Pregnant and ... well, really quite unnerved about it

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous My mother in law once said that when she got pregnant with her sons (they were planned children), she didn't worry very much about money and all that, even though they didn't have a lot. She just knew she wanted kids, and she would just get by on what she and her husband had. She said to me, if you wait til everything is perfect and you're totally stable, you'll never be ready! And I kind of agree with that.

Heh, that quote is what my mother, my in-laws and my husband is fond of telling me. It's hard to balance that logic with the knowledge that thinking about family planning (the timing of it) is also really important.

I took a pregnancy test the day before we found out that we weren't eligible for so much of the financial help we thought we could get through the government. It was negative, and I was feeling pre-menstrual. On the day we had the chat with the financial representative, we decided right then that we would wait for a few more years so we could save up in preparation for a baby. I was relieved, to be honest. I thought we'd dodged a bullet, considering our financial plans had been so wrong. It was that night that I found out I was pregnant.

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Originally Posted by MissChievous About repaying your student loan, I know a lot of people take years and years to pay that off. Even if you just pay in small increments, it will make a difference. And once the baby is a bit older, you can go back to work either full time or part time. Maybe you can even find some work to do at home part time, like research assistance or something, depending on what your degree is in.

The current plan is that the baby comes on/around 9th October. I'm planning to stay at home with the baby until January. If I get the post-doc, I take up the position in January. In January, the baby will be about 3 months old, and most nurseries in the city will accept him/her.

My career is extremely important to me, and I'm trying to do everything I can to stay in archaeology in the academic world (i.e., work in university to continue my research). Getting a post-doc is very hard though. If I cannot stay in archaeology full-time, I'll have to do a full-time non-archaeology job at a minimum of £20k a year in order to meet my student debt repayment, and publish off my PhD research in order to stay active in the field.

Staying at home simply isn't an option financially, but even if it was, I don't think I'd want it. I want my career.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous How does your husband feel about the situation? Is he excited about it? It seems like you two did want this baby originally, I don't think you should let the financial aspects get in the way if you really still want a family, there are always ways to get around that, and if you have some people to support you and help out, I think you will be fine. And as long as your husband is supportive about it, that will really help as well. Good luck and let us know how your pregnancy goes!

My husband, bless him, is over the moon. At the first scan, I was too busy being gobsmacked to do much other than ask the sonographer if the images on the screen were real.

He was busy weeping with joy.

He is absolutely over the moon, totally 100% for this, even with the financial side of it worrying us. I could not - would not - do this without him.

 

[user79]

Well I think in that case you don't have too much to be worried about. There are people having children who are much less prepared than yourself who do just fine. I think it's probably just a matter of the timing not being exactly what you planned, but I think once the pregnancy gets on and the baby actually arrives, you'll be more comfortable with the idea of it and will be really happy. Be glad you have a husband who is so supportive about it, I think you will do just great!

 

[Lissa]

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Originally Posted by ratmist My career is extremely important to me, and I'm trying to do everything I can to stay in archaeology in the academic world (i.e., work in university to continue my research). Getting a post-doc is very hard though. If I cannot stay in archaeology full-time, I'll have to do a full-time non-archaeology job at a minimum of £20k a year in order to meet my student debt repayment, and publish off my PhD research in order to stay active in the field.

I really do feel for you, you must be incredibly stressed. I just wanted to add something about post-doc opportunities. I did my masters (actually in ancient history although my first degree was in archaeology) with a friend who continued on with a PhD and is also just getting ready to submit. You're right, post-docs are very hard to get. She was getting very worried about not being able to continue in her chosen field. Last year she submitted application after application only to have a stream of rejection letters. She really felt like all the doors were being slammed in her face, I've never seen her so depressed. Then finally, she got a position! This was the fellowship she wanted more than anything, but hadn't dared to hope she would get it. I just wanted to say don't give up

wishing you the best of luck.

 

[redambition]

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Originally Posted by ratmist The only time I've ever had a squishy feeling for babies is when close friends of mine announced they were having a baby. The idea of those two wonderful people producing a human being together... it made me ache with happiness and envy. As for babies in general? Underwhelmed would probably adequately describe it.

you sound very similar to me in that respect

try not to stress over the financial situation too much. it's hard not being prepared for the arrival of the little one (and even more so since you and your husband had made the decision to wait for a while), but the point made earlier is so true - who is ever really ready for these things?

a loving, happy home is far more nurturing than buckets of money for a child. i'm sure that you and your husband are well qualified to provide that

 

[urbanlilyfairy]

IMO in reality most of the earths population will never seriously be finanacially ready for children.

