When the love is gone...

[Beachgrl07]

What do you do when you just don't love your husband anymore?

My husband and I got married very young and we've been together for four years. Unfortunately, I feel like everyday I'm falling out of love with him. He used to be the person I wanted to be with but now he's selfish and controlling and he yells A LOT! He has also cheated on me twice (he also accused me of cheating even though I did no such thing).

I know he's been really depressed lately but he tells me that there's nothing I can do. If I am depressed though and need his help, I am instantly shunned.

I don't want to get a divorce and be like my parents (or even his parents)...I also don't want to get a divorce for his sake. He'll lose a lot of money if I leave and I worry about what he'll do to himself (he wouldn't kill himself but I think he would get lost in his anger and let his career slide). I've left for months at a time (just to visit family during his military training) and he gets along fine by himself but I wonder how he'll do without me as his wife. I'm only 23 though and don't want to be where I am today.

Any suggestions?

 

[tadzio79]

I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough time with your hubby.
Have you guys considered couples counseling?
Professional help from a 3rd party might be helpful, if there's no progress in the relationship, and ignoring the problem will make things worse down the line.

I wish the best for you both! ::

 

[little teaser]

i belive love keeps things together and as long as the love is there you can get through any problems.. if your not inlove with him anymore and are not happy with your marraige i dont think any counseling can help you fall in love again.. your depression is due to the fact you feel trap where you dont want to be, untill you get the courage to get out your gonna stay depressed.. you shouldnt have guilt or worry about whats gonna become of him if you leave.you need to worry about whats gonna happen to your mental health if you stay.. your very young and deserve to be in a loveing relationship where you feel the happiness and joy of being inlove...

single isnt bad either it gives you time to find yourself and think about you for awhile... good luck in whatever you decide

 

[kaliraksha]

My advice is you keep working at it. Does your husband know how you truly feel about everything? Does he understand the gravity of his actions? Does he know you are out of love? I think you should open the lines for communication and put it out there- tell him everything you want and don’t want and why. Then, if he does not want the same things or is not willing to work things out with you- I would say that would be the time to do a trial separation. Professional help may give you a safe environment to talk and give you some tools to use, but the work will have to be entirely both of yours. What will not help is doing whatever you guys have been doing as it will yield the same results.

I feel that each person knows where their line is- all the things that you have mentioned I know personally people who have bounced back from- my parents being one of them. It’s okay to feel out of love or be confused or be depressed- however I think the worst thing you can do for yourself and your husband is to just sit and do nothing and allow yourself to be victimized. I have been there, I felt out of love with my fiancé and he wasn’t my fiancé then so I was still at a time in my life where I could say goodbye to him. However, it really took owning up to my portion of my actions and realizing he’s not a mind reader for us to find happiness in each other again. He never fell out of love, but I did, yet he worked with my help to make me remember what being IN love felt like because he didn’t want to lose me. Given the opportunity I would do the same for him- there are days I don’t feel like I love him or feel “in love” however I always know without a shadow of a doubt that I love him. I live by a little motto- this little motto helps me in every situation of life, it’s Be.Do.Have. and it translates to Be committed to Do whatever it takes to Have what you want.

I’m sorry I know you are in one of the worst situations to be, to feel trapped by habit and commitment, however I’m sure you married him for a reason and it’s just the task for both of you to get back to that place. It’s going to be a lot of hard work if you guys choose to do it and I hope in the end you find or get what you were truly looking for.

 

[jenii]

Instead of worrying about him, or his money or his career, worry about what you're doing to YOURSELF by staying in a loveless marriage.

Don't avoid the pain or awkwardness of divorce. Because if you do, you're gonna end up doing it a decade down the line, wondering why you wasted your youth on a marriage that was never going to fulfill you anyway.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but I've been through what you're going through, and the absolute BEST thing that could have happened for either of us was to get divorced. Not only did it get us out of that loveless relationship, but it helped us both grow up and become more emotionally independent.

Trust me, you will be a better, and eventually much HAPPIER, person if you just end this now. Don't wait, don't avoid it, just do it. It's going to happen eventually, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you can both get on with your lives and find something/someone that TRULY makes you happy.

And, if he's being that much of a dick? Then he doesn't deserve your consideration, anyway.

