Pleeeeease I need some help, i beg, opinions on fiance issues

[{Dear Tragedy}]

So i asked for opinions on a different messageboard and got a few that pretty much said "say goodbye" (obviously that's easier said than done)... I don't wanna bother them again over there for further advise...so I figure I can bother you guys

hhehhe... ok so...here it goes.....

Firstly, I feel really damn guilty and really down at the same time. I need opinions.

This morning, I found out (in a way I wish I didn't) that my fiance who moved away for school a couple of years ago and has tons of friends in his new state, is actively trying to meet new girls in his area through myspace who are also new to the town. Just girls, hot girls of course...no guys. This is a guy who tells me how much he loves and misses me, how I'm the only girl he wants and wants to be with me for the rest of his life and what not. He's been done with school since summer, but doesn't want to move back home yet, which is a whole other stressful issue right now.

I feel like shit in my own way because I looked at his myspace mail and that's how I found out about him sending these girls messages (which, I should add, don't say anything perverted...just basically asking if they want people to hang out with, parties and bars to go to, how they like it in the new town, blah blah)..he gave me his PW a whiiiile back to log in for him and yeah...shouldn't have let the curiousity get the best of me, but we're 200 miles apart and I don't know, he does some weird shit sometimes.....
The other day he insinuated a threesome with his ex gf who I recently kinda sorta became friends with after seeing her out one night..........ummm....I don't do threesomes and I don't wanna see my fiance doing his ex, nor do I want to know how bad he still wants to. After I told him he was freakin me out, he said "Don't worry about her. Looks aren't everything." Thanks guy. Maybe he just doesn't have too much of a mouth filter?

I don't know if I'm just stuck in that immediate reaction of feelin hurt and worried...I already know I shouldn't have looked....I guess I should stop being in denial that there's a lack of trust I have although he's never cheated and gets extremely upset when I tell him he doesn't seem to be the most loyal person in the world. I myself can't see him cheating, but he's obsessed with girls....and I feel like if you're engaged, shouldn't that be the one girl you really need??

I don't know...I'm a lot more old fashioned and conservative than him...maybe I need to hear other views. But I've had talks with him like this before, when he first moved he was only trying to meet girls, over the summer he got some model's phone number at a car show he was working and never told her he was engaged (said he never had the chance in their 20min long conversation). That was a big fight...she invited him to her place and he could've said it then, instead he took her number and told her he had to work. He said he never would've called, but it was nice to have a pretty girls attention. Ok...fine I guess, I apparently can get over that now that I let him know how scared it got me and how pisssssed he would've been had the situation been flipped.

Anyways...so that's what I'm workin with right now...the distance has been hard and I don't think any of this would be happening if we were together. And honestly, for someone who's not a very trusting, I really do trust the things he says about loving me, being lucky to have me, and wanting to be with me forever.

....Opinions on what to do??...How to talk to him?? I can't exactly say, "hey I was looking through you myspace account" :-/ but yet I don't thing he'd ever freely admit to looking for girls because he knows it would hurt me. Shit...ok, well I just basically admitted to myself he does things even though he knows they'd hurt me. Ughhh.

Anyways...in case anyone's wondering, I'm almost 28, he's almost 26, and we've been together for over 3 years, engaged for one.

I appreciate any talk or advice....I only have a couple of gf's I can really go to, and they have problems with gossiping. So this is one of those times I'm feelin insanely alone.
Thank you loves<3

 

[asnbrb]

I know that you don't want to hear it, but I'd say to leave. I do think that it was wrong for you to be snooping in his myspace, but you did find out some information that is pertinent to your decision. I do think that you are worth more than what this relationship is offering you right now and just because you've been in a relationship for X amount of years, doesn't mean that he can treat you like that and expect you to be there.

I've been in a relationship for four years come April and while it IS nice to have the attention of a different person once in awhile, I don't go out searching for it. I don't accept numbers (and right when they offer it is when you say that you're taken). (actually, my BF said that it's awesome if a guy buys me a drink, since it's one less that he has to buy me! )

Honestly, what it sounds like he's saying to the girls sounds exactly like what my guy friends and my BF's guy friends say to get in with a girl that they think is attractive. EXACTLY LIKE THEM. Shoot, that's what I say to the girls that they want to hit on (BTW- excellent wingwoman, here!)

And a threesome? Good Lord. I've no idea what to say about that one. Has he ever seemed like he wasn't over with his ex? Why his ex? (Maybe he knows that he can get in with that one?)

I've no great advice on how to approach this, but looks like that he's not as into this relationship as you are (or maybe he's too comfortable in it). I'm offering you my best wishes, though, because what you're going through can't be too easy.

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

Yeah...it's extremely hard.

