what to do, what to do

[bebs]

I'm asking this here because I'm really unsure of what to do at the moment

anyways.. on with it, I've been married for a little while (about 2 and a half years) earlier last year my husbands parents fell on some hard times health wise, and they moved into the house with us.

for the first few weeks of that he was around making sure that things were fine in the house and that everything was good, then he started going out a lot more with friends at night after work hanging out until 1 - 2 in the mornings some nights, sometimes I would go with him sometimes I wouldn't.

over the last 10 months or (before 08 new years) he's been out of the house a lot more then normal and well I've been okay with it for the most part because we both have our own things as well and its mostly been good, and everything was pretty normal, he would be home by the time I was going to sleep so we could go to bed together. sex life was fine, we were talking and doing things pretty much about the same as we had in the past before we were married. (we were together for 3 years before getting married. and I've known him most of my life for almost 19 years)

As of new years he's been drinking on and off.. (this is a man who hadn't touched the stuff in over 7 years) he quit his job in early January and hasn't really been looking to much for anything at the moment, he's been doing drugs a lot more frequently. I've talked to him a few times about it, and it changed for a good while things went back to normal, he was around and more like he used to be, until about a month and a half ago when I found out I was pregnant and I told him, he took it with surprise and soon started to warm up to the idea. and then about 2 weeks after that I had a miscarriage, he was home and there for me for about a week or so and then since that point he's been distant, cold and I've hardly seen him at all. He's been at friends houses and staying there, but I don't know which ones because I've called and went there where he normally would be. when I wanted and needed to talk to him, and either they didn't see him recently or he wasn't there.

and this is just pulling me apart, I've written him letters saying just that, I've tried calling him many times and he's not answered his phone. I've only seen him once in the past 3 weeks, and he was okay but slightly distant then, he told me he would be home that night, or the next but hasn't been and that was over 2 weeks ago. and I'm at my wits end with what to.

 

[duckduck]

I am so, so sorry for what has happened to you. Any one of these events could be enough to make a person go crazy, and here you are having them all happen at once. I can tell from reading your post that you are an incredibly strong woman, and that so far you are doing a truly commendable job of keeping your head on even when you have been abandoned in your time of need. I truly hope that you have some sort of reliable support there - friends, family, etc. My heart goes out to you, and please, keep yourself safe and healthy through this time of crisis.

 

[Beauty Mark]

It sounds like your husband is going through mental problems and is choosing to deal with them by not dealing with them.

You need to get it across to his friends that you need to know where he is. You then need to talk to him. It's incredibly selfish of him not to consider how worried you must be if you can't locate him. What if something bad happens to his parents or you?

In the mean time, I would surround yourself with reliable, supportive people like family or friends. Take care. My heart goes out to you.

 

[glassy girl]

I agree with Beauty Mark ur husband is 4 sure going thru some mental problems and most guys dont deal with there problems very open. I have to say that if hes not coming home im almost 100 percent that hes doing his drugs again that is what usally happens when there in that world they say there going to do something and not do it. Im not making this stuff up ive been thru it and all i can tell u its not u its him and to be honest with u its not even him its the drugs, alcohal ect. Just do lots of pray if u do decide to stick it out with him just make sure u take care of ur self and dont be naive and have boundries if u decide not to stay trust me there will be some one out there that will value u. Good luck be stong and remember its him not u ill be praying 4 u. -Jess

 

[Brittni]

Unfortunately that doesn't sound much of a "husband" at all. :/

If his parents are still living with you maybe they could try talking to him. Maybe couples counseling or something is needed and then they can address his own obvious issues as well. My heart also goes out to you. You're definitely a strong woman but could use the support of others close to you.

 

[HeavenLeiBlu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark It sounds like your husband is going through mental problems and is choosing to deal with them by not dealing with them. You need to get it across to his friends that you need to know where he is. You then need to talk to him. It's incredibly selfish of him not to consider how worried you must be if you can't locate him. What if something bad happens to his parents or you? In the mean time, I would surround yourself with reliable, supportive people like family or friends. Take care. My heart goes out to you.