 

[tadzio79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by little teaser i belive love keeps things together and as long as the love is there you can get through any problems.. if your not inlove with him anymore and are not happy with your marraige i dont think any counseling can help you fall in love again.. your depression is due to the fact you feel trap where you dont want to be, untill you get the courage to get out your gonna stay depressed.. you shouldnt have guilt or worry about whats gonna become of him if you leave.you need to worry about whats gonna happen to your mental health if you stay.. your very young and deserve to be in a loveing relationship where you feel the happiness and joy of being inlove... single isnt bad either it gives you time to find yourself and think about you for awhile... good luck in whatever you decide

That's a good point.
Yes, counseling wouldn't necessarily help you fall in love again, but it might help "rediscover" each other if you will.
No one person stays the same forever, everyone changes over time. Your hubby now probably is not the exact same person who fell in love with in the beginning, and you're not the same person either in his perspective (I hope I'm making sense).

Love brings people together, but that is not the whole thing imho. All relationships need work. And both of you took a vow to be with one another through good times and bad - what you are going through right now.

I'm having issues with the whole infidelity thing though, if it happened to me I'm not sure if I'd be able to trust him again.

Ultimately what you choose to do is your decision and I respect it either way. If you truly cannot see yourself being married to him anymore, then you shouldn't stay with him out of obligation.

 

[Shimmer]

You're going to get advice for both ends of the spectrum here, leave his sorry ass, or seek counseling and try to stay together because there may be something worth saving.
I'm not going to tell you one way or the other except to say that if or when you choose to end it, if that's t he decision you make, if that's the path you choose, be SURE you can choose that path with your head up, your eyes open, and the secure knowledge that you did every thing you possibly could to make the relationship work, even if he didn't.
Eventually, upon ending it, you need to be able to say, for your own sake, that you did everything that you could, without recrimination or regret.
Making the decision, one way or the other, isn't something strangers on the internet can really help you with, you have to follow your own path. You know what you want to do, and you know what you want your next step to be, in your heart.
Whatever that decision is, go or stay, be comfortable in it, but walk into willing to give it all you've got...whether it's leaving and becoming independent or staying and fighting for it.




Good luck.

 

[Raerae]

Gotta agree with Shimmer on this one...

Your 23, you have your entire life ahead of you... Let me pick out some gems from your post...

Quote:

My husband and I got married very young

While this does work for some, typically, most people that I've met who got married young, got divorced young. You got married when you were 19, how many men did you date b4 getting married? Or is he your highschool sweetheart? I really never understand people who get married in their teens... IMHO if you haven't been through several serious relationships, you dont know what in a long term relationship is important to you, and what is a dealbreaker. I'm sure you've learned a lot about what you love in a man, and even more about what you don't from this relationship. Perhaps thats an indication to you, of what to look for in a future husband.

Quote:

He used to be the person I wanted to be with but now he's selfish and controlling and he yells A LOT!

Men worth being with, dont act like this. My Mom is on her 3rd marriage. First marriage, she was your age, married right about of highschool. Divorced a few years later for reasons similar to yours. 2nd marriage was several years later, AFTER she did things in her life she wanted to do, grew up, and knew who she was as a person. That was my father, he passed away 22 years ago.

Her 3rd husband, she's been with almost 20 years now. He's amazing, they depend on each other, treat each other like equals, help each other, they love each other. He calls her all the time, not to check up on what she's doing, but to ask her advice on things, or to ask if she needs anything while he drives home, or to just say that he misses her while he's away on business. THAT is love, THAT is a working relationship. Both people giving to make the whole better for the two of them.

Quote:

He has also cheated on me twice (he also accused me of cheating even though I did no such thing).

Real husbands dont cheat. You want to know why he accuses you of cheating? Because he knows that you know he cheated on you, and no longer trusts you do not to want to "get even" by cheating on him. Trust is a huge part of a working relationship, and this is seriously lacking in yours.

Quote:

I know he's been really depressed lately but he tells me that there's nothing I can do. If I am depressed though and need his help, I am instantly shunned.

Real husbands aren't afraid to open up their emotions to their wives. They are also not afraid of yours. Again, lack of trust.

Quote:

I don't want to get a divorce and be like my parents (or even his parents)...