And I also see your point that his messages were just ways to get an "in"....I think I'm forcing myself to look further and make it less negative.
This is killing me...I can't magine just saying goodbye without an attempt to work it out. But then again...what more can I say that hasn't already been said in other situations. Apparently he hasn't changed after hearing what's hurt me.
This is awful....it's my first relationship...for a reason. I never trusted or loved someone so much before and never even felt the possiblity of loving someone, so I never put myself in that type of relationship until I 100% felt it.

Anyway...thank you so much for taking the time out to give some advice xo

 

[amoona]

Ok yea guys are idiots and they don't think before they speak. Now I really can't tell you what to do but I can tell you exactly what I would do. This isn't something that would be ok with me, the threesome thing is what really got me. I would leave him the movement he brought that up.

I know it's easier said then done ... trust me I understand ... but I also know what type of person I want to be with and your fiance doesn't sound like him. Now maybe you're a lot more open with sex then I am (I'm personally a virgin and for me sex is only going to be between me and my husband). Maybe you can see past that jus as something he brought up. Then you have the issue with him contacting girls on myspace to hang out with. I know guys can have female friends but I think I would go over the wall with this too. I mean it's one thing if he's friends with a girl he met through a friend or he works with, but to go out of his way to find girls online to hang out with is something different.

My boyfriend's very good friend is a really sweet guy, I love him. He's actually the only friend of my bf I like. Anyway this guy is engaged and he's been with his girl for years but he cheats on her left and right. She'd NEVER know it, she'd never even think of it. I wouldn't know if my bf wasn't so honest with me (he's too honest sometimes lol). Things may not always be as they seem, just because you can't see him cheating doesn't mean he hasn't or isn't. I really don't want to be mean and give you some kind of harsh reality, but it just seems from what you're telling us that he's done some shady things.

If you have these kind of issues about him now then just ask yourself are you prepaid to feel like this and question him for the rest of your lives?!

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

Thank you mam....
I know...everything's so jumbled in my head right now I'm hoping I'll be able to think straight soon.
I completely agree about the myspace thing and girls as friends. You don't go out of your way to search for girls.
Secondly, I do think it's weird that he would actually insinuate a threesome...I was 24 and a virgin when i met him, and only after I entirely fell in love with him and we were talking about marraige that I decided to go further. And I realize that guys are gross, alot of them have that fantasy of seeing their girl with another....and he's overly honest about the weirdest things and then pretty secretive about others.
Now granted, I've had what I call "girlcrushes" where I'm pretty much obsessed with girls style, I've said girls were hot and all that stuff, because well, jeeez, there are girls that are hot and intriguing and interesting. I'll never deny someone's pretty....but he knows how conservative I am, he knows there's not a hint of gay in me. Or at least I thought he did. Maybe me saying that she was "cute but not hot to me" made him jump to some weirdass conclusion??
I know he thinks his ex is insanely gorgeous...and what I should have mentioned is this isn't a recent ex, they dated in their teens. So while it did bother me TONS, it would've definitely been a lot worse if their relationship was of some importance based on some sort of emotional connection...it was a reallllly short teenage fling.
I definitely wouldn't marry him at this point in our lives... unfortunately I still see him as a young dumb kid, and he's not that young, but he comes off as 19 if you get to know him. So I think because I see him that way, I let alot go.

 

[ms_bloom]

I don't want to tell you what to do either but I know what I would do! In a nutshell, this guy is not making you feel good. I know that it is always much easier to say than do, but you need to make yourself your number one priority and not put up with such treatment. For some guys, "player" behaviour is just a phase and either time or the right girl will straighten them out; unfortunately for others it is just who they are. The threesome thing raises a huge red flag for me. I'm not against them as such, but they would need to be a cherry on top of an already solid relationship and definitely with a neutral third party - no exes! And even then they can upset things. My advice is to really think about how his behaviour makes you feel. You said yourself you couldn't see yourself marrying him at this stage. What would need to change? What do you want for a future life relationship and is he going to give it to you? I couldn't imagine leaving someone you loved and had promised to marry. On the other hand, you leaving him might be the wake up call he needs to realise he is wrecking a good thing. I wish you strength and peace of mind during what must be such a tough and emotional time.

I wasn't taking my own advice last year though (different situation to yours but similar feelings). My boyfriend and I had broken up twice and neither time was my decision, however I got on with life each time. Long story short, he realised that our relationship issues were mostly his issues and he made a decision to allow himself to be happy in his personal life no matter what was happening at work. I never really gave up on him, there was just this feeling that this guy was special. But I did have to let him go, to give him space to work himself out. We've never been closer or more open with each other now - everything happens for a reason!

