Question for all you guy-savvy girls out there...

[giz2000]

Here's the situation:

My older son is 17....he's what you would call a "nice" guy. He's very romantic and wears his heart on his sleeve. This, as you might well guess, causes a lot of problems with girls. According to him, he believes that all girls like the "bad" boys...the ones that cheat, lie and play games. He says that because that's what he sees. I try to talk to him as honestly as I can, but since I am his mom, it's not the same (I'm assuming!). I am glad that we have this kind of communication, but at the same time, I think he can get better advice from impartial parties. His dad, unfortunately, is not the best source of advice (he's working on marriage no. 5... ) and my husband is just way out in left field (don't ask....).

So...what advice can you ladies give my son? I told him to be more reserved in what he reveals about his feelings, etc. He just lays everything out on the line for a girl he likes and ends up hurt in the end. He's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to be with him (and I am not just saying that because he's my son...

...thanks!

 

[medusalox]

The right girl will like him for who he is!

But I know that doesn't really help the given situation! Hmm....when I was 17, I really liked the chase, on both sides. I liked boys to be accessible, but still a little hard to get, and I liked to be the same way. Not playing a game, per se, but making it a bit more interesting. Things are always better if you have to work a little for them! Being honest about your feelings is always good, but sometimes, especially with teenage girls, you gotta beat around the bush a bit...

But, most importantly, even though nice guys finish last....when they do finish, they've come out with the least scrapes,and with the biggest prize!

 

[Beauty Mark]

Girls vary too much. Some girls do like bad boys, some like jerks, some like rich ones, some prefer a nice guy, some prefer ridiculously nice guys. I tend to believe that if you really want a relationship, you can have one.

Does he like "the wrong girls"? I suspect that might be the problem. The next time he likes someone, he ought to ask her out on a date. Who knows, he might not like her and she may fall head over heels

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by medusalox The right girl will like him for who he is! But I know that doesn't really help the given situation! Hmm....when I was 17, I really liked the chase, on both sides. I liked boys to be accessible, but still a little hard to get, and I liked to be the same way. Not playing a game, per se, but making it a bit more interesting. Things are always better if you have to work a little for them! Being honest about your feelings is always good, but sometimes, especially with teenage girls, you gotta beat around the bush a bit... But, most importantly, even though nice guys finish last....when they do finish, they've come out with the least scrapes,and with the biggest prize!

she said it best^^^^^

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by giz2000 Here's the situation: My older son is 17....he's what you would call a "nice" guy. He's very romantic and wears his heart on his sleeve. This, as you might well guess, causes a lot of problems with girls. According to him, he believes that all girls like the "bad" boys...the ones that cheat, lie and play games. He says that because that's what he sees.

You can be totally romantic, wear your heart on your sleave, be open, honest, giving, etc. All the qualities of a, "nice" guy, but still be attractive to women. "Bad" boys have ONE thing over "nice" guys. And that's confidence. The know what they want, and they go for it.

Nice guys finish last because while they are warming up to the point of asking, the bad boy has already asked the girl out, kissed her, and dumped her. Nice guys, ask a girl, "Can i kiss you?" Bad boys just start making out.

Confidence is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO attractive. I dunno. I think it's just something hard wired into our brains where deep down inside we want our men to take control. Granted I dont speak for everyone, and I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who like men who are less agressive, or more submissive. But at least for me (and my friends who typically date the wrong guys over and over), I like confidence.

Like the last guy I was dating, the one who told me I needed to be on medication (So much for being a nice guy

)! Very handsome, very romantic, he's the one I wrote about the amazing first date a while back. I mean c'mon, he even remembered my FAV movie and put it on for my the eve of our first date while he waited for me to get sober enough to drive. You dont get more, "nice guy" than that. A guy who remembers? OMG! LOL!

My BIGGEST pet-peeve with him? I coulnd't read him AT ALL. Which for me was really confusing. It got to the point where I had no idea why I was even over at his house. Did he just want a friend? Did he want me to kiss him first? Does he even like me? Should I sit closer? I can't stand men who are like this. I remember him saying at one point how he likes to, "take it slow." How slow is slow? It got to the point where I ended up just walking out (which is when he flipped out on me LOL) because his signals were SO confusing.

He was totally confident on the phone, and when we were chatting on the PC. And even very flirty in person b4 we were dating. But once I was alone with him, all of that confidence and flirtyness disapeared. I mean dont get me wrong there were hints of it here and there, but overall it was totally confusing.

