jenii
Well-known member
I don't even want to bother my twin with this, because I just... I don't know, I feel like when I get too serious with the people closest to me, I become a burden.
I've been... Well, I'm sick. I've got Fibromyalgia, with other complications, and I am in pain every single day. I've been this way for at least four or five years, maybe even longer.
It's starting to take a toll on me. I can't be strong anymore, I feel like I can't take it. No doctors have helped me so far, and I've turned to painkillers because otherwise the pain is too much to bear. The full force of the pain is too intense for me to function. They'll offer up a solution, and it'll work for a few months, but then I'll be right back where I started with the pain again.
Because of all this, I've become suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts at least once a day now, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to act on them. I'm alone most of the day, so the only person who can keep me from going over the edge is... well, ME. And I do a pretty good job, I'd say, but I don't know how long my willpower will hold out.
I don't need to be watched constantly. I don't need to go to a hospital. But, I need to feel like my struggle matters, otherwise my resolve starts weakening.
Unfortunately, everyone I've told (except for my twin brother) has really not had much of a reaction. They don't seem to care about what I'm going through, or the fact that I've actually sat down and thought of ways I might top myself. They're preoccupied with stresses at work, or in their own lives, and no matter how close a relation they are (parents, husband), they can't seem to muster up much concern for me.
And concern is what I NEED right now. I need to feel that it matters. That people see what's going on, and that maybe it affects them and they want to be there for me.
I told my husband, and he basically said he'd rather deal with this later. He was too tired, I guess. Generally, he's caring and loving, but when I need it most, he's not here for me. And I don't know what to do when that happens.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice. I don't know what I think I'm accomplishing by posting this. I'm miserable and I'm desperate and I honestly don't know if I'm even strong enough to go the night without harming myself in some way.
I doubt I'll actually attempt suicide. I promised my twin brother I wouldn't. He's scared for me, and that means a lot. It's the only reason I haven't already made an attempt, tbh.
But... I feel like I don't want to keep burdening him, just because he's the only one who cares. And yet, inside my head I'm screaming "someone please help me," and I know help won't come.
I guess the question is... What do you do when nobody else cares? What do you when you don't want to bother the one person who does? How do you get yourself through a time like this without enlisting the help of others?
I'll appreciate any responses I get, but keep in mind I'm not much for religion/prayer myself. I identify as Jewish, but I'm definitely not devout. However, if you say you want to pray for me, I'll appreciate it. I've never been one to turn down a kind gesture, and I could use any kind gestures you are willing to make.
I'm probably gonna feel so stupid after I post this. I'm asking for help/hope in a large forum of strangers. But, maybe I'm hoping that someone will read it and relate to it, so I won't feel completely alone. I just hope this doesn't bite me in the ass later.
I've been... Well, I'm sick. I've got Fibromyalgia, with other complications, and I am in pain every single day. I've been this way for at least four or five years, maybe even longer.
It's starting to take a toll on me. I can't be strong anymore, I feel like I can't take it. No doctors have helped me so far, and I've turned to painkillers because otherwise the pain is too much to bear. The full force of the pain is too intense for me to function. They'll offer up a solution, and it'll work for a few months, but then I'll be right back where I started with the pain again.
Because of all this, I've become suicidal. I have suicidal thoughts at least once a day now, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to act on them. I'm alone most of the day, so the only person who can keep me from going over the edge is... well, ME. And I do a pretty good job, I'd say, but I don't know how long my willpower will hold out.
I don't need to be watched constantly. I don't need to go to a hospital. But, I need to feel like my struggle matters, otherwise my resolve starts weakening.
Unfortunately, everyone I've told (except for my twin brother) has really not had much of a reaction. They don't seem to care about what I'm going through, or the fact that I've actually sat down and thought of ways I might top myself. They're preoccupied with stresses at work, or in their own lives, and no matter how close a relation they are (parents, husband), they can't seem to muster up much concern for me.
And concern is what I NEED right now. I need to feel that it matters. That people see what's going on, and that maybe it affects them and they want to be there for me.
I told my husband, and he basically said he'd rather deal with this later. He was too tired, I guess. Generally, he's caring and loving, but when I need it most, he's not here for me. And I don't know what to do when that happens.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice. I don't know what I think I'm accomplishing by posting this. I'm miserable and I'm desperate and I honestly don't know if I'm even strong enough to go the night without harming myself in some way.
I doubt I'll actually attempt suicide. I promised my twin brother I wouldn't. He's scared for me, and that means a lot. It's the only reason I haven't already made an attempt, tbh.
But... I feel like I don't want to keep burdening him, just because he's the only one who cares. And yet, inside my head I'm screaming "someone please help me," and I know help won't come.
I guess the question is... What do you do when nobody else cares? What do you when you don't want to bother the one person who does? How do you get yourself through a time like this without enlisting the help of others?
I'll appreciate any responses I get, but keep in mind I'm not much for religion/prayer myself. I identify as Jewish, but I'm definitely not devout. However, if you say you want to pray for me, I'll appreciate it. I've never been one to turn down a kind gesture, and I could use any kind gestures you are willing to make.
I'm probably gonna feel so stupid after I post this. I'm asking for help/hope in a large forum of strangers. But, maybe I'm hoping that someone will read it and relate to it, so I won't feel completely alone. I just hope this doesn't bite me in the ass later.