 

[Beauty Mark]

You have to do what's right by you. There's no right or wrong way of conducting a relationship, as long as all parties are happy with the agreement and aren't hurting others. I don't care if everyone in the world is having threesomes and open relationships; if they're not for you, they aren't for you. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

If you're uncomfortable and unhappy in this situation, by all means break up with him or if you can't bring yourself to a quick break, talk to him about it. His answers may make you more confident that you should break up with him.

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

Thank you so much....
...although I am unhappy with alot of the stuff he does, I can't help but feel it is a weird phase. I can't see him being like this 5 years from now. But then again, maybe being in so in love with him is sugarcoating things.

See, right now he's all about fun, he's in Pa working this useless valet job part time so he can go snowboarding more freely. He's not hangin out with the best people really...19-21 yr olds who are pretty much all about the same thing, a big lack of responsibility. So he doesn't seem to wanna settle down at the moment in any aspect of his life but tells me that I'm the best thing for him and I make him want to settle down; That not being together is prolonging his immaturity.I told him that's not the right way to feel...he needs to want to change things himself, for himself, and not only when I'm around him.

The other thing I've noticed especially with him, is his insecurity. He made some comment the other day about not feeling good about himself looks-wise....I tried to get him explan to me wtf he was talking about because he's never noticeably down and out about himself in that way to the point where he'll comment about it, but he shut down immediately because really, how many guys like to discuss that they have the same issues that have been a stereotypical insecure-girl problem? It's a bruise to the ego.

So now I'm tying this in to the whole need to be friends with hot girls. He definitely has issues he needs to figure out because it seems like he's always needed the affirmation that you feel when you get attention from an attractive person. We're 200 miles apart, unfortunately I think with he lets his weaknesses get the best of him especially when we only see eachother once a month.
Also...a weird quirk of part of his insecurity is he likes to have girls to introduce girls to his friends...it's like some sort of weird pimp issue, but I think he gets satisfation out of being "the guy who brings hot single girls to the party". Like guys'll look up to him for it. That whole male ego issue again.

What makes it so hard for me to quit is that's all something that I think gets fixed over time with maturity, which he obviously lacks in alot of ways right now.

So maybe rather than giving up I need to have a different type of talk with him...one where I make it more of an ultimatum. I've never taken it to that point before.
I'd marry him if I felt he was ready to be that dedicated, ready to build a secure life where we both have careers and a steady foundation, where he isn't putting his insecurities ahead of my feelings, and where he's got the maturity level to finally be content. He's like a selfish kid right now.

Honestly, that was great advice.
Thank you

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark You have to do what's right by you. There's no right or wrong way of conducting a relationship, as long as all parties are happy with the agreement and aren't hurting others. I don't care if everyone in the world is having threesomes and open relationships; if they're not for you, they aren't for you. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If you're uncomfortable and unhappy in this situation, by all means break up with him or if you can't bring yourself to a quick break, talk to him about it. His answers may make you more confident that you should break up with him.

....thank you.....
I entirely agree.
I'm less in that stomach turning shock mode that I fell into, and I think I can start thinking a little clearer about things...and I know I'm the type of person that'll feel better talking to him before making a decision on the next step.
<333

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy} maybe being in so in love with him is sugarcoating things.

There's an old saying: "It hard to see the picture when you are in the frame."

I think deep inside your heart that you know what you need to do. He's not ANYWHERE near ready to be married...he's 26 and he's not a child anymore either...but he acts like one.

Sending you lots of hugs, whatever you decide...

 

[pixichik77]

You just need to decide what you want to live with. You looked at his mail because you had a reason to. Do you want to spend your life/time with someon you don't exactly trust, always wondering? Dealing with insecurity, etc? Someone said "do what's right by you" and that's true; you need to look at how the relationship makes you feel and decide if you want to keep feeling that way indefinatly. Or if it's something you want to put up with. Cuz, honey, it's not going to change or get better. What he is is what he is, and if you look back you might see that those patterns have always been there, and they always will be.

So I won't say "leave him" because staying with him is a valid choice. But be ready to accept all that comes with it.

 

[YvetteJeannine]

I guess it brings it all down to one simple question you need to ask yourself: Is this REALLY the kind of guy you want to marry????!!!!

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixichik77 You just need to decide what you want to live with. You looked at his mail because you had a reason to. Do you want to spend your life/time with someon you don't exactly trust, always wondering? Dealing with insecurity, etc? Someone said "do what's right by you" and that's true; you need to look at how the relationship makes you feel and decide if you want to keep feeling that way indefinatly. Or if it's something you want to put up with. Cuz, honey, it's not going to change or get better. What he is is what he is, and if you look back you might see that those patterns have always been there, and they always will be. So I won't say "leave him" because staying with him is a valid choice. But be ready to accept all that comes with it.