Getting a divorce isn't a bad thing. It's not a scarlett letter that you carry around with you for the rest of your life. And people who haven't gotten divorced aren't better than the ones who have.

Quote:

I also don't want to get a divorce for his sake. He'll lose a lot of money if I leave and I worry about what he'll do to himself (he wouldn't kill himself but I think he would get lost in his anger and let his career slide).

Thats not your problem. Right not he's abusing your marriage. He cheats on you (only twice? You sure about that?) , treats you badly, uses you, doesn't trust you, and IMHO, has a lot of growing up to do as a man. Maybe leaving him is the best thing for him, it's a dose of reality to what he had, and why he lost it.

Quote:

I've left for months at a time (just to visit family during his military training) and he gets along fine by himself but I wonder how he'll do without me as his wife.

He'll be fine. He doesn't want a wife, if he did, he woulnd't treat you like he does.

Quote:

I'm only 23 though and don't want to be where I am today.

Exactly, your young, smart, beautiful, and have your entire life ahead of you. It doesn't sound like you have any children yet, or any other obligations that require you to be selfless.

 

[Beauty Mark]

You should try couple's counseling or at least try talking to him if you think it's worth it. If it isn't, I would get a divorce. Being divorced doesn't make you two like his parents or your parents and it certainly doesn't make you or him bad. If given the choice between staying in a marriage that makes me unhappy or being divorced, I would choose being divorced, hands down.

I wouldn't consider his needs as a reason not to get a divorce. You shouldn't have to put someone else's "happiness" (IMO, he doesn't sound that happy) before your own. He'll survive just fine or he'll eventually learn how to. That's his fault if he allows his anger to interfere with his career.

 

[pixichik77]

Seek professional help. Som eof your word choices still show caring, even if you don't call it "love". But people don't "fall" in love, love is a concious choice, love is an action. You can choose to love him again. That being said, you cannot make him choose to love you, but thru professional guidance perhaps both of you can discover if you want to make those choices still. As for his behavior; has he really changed, or are past charcter traits being intensified now (selfish and controlling; usually those things don't just happen). If a relationship is violent/emotionally unhealthy, by all means flee! But if these are just magnifications of traits that have always been there and in their positive sides may actually have been why you were attracted to him then professional help can help controll those things and focus them into positive expression/change. Just remember, you fall in holes, not love. Love is a verb.

 

[saniyairshad]

I do believe it is possible to fall out of love with soeone, but u should seriously try counselling. It's possible that therapy helps, and I really believe spending some 'alone time' would def help...like away from the usual jobs and the usual running around during the day, why dont yall consider taking a mini vac, even going outta city/state would help, and have fun and switch off ur cell phones and try to rekindle the romance yall had initially. I am a firm believer that marriages work thru anything. its not necessary to separate hon

good luck!!! PM if u ever need to talk, I would love to help u..

 

[glamdoll]

I think he needs professional help. And usually Im not too much for divorce unless nesesary and this looks like it. He doesnt even try to save the marriage so why should you?
Love is a two way thing and it cant take one person to save it.
I know ur hoping for the best, and dont want to see his life fall apart but why should u care about it when he doesnt?
its just not fair.
Personally I think u need to walk out.
thats just my opinion.

 

[little teaser]

everyone is talking about counseling to save her marraige.. is she suppose to go alone? from what she has said he shuns her out if she is depressed and needs help. i agree with the above poster glamdoll a relationship takes two.. if he isnt gonna put forward the effort she cant salvage it alone.. thats my opinion though

 

[Shimmer]

Yes she's supposed to go alone, because in the end, if/when it does end, she can stand before the judge and honestly say "I TRIED", which is a HUGELY self protective measure in divorce court.
NEVER go into DC without being able to look at the judge and say "I tried", barring any type of emergent situation. You have to protect yourself and your assets in that situation, and be looking to the future and not the here and now.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Well couple's counseling involves both people, I believe. Besides the protective measure, it's always nice to have someone objective to listen to your problems and help you sort through your emotions.

 

[pixichik77]

No, she is NOT supposed to go alone. She doesn't have to walk up and say, "I'm depressed, let's go to counseling either". She should start a conversation and say, "This is what I see, this is where I see us heading, i want to see if we have something to save and if you want to work on it and see if you are willing to make the choice to work on this let's go to counseling". This is what people mean when they say marriage is work. Because love is work. It needs to be a choice everyday, and it needs to be communicated effectivly.

