Pregnant and ... well, really quite unnerved about it

[ratmist]

I'm 26, finishing my PhD in a few months, been married for almost 3 years. I've been with my husband for 4 1/2 years. He's a college grad and has a stable job as a software engineer. We own our own home (an old Victorian one-bed apartment in need of some DIY to make it a two-bed, heh). I'm about 13 weeks + 3 days, according to our first scan, which happened on Friday.

Right. So we'd been talking about kids a lot, but never really decided until January that we wanted to try. We thought about our finances and our situation, especially with me finishing the PhD and not in full-time employment.

We thought we'd qualify for government assistance (child-care allowance basically) because our friends had qualified. It was a stupid assumption.

Child-care (daycare) costs approximately £700 - £850 per month in my city. This is approximately $1400 to $1700 per month in US Dollars by the current exchange rate. Topping it all off, I have humongous US Govt student loans to pay back, in the six-digit range.

Long story short, if we have a child, we have to have childcare, because I have to go to work to pay back my student loans. My husband's job pays for the mortgage and basic expenses. My student loan repayments are the same amount as the mortgage repayments. So we thought the government (UK) would let us qualify for child-care assistance. Assuming this, we started "trying" for approximately two weeks, while we waited for an appointment with a government agent.

Turns out, we don't qualify at all. My husband earns too much. We decided we couldn't afford a baby, so we canned the idea and said, "Maybe in a few years". That night, at 2am, I peed on a stick and found out I was pregnant.

And here I am, 13+ weeks later. Really quite unnerved by it all.

I'm not used to being in a situation where I can say, "Jeez, that was dumb, Rat." But here I am. And I am quite ... I dunno.

Are there any ladies out there who thought to themselves, "I don't know how I'm going to feel about my child"? I am not a maternal person. I have never really wanted children, and it's only the fact that I love my husband that I could ever imagine having children. If it wasn't for him, there's just absolutely no way I would want it at all. I always said that if I had become pregnant and didn't want it, I wouldn't know what to do. Now that I am pregnant, I know it's the love from and for my husband that prevents me from termination. But the night we found out I was pregnant, we talked about termination very seriously.

I'm so cerebral. I don't know if I'm going to love this kid or not. My childhood was pretty harsh, and I have never thought of myself as mothering. It's not an instinct I think I have. It frightens me. Also, I've really hated being pregnant... it makes writing up my thesis very difficult. I already resent being pregnant... does that mean I'll resent my child? No child deserves that!

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just feel unnerved and bewildered, and more than a bit vulnerable. Not emotions I'm used to feeling 24/7. If you Specktra Moms have some supportive comments, I'd really really like to hear it.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I'm not a mom. But I hope that my comment is still appreciated.

All I can say is that I'm here for you. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. But perhaps your feelings will change as your pregnancy goes on. Maybe when you have the baby your feelings will change and you will love your child more than ever.

Just remember that life doesn't always go as planned. And everything happens for a reason. Good luck with everything

 

[Brittni]

I don't think termination is right. You willfully were trying for a child so either "suffer" with it or at LEAST be kind hearted enough to give it to a family that will love it....

 

[redambition]

for you.

i'm sure that it will all work out. it's perfectly natural to feel scared that you won't be a good mother when you're pregnant. it's a totally new part of your life.

i'm not a mother myself so i can't speak from first hand experience... but i have in the past felt that surge of motherliness (for want of a better word) when meeting little baby relatives. it's odd because it only really happens when the baby is either somehow related to me or the baby of a close friend or colleague. random babies = zero response.

 

[VioletB]

Please don't take offense.. but this really peeves me.

I've been married almost 4 years and my husband and I have been trying for the last year and a half to get pregnant. Each month if I am even 1 day late, I take a test... it's negative and I am seriously disappointed about it. We are at the point where we are ready to go to a fertility specialist to help us conceive.

Termination should not be an option. You had sex, sex causes babies, and if you weren't wanting to get pregnant at this time you should've taken preventative action. This isn't anything new.

Be mature enough to deal with it. I don't have anything else to say. Sorry. I don't mean to be a bitch, but it really upsets me because I have been wanting a baby so bad for the last little while it pisses me off when people are ungrateful for this beautiful gift of life they've been given.

 

[MiCHiE]

I'm not a mom, nor have I've ever been pregnant, but what you're feeling could just be nerves kicking in about the big change a child will bring. It sure sounds like it....you know....almost like you're over thinking every little thing. You'll manage. Honestly, I have friends (I think we all know women) who don't have a pot to piss in and they manage.

 

[Crobledo]

I don't post here but...

