Okay, Help me out on this PLZ!

[ndn-ista]

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

Okay, here goes:

I have been dating a guy for about 8 months, give or take. Although I have not been the most honest in the relationship, I have always come clean when put on the spot. He has also done his share of crap to me, but we still really care for each other and that is what keeps us going. However, I feel like it is starting to be too much crap to put up with. The most recent drama has been this:

I have gone through his phone (VERY wrong of me I know) and came across some pornos he had downloaded on his phone. I confronted him on it, and told him that it was disgusting. He initially got mad that I went through his phone, which again I know I was wrong for. Second, he said that he gets bored at work and it's not a big deal. Okay, fair enough it is a guy thing I guessed. Then, I saw naked girl dancing in a one video, almost like it was a home video, so I said well what about this one, it looks like someone is holding the camera, it does not look like a porno from a website. The name of that clip was, let's call it "A". He said that he found that video on a website and just saved it on his phone, again I said okay.

A few weeks later, I was just checking his email, an email account that I created for him. I check it here and there and noticied that his phone contacts were downloaded on the email. I was looking at his contacts (probably wrong of me again) and came across a person saved with the same username as the clip, "A" with a phone number.

A few days later, I confronted him again on that particular clip, "A". I was honest with him and told him that I went through his contacts and came across a person with the same username saved in his phone, a local area code btw. I asked him do you know her? He said this girl used to prank call him years ago and sent him the video. I asked if he ever met up with her or saw her in person, he said no.

I am sorry, I want to believe him, but it seems too weird. A girl prank calls you moaning and what not for years, she lives in the same neighborhood as you and she knows your name and info and then sends you a video or rather posts a video on a website, with her naked and dancing. He keeps telling me I am making a big deal about it and that it was years ago etc etc. Okay, fine again I am trying to be resonable and understanding, but I have to question, if it was years ago, then 1. why do you still have that video in your phone? and 2. why do you still have her #. If I was a guy in a relationship, I was have deleted that a long time ago, because simply who is she to you?


Do you think I have a right to get upset and question this or think I am making a big deal out of it. Please give me advice ladies and gents!

Thank you!

 

[joygasm]

Honestly I would get very upset. But I am possessive and jealous. I think ok if she sent it to him, he shouldn't of kept it or get off to it. And if he had her number fair enough, but to keep it after seeing that clip?

 

[lilibat]

The two most important things in a relationship are trust and communication, and by proxy honesty. If you can't trust him, you should move on and maybe do a little work on yourself before getting involved again so you aren't in a position where you feel you need to snoop. Think very hard and be honest WHY you violated his privacy, and don't blame everything on him. If you aren't honest with yourself how can you be honest with anyone else?

 

[joygasm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilibat The two most important things in a relationship are trust and communication, and by proxy honesty. If you can't trust him, you should move on and maybe do a little work on yourself before getting involved again so you aren't in a position where you feel you need to snoop. Think very hard and be honest WHY you violated his privacy, and don't blame everything on him. If you aren't honest with yourself how can you be honest with anyone else?

Hahaha I wish I was like you. I can be a control freak at times. Me and my boyfriend clash so much.

 

[LMD84]

wow. first thing yes i would be a little upset about finding the pornos on his phone. however you know what would have saved that upset? not going trhough his phone!

then you go trhough his emails, regardless of if you set up the account for him, tells me that there is no trust whatsoever in this relationship. you obviously didn't trust his answer about the movie which is why you then started snooping else where. i am not saying he is right, because honestly things do sound a little off. but equally how can you be with somebody when you trust them so little? that's not what love is about

i hope youo have a good chat together and are honest about everything. but by the sounds of it, with the lack of trust your relationship could be on a downward spiral

 

[ndn-ista]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilibat The two most important things in a relationship are trust and communication, and by proxy honesty. If you can't trust him, you should move on and maybe do a little work on yourself before getting involved again so you aren't in a position where you feel you need to snoop. Think very hard and be honest WHY you violated his privacy, and don't blame everything on him. If you aren't honest with yourself how can you be honest with anyone else?

Yes, I agree with you completely. But, if he was honest from the time I asked him about the clip and how he got it and told me straight out that instead of just saying he found it on and a website, I would have appreciated the honesty and wouldn't be snooping. When something is not the entire truth, you can sense it and it urges you to find out and get to the bottom of it, and fair enough there was more to it then what he was telling me. Shouldn't he have told me the entire thing the first time when I confronted him?