In my expierence thats pretty typical with a lot of nice guys. They might like you, but they are way to shy to ever ask you out. I dunno what they are afraid of, being turned down? There are plenty of guys I'm attracted to that I wish would ask me out. The ones I end up dating? Are the ones that have the confidence to approach me.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by medusalox The right girl will like him for who he is! But I know that doesn't really help the given situation! Hmm....when I was 17, I really liked the chase, on both sides. I liked boys to be accessible, but still a little hard to get, and I liked to be the same way. Not playing a game, per se, but making it a bit more interesting. Things are always better if you have to work a little for them! Being honest about your feelings is always good, but sometimes, especially with teenage girls, you gotta beat around the bush a bit...

Teenage girls? I think we all do that no matter what our age! This is SO true btw.

What is that saying? We desire that which we cannot have. Overly accessible guys aren't as attractive because you know you can have them. Wheras guys who have a lot of game are less availible to we desire them more. Not to mention if other girls want him, there has to be a reason right? LOL!

I think we play the same games too. You can make him want you more, by not letting him have you. Confident guys dont take no for an answer. Thats probably where that saying, "If she says no, it means yes," came from. There typically the type of guys who even if they are turned down, keep trying. Wheras your nice guys give up after the first time you say no.

I have a question for everyone:

Do you think that someone can make you like them, by liking you?

I think that it's true. And how guys who you might not have ever noticed, can suddenly become the only thing you think about, because they approached you. You might not have even liked them when you first met, but because they didn't give up, you started liking them.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

Do you think that someone can make you like them, by liking you?

Depends on the situation. If someone really creepy and potentially dangerous, there's no way in hell I'd like them back. If it's someone who's nice and normal, but not the kind of person I normally like, I would be intrigued. I don't know if I'd like them back, but I would be more inclined to find out.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark Depends on the situation. If someone really creepy and potentially dangerous, there's no way in hell I'd like them back. If it's someone who's nice and normal, but not the kind of person I normally like, I would be intrigued. I don't know if I'd like them back, but I would be more inclined to find out.

Well yah, I'm not talking like psyco stalker serial killer style infatuation =p

 

[kaliraksha]

I think the best thing you can do is build up his confidence that he is great just the way he is. Point out to him that he really does want to be with the girl that appreciates what he has to give, because that's the only way he will be truly happy. I know guys like him, they unfortunately get hurt a lot because they put it all out there... but when the right girl comes along for them I think they are capable of some seriously great relationships.

For me, personally... that would have been the ultimate guy... a sweet, sensitive, confident guy. I've never been into the bad guy appeal... right now I'm with my fiance because he was sweet and sensitive... but he stood up for himself... even if it was against me. I had been with other guys "like him" but they all let me walk all over them. When it came down to it, my fiance was the first one to tell me I was wrong and show me the error of my ways... I didn't even realize I was hurting him. All in all, yeah I hate it sometimes... but he does it for the sake of our relationship and to help me be a better person. For example, if we are fighting and I start fighting unfairly...lots of push over guys would take it... my fiance will call me out on it and keep me accountable. He doesn't take my sometimes overly dramatic s^&$ and it helps our relationship tremendously. When he stands up for himself and demands I treat him well... I respect him more for it.

You may just need to reinforce him and support him... let him know he is a great catch and he is perfect just the way he is. That's what Moms do best anyway =)

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha You may just need to reinforce him and support him... let him know he is a great catch and he is perfect just the way he is. That's what Moms do best anyway =)

That's what I'm here for!! He's starting his first job this weekend, so he'll be exposed to more people...I'll keep you guys posted...thanks for all the feedback!

 

[Bernadette]

I fell for the guys that I thougth were nice, claimed they were nice, claimed a lot of things for that matter and then turned out to be total jerks. I think I was always kind of the nice accomodating girl too, never really popular with the guys.
My crappy experiences (thank god there weren't more,) taught me to be more confident and happy with myself. It also taught me not to be so trusting. I bought into what these guys were selling and I ended up destroyed because of it. I learned to take time to really get to know someone and see who they were rather than thinking they were who they claimed to be.
I agree with everyone else as far as encouraging him not to lay everything out there too soon. He should get to know these ladies more before he jumps in with both feet. I know it's hard.
He's young, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 20 and I think his age is the biggest obstacle here.
Let him know that nice girls and guys don't always finish last.
I found the most amazing, wonderful guy I could ever imagine. And to think I didn't even think there was such thing as a nice guy in the entire world!
Tell him it's worth the wait

 

[shopgood]

i'm 18 and am dating an older guy.. have been for 4 years. when we first started seeing each other, i guess in some ways he was a tiny bit of a bad boy.. and i GUESS (lol) i saw that kind of attractive in him.. but now he's a much different person and we've both grown a lot. i'd say he's the nice guy type and i like that a lot better now.

all i can say is that, at that age, a lot of girls are looking for the wrong kind of guys.. and that could make him feel a little unwanted, especially if he's looking for the wrong kinds of girls. buuut there are plenty of nice girls out there who want a nice guy that will actually treat them right and respect them.

i don't think you should tell him to be different from who he is just to get girls tho.. imo, it would be like telling a nice girl she has to wear skimpy clothes to get the attention of boys. or something like that..

the right girl will like him for him. tell him not to lose hope because when some of these girls grow up a little, they might realize they could use a nice guy like him!

and.. real men have feelings!!