I'm not familiar with the real estate in the UK but is there anyway you can refinance your mortgage to keep the payments more affordable or maybe your husband can ask for a raise. Also, do you have any family members who don't mind babysitting. I have a friend who was in this tight situation as well, she worked nights so she can have the days to herself and the little one while her husband worked and vice versa.

Believe me, what choice you make will affect you life. I had made a choice and still think about it years after.

Good Luck

 

[glassy girl]

Well right now ur going true alot, hormones and everything (dont u love being a woman) u know its hard being pregnant some people say they love it but its not always easy. But i can honestly say when u see ur little angel u will fall in love i promise. You will have these feelings u never thought u had, to protect ur baby with all of ur heart im sure you will be a wonderful mother its ok to feel 100 different emotions while being pregnant i did, Good luck with everything.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brittni I don't think termination is right. You willfully were trying for a child so either "suffer" with it or at LEAST be kind hearted enough to give it to a family that will love it....

Well, I think I was pretty clear above that we aren't terminating this pregnancy. I'm simply scared, feeling quite vulnerable, and looking for some support. I wasn't looking for justifications to help me decide to terminate. I'm at 14+ weeks now, and if I haven't terminated by now, I am not going to.

As for "suffering", I think that's a ridiculous argument.

As for adoption, again, that's out of the question.

I realise from the other thread that you are vehemently pro-life, but I think you should put aside your feelings and think about what I actually posted and the reasons behind the post. Is it really more important for you to state your opinion than to offer a bit of compassion?

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by glassy girl Well right now ur going true alot, hormones and everything (dont u love being a woman) u know its hard being pregnant some people say they love it but its not always easy. But i can honestly say when u see ur little angel u will fall in love i promise. You will have these feelings u never thought u had, to protect ur baby with all of ur heart im sure you will be a wonderful mother its ok to feel 100 different emotions while being pregnant i did, Good luck with everything.

Thank you. I sometimes feel a bit like ... I dunno, like I'm some kind of strange woman for not enjoying the pregnancy and not being in love with the idea of having a baby.

Sometimes the hormones surge and I get this overwhelming sense of happiness. I'm a scientist though (technically an archaeologist, but I'm on the processual side of the field so that makes me a scientist), and I know that's just a surge of hormones. I try to hold on to the emotion because I want to be happy about this, I want to be excited... but at the moment, I am just terrified I'm going to be a terrible mother.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crobledo I don't post here but... I'm not familiar with the real estate in the UK but is there anyway you can refinance your mortgage to keep the payments more affordable or maybe your husband can ask for a raise. Also, do you have any family members who don't mind babysitting. I have a friend who was in this tight situation as well, she worked nights so she can have the days to herself and the little one while her husband worked and vice versa. Believe me, what choice you make will affect you life. I had made a choice and still think about it years after. Good Luck

Thank you. My husband just received a raise in April, so I think it's a little too soon to ask for another one. As for the mortgage, it's only a year old, and even if we refinance it, it wouldn't free up much. I think that's a good option to think about in a year's time if we're really stuck though - thank you for mentioning it.

I have no family on this side of the planet, apart from a cousin and aunt in Germany. My in-laws live a few hours away, and they're completely over the moon about this. I am very lucky to have their support, though I think babysitting may be tricky because they do live a bit further away from us.

We do have friends that can babysit, so that will help. I think ultimately though, what's bothering me is the finances and the worry that we won't have enough to look after the baby the way we wanted.

When we made the choice to try for a pregnancy, we planned out the finances and thought we were fine, so long as we qualified for a certain amount of childcare benefit. We didn't want to raise a child with very little money. We wanted and were trying to be more responsible than that. We were so stupid not to check more thoroughly before jumping in the sack! And maybe I'm so hung up on that financial misplanning that I can't get past the feeling that we've doomed a kid.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by redambition random babies = zero response.

The only time I've ever had a squishy feeling for babies is when close friends of mine announced they were having a baby. The idea of those two wonderful people producing a human being together... it made me ache with happiness and envy.

As for babies in general? Underwhelmed would probably adequately describe it.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VioletB Please don't take offense.. but this really peeves me. I've been married almost 4 years and my husband and I have been trying for the last year and a half to get pregnant. Each month if I am even 1 day late, I take a test... it's negative and I am seriously disappointed about it. We are at the point where we are ready to go to a fertility specialist to help us conceive.

Go see a specialist. My sympathies for your pain... even if you have no sympathy for mine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VioletB Termination should not be an option. You had sex, sex causes babies, and if you weren't wanting to get pregnant at this time you should've taken preventative action. This isn't anything new.