 

[ndn-ista]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 wow. first thing yes i would be a little upset about finding the pornos on his phone. however you know what would have saved that upset? not going trhough his phone! then you go trhough his emails, regardless of if you set up the account for him, tells me that there is no trust whatsoever in this relationship. you obviously didn't trust his answer about the movie which is why you then started snooping else where. i am not saying he is right, because honestly things do sound a little off. but equally how can you be with somebody when you trust them so little? that's not what love is about i hope youo have a good chat together and are honest about everything. but by the sounds of it, with the lack of trust your relationship could be on a downward spiral

Fair enough. But, if I didn't snoop, I wouldn't have found out about this. Sometimes, it can be blessings in disguise ya know? I know I am wrong, but I feel like what I found out regardless of how I found out is worse, on his part. And the questions that arised, of him not telling me the entire story and questioning why he didn't just makes this worse. It's like what else have I asked him, and he didn't tell me the whole story on.

 

[lilibat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ndn-ista Yes, I agree with you completely. But, if he was honest from the time I asked him about the clip and how he got it and told me straight out that instead of just saying he found it on and a website, I would have appreciated the honesty and wouldn't be snooping. When something is not the entire truth, you can sense it and it urges you to find out and get to the bottom of it, and fair enough there was more to it then what he was telling me. Shouldn't he have told me the entire thing the first time when I confronted him?

Absolutely he should have told you the truth. I am just wondering what made you look in the first place. Obviously there wasn't much trust there to begin with. Was it previous behavior on his part? Do you have a lot of trust issues from past experiences? Are you just naturally suspicious?

I don't know if you can salvage a relationship like that, but these are important questions for you to understand where things went wrong and how you can deal with trust issues and learn better communication in the future whether it is with him or someone else.

 

[ndn-ista]

In my past relationships, when I have snooped and it was by mistake or someone would tell me something etc, i always found things out and led to me breaking up with them. i do have trust issues, as do many women that have been cheated on or lied to in the past. i felt that something was not right in the story, and not that i deliberately choose to snoop in his email, i happen to come across his contact list and i just looked at it, and i noticed the same user name and put two and two together. i feel like whenever i take that extra step to dig, i always find out something negative. in the past, these have been signs that this was the wrong relationship with the wrong person and i actually was happy that i found out things, so i could end the relationship and move on. maybe, i am snooping because i want to find something to justify my snooping and i can call it quits with reason. but regardless, i think he was wrong, and even now he tells me this was a video he has had from years ago, i still can't get myself to believe that a guy who is in a relationship and moved on, would still have a clip of a naked girl he has never met and her # in his phone.

also, he still has naked and explicit pictures of his ex as well. i mean they have been broken up for about a year, and i feel that if he is in a happy relationship with me all these pics and videos of these naked girls from his past should be deleted. it makes me feel insecure about myself and our relationship. when i asked him to delete it, he tells me that it has nothing to do with me and it was before me so he shouldn't have to. i don't understand why he is holding on to this filth when he should be concentrating on me and our relationship.

 

[Machinegun_Cali]

I get the idea he is stringing you along. The answers he is giving you sound like a bunch of BS. I dont blame you for snooping, sometimes you just get so damn curious. Is it wrong, in some circumstances yes, some no. I dont think that is the issue here though. Whats done is done. You found some shit on his phone and now from what you told us he said he is trying to be a player and not get busted. Thats just my opinion.

Im sure you can do better. Relationships without trust suck. I know where your coming from.

When my hubby and I were dating I found porn in the url thingy. Know how it saves like sites u were on? I started to type like www.s....something and it popped up as www.sex something.com ( bad description I know but u know what i mean lol) . I had asked him a long time ago if he was into porn or anything ( i kinda am so i figured what the hell) he told me "no way!". I remember being pissed off at him for lying about it. I called him at work, confronted him about it, he lied again and I knew it. Went back and dug a little deeper into his home comp and found out a BUNCH of shit. He was still in contact with his SLEAZY ex, downloaded porn up the ying yang. I did my research and brought it all up. He couldnt deny it and he looked like an idiot for lying. I wasnt so pissed about the smut as I was about his ex. Were over it now..that was like 4 years ago. But I havent checked his comp since then really.


Sorry 4 the long ass story

 

[moonlit]

I would have done exactly what you did.. I really dont know what to say..Well I doubt if my bf would mind me having porn on my phone.. I dont care if he has porn on his phone.. as long as he doesnt do sh*t / touch other girls I am fine with it..

its come to a point where I trust my bf.. and he trusts me.. I know him inside out now.. so what I do suggest is : everyone makes mistakes.. Talk to him and let him know how u feel.. see if you can make things better/spicy so the spark doesnt disappear.

give him an ultimatum : stop talking to sleazy ex, delete the clip from phone, have NOTHING to do with ex etc..

