Some advice please about me and my boyfriend?

[Lissa]

Any advice would be much appreciated. I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. I'm in my 30s and he's in his 40s, and he is still married even though he and his wife separated 10 years ago. They have two children.

He's not good at all at showing his emotions. He used to be very affectionate towards me and now is hardly at all, although I have talked to him about this several times, it improves for a couple of days and then it's back to hardly any touching, cuddles, kissing etc. He says that's just the way he is and I should love him for who he is. Sex is almost like a chore to him - that's how I feel any way. He told me once he loved foreplay but I don't get any anymore! We have talked about moving in together, and before we took that step I thought it was a good time to talk a bit about finances etc. So I asked him how much he pays to his ex wife for child support, just that I was interested and that we were going to be living together and should talk about these things. First of all he said that it was not an issue and seemed like he was going to tell me. But then he changed and started to argue, said that it wasn't relevant to our lives and why did I want to know all of a sudden? Then he said "it's between me and her". That absolutely broke my heart to be told that. I thought we were going to share our life together and that means everything, even small details like that.

Am I right to be so hurt and offended by that comment? It was so hurtful after all the other problems we seem to be having. I just don't feel loved.

 

[Dreamingeagle24]

It seems like this is fizzling out. If i was you, i would run far far away from him. You deserve much better than this guy is going to be able to give. he seems selfish.

 

[Lissa]

^^ thank you for your post. It's almost as if I know the answer but I need it confirmed for me by others! I don't know why. I guess it's because of my feelings for him.

 

[Mabelle]

yea... i just seems like hes cooling down....

i think you should move on. sorry.

 

[cazgh]

Ive heard of guys who say one thing at the beginning of a relationship and then change their minds as time passes and become more me me me. sad to say but he is being very selfish and you dont seem to be getting much from him in return. Id move on hun if I were you. better to be single and happy than in a relationship on your own if you know what i mean

 

[kaliraksha]

You seem to be in different places, I agree that if you are going to start a life together and merge households you should be upfront about your long term financial responsibilities. I've definitely heard of previously married people having more control and intimacy issues. Has he had any other serious relationships between him and his ex-wife? How did that play out?

I hope you figure it out

 

[Lissa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaliraksha You seem to be in different places, I agree that if you are going to start a life together and merge households you should be upfront about your long term financial responsibilities. I've definitely heard of previously married people having more control and intimacy issues. Has he had any other serious relationships between him and his ex-wife? How did that play out? I hope you figure it out

I hadn't heard that about previously married people so that's interesting....I don't think he has had any serious relationships since which now I think about it seems a bit odd in 10 years. At least he hasn't told me about anyone.

Thank you everyone for your responses - I really appreciate it. I used to be so confident and happy but I seem to have changed. I think him not wanting to kiss or cuddle me or even have sex most of the time has affected my self esteem somehow. Anyway, we had a huge row this morning and I came back to my house for the weekend. He will never apologise, even though I spent ages saying sorry this morning for 'nagging' him about wanting more affection.

I suppose I am quite frightened of being alone now which is ridiculous.

 

[kaliraksha]

That totally affects self esteem! I know when my bf is less than frisky I can definitely feel less desirable and it starts to question my self esteem too. It's not riduculous to be scared to be alone... you should just know that you can make it alone.

 

[LMD84]

i think he was acting quite unreasonable when he told you it was nothing to do with you how much he pays his wife. me and my husband know all of each others outgoings because it helps us to budget.

and with the lack of intimacy it does sound like you are in very different places. perhaps sit down and have a serious chat about where the relationship is going. does he want to move in together? because if these issues have been happening since you started talking and planning that i would say perhaps that is what is causing him to be like this. perhaps if you want different things it would be time to move on? as heartbreaking as it would be. good luck sweetie

 

[moonlit]

he is being unreasonable. I understand that its between his ex and him but come on, you both are gona live together and u have a right to know!!

as for the intimacy part: I dont know what to say, I know sex isnt everything but it is important .I feel it binds a couple in a certain way.

 

[buddleia]

DTMFA. (if you're not familiar with Dan Savage, that's his signature acronym for "Dump the MotherFucker Already - shorthand for "you know you're in a bad relationship, you have permission to leave, so do it already! DTMFA!")

A year is not that long of a time. If he's not showing emotion now, it's unlikely he's going to change. When people show you who they are, listen! Break up with him, then get busy with school, work, friends, exercise, makeup

whatever. Give yourself time to grieve too. Give yourself a chance to find a better relationship; don't stick around with this guy (whose divorce is not even finalized yet!). You can do it!!