I think you should read my post more carefully. We wanted to get pregnant under the circumstances we thought we were operating in. We tried for approximately two weeks. Then we found out our financial estimates were wrong, and I was already pregnant.

I'm worried I won't be able to provide for my child. I'm worried that I won't make a very good mother. I am worried about how things are going to change, and whether or not we're going to handle the changes well.

These are normal responses, as far as I can tell. I was looking for some compassion and support from mothers on Specktra, not condemnation for the simple fact that I am scared.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VioletB Be mature enough to deal with it. I don't have anything else to say. Sorry. I don't mean to be a bitch, but it really upsets me because I have been wanting a baby so bad for the last little while it pisses me off when people are ungrateful for this beautiful gift of life they've been given.

I think you're bitter and unhappy right now, and ready to lash out. I have a measure of sympathy for you, but it's not infinite. Your situation does not give you the right to judge me out of hand. Be mature enough about your situation to deal with it without lashing out at others.

 

[Girl about town]

i was under the impression that you don't have to pay back the student loan unless you earned enough, is it an option giving up your job?. I am in the uk too and my partner and i have son together we both work and get next to none government assistance i get child tax credits which everyone is entitled too. Can you not get a job that is flexible so it eliminates the need for child care? . My partner and i both work full time but have never had to pay for childcare because of flexible working hours (ie i do nights and weekends mostly) How did you end up with a student loan so big?its shocking they expect you to make such big payments.It is my understanding that they only take payments when you are financially able!. Maybe go see citizens advice buareau, they can give you soe options and work it out for you, maybe negotiate with student loans.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and i was not a maternal person so i was horrified at first,we had no money , no house, i was at university i decided to have the baby and was miseable and depressed the whole pregnancy and worrying all the time about how we would manage. But we did manage and the moment we had him i was in love!!! nothing else like money matters any more, as long as we are together i feel happy!!!
Just enjoy your pregnancy. Good luck xxxxxx

 

[SparklingWaves]

This little one has made a surprise presentation on you.

You are a very intelligent lady. I am sure you can come up with clever ways to accommodate this little one into your life.

You have so much to offer a child.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl about town i was under the impression that you don't have to pay back the student loan unless you earned enough, is it an option giving up your job?

I have US government student loans. They work differently from the UK student loans, so I'm going to assume you meant UK student loans.

I had a meeting yesterday with someone appointed to talk to students about meeting their US government student loan debt, and it turns out that I may be able to qualify for economic hardship deferment. This would be a major relief to give us some time to settle in with the baby and with the new financial strain, but it depends on whether the US govt calculates my hardship based on my earnings alone, or if they take my husband's earnings into account. Also, I don't know if their formula calculates the out-goings in our finances (i.e. the mortgage, cost of living, and eventually the financial costs associated with the baby). I'm waiting for more information on it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl about town I am in the uk too and my partner and i have son together we both work and get next to none government assistance i get child tax credits which everyone is entitled too. Can you not get a job that is flexible so it eliminates the need for child care? . My partner and i both work full time but have never had to pay for childcare because of flexible working hours (ie i do nights and weekends mostly) How did you end up with a student loan so big?its shocking they expect you to make such big payments.It is my understanding that they only take payments when you are financially able!. Maybe go see citizens advice buareau, they can give you soe options and work it out for you, maybe negotiate with student loans.

Well, if you take what I owe in dollars and translate it into pounds, it's around the cost of a generic one-bed flat not located in the trendiest or most central areas of Glasgow or Edinburgh.

I had to pay for my masters and my PhD myself. I had to pay overseas student fees, which on average cost about £8,000 per year. Tack into that the cost of living and you can see why the loans rack up. If I'd chosen to stay in the States, it would've been at least that amount of debt for a PhD because the timescales mean I would've been in university for longer anyway. Either way, education is expensive, and I don't regret doing it (yet). Student debt isn't like other types of debt, so I don't feel any shame.

I'm trying to get funding for a post-doc but it's extremely difficult. Less than 10% of the applications to the funding body of my choice get funded. If I get the post-doc, all my financial problems are immediately resolved but only for about two years, and the flexibility of being a post-doc is a huge added bonus. Otherwise, I have to get a generic 9-5 job in Edinburgh that probably will not be flexible, going by my friends that are in this situation too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girl about town I had an unplanned pregnancy and i was not a maternal person so i was horrified at first,we had no money , no house, i was at university i decided to have the baby and was miseable and depressed the whole pregnancy and worrying all the time about how we would manage. But we did manage and the moment we had him i was in love!!! nothing else like money matters any more, as long as we are together i feel happy!!! Just enjoy your pregnancy. Good luck xxxxxx

Stories like that actually give me hope. I don't want to feel that my husband and I are alone in this situation. Intellectually, obviously this isn't the first time something like this has happened in the world, but hearing about others who have gone through it and are making it work, and crucially are happy about it... that's what makes me feel more reassured than anything. Thank you.