 

[Skin*Deep]

my opinion: you should be able to go through his stuff whenever and where ever, and it should NEVER matter, because there should never be anything on there to hide. also, girls don't prank call guys and send them vids of them dancing unless they're getting something out of it. the whole thing is shady. and while men are men, I would sure hate to be there when he was downloading that stuff at work - can you imagine trying to find a job after that??!!!

 

[chynegal]

Trust and honesty is the foundation to any relationship but lets be real if you haven't been honest in the past either wha make u think he is gonna be honest either...

 

[MaskedBeauty]

Honestly I would be very upset too. But I do get jealous easy and if I have a boyfriend I don't want him talkin to or looking at any other girl. I probably would of flipped out if I found that video on my boyfriends phone to be honest. My ex bought playboys and to tell you the truth it made me kinda jealous and mad even though a LOT of guys do it but I never said anything about it. A video on the other hand is a different story. Especially if it looked like a home video and he had the girls number. I would have confronted him as well. And I think you have every right to. Especially if you've been together for 8 months already. I think that lieing is not acceptable either. He pretty much lied about the video because he said he got it off a website and then he said the chick sent it to him. Maybe you need to have a serious talk with him one day about everything that is bugging you. And if he still tries to make everything your fault and sayin you're making a big deal outta nothing then maybe he just isnt the right guy for you?? Life's too short to deal with bullshit ya know??

 

[Kragey]

Porno I usually tell people not to fuss about, unless it's really ruining their relationship. Looking at pornography from time to time is a relatively normal phenomenon, and many couples like to watch it together. There is no emotional connection to porn, as I say.

If it gets to be obsessive or damaging, however, then something has to happen.

Videos from some girl about town...now, that's different. My first reaction was that it's amateur porn--there's a lot of that available, and quite honestly, much of it is better than the pre-packaged stuff--but it sounds like he actually knows this girl. That's...just not right. You don't KNOW a porn star, they're just animated blow-up dolls on screen (and I don't mean they don't count as people, because I'm friends with porn stars; I mean that's how most people respond to them sexually), but somebody he knows is SOMEBODY HE KNOWS.

He needs to be honest with you. But by the same token, you need to be honest with him. You admit that you haven't always been honest yet have "come clean" later...well, I really don't think that's enough. Once you've fibbed, it doesn't matter if you admit to the fib later on, the fact still remains that you were dishonest. Honesty really is the best policy within a relationship; without it, relationships tend to rot from the ground up.

 

[gildedangel]

To me, it obvious that you don't trust him. Otherwise you would not be going through his phone and his e-mails; and from what you have found it seems that you have reason not to trust him. Even if you both make up and get past this incident, you still aren't going to trust him, and he isn't going to trust you. Without that trust, the ending of the relationship is innevitable.

 

[Boasorte]

Honey if you can't trust him, and if he's lying to u, he'll probably cheat on u as well, going thru his phone and shit is wrong, but we're women, most of us do it.
But I will share something with you someone told me.

Don't go looking for something, and get upset when you find it

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

If you dont trust him move on. Porn shit I wouldnt get pissed over. All guys are pervs. You can either beat yourself up over it or accept that thats the way guys are. Why do you think that men go to strip clubs? Cuz they like looking at nakie girls. Men like 'Visual' stuff.


Having a bitchs number and her nakie pic on his phone is a whole different ball park. Get rid of his ass. 8 months is not a long time. Be thankful you found out about this shit. You could be in a relationship for like 5 years and just find out about his secrets. Just think... Look at Ellin Woods. She has kids and is married to a scum bag who cheats. Do you want to be like that when you are married?

 

[Kragey]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeccalovesMAC If you dont trust him move on. Porn shit I wouldnt get pissed over. All guys are pervs. You can either beat yourself up over it or accept that thats the way guys are. Why do you think that men go to strip clubs? Cuz they like looking at nakie girls. Men like 'Visual' stuff. Having a bitchs number and her nakie pic on his phone is a whole different ball park. Get rid of his ass. 8 months is not a long time. Be thankful you found out about this shit. You could be in a relationship for like 5 years and just find out about his secrets. Just think... Look at Ellin Woods. She has kids and is married to a scum bag who cheats. Do you want to be like that when you are married?

I'm a woman and I watch porn. I don't think that makes me a "perv."

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kragey I'm a woman and I watch porn. I don't think that makes me a "perv."

I watch porn too. I didnt mean anything negative. Men like to look at nakie girls more that girls like to look at naked men(except for me. I look all day).