 

[jenii]

My advice to your son would be this: Don't be nice to a girl just because you want her to date you. If a girl sees through it, it just puts her off.

Also: If he keeps getting the same result, he must have a "type" that he likes. Encourage him to consider girls who aren't what he'd normally go for, because it could be that the personality he needs doesn't match up with the "type" he wants.

 

[Hawkeye]

Confidence is key. And getting over the shyness. As Raerae said that's the main difference.

Also- what really impresses me is intellect. But I'm weird I'm one of those people that many "Bad boys" have tried to impress me and every single one of them has been shot down mainly because all they were interested in was girls, and music. Yay. Big whoop. How are ya trying to impress me with that?

I dunno. I just think that there are some points where you have to say ok this is where I stand and take it or leave it. *shrugs* And people get so mad at me when I tell them that boys or Girls are not the cureall for a problem and that its OK to not have someone on your arm. It actually takes a lot of strength to be able to do that.

That's hard for any adolescent though.

Well I wish him all the best and I know he'll find the one who is really a great girl.

 

[asnbrb]

For me, there's got to be a bit of the bad boy in the good boy. Not enough to do harm or to be an ass or anything, but enough to catch a girl's eye and make them go "ooh".

My boyfriend is a good guy-- except he rides a motorcycle and had a racer car and is a second degree black belt in judo. I've seen his jerk-off side yearsandyearsandyears ago when I was younger and he was my sensei in judo, but when we hooked up yearsandyearsandyears later, he'd mellowed out (but not enough for me to walk all over him).

I think that's what it narrows down to. I do not want a guy that I can stomp into the mud and is going to say "yes ma'am" at every turn. Hopefully, your son's not like that. Sure- open a door for me and pull a chair out, but be prepared to hold your own in an arguement.

 

[kimmy]

i'm about to unleash my "wisdom" on teenage guys/girls in its entirety right now.

at seventeen, i was with my first ever boyfriend and i can honestly say, i was dumb as damn rock when it came to relationships. this guy stood me up countless times, lied to me about pretty much everything and was even talking to other girls (like a few ex's) behind my back all within the first month of dating. sidenote: i'm not saying he was entirely bad, because he did some really sweet things for me, but he fucked up ALOT. but seventeen is a young age and i think it's during that time period where girls do want the "bad boy" because we want to see if we can change him. we're young and feeling cocky, so we take on a project man...in a sense. we want the man who needs work, because it gives us a sense of security..kind of like "i changed him, i made him better, i made him what i want him to be, so we'll be together forever!" which is an incredibly stupid mentality, but i know that i and alot of my friends had that mindset at seventeen.

but then, we grow up. and we realize that if he needs "fixing" he just isn't the one for us. and that's when we seek out guys like your son, who are genuinely good men. so the advice i'd give your son, is to just wait it out. that girl will come along, and when she does, she'll be well worth the wait.

i hope that made some kind of sense hahaha. and tell him good luck with everything, and to stay gold.

 

[Jennybella]

personally from the relationships i see if a guy moves too fast and puts everything out there it usually turns a girl off immediately.. tell him to keep the "i love yous" and stuff like that to himself for a little while until its more of an appropriate time a few more weeks/months/years down the road or whatever. Being too open about it is usually something that scares someone off really fast or sometimes makes them feel suffocated .. hth

 

[giz2000]

He'll be here with me this weekend, so I will have him read all of your responses...I am surprised that he wasn't embarrased that I posted this...he's actually interested in what you all have to say...

...keep 'em coming!

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennybella tell him to keep the "i love yous" and stuff like that to himself for a little while until its more of an appropriate time a few more weeks/months/years down the road or whatever. Being too open about it is usually something that scares someone off really fast or sometimes makes them feel suffocated .. hth

Hah so true...This goes for both guys and girls.

I was silly and super open about that kinda stuff when I was younger too... I remember dating this older guy and telling him that I loved him, and his response was, "You dont know what love is."

I was so upset at him at the time, but looking back, he was SOOOOO right.

 

[asnbrb]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae Hah so true...This goes for both guys and girls. I was silly and super open about that kinda stuff when I was younger too... I remember dating this older guy and telling him that I loved him, and his response was, "You dont know what love is." I was so upset at him at the time, but looking back, he was SOOOOO right.

I totally agree. I've had some guys come up to me and declare their undying love to me (?????) if I went out with them and ALL I could think was "WTF?"