 

[frocher]

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[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by VioletB Please don't take offense.. but this really peeves me. I've been married almost 4 years and my husband and I have been trying for the last year and a half to get pregnant. Each month if I am even 1 day late, I take a test... it's negative and I am seriously disappointed about it. We are at the point where we are ready to go to a fertility specialist to help us conceive. Termination should not be an option. You had sex, sex causes babies, and if you weren't wanting to get pregnant at this time you should've taken preventative action. This isn't anything new. Be mature enough to deal with it. I don't have anything else to say. Sorry. I don't mean to be a bitch, but it really upsets me because I have been wanting a baby so bad for the last little while it pisses me off when people are ungrateful for this beautiful gift of life they've been given.

You have a right to your thoughts but that comment is a bit out of place and if I was the one who was pregnant, I would be quite offended.

The OP was asking for some helpful advice and support, not a judgemental lecture on your pro life stance. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and choices, sure, but I think it's important to choose at what time you express those opinions. This just didn't seem like an opportune time. I think the OP was coming here for reassurance on her pregnancy jitters, not to be judged and lectured.

I understand you are having some difficulties conceiving and I'm very sorry about that, maybe you can get some help in that matter from specialists, but that has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this situation. And as the OP said, abortion isn't even the topic here, she just feels a bit nervous and unsure about the situation.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I want this forum to remain a hospitable and open place for mothers, without fear of getting jumped on by people who do not share the same views on abortion, child rearing, pregnancy, and the like. If you want to start a topic on pro-life or abortion, by all means you are free to do so in the Deep Thoughts forum. In fact, I think there is a thread on this subject already if you try in Search.

I hope you can understand.

OK let's get back onto the topic now. I was going to say that if you really want this baby, you can make things work, even if it means tightening the belt for some years. But both of you seem to have a good education and your husband is in a field of work that is thriving at the moment, so I wouldn't be too worried. My mother in law once said that when she got pregnant with her sons (they were planned children), she didn't worry very much about money and all that, even though they didn't have a lot. She just knew she wanted kids, and she would just get by on what she and her husband had. She said to me, if you wait til everything is perfect and you're totally stable, you'll never be ready! And I kind of agree with that. About repaying your student loan, I know a lot of people take years and years to pay that off. Even if you just pay in small increments, it will make a difference. And once the baby is a bit older, you can go back to work either full time or part time. Maybe you can even find some work to do at home part time, like research assistance or something, depending on what your degree is in.

How does your husband feel about the situation? Is he excited about it? It seems like you two did want this baby originally, I don't think you should let the financial aspects get in the way if you really still want a family, there are always ways to get around that, and if you have some people to support you and help out, I think you will be fine. And as long as your husband is supportive about it, that will really help as well.

Good luck and let us know how your pregnancy goes!

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frocher Life changes this huge are bound to unnerve you, it sounds like you are keeping your wits about you and thinking this through rationally. I don't mean to sound corny, but all the decisions you made were out of love, so love is what will help you through this. It will be a tough transition, but you are a resourceful woman and I am sure your husband is no slouch either. You will find a way to provide for yourselves and your child. As far as being a good mother, the fact you are worried about it is a very good sign imo. Since you love your husband so dearly I can't imagine you would resent a person who is a result of how much you care for him. Good luck, remember some of the most wonderful things in life are unplanned.

Christ, that just made me cry. Thank you. I'm having a hard morning today with feeling completely overwhelmed by everything.

I'm trying to submit my thesis at the end of this month.

I have to put in my application for funding by June.

I am due to present a paper on my research at a world conference in Dublin at the end of June.

It's just... all too much. Even though all of these things were considered in January when we made our decision to try for a baby... everything hinged on the financial aspect being okay. I never wanted to try for a baby without feeling financially secure. And now that I'm in that situation, feeling financially shaky, it makes everything that much harder to cope with.

It all boils down to me getting a job that pays at least £20,000 per year, before taxes. Otherwise the three huge financial burdens - the mortgage, the student loan repayment, and the childcare payment - cannot be met.

I'm used to feeling pressure to take care of myself and my own debt. I'm just... not used to feeling so much pressure to take care of another human being too. It's overwhelming.

 

[frocher]

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