 

[Shimmer]

I wholly disagree, though I'm not saying you're wrong.
Going alone, and saying "Whether you want to or not, *I* am going to go, to try to find ways to help deal with this relationship, because *I* want to invest *my* time and *my* energy in making it work..." is HUGELY beneficial for the person going. Even if for no other reason than to make the transition to making the decision to ending the marriage easier, going to counseling helps.
Ending a relationship is a HUGE upheaval in life, particularly a marriage. Trying to do it without a support system that isn't biased or in some way full of empty validation is stressful, and needlessly so.
Marriage and life aren't about "fair". And, quite honestly, the way the guy sounds, the help with maintaining a fair measure of self esteem and self worth that counseling may give would be immeasurable.
The military lifestyle is extremely difficult for the family as well as the soldier, in some ways moreso. There are a number of resources available to the family members, and utilizing them to their fullest capacity is simply the most intelligent thing to do.

BTW...adultery is a violation of UCMJ. He can doubletime in Leavenworth for that.

 

[lilysunshine]

While I wouldn't say my situation was as...uncomfortable? as yours, I'm 26 and am going through a divorce. My husband and I began dating when we were 19, I was his first real girlfriend. We got married at 22, and it wasn't bad, really. We just...grew up and grew apart. We were much better off as friends. The only attachment really keeping us together was the marriage certificate, and we spent more time apart than together. We tried to work things out, but sometimes, it doesn't happen. We both decided that 26 was too young to settle for companionship, rather than love.

We're still friends, even through this whole process. But you know, even our reasons were enough. I know that a lot of people believe that marriage is forever, and that is definitely their right, and I applaud their principles. But for me, it was the realization that I only get one life to live, and 26 was too young to settle for something, when I knew there was more out there.

Ultimately, you are the only person who can make this decision. Everyone will try and give you advice. I know my father was very understanding and wanted to support me through it, and my mother was, while understanding, pushing me to reconcile. Every one of my friends had an opinion. But none of them had to live with the choice after it was made. It's the same here...you have to be able to live with it--whichever choice you make. You have to decide if cheating is something you can forgive, if his own way of communicating and showing affection is enough for you. Or you have to decide it's not, and go out into the world on your own. Both are scary.

Good luck. :/

 

[little teaser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer I wholly disagree, though I'm not saying you're wrong. Going alone, and saying "Whether you want to or not, *I* am going to go, to try to find ways to help deal with this relationship, because *I* want to invest *my* time and *my* energy in making it work..." is HUGELY beneficial for the person going. Even if for no other reason than to make the transition to making the decision to ending the marriage easier, going to counseling helps. Ending a relationship is a HUGE upheaval in life, particularly a marriage. Trying to do it without a support system that isn't biased or in some way full of empty validation is stressful, and needlessly so. Marriage and life aren't about "fair". And, quite honestly, the way the guy sounds, the help with maintaining a fair measure of self esteem and self worth that counseling may give would be immeasurable. The military lifestyle is extremely difficult for the family as well as the soldier, in some ways moreso. There are a number of resources available to the family members, and utilizing them to their fullest capacity is simply the most intelligent thing to do. BTW...adultery is a violation of UCMJ. He can doubletime in Leavenworth for that.

i have to disagree not saying your wrong either you do make sense to me.. i feel that she gave it a shot after the first time he cheated on her because she didnt walk out then..she is still there even after the second blow, so only thing she owes him is honesty about how she feels and to let him know she is willing to put the marraige back together, with the ball then in his court its up to him to get off his ass and put the effort into working it out.. she should NOT have to go at it alone.. couples counseling is just that "couples" not just one person..

i dont know if i missed something is she a military wife? if so then i could see this from a diffrent perspective.. but i have seen plenty of military guys cheat and not get in trouble..

 

[pixichik77]

Don't get me wrong, individual counseling is useful too. This is coming from a woman who has gone to marriage counseling. We combined couples with indiv, but it is vital to have both parties in the same room at some point so they can see face to face what the other person is saying/feeling/seeing in a moderated environment with a skilled professional to help them come to the same page if possible.

I am very aware of how military relationships affect people. My brother in law is a Navy Seal with a Purple Heart...