit, and apparently, some time in that visit, my husband and her hit it off. Mind you, this is also when I was still reeling from the after effects from the shot.

There were at least 2 occasions during that visit that really disturbed me, such as one night when he stayed up until 4 am with her and one of my roommates, talking and drinking. That was one of my worst nights emotionally on that pill, so it stands to reason this is the night Erin and he clicked. Another night, I woke up at 2:30 am to find that my husband was not in bed. I went upstairs and he was on the couch under the same blanket as Erin, watching tv. It was very upsetting but I tried not to get mad bc I just didn't want to overreact if it was nothing.

Well, over the past couple weeks, my husband has been acting, as I mentioned, totally unusual. He hides his phone from me (even sleeps with it by his side!), disappears many nights on "walks" (never done that before), I've caught him in several lies, caught him talking on the phone to this girl and when he saw me, he'd hurry and hang up,etc. I knew something was up, but again I didn't have physical proof. So, we started going back to our counselor, and after one session, things seemed great. We had a good couple of awesome days where he treated me very sweetly and I started trying to trust him, thinking it was just my imagination running away with me.

Well, then, Friday night, the night before we were supposed to leave on a Carribbean cruise (!!!), he disappeared from the house on one of his "walks". He had 2 friends over, and everyone was asking me where he went. After an hour, I decided I was going to rule out the possibility that he was talking to this girl, so I checked our phone records online, and sure enough, he had been talking to her 2 times a day! I charged outside, and asked him why he talked to her so much, and he said, "because she's my friend" and acting like it was no big deal. He assured me that there was nothing inappropriate going on. I told him to stop talking to her, and he replied "Done". But, at the same time, he basically said he didn't want to be with me (AGAIN! How many times in 3 years have I heard that one), and that he basically wanted to separate. It sucked that we had a cruise the next day, but I was still going to go, until...

...I went into our room a few minutes later, and he had left his phone, and a text popped up from Erin, saying something how "terrible" she felt about everything- presumably he had called her or something and told her about me knowing. I kept looking through his phone, and although he had deleted his phone records and stuff, in his email, I found NUDE photos of her, and pics of her in her sexy lingerie- so "sexts" basically. I felt so freaking sick! Especially that my fears were true, and I wasn't crazy. He still tried claiming that nothing was inappropriate, and was like "well, tell me how I did anything, did you see me doing anything" and I was like, it doesn't matter, you deleted everything else. But I don't know how he can think that's ok? Hello, denial! I mean, the girl isn't gonna send the pics unwarranted, to his personal email address, unless she believed there was interest. But even in our 3 years of marriage I have only sent him those types of things once or twice, they've known each other for 2 weeks and already she's baring it all for this guy? She's 19 too! My husband is 27! I dated older guys when I was that young, but does he really think he's upgrading by going for a 19 year old???

Anyways, needless to say, I couldn't bear to go on the cruise- it was just too fresh, and we would be sharing a cabin with his sister and bil, and I couldn't take all that baggage into such a confined place. I felt sick the next day when I missed the flight, and even now wonder if I made the right choice- my friends agree that I shouldn't have gone, but still, I just feel horribly about throwing my plane ticket away like that.

Over the past couple days, I have been with some very supportive friends who have let me cry as much as I want and talk about this drama. They are PISSED at the girl who they thought was a friend (can't believe I let her into my home so many times and she repays me with this! And my husband, he is no better! He made me take pics of him in his Halloween costume, and I found out later that they were for him to send to her! Disgusting really!). But yea, I am surrounded by good people, it just really really blows! I have no idea what to do next...

 

[Corvs Queen]

So sorry that you are going through all of this. I say file for Divorce and don't look back. He's got issues and he's no good. You don't need that. You will be so much better off without him. Scumbag! I am so sorry. (((HUGS))) And I do believe that you did the right thing about not going on the cruise. It would have been awkward and things would have gotten heated for sure. Surround yourself with family and friends and sleep knowing that you did nothing wrong. This will bite him in the ass in the end. Things that start like this never end up working out.

 

[kaliraksha]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! That's kind of ridiculous, doesn't seem like he knows himself too well to have come begging for you back then do this. He has a lot of work left to do on his own. I hope you know how much we care about you here and are here for you. Go back to what makes you happy. Keep smiling and realize you truly are better off. You are still young and have a full life ahead of you with people who truly appreciate you.

 

[Camnagem]

I am so sorry that your suspicions were true. At least you can take one positive from all of this, and that's finally knowing.

I think you made the right choice about the cruise. It sounds like you have some thinking to do about where you go from here, and taking some "you" time to sort this all out is a great first step. You're faced with things no woman ever wants to deal with, and I think making yourself priority number 1 is incredibly important. He clearly has no idea what he wants from one minute to the next, so take the power away from him. It's time for you to take charge. Take all the time you need to figure out what you want for yourself, and make that happen. If the 2 of you split for good, it'll certainly be his loss and your gain. You deserve better, and he deserves a kick in the junk.

Stay strong, and know we're here for you if you need a shoulder, an ear or just a place to forget for a little while.