Ditto ***HUGS***

 

[sadecki]

I am sorry you are going through this with your husband.

I agree with other posters and I personally think he may be dealing with depression. Self medication with alcohol and disposal of responsibilities can be signs...especially from the stress that you two have experienced lately.

I am sorry to be to the point, but it is NOT okay that you have only seen him once in three weeks. IMO, you really need to talk to him because not only is he hurting himself, he is hurting you! A marriage is a commitment between two people - whether it be for companionship or support and he is not honoring that. You need to find out what is going on with him - to help him and yourself.

Hugs to you and please stay strong.

 

[bebs]

I've still been trying to find him and cant anywhere.. and I'm really at a loss of what to do or where to look.

none of his friends.. and I've known most of them pretty much as long as he has or longer, have seen him in the past week or so. none of his credit cards are being used, the debit cards are still here at the house and haven't been touched in any way. and I have no way of knowing where he is or anything at this point, none of the investments and stocks have been touched or sold.

his parents are still here with me at the house and don't know either, people much everybody is not knowing what to do. the cell phone is at a friends house so we can't even turn to that to try that way.

I just I don't really know what to do anymore. he isn't acting like him self and I haven't ever seen him act or react in this fashion before, so I don't really know what to expect or where to go to try and find him, besides reporting the car stolen to try and find him that way.. but I don't know how that will make him react at that point.. so I'm really torn, if he doesn't want to come home that bad how will doing that make him react, and I don't even know if he'll behave logically and rationally at this point in time.

I'm just praying that he'll come out of it.. or whatever it is and get a grip on him self and come home, and have to figure out what to do next I guess.

 

[FullWroth]

If nobody has any clue where he is and it's been longer than 48 hours since his whereabouts were last known, call the police and report him missing ASAP. Even if he's just loafing about somewhere, being picked up by the cops will hopefully get it through his thick skull just how selfish he's being and how badly this is hurting everyone he loves.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You need to report him as a missing person if no one knows where he is.

Even if it doesn't get through to him, you'll be able to make a decision on your life and what to do next once they find him. You need to be active in this, not just wait around.

 

[AudreyNicole]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I can't even imagine what you are going through. At this point, I would be most concerned with his safety, and I agree that he should be reported missing to the police. If he isn't using his credit/debit cards, and left his cell phone, you have no way of trying to trace him. As his wife, it is your right to know where your husband is and you deserve the peace of mind of knowing that, even if he doesn't want to be home, that he is at least safe. It is obvious that he needs help, and he can't be helped until you know where he is. *hugs* to you... I am so sorry.

 

[V15U4L_3RR0R]

I agree that you should probably file a missing persons at this point. I hope he tuns up safe and sound.

 

[bebs]

thanks so much you guys it really means a lot to me

and I'm about to do that, I'm just waiting back on two phone calls, to see if maybe he went to one of the family vacation homes. I'm so out of it that it didn't even cross my mind to check at those places, until one of my friends asked me about them this afternoon. and I'm in the processes of calling the company's to see if the power and phone lines have been in use because thats the last place that I can think of that he would or could go besides one or two places out of the county... and now checking with other people to see if he asked for a favor of a flight or something.

but yeah, hopefully this will all be over soon and I'll at least know I'm safe, his mom has already gone to the police about 3 days after he told me that he would be home.. he's been gone before, but never without telling me before hand or .. well during but not this far out.

 

[bebs]

I got a call back this morning and well I managed to find him and track him down though a neighbor and poking around at a few different houses where he could be. He's at one of the remote cabins, and has been for the past two weeks or so. (Everybody that’s been looking and worrying has been told that he was at least found and she saw him last night, so nobody is worried about him or his safety at the moment, now its only his mental state)

Now that I know that he's safe and all that I don't really know how to feel, because what he has done is so selfish. If he wanted the time he could have just said that and then went off with me at least not worrying about him in the degree that I was, I wouldn't have liked it but I would have accepted it.

It does make a little since about the phone and cards not being in use, the phones don’t work up there and we normally try to use cash up there and tend to leave a bit behind, now that all the pieces are coming together I should have had it click sooner.