I could not have said it better myself...very wise words...

 

[VeXedPiNk]

Quote:

Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy} I'd marry him if I felt he was ready to be that dedicated, ready to build a secure life where we both have careers and a steady foundation, where he isn't putting his insecurities ahead of my feelings, and where he's got the maturity level to finally be content.

I think that is exactly what you need to tell him. If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with someone, you have to be 100% sure that the person is the right one. Someone who isn't willing to listen to your concerns, and does things that he knows will upset you, is not the right one.

I would definitly talk to him first. Although you may have a self-admitted trust issue, this proved your suspicions right. I wouldn't suggest making a habit of doing that kind of thing though. Either way, you have to do something or you're just going to end up in an unhappy relationship which you could regret later. Explain to him what makes you upset about it and be firm. Sure, a relationship has it's sacrifices. But your happiness needs to be important, because if both parties are not happy then there really is no relationship.

And who knows? Maybe you misinterpretted the messages and it's no big deal.

And like giz2000 said, it is much harder to view things in perspective when you are amongst them. I really wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you. I'm sure most of us here have had our share of bad relationships. All you can really do is learn from them *hugs*

 

[kaliraksha]

Hum, all these girls gave you wonderful advice, that I would give you myself. Advice is easier given than taken though. But what I would honestly do.... is tell him you looked at his myspace account and let him explain himself... explain of course, why you did it. I would need this conversation in order to decide what to make of it and what to do. I'm really into letting my fiance know everything, but once again this is what I would do. My fiance and I have an agreement... though, we don't get angry over any snooping because we don't hide anything from each other... we don't do anything online or in person that we wouldn't do in front of each other.
I think this is the only way you can get answers, lay out what's acceptable on the table and have the best chance of staying together, if this is what you want.
It's not a pretty situation... and I think you will have to get down and dirty and get to root of all of this. This is what I would do for my sanity... that or leave him. =(

P.S.- I've been in the snooping boat before! Except... mine was worst... it was... logged conversations in Trillian! Sigh... which is where we got all our "rules" from... what is acceptable, what constitutes cheating, and our don't do anything you wouldn't be ok doing in front of me rule...

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

Quote:

P.S.- I've been in the snooping boat before! Except... mine was worst... it was... logged conversations in Trillian! Sigh... which is where we got all our "rules" from... what is acceptable, what constitutes cheating, and our don't do anything you wouldn't be ok doing in front of me rule...

YES!!
That's exactly the way I think....if you can't do something in front of somebody, then it's either one of two things:
1. it's wrong, or
2. you can't be yourself with someone
And either of those suck.

Thank you lady<333

 

[Hawkeye]

Being the blunt person that I am

You deserve so much better. That guy doesn't care about you. You think he does but he obviously does not. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you.

He is just playing around. He wants to be with other girls and he thinks that because he is away at school he can get away with it. WTH?

Easier said then done is accurate but let me ask you something- If you were watching your best friend go through this would you not tell her the same thing? Leave him. You're strong enough to do it- and you deserve better.

 

[kaliraksha]

What really helps me sometimes also... is picturing exactly what I would have done in his situation.... or have I ever done something similiar that may be interpreted "badly". For example, flirting.... a few years ago I would flirt with this guy in class a little... it felt like harmless fun... until the last day of the semester when he made me a CD with phone number on it...and I took it... out of shock... but out of curiosity I came home and listened to it... but I thought...if my boyfriend walked in right now he would be a litlte upset and read a whole lot into this. So of course, I threw it away... but sometimes the attention feels good when you've been in a long relationship... especially one where maybe you have discussed your real feelings on "other people".

 

[{Dear Tragedy}]

It's the whole "do unto others" thing.
He's doing things to me that I know he would be wrecked over if I did them to him.

I don't think he doesn't care about me or want to be with me....but I do think he's entirely too selfish and insecure right now to give the type of care and security that should be given in a relationship that he himself brought to the "engaged" status.

 

[ms_bloom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by {Dear Tragedy} See, right now he's all about fun, he's in Pa working this useless valet job part time so he can go snowboarding more freely. He's not hangin out with the best people really...19-21 yr olds who are pretty much all about the same thing, a big lack of responsibility. So he doesn't seem to wanna settle down at the moment in any aspect of his life but tells me that I'm the best thing for him and I make him want to settle down; That not being together is prolonging his immaturity.I told him that's not the right way to feel...he needs to want to change things himself, for himself, and not only when I'm around him.

You said it so well right here: people shouldn't (and possibly can't) change for others, they need to do it for themselves. If, once you have clearly and calmly voiced your concerns to him, he shows no desire to change, then you need to decide if you are okay with that. Good luck whatever you decide