I think that when we think to ourselves what does financially ready mean ... we are thinking of many extras that many generations before us never had to even worry about...you know like day care ...college funds, sweet sixteen funds lol ..cars for graduation ..i mean serisouly.

THe basics that a child needs ..is a stable family unit whether that be a single parent, a couple, a granparent ..whatever ..it means they need love, they need food...they need shelter.. everything else comes second and will eventually fall into place as the child grows.

Try not too stress ...there are many people out there willing to help out families in need ...and there are people out there way worse off still making it and raising their children day by day.

Seems you and yoru husband are educated people he seems to have a good job ..you own your own home ..I think you guys are doing pretty well in life ..and a baby will maybe make things a bit more difficult in some aspects of your life ..but will also bring joy and happiness to you as well.

Just take it day by day ..try not too stress to much about specifics ..and maybe when you do go back to work ..you will be able to find a job that might be flexible or some kind of day care program and stuff. You never know.

Good luck and remember the only people out there financially ready are liek millionares and celebrities with 3 nannys and 100,000 dollar nurseries lol

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

I'm not entirely familiar with your situation and I'm only 18 but I think the fact that your so worried and scared is a good thing. My mum used to always say if she didn't care she wouldn't worry about us- you're already showing maternal instincts in wanted the best for your unborn baby

As for the financial side of things...as has been said previously, a LOT of people these days are not what some would deem financially ready for children. However, from what little you've said about your husbands job and your imminent graduation, you guys are waaaay ahead of a lot of other couples. I'm sure you and your family are going to be just fine, and though I don't really know you, you have my warmest wishes

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lissa I really do feel for you, you must be incredibly stressed. I just wanted to add something about post-doc opportunities. I did my masters (actually in ancient history although my first degree was in archaeology) with a friend who continued on with a PhD and is also just getting ready to submit. You're right, post-docs are very hard to get. She was getting very worried about not being able to continue in her chosen field. Last year she submitted application after application only to have a stream of rejection letters. She really felt like all the doors were being slammed in her face, I've never seen her so depressed. Then finally, she got a position! This was the fellowship she wanted more than anything, but hadn't dared to hope she would get it. I just wanted to say don't give up wishing you the best of luck.

I've had a stream of rejection letters too over the past year and a bit. I haven't actually even managed to get a single interview for any of the archaeology positions to which I've applied. It's so hugely depressing, but I have hope that the post-doc application to AHRC may work out for me. I have the support of a number of people who would be involved with the actual project, so at least this time if I get rejected, the rejection is as much on their shoulders as mine!

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist I've had a stream of rejection letters too over the past year and a bit. I haven't actually even managed to get a single interview for any of the archaeology positions to which I've applied. It's so hugely depressing, but I have hope that the post-doc application to AHRC may work out for me. I have the support of a number of people who would be involved with the actual project, so at least this time if I get rejected, the rejection is as much on their shoulders as mine!

Sorry to be totally off topic, but wow, it seems like a lot of people do archaeology around here! I'm studing a history/archaeology double major. I'd love to know what it's like in practice!

 

[ratmist]

All yall rock so much. Thank you so much for all the encouragement and well wishes. It really means a lot to me.

 

[ratmist]

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Originally Posted by anjelik_dreamin Sorry to be totally off topic, but wow, it seems like a lot of people do archaeology around here! I'm studing a history/archaeology double major. I'd love to know what it's like in practice!

Heh, I love what I do. My first degree was a joint anthropology and media & communications. Masters in Archaeology, finishing up a PhD in Archaeology now. Everything I'm doing is basically desk-based, statistic/GIS-based to be specific. In other words, I'm not really a digger - though I really loved digging. I'm pretty crappy at excavation to be honest because I didn't spend much time with it, just the standard 6 week excavation practice. It takes at least six months to produce a good fieldworker, and though I wish I were one of them, I'm not. My talents lie elsewhere.

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ratmist Heh, I love what I do. My first degree was a joint anthropology and media & communications. Masters in Archaeology, finishing up a PhD in Archaeology now. Everything I'm doing is basically desk-based, statistic/GIS-based to be specific. In other words, I'm not really a digger - though I really loved digging. I'm pretty crappy at excavation to be honest because I didn't spend much time with it, just the standard 6 week excavation practice. It takes at least six months to produce a good fieldworker, and though I wish I were one of them, I'm not. My talents lie elsewhere.

I'm in my second year of my Bachelor and so far what we do is pretty much just history and evidence. I don't know how practical that's going to be...

 

[midge]

Growing up, I had a pretty harsh childhood (as you said you had), and never wanted children. I didn't even like playing with dolls, let alone want a real child to take care of. But, of course, I put myself in the situation of getting pregnant at an early age. I did decide to have my son, who is now 3 years old. Quite honestly, I have to say, that I wouldn't change a thing. I resented every second of my pregnancy. I missed a lot of school, couldn't do the things my friends were doing, and nearing the end of my pregnancy, I wasn't able to sit at a desk because my belly was so big. I felt horrendous, but after having him, I didn't care about any of that. He really is the love of my life, and I don't know what I'd do without him.

What I learned while pregnant: 99% of parents aren't ready when they find out they're going to have a family. Ok, well, that number might be a bit much, but the majority of us really aren't ready. Financially, emotionally, etc. It's tough on your wallet, your mind/body, but I think it's fully worth it.

I do realize that not everyone feels they're cut out to be a parent,
but just keep in mind, the majority of parenting is learning, not instinct. I do support a woman's right to choose what is best for her, whether termination, adoption, or becoming a mother and I hope that you did get a little bit of help from this long post of my blabbering.

 

[ratmist]

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Originally Posted by anjelik_dreamin I'm in my second year of my Bachelor and so far what we do is pretty much just history and evidence. I don't know how practical that's going to be...

Nothing you learn is wasted. Always remember that. You'd be surprised how connected all knowledge is, and how useful some of it is in situations where you really didn't think it'd apply.

 

[ratmist]

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Originally Posted by midge I resented every second of my pregnancy.

See, that's the stage I'm at, at the moment. I really don't like it. I know some people think it's this wonderful state of being, and maybe for them it is/was, but for me it's been a bucket of misery.

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Originally Posted by midge What I learned while pregnant: 99% of parents aren't ready when they find out they're going to have a family. Ok, well, that number might be a bit much, but the majority of us really aren't ready. Financially, emotionally, etc. It's tough on your wallet, your mind/body, but I think it's fully worth it. I do realize that not everyone feels they're cut out to be a parent, but just keep in mind, the majority of parenting is learning, not instinct. I do support a woman's right to choose what is best for her, whether termination, adoption, or becoming a mother and I hope that you did get a little bit of help from this long post of my blabbering.

Thank you. It does help, and I'm very glad you posted. *hugs* It gives me a lot of courage to think that parenting isn't all instinctual, because right now, it's like I don't have any instinctual leanings towards it that make me feel reassurred or confident. I put on a brave face to my husband and to my friends, and sometimes the brave face is real, and oftentimes I just don't know how to tell them that I'm no more confident now than I was when I found out.

Oh and it looks like you're new to Specktra.

 

[purrtykitty]

I'm not a mother, but my husband and I have talked about children. At the point where we are now, we are just not ready. I see a lot of similarities in our situation...I'm also finishing up a post-graduate degree, am currently searching for employment, and have a small mortgage's worth of student debt. I'm also fortunate that my husband makes a decent salary that covers everything but what my student loan debt is...and if we had a baby on the way, I'd be having some serious heartburn, as well, so I really see exactly where you're coming from.

Now on to the comfort...I truly believe no one is ever really "ready" to have children. There's always one thing or another. But it sounds to me like you and your husband rationally thought everything through and this just happened. I really believe these things happen for a reason. And even though you say you have no mothering instincts, I really think it will be different when it's your own child. Based on all your previous posts (and the fact that you're pursuing a Ph.D.) you are an incredibly intelligent and strong person and I have no doubt that you will be a fantastic mother and a fabulous role-model. Good luck with your pregnancy and I really hope everything with your job comes together. But even if it doesn't, you have a loving husband, family, and friends, and that will help make everything all that much easier.

 

[couturesista]

I do have a child and I felt the same as u only I was 20 yo. It is so overwhelming when something happens that was not planned. As I always say, this to shall pass. You will be so over joyed with ur baby. As women, we are natural providers, we make a way out of no way. Think about every unplanned event in ur life, U can sit back now and think about it because u made it through and u will make it through this. People have been doing it for centuries, some with alot less than what ur coming to the table with. Like my Grandma says " God don't make no mistakes". I think me getting pregnant was a wake up call to get my life on track and to start taking life more seriously, and its sad to say but my baby did that for me. She changed my life for the better, I don't know where I would be without her or her dad. So, basically, ur not alone, we love u and support u, we know there will be times of sadness and loneliness, but we r here to read all about it and extend our prayers and blessings to u ;D

 

[VioletB]

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I think you're bitter and unhappy right now, and ready to lash out. I have a measure of sympathy for you, but it's not infinite. Your situation does not give you the right to judge me out of hand. Be mature enough about your situation to deal with it without lashing out at others.

I am not bitter, nor am I unhappy. I do want a baby, and I know when the time is right I will get one. I am not judging you, nor am I "lashing" out. I did not mean for my comments to give everyone such negativity towards me. Hopefully you will make things work, no matter what your situation will be, there is always a way. We are only human, and we do have the capacity to deal with situations that we have been given.

I wasn't leaning towards a pro life discussion. Sorry if it came across that way. Good luck with your situation, and I sincerely apologize if my comments were taken the wrong way.

 

[ratmist]

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Originally Posted by VioletB I am not bitter, nor am I unhappy. I do want a baby, and I know when the time is right I will get one. I am not judging you, nor am I "lashing" out. I did not mean for my comments to give everyone such negativity towards me. Hopefully you will make things work, no matter what your situation will be, there is always a way. We are only human, and we do have the capacity to deal with situations that we have been given. I wasn't leaning towards a pro life discussion. Sorry if it came across that way. Good luck with your situation, and I sincerely apologize if my comments were taken the wrong way.

I didn't think you were going towards a pro-life discussion. I think my post made you angry, as you admitted, and you wrote what you did in anger, not caring how it would affect me or anyone else reading the thread.

While I accept the apology and thank you for your good wishes, I didn't misinterpret your comments in the slightest. It was a hurtful thing that you wrote, and to pretend that it wasn't meant that way now that a Moderator has gotten involved is disingenuous.

Whatever.

 

[nikki]

There is never a "perfect" time to get pregnant. Please let your doctor know how stressed you are so they can monitor it. I had a friend that let stress get too bad, and it caused major problems. On the other hand, from one mother to another---I was the same as you before having kids. I was not all that interested in babies and was focused on finishing dental school. I began feeling a little more maternal when I started feeling the baby move. Then when he arrived---the moment I saw him I was changed!! There is nothing like seeing your child for the first time---it's instant love.
Do not worry--things always have a way of working out.

 

[ratmist]

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki There is never a "perfect" time to get pregnant. Please let your doctor know how stressed you are so they can monitor it. I had a friend that let stress get too bad, and it caused major problems. On the other hand, from one mother to another---I was the same as you before having kids. I was not all that interested in babies and was focused on finishing dental school. I began feeling a little more maternal when I started feeling the baby move. Then when he arrived---the moment I saw him I was changed!! There is nothing like seeing your child for the first time---it's instant love. Do not worry--things always have a way of working out.

I am hugely looking forward to feeling the baby move in the next few months. I'm only at the beginning of the 2nd trimester, so obviously I can't feel anything yet.

The first scan did make flood me with an indescribable wave of emotion, all of it positive. I'd been throwing up blood that morning (had a nosebleed that triggered off the morning sickness) and been feeling extremely rough. I saw the baby moving around, like he/she was flipping cartwheels, and I just ... couldn't believe it. Still can't.

I really, honestly didn't expect them to find a baby in there, even though the pregnancy tests came back positive. I can't feel anything move in the first trimester, so it's been completely unreal. Then I saw it, and all the pain of the morning - the nausea, throwing up, the suffering of it all - was just completely gone. For about an hour. Then it came back. :/

I've gained a tiny amount of weight (7lbs), I still fit all my tops (though my trousers are a bit tight around the waist for comfort; I like them naturally loose), and apart from all the awful pregnancy symptoms, I just feel like I've been unwell for three solid months. The nausea has finally subsided though, after throwing me on my ass for what seemed like an eternity.

Does pregnancy get any better? Did anyone enjoy it at all? Cuz the first trimester sucked ass and I honestly, truly don't recommend it to anyone.