I decided at the moment I'm going to wait until at least the weekend before going there and talking to him, I need some time to cool my temper down and not snap at him, or bite his head off, but I don’t even know what to say first to him, or if I should just give him the time until he comes down and wants to talk? All the advice I’ve been getting is go and talk to him, see what’s going on.. along with a few other comments that made me smile but that I wouldn’t ever do.

I'm so disappointed in him, and its a mix between that, anger and relief, annoyance, and being depressed about the whole situation at hand. this isn't the way a man should act, running away isn't good nor is it a good sign. I just don't even know what to say to him and if I even want to see him at the moment.

 

[Willa]

Wow...
That's a very sad situation
I hope the best for you

 

[duckduck]

I am really glad to hear you tracked him down. I think it would be wise for you to go see him as well - it sounds like he could use some reigning in. If I were to replace "husband" with "teenage son" in this situation, it becomes a lot more understandable. I think whatever comes of this, your husband would benefit GREATLY from working with a counselor. I really, really hope it goes well when you go to see him, and *massive hugs* for you for staying so strong through this.

 

[bebs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by duckduck I am really glad to hear you tracked him down. I think it would be wise for you to go see him as well - it sounds like he could use some reigning in. If I were to replace "husband" with "teenage son" in this situation, it becomes a lot more understandable. I think whatever comes of this, your husband would benefit GREATLY from working with a counselor. I really, really hope it goes well when you go to see him, and *massive hugs* for you for staying so strong through this.

yeah.. I get that for sure, I think I'm going to tell him that he needs that, I don't know how well that will go over of course but its worth a shot with all this emotional drama. I know I'll for sure be going back to mine again, to at least figure out what I want to do about all this because I can not deal with anything like this again, and its not even over yet.

and hardly been strong, its more of a pull back emotionally and let things fall where they may for the most part. its not the safest thing to do.. and its something I've been working on for the past few years but at least I haven't had to many breakdowns from it.

 

[user79]

He def sounds like he's dealing with something mental, like severe depression or suicidal thoughts or something, maybe that's why he's distanced himself from all his friends & family. He def sounds like he needs some psychological help.

All the best to you, let us know what happens!

 

[duckduck]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bebs yeah.. I get that for sure, I think I'm going to tell him that he needs that, I don't know how well that will go over of course but its worth a shot with all this emotional drama. I know I'll for sure be going back to mine again, to at least figure out what I want to do about all this because I can not deal with anything like this again, and its not even over yet. and hardly been strong, its more of a pull back emotionally and let things fall where they may for the most part. its not the safest thing to do.. and its something I've been working on for the past few years but at least I haven't had to many breakdowns from it.

I am glad to hear you have a therapist - I know you will benefit greatly from some time spent with him/her - the sooner the better. I would definitely call this a time of crisis for both you and your husband, and as such, I would say that you are smart to be putting off the decision as to what to do about your relationship with him until after the smoke clears a little bit.

Also, you said that you have pulled back emotionally to let things fall where they may. I actually think that is the most intelligent and safest thing you can do in this situation. This is huge and I think to attempting to process all of the emotions and feelings as they come would undermine your ability to function on a day to day basis. I think you need to give yourself permission to remain pulled back emotionally and perhaps (once you are ready) schedule some time to start to let these emotions out as well. As you probably well know, finding a controlled way to let some of these emotions out can help to keep them from coming bursting out at a bad time.

Anyways, I think you are a smart, strong girl, and even without knowing it, I think you are really doing an incredible job of coping with and getting through this situation. A LOT has happened to you: you are recently married and had to take in your husbands ailing parents, your husband has had what sounds like a series of breakdowns culminating in his disappearance, and you recently suffered from a miscarriage. Realize it or not, you are damn strong and seem to somehow know how to protect yourself from absolutely losing your head. I hope things go as well as possible with getting your husband back home safely, and keep taking good care of yourself.

 

[SkylarV217]

i would love an update... This situation has been in my thoughts and prayers b/c